32. Salem
THIRTY-TWO
SALEM
I think I officially understand what it means when people describe butterflies in their stomach. This isn’t a subtle flutter of excitement. This is vibrant, warm, and intense. This is I-want-to-climb-on his-lap-and-melt-into-him. This is everything I’ve chased after in my adult dating life.
My mom’s soft gasp draws me back to the moment, and I summon all the backbone I spent a decade building. “The important part of all of this, Dad, is that I’m an adult and I can make my own choices. I’ll live with the consequences of those choices like I always have. I appreciate the concern for my well-being, but…” Pausing, I squeeze Indy’s hand. “I’ve never been safer than I am right now.”
Indy’s eyes soften as he smiles, and I’d swear to god those are feelings I see on his face. Could it be? The whole thing that happened earlier shifted something inside me. A stone-cold top choosing to bottom for me is unheard of in my experience, yet Indy did it. His stoic defense of me in the face of my dad is just the cherry on top .
When I look at my dad, his expression is… kind? Approving? Completely fucking foreign to me, that’s for sure.
“You’re right,” he says. “I need to back off.”
“It’s the first time we’ve ever met anyone he’s been with,” my mom explains to Indy. “I guess we regressed a little.”
“I get it. Salem is…” Indy shrugs. “Special.”
I can barely swallow around the lump in my throat, and I’m even more intent on telling him about the hundred pounds of baggage I’m hauling around. I know he’ll understand.
We finish dinner and offer to help clean up, but my mom shoos us away, so I follow Indy back down to my apartment. We stand in front of each other for a second before I launch myself into his arms, crashing our mouths together with such force I’m sure my lips will be bruised.
Indy’s laugh is muffled as he stumbles back and we collapse onto the couch. It creaks under our weight, threatening to break, and we both end up laughing. Indy brushes my hair from my forehead.
“Dinner was amazing.”
“It was. Thank you for standing up for me. For us.”
“It wasn’t a hardship.” Gently, he pinches my chin. “Your dad cares a lot.”
“I don’t think I knew that. He was always sort of ambivalent about my sexuality. I knew it wasn’t easy for him to accept it, so it felt more like a truce than anything.”
“That was a long time ago.”
“True.” Sliding off his lap, I steel myself for the next topic. “Is it still okay to talk?”
“Hell yeah.”
I take a second to compose my thoughts, then jump into it. “Back when I was a baby gay, just figuring it all out, I learned pretty quickly that I was definitely a bottom.”
Indy nods, holding my hand and brushing his thumb over the back of it.
“When I moved to New Onyx and joined the gay scene, I gravitated towards men like you. Tall, hunky, masc, with mad top energy. What I discovered though was a lack of…” I shrug, searching my mind for the word. “Reciprocity? Care about the person they were fucking. Any interest at all in my outcome.”
Indy cringes. “Yeah. I’ve heard that before.”
It takes me a moment to continue as so many disappointments rush back. “I threw myself into every hookup and date, hoping this time it would be different, but it never was. Over time, the whole experience drained my joy, and I started to view my vulnerability as a liability.”
Indy nods, looking at me with soft, encouraging eyes.
“I never bottomed right away. It took a few dates, and I always felt like it was a measure of trust to give that part of myself only to be treated like a sex toy and discarded at the end.”
His jaw twitches as he listens.
“After one particularly rough evening, I decided I couldn’t keep going like that. I felt so used when it was over. He treated me like an inanimate object and he was cold when he finished. I think it was a game to him to get me to put out. I gave it one more try with a guy I was dating and he ended up cheating.”
I blink away the tears starting to sting my eyes, and Indy rubs my back.
“Everything changed after that,” I continue. “I turned over a new leaf. One where I would never be the vulnerable one again. I would never be used and discarded like an old toy. From then on I refused to bottom or even entertain feelings.”
“Understandable.”
“Yeah, well, it didn’t exactly go to plan. I was still attracted to men who had no interest in bottoming. I tried a few vers guys and it went okay, but nothing panned out. I put my guard up even higher then. I didn’t want to be in any more situations where I got rejected. Stupid. It comes with the territory, but I was too raw to take any more hits, you know?”
Indy’s eyes are a little glossy, and that realization makes my heart skip a fucking beat. Is this what love feels like? Having a damn panic attack?
My eyes widen. Love ? Holy fucking hell.
“What’s wrong?” Indy asks.
My breath catches in my throat. “Uhhh.” I blow out a breath to steady my shaking voice. “I’m good.”
“I’m here for you.”
“I know. You’ve proved that. Not just what we did earlier but all the time. You do things for my pleasure, disregarding your own.”
“No, I’m not disregarding it. Your pleasure turns me on too.”
I laugh, looking up at the ceiling to keep the emotions flooding my body at bay. “You’re kind of unreal.”
“Look at me.”
I drag my gaze to his face.
“You’re worth so much more than you’ve been given by lame-ass men who don’t have a clue. I’ve never been with someone this long. Ever.” He chuckles, playing with my fingers. “I’m so into you, Salem, it’s wild. When I decided I wanted to bottom for you, it had nothing to do with anything but a desire to be that much closer to you. Every day I wake driven by that need. I want to be closer to you. I want to be with you all the fucking time. I don’t know the exact moment this stopped being casual for me, but I know it did.”
“Indy…”
“It took me a long time to get to this point.” The intensity of his gaze makes my breath hitch. “Salem…”
“Oh god. ”
“I’ve fallen for you.”
As soon as the words are out of his mouth, I’m no longer able to hold back the emotions. Tears fall from my eyes to slide down my cheeks and my chest is tight. Yep, love feels like dying. Awesome.
“And it’s okay with me if you need more time to get there,” Indy continues. “I know you will because this is too good. I believe in it. I know we can make it.” He wipes a tear from my cheek with his thumb. “Damn, you’re even beautiful when you cry, sweet thing.”
“I’m…” My voice cracks and I have to clear my throat and shake my shoulders out to compose myself.
“Take your time, gorgeous.”
Blowing out a breath, I nod. “I’m already there, Indy. I think I have been for a while, but I was hiding behind my wall, trying so hard not to get hurt this time. I don’t think I could’ve recovered if you’d turned out to be like the others. I’ve been so fucking scared.”
Indy holds my hand to his chest. “Are you a little less scared now?”
“Yeah. You’ve given me something no one else has. A safe place.” I wipe my cheek. “I’m not even mortified by the fact that I’m bawling in front of you.”
“I’m honored. Truly. I know how hard it is to show vulnerability. I’ve only managed it with the guys, but exposing your heart is a whole new gig, isn’t it?”
“It is.”
“This isn’t casual anymore. It’s a real, living, breathing relationship and I want it so much. I want to figure out how to love you in all the ways you deserve. I want to be the safest place you’ve ever known. I want you to trust that no matter what, I’ve got you. You’ll never stumble or fall because I’ll be there to hold you up. ”
My bottom lip quivers as another wave of emotion hits me. Happiness, desire, and so much relief. “We’re really doing this?”
“We’ve been doing this, beautiful. We’re just gonna stop pretending that we’re not all in. We’re gonna stop acting like it’s not serious. You’re my first love, Salem, and it’s fucking amazing.”
“No one’s ever said that to me. No one’s ever been in love with me.”
“Then I get to be your first too.” With his fingers under my chin, he smiles, his eyes as glassy as mine feel. “I love you, Salem Barlowe. Thank you for showing me what it is. You were well worth the wait.”
“Dammit, Indy. I’m about to fall apart and cry like a baby.”
“It’s okay if that’s what you need. I’ll hold you through it.”
I climb onto his lap and bury my face into the crook of his neck. I do sob, finally releasing the years of disappointment and rejection and somehow accepting that this incredible man is for me. He loves me.
After a few minutes, I lift my head and wipe my face. “Thank you.”
“Anytime.”
“I’ve been trying to ignore the warning pings for weeks now. Every time you did something amazing—which was, like, every day—I knew I was falling, but I didn’t want to. I was scared.”
“I know.”
“But the heart is persistent, right?”
“The heart has arguments with which the logic of the mind is not acquainted.”
I smile. “Who said that?”
“Blaine Pascal. Learned it in some random college class, but it felt fitting.”
“Okay, gorgeous. Let’s add reciting romantic quotes to your list of good qualities.”
Indy laughs softly, rubbing circles on my back. “You’re in love with me too?”
“Over the moon. In fact, I know the difference now between all the times I thought I was catching feelings and what it actually feels like when it’s real. I was just practicing for you. You don’t have to try when you’ve met the right person, it just happens, even when you’re doing everything you can to avoid it.”
“Accurate.” He brushes a kiss across my jaw. “One more request?”
“Okay.”
“Can I stay over? There’s no way I plan to wake up without you next to me.”
“Like I’d let you leave.”
Indy smiles, gripping the back of my neck and pulling me down into a heated kiss. Warmth spreads through me, but instead of heading to my dick, it meanders, filling in all the cracks and wounds left by callous lovers who never deserved me.
“I love you, Indy Hart,” I whisper against his lips. “You were definitely worth the wait.”