Chapter 26 Holly #2
“You can’t deny the connection you have with us. Fuck what everyone thinks. As long as we are happy, that’s all that matters, right?” Clay is so earnest in his words, and I want so badly to just agree.
I’ve always known that it’s possible to love two people at once.
I’ve seen it, but someone has always ended up hurt.
My father was in love with a woman who he’s gone to university with.
They stayed in touch, even after he married my mother, becoming a family friend.
Nothing ever happened between them – my dad was a faithful man – but I saw the longing between them.
I know that my mother saw it too, although she never said anything about it.
My parents had a love that most people will never achieve, yet I know this other woman was my father’s soulmate.
When my parents died, I lost touch with her, their deaths hitting her hard.
All three of them were hurt by the situation, and surely that is all that awaits us if I venture into a relationship with both Clay and Bear?
It might be possible to love multiple people at the same time, but is it possible to have two soulmates?
Is that what they are to me? I haven’t allowed myself to consider it before, the notion too painful.
If that is really what they are, though, then if I turn them away, I am just signing us all up to a lifetime of longing.
Flustered by my own confused thoughts, I shake my head, wishing the gesture would clear it so I can make sense of what’s happening here. Think, Holly. Remember the reasons that you ended it last time.
“It didn’t work before. Jealousy got in the way,” I point out, my voice tight. “What would be different now?”
I know that jealousy is a huge issue for Clay, and he was always the one insisting he doesn’t share. What has changed in the space of a week?
Bear makes a hum of agreement that always makes my core clench, and despite the fact I’m completely overwhelmed, it stirs up old feelings.
“Before, we were vying for your affection, hoping you would pick one of us,” he explains, understanding clear in his expression.
“Things would be different this time. Communication and honesty are going to be key going forward, and I’m sure there will be difficulties.
However, as long as we talk through and agree what happens between us, then no one should feel excluded. No room for jealousy.”
He makes it sound so simple. Date the two of them, speak to them about dates, and everything will work out fine. There’s a huge issue that they’ve not covered, though, which was the catalyst for me ending our ‘relationship’ last time.
“What about…” I clear my throat, “intimate moments? How would that work? You want to date me together. Does that mean you tally who I’ve fucked to make sure everything is even?” My frustration over the situation is finally coming out as I narrow my eyes at the two of them.
Bear raises his eyebrows at my change of attitude, but simply shrugs his shoulders. “It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had a threesome.”
Well, I wasn’t expecting that response.
A threesome. That’s how they want to get over that issue, literally sharing me, my body, my pleasure.
I am not a vessel for them to use, and even the idea should make me furious.
Except, it doesn’t, and instead I find myself…
turned on? Reluctantly, I can see that the idea makes sense, but that doesn’t eradicate jealously completely.
Shifting my gaze to Clay, I can see his eagerness, and I know that it’s not for sex, but for me to agree to be theirs.
He seems open to the idea of sharing, but I worry that he's agreeing now out of desperation and will regret the decision later.
Bear seems to realise that he’s dropped a bombshell that hasn’t necessarily helped the situation and he sighs loudly, running a hand through his hair. “Look, this will take a lot of figuring out, but our feelings for you are true and this week has been hell without having you in it.”
“Tell her the star thing you told me,” Clay instructs encouragingly, quickly glancing up at his friend, nudging him in the side with his elbow. He genuinely seems excited by the prospect, as though this is going to be the thing that seals the deal between us.
Bear looks both simultaneously annoyed and amused at the same time, frowning at his closest friend.
Just seeing the interaction between them brings a smile to my face, even though that’s the last thing I should do right now. They always have a way of cheering me up. I leave it a few seconds to see if Bear is going to explain, but I can see he is still contemplating whether to tell me or not.
“Star thing?” A mixture of confusion and amusement makes my eyebrow lift. With Bear so reluctant, it makes me want to know all the more.
He huffs out a sigh, reluctant amusement written across his face. “I made a comparison between you and the constellations.”
There’s more behind what he’s saying, yet I can tell he isn’t going to say any more about it.
Pausing to take in what he said, I feel amusement bubble up inside me once more.
Placing hands on my hips, I cock my brow.
“You compared me to a giant ball of gas billions of lightyears away?” Somehow, I manage to keep my voice even, despite the fact that I’m joking.
It is fairly clear that I am not being serious, and of course I’m not upset.
However, the two of them share a look of mild horror.
“I–” Bear splutters, wanting to believe that I’m joking, but not quite convincing himself that I am.
Chuckling, he reaches up and rubs the back of his neck.
“You’re making me flustered.” Taking a deep breath, he rolls his shoulders back and tries again.
“I love you, Holly. We both do.” He gestures to Clay. “And it’s tearing us apart.”
I should be over the moon by what he is saying.
Surely it is every girl’s dream to have a handsome, kind man begging you to love him back, let alone two of them.
Then why am I filled with so much fear? No relationship is certain and there will always be faults; we are human after all.
They say all of the right things, and I so desperately want them to be true.
Yet, there is something inside me that is whispering that this will never work. Not because of them, but because of me.
I can feel all of my insecurities and past pain rising to the surface, clawing my chest and tightening around my lungs. Breathing feels harder than usual, and my eyes sting with unshed tears.
“Why me?”
The words are quiet and broken, much like how I feel, as I stand opposite the two guys who want to love me. Why is allowing them in so much harder than it was ending the relationship last week?
“What do you mean?” Clay frowns, looking about ready to ignore Bear’s restraining arm and sweep me into his embrace.
“Either one of you could have your pick of ladies in this town, yet both of you say you want me?” To me, this makes no sense and I expect them to understand where I’m coming from, but confusion mars their expressions.
In fact, I am sure I can see anger flashing in Bear’s eyes.
Now that I have started, though, I find that I can’t stop.
“I am so desperate for this to work, but what if it doesn’t?
” I question, a hitch in my voice. “I want to be somebody to someone. That one special person who lights up another’s life, but I’m damaged and hurt, and don’t know if I’ll survive a break-up like this again.
” Tears roll down my cheeks. I no longer try to hide them as the truth pours out of me.
I don’t want to be lonely forever; I want to allow myself to fall in love with Clay and Bear and accept these feeling that are building in me. However, staying single is safe. Isn’t it better to be lonely but sane than experience a whirlwind romance, get hurt and spend the rest of my life broken?
Everyone around me seems to fall in love so easily.
Why does it have to be so different for me?
Am I the issue? There has always been a part of me that has never felt good enough, and my past relationship only confirmed that.
I got it so colossally wrong before with Jake, and I thought he was my one and only.
To take a relationship like this forward, I have to be sure in myself.
How is that possible given my past? How do I ignore the voice in my head telling me I don’t deserve this?
While I feel so close to Clay and Bear, and our connection so much closer than anything I have ever experienced before, I have been let down by myself before. What’s to say that won’t happen again?
I am terrified of the strength of my feelings.
Clay and Bear are like fresh air, filling my lungs and energising me in a way I hadn’t thought possible.
What they’re saying is offering me everything I’ve ever wanted, but it brings with it danger.
Standing on the cliff edge of our romance, I have to make a choice.
Do I choose to trust them and leap from the cliff to be caught in their arms, or do I take the safe option and step back, away from the exhilaration and promise of hope?
If I take that leap, I could fall and be hurt worse than I ever have before.
However, what if they were to catch me?
‘Listen to your heart’, that’s what they say in all of the self-help books and romantic songs. You’ll know deep down when you find the person you are supposed to be with. Your heart will never let you down. Although, mine has let me down in the past. This feels different, but can I trust myself?