Chapter 53
fifty-three
ROWAN
I watch Ellie when she takes a bite into one of the chocolate-covered strawberries. Everything around me slows down while I take in the beautiful woman sitting next to me. The way the sunset reflects off her perfect golden skin, the way her hair wisps around her skin, making her look ethereal.
How I’ve gotten so lucky to keep her as a best friend, I will never know. But to have her more than that, my best friend and someone I can spend my life with intimately until my last dying breath, would change everything. Whatever the universe has planned for me, I hope part of it is to let me have her back in my life.
But there are days when I get angry all over again. When my mind goes back to the day she left for good. When I had the small box in my pocket. After she left me a second time, that’s when everything came crashing down on me.
My mental health was shit.
I remember losing weight rapidly from not eating. The bags under my eyes were so hollow that my family forced me to go to the doctor. They didn’t know what to do, and at the time, I didn’t care what happened to me.
Everything sets back into motion when I watch her laugh to herself about something. The small dimple that comes out when she smiles just enough to make it appear.
“What’s so funny?” I ask.
She lightly shakes her head and looks at me, dragging away a strand of her hair with a finger.
“I was thinking about the time James challenged you to see who could drink their slushies the fastest when we left the movies. Remember? I think we were seventeen?”
I huff out a laugh and close my eyes at the memory. Then I look at her. “Of course, I remember. I won.” I place my hand on my chest.
“But do you remember what happened after?” She smiles and takes another bite of the strawberry.
I grimace while I think back to what happened after. James finished seconds after me, and I was already celebrating my win when tragedy struck.
“James throwing up a blue slushie a minute after? And some of that getting on Riley who absolutely freaked out,” I say.
“And you, Mr. Champion, were laughing hysterically until you started holding your stomach, only to run to the nearest garbage can and vomit your guts out.”
“I couldn’t have another slushie for two years.”
Ellie throws her head back and laughs more before saying, “I just remember Riley’s face when James got it down her shirt.”
Ellie looks at me and mimics Riley’s facial expression. She was in absolute horror and screaming like someone was trying to kill her.
“I had the worst brain freeze. I’m pretty sure I was questioning life at that point.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever laughed that hard. The three of you,” Ellie says through a laugh. “You and James are vomiting while Riley is holding out her arms and turns into a statue, not knowing what to do.” Ellie’s laughter slows down, and she takes a breath. “Memories like that just make me miss home even more.”
My smile fades when I remember that she isn’t here for good. I don’t know how I can convince her, but I need to find some way to get her to stay. Even if it’s just for a few more months—I’ll take anything.
“August said I could live with him if I really wanted an out. I laughed at that idea. Can you imagine? Me living with my brother, knowing his dating history?”
“I don’t think that would be a terrible idea. I think anyone would be willing to have you stay at their place if it means you get to come back home. A lot of people miss you, Ellie. This summer has been—amazing since having you back home.”
She looks at me and I can see her thinking, processing what I’m telling her. I’ve already asked her not to leave me once, and it would look pathetic if I were to ask her again. I just got my dad back in my life, and it took me a long time to make that happen.
She averts her gaze, and I can see her shivering despite having my hoodie on.
“You want to go back to my place? Hang out more?” I ask while I start to clean up everything around us.
All she does is nod her head in agreement and help me gather everything we need before we start to walk back to my house.
I can’t get my foot in the door without Milo bombarding the two of us while we try to get inside. He jumps and whines at us.
“I was only gone for two hours, bud,” I tell him after I set everything down and get on my knees to give him a proper greeting. “I know, I know, I missed you too.” I get up, and he quickly goes to Ellie after he notices her.
He jumps up on her, and she makes an oomph sound while holding his front legs under her arms.
“Milo,” I say in my stern-dad voice.
He hops down from her, and she thanks him, bending down to scratch under his chin and around his ears before placing a kiss on top of his head.
I close the door behind us and take off my shoes.
“Want anything to drink?” I say over my shoulder, walking to the kitchen.
“I can get it myself. I know where everything is.”
“Ellie, I don’t mind catering to you.”
“Well, in that case.” She throws herself on the sectional and gets comfortable. “I’ll take sparkling water, please and thanks.”
“One sparkling water coming up.”
She smiles at me when I walk over to her and hand her the can. I grab one myself and sit down next to her with a hefty sigh. Ellie opens her drink and takes a large gulp out of it, which makes her let out a huge burp.
She covers her mouth with widened eyes. “I’m so sorry, that was gross.”
I chuckle and shake my head. “It’s fine. It’s not like I haven’t heard you burp before.”
“It was still gross, and I’m sorry.”
We sit in a comfortable silence and my mind starts to wander like it usually does. We’re getting closer to the end of the summer, and there are still so many questions I have for Ellie that I need to know the answer to. The question to myself is, do I take the chance and ask her?
“Ellie.” I break the silence, needing the questions to leave my head. “Why did you let yourself burn out? You knew what you were doing. I know you did. Why did you do it? That isn’t you. You say it’s your passion, and you get to impress the culinary world, but why did you let yourself get to the point where you end up falling out of love with it?”
“Rowan,” she says, sighing.
“Please, El, answer the question. I just need to know because I care about you and want to try to help you fix your situation. Why did you throw yourself into work all of a sudden? Why were you ignoring Charlie?”
“Because I didn’t want to feel anything anymore,” she blurts out. I watch her throat bob, and her lips press together in a tight line. “I was depressed. I knew that I lost myself in my job. I knew that Charlie wasn’t happy. I ignored all of it because I couldn’t handle facing everything, I worked so hard for. I fell out of love with it, and I was…ashamed. Embarrassed.”
I watch tears forming in her eyes, and this isn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want her to cry. I didn’t want to be the reason for making her cry. I should have never asked. I should have kept my mouth shut.
“How am I supposed to walk away from something that people know me for? I built my life on this. I worked my ass off to prove to myself that it was what I wanted. I left home Rowan. I left everything behind because I had this goal in life. I left you. When I know I shouldn’t have,” she murmurs that last part. “It was the biggest mistake I ever made. I realized that when I was too deep into my work and into my relationship with Charlie.
“I pushed Charlie out of my life because I was too busy trying to prove to myself that the path I decided to take wasn’t the wrong one. I had a passion, and I followed it. But then I lost everything. My confidence, my relationship, my friends. You. It took Charlie cheating on me to realize everything. If he hadn’t done that, I’d probably still be in that kitchen, feeling numb and taking the new position that I was offered. I should thank Charlie. He pushed me to realize how much of a fucking screw-up I am. I should call him and tell him how much I appreciate what he did.”
I cup her face in my hands and keep my eyes on her, catching the tears that continue to pour out.
“Stop,” I say gently. “Stop it. I am not going to let you talk about yourself like this. I’m sorry that it came to this. I’m sorry that you fell out of love with something that made you happy. I’m sorry that you felt you had to prove your worth when you shouldn’t. But you came home. You came back to a place you knew you could run to. A place that has so much love for you, Ellie. I'm sorry that you had to go through what you did, but you’re the strongest person I know. You’re the reason I finally did what I did with my dad. You’re the reason I want to change and treat myself better. It’s because of you.”
My heart races with every word that comes out of my mouth. I need to let everything spill out of me and lay everything out for her.
“The courage you had to leave home, go after your dream.” I pause to let out a breath. “It didn’t turn out the way you wanted, but at least you get to say you did it. You were able to make a name for yourself. You got to show the world who Ellie Thompson is, and they are so God damn lucky to even get the pleasure of knowing who you are.
“You, Ellie Thompson, are the girl that I fell in love with all those years ago because of how much love and joy you bring into people’s lives. Whether that came from your passion for baking or just a simple friendship, it’s time to focus on your own joy and start loving yourself again.
“If you have trouble trying to love yourself again and believe in yourself, I’ll be there. I will love you on the days you can’t love yourself. I will believe in you when you feel hopeless. I will pick you up and never let you fall. Don’t let anything try to dim the light that you shine into people’s lives. If you do, it’s going to be a dark and miserable place.”