Chapter 25 Clay #2
“The way I feel about Holly, is different. I’m obsessed, but not addicted like I was with Emily. She’s my oxygen, filling my lungs and giving me life. Without her I feel deflated, breathless, as though my chest is bound and it’s stopping me from breathing deeply.”
I completely lose myself in my emotions, surrounding myself with the memory of what it felt like to spend a moment in her presence.
Forgetting that I’m standing in my office with Bear, I imagine her face and how she gets dimples when she smiles.
How my heart seems to beat in time with hers and how, when she’s not around, everything is shrouded in darkness.
She’s turned me into someone who daydreams, becoming fully absorbed, where I will take even a dream of her to sustain me through the day.
Fucking pathetic. Yet at the same time, I cherish those moments as they are all that’s getting me through the day right now.
I become aware of the lack of noise, the silence strangely loud, and I’m pulled from my thoughts. Bear could have been talking, but I didn’t hear a thing. Guilt makes me wince. I’m so self-absorbed in my own pain that it’s stopping me from putting my brother first.
“Should I step back?” he asks, watching me intently, his expression uncharacteristically serious.
Frowning, I cross my arms over my chest to try to shake the uncomfortable feeling that’s settled over me. “What do you mean?”
“If she means that much to you… The right thing for me to do would be to let the two of you get together.” He seems resigned, like the decision has already been made.
As the oldest of us, Bear has always carried a heavy sense of responsibility on his shoulders, ever since we were kids.
However, just because he would step back for me doesn’t diminish the strength of his feelings.
From what I’ve seen in him, I suspect that he feels the same way about Holly that I do.
Scanning him from head to toe, I settle my focus on his face, searching for answers. Before I can move forward, I need to know the truth. “How do you feel about her?”
Huffing a laugh that carries no humour, his facade drops, running his hands through his hair in a way that conveys his frustration and pain all in one movement.
“It wasn’t until she stepped away that I realised truly how much she meant to me.
” Eyes meeting mine, he silently begs me to understand.
“Imagine going your whole life without seeing the stars. You know they’re up there as you’ve watched other people discover them, and then one day, you see them.
The constellations shining so brightly above you that it opens a whole new universe that you never even dreamed of.
Then, it’s all gone. Now, the sky is dark and I can’t see the stars any longer.
I can still function, knowing they’re there, but without them in my life, there is no beauty. ”
The words rush from him like a dam has been broken, as though they’ve been pent up inside him and he’s finally admitting them aloud. Shrugging, he attempts to brush off the emotion in his voice but there’s no hiding the pain in his eyes.
“Look, I know it sounds stupid, but when we are together, I feel whole, as though a part of me was missing and I never knew until I met her.” He’s trying to justify himself, yet at the same time I can hear it in the way he’s almost brushing off what he’s just said as though it was nothing.
He’s protecting himself, like he’s about to do something painful.
Something like not fight for the girl he loves.
“Bear…” Words fail me. What the fuck do I say to that?
His returning smile is the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever seen, especially as I know he’s doing it for my benefit. “You said she’s your oxygen, Clay. I can’t come in the way of that.”
Floored, I stare back at him, my guilt probably written all across my face.
I had no idea he felt so strongly for her.
Why had it never occurred to me that he might feel the same way about her that I do?
Now he’s going to give that up, for me. He would never hold it against me, but the knowledge that I came between him and his happiness would always hang over us.
Not to mention the awkwardness and pain it would bring to Holly if she did agree to see me.
I couldn’t live with myself. There has to be a better way than this.
Slowly, an idea forms in my mind, a way we can move forward.
There is something very important that I need to ask him first though.
“Do you love her?”
He meets my eyes and I see the answer staring back at me before he even opens his mouth. “Yes.”
Pushing away from the cabinet, I nod firmly, more to myself than in acknowledgement of his answer.
Stalking over to my desk to give myself a chance to think, I turn to face Bear and lean back against the wood.
Bear is watching me with confusion, on edge as though he’s not sure if I’m going to smack him for saying he loves Holly.
Clucking my tongue in frustration, I shake my head.
“What sort of fucking monster would I be if I denied your happiness?”
Realising I’m not angry, Bear stands upright, losing the hesitation in his stance, a hint of the confident guy that I’m proud to call brother.
“Then what do we do?” he asks, gesturing between us with raised brows. “Neither of us can go on like this.”
He’s right. We have to reclaim our lives, and the only way to do that is to reclaim Holly – if she will have us. Releasing a reluctant sigh, I cross my arms over my chest, determined to get this right. “We need to get our girl back.”
If Bear’s brow could get any higher it would be through the fucking roof. He may be incredulous, but interest dances across his eyes. “Our girl?”
Fishing my phone from my back pocket, I fire off a quick message to Roxanne, telling her I’m taking the rest of the day off, letting Bear stew a little in the process.
What I’m about to suggest is not something that comes easy to me, so my pause is more for me to gather myself and make sure I’m fully on board before committing.
At the end of the day, I love my brother, and I love Holly – and something has to be done.
Mobile back in pocket, I meet Bear’s pointed gaze.
“I don’t fucking like it,” I begin, my reluctance loud and clear in my pointed words, “but how do you feel about sharing?”