Chapter 14
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
“This way, Ms. Seren.” Lilac, a cute patient, led Seren through the hospital’s new teen center.
The smell of wood shavings and new paint fragranced the air. Seren smiled at the hallway walls brightly painted with flowers and ocean scenes. Nothing like the stark, clean white of typical hospital halls.
“I painted that one,” Lilac said proudly as she pointed to a particularly bright pink and orange flower.
“I love it,” Seren said, slowing to admire the picture.
And she really did love it. Seren had always been attracted to bright things.
“Thanks. I painted it after my very first round of chemo when I told the nurses I couldn’t come back for my second. I just couldn’t go through that . . . ” Lilac swallowed and Seren nodded to show that she understood. Seren might not have experienced chemotherapy, but the person she loved most had, and her memories of Milo’s pain were still vivid.
“Instead of trying to talk me out of it or telling me to think about my parents and everyone who loves me, Nurse Amy just took me to this corner that was filled with paint pots. She told me to pick my favorite and then add to the wall. Part of me wanted to find the darkest, deepest black and just leave a patch of that on the wall. But then I saw the pink and I knew the black paint wasn’t who I was. If this chemo stuff doesn’t work, the picture I want to leave behind isn’t a big, black hole.”
Seren choked down her sorrow at Lilac’s words. No young teen should be thinking about leaving a legacy behind. They should be in the throes of living, their entire future still unwritten. But life wasn’t fair and this was exactly what Lilac, as well as all of the other teens at the center, was having to face.
“I guess that story was all so that I could say thank you. I know this place is your brain child and it has given me comfort and hope when I really shouldn’t have any.”
Seren was often blown away by the teens at the center, and Lilac’s gratitude was just another reason why Seren had worked so hard to help this place come to be.
“It was definitely a team effort, but you’re welcome,” Seren managed, her throat thick with emotion.
Lilac seemed to have that teen sense that just knew when things were getting too deep so she turned, cutting off any further conversation, and motioned Seren into the main room of the teen center.
As Lilac paused, Seren glanced around the room, taking in the space now that it was filled with teens, the way she’d always dreamed it would be. The giant room was outfitted with lush couches, bean bag chairs, giant arcade games, walls of TVs and dozens of video game consoles. In one corner was a pool table and because Seren had been a part of every step in designing the place she knew that there were also a ping pong table, foosball game, arcade basketball games, and more in the surrounding rooms. Any teen’s dream.
Or so Seren hoped.
“Take a seat.” Lilac gestured to one of the open couches and then went to sit beside a boy who lounged in a bean bag chair.
Seren did as she was told and then let her thoughts wander.
She wasn’t quite sure why she was here. She’d been asked by Amy to join them today. Something about the kids wanting to do something for her? Seren had insisted it wasn’t necessary but Amy had been firm that it had been—if not for Seren, at least for the kids.
So Seren was here. Even though a part of her ached to see these young kids suffering in the same way that Milo had. While another part of her was jealous that these kids were here and angry that Milo wasn’t, and yet a bigger part wanted to joyfully celebrate that each of these children were here. On top of all of that, her cautious side wanted to warn the families of each kid individually of what they might face, while some final part of her was hoping none of them would ever have to know.
She pushed away her thoughts, trying to pretend she was just fine, determined to not let any of what she was thinking show on her face. These kids already dealt with too much, and she wasn’t about to add her burdens to the weight they were carrying.
But because she was keeping it all inside with nothing but her own thoughts to keep her company, her turmoil began to grow and she knew she needed a distraction . . . just as footsteps sounded beside her.
Seren looked up into the face of the man she adored.
Just seeing him helped her mental chaos to settle. Seren breathed out a sigh that released some of the tension she’d been holding onto, her thoughts now happy to be occupied by the much more enjoyable task of taking Deacon in.
“I was told I’d find you here,” he said as he sat and then kissed Seren on her cheek in greeting.
Seren felt her breath catch. She hadn’t even told Deacon about today. He was supposed to be on important work calls all day, and she hadn’t wanted to bug him. So although she was glad to see him, she felt badly that she’d interrupted his day.
“How did you know about this?” Seren asked. The question was full of meaning. How did he know she was here? How did he know she would need him? How did he know just how to make her feel better? And, most of all, was she too much of a burden on him?
“A little nurse bird told me,” Deacon said as he wrapped an arm around Seren’s shoulders, pulling her close.
Seren glanced up just in time to see Amy wink at her.
She should have known.
Amy might not have been Milo’s nurse but she’d worked with so many sick kids and their grieving families. Seren wasn’t sure how Amy did it, but she seemed to know what Seren was feeling as well as just what to do about it. She was a literal angel on earth.
“I love it here,” Seren tried to defend her emotions because she was sure Deacon could sense her anxiety.
“I know,” Deacon said in his way, telling her she didn’t need to explain anything to him.
“I miss him,” Seren added as she laid her heavy head on Deacon’s shoulder, which seemed perfectly designed to bear her weight.
“I know.”
Seren could feel his deep sigh right down in her core.
“Thanks for coming, Ms. Seren,” said the boy Lilac had sat next to, while even more teens filed into the room, Amy closing the door behind the last one.
“I’m glad to be here,” Seren responded as she sat up straight, still not sure what was going on.
“I’m Devin, and someone nominated me as the one to speak tonight,” the boy added before shooting a dark look toward Lilac.
“What? You are definitely the most eloquent of us,” Lilac said, followed by a resounding cheer from the group at large.
“Or the biggest pushover,” Devin responded with an eye roll.
The cheering crowd began laughing.
“Anyway, even if I was coerced, I’m grateful I get to do this.” Devin stood up tall. “I know that there was a big ceremony with giant scissors and all of that to open up this center. But we wanted to do our own thing for you in our way.”
Seren nodded, not quite sure where they were going with this.
“That ceremony gave a lot of credit to the donors and stuff and we know this wouldn’t be here without the money, but me, Lilac, and the others thought the one person who deserved the most credit had gotten the least.” Devin looked right at Seren. “Amy told us a little bit about why you chose to do this. Milo, right?”
Seren nodded, willing herself not to cry.
“You know what one of the things that sucks the most about all of this is?” Devin pointed to his bald head covered by a black beanie.
He didn’t wait for an answer. “People pretend to stop seeing you. I mean, they see me, I know they do because they stop, stare for a minute, and pity fills their eyes. Then they look away quickly as if I don’t exist. As if I don’t matter. Like if they don’t acknowledge me they don’t have to acknowledge that crap things happen to people every day.”
Seren swallowed. She remembered those looks of curiosity followed by avoidance.
“But you, with this—” Devin waved to the room around them. “You see us, Ms. Seren. Even though we have to remind you of Milo.”
The tears began to fall freely down Seren’s cheeks.
“Even though it’s probably harder for you than for most to see us. You saw us, you looked hard, found what we needed, and gave it to us.”
Lilac wiped tears from her face.
“This place is cooler than any other hangout on the island. It almost makes getting cancer worth it. Almost.”
The kids laughed again.
Seren loved the spirit they had. She couldn’t quite make herself laugh, but she tried to smile.
“Anyway, for that we had to say thank you. Not the hospital staff, not the administration, not some big donor . . . us. The teens you helped.” Devin pointed at his chest, then Lilac, then each of the other teens in the room.
Devin waved behind Seren and it was when Seren turned that she saw that behind her a sheet was covering a small part of the white wall. Devin yanked down the sheet and she caught her breath. There hung a picture of Milo.
Seren’s tears fell harder and faster. Her beautiful boy.
“This wall is Milo’s wall. And everyone who comes to this place will know Milo and Milo’s mom, the woman who made sure we have our place. The woman who remembered us, who saw us.”
Seren bit back a sob.
Amy handed Devin a giant pack of colored permanent markers.
“We’ll each leave our message to Milo. Our thanks for this place that’s ours and now it’s his too.”
Seren wiped under her eyes, sure she must look like a mix between a racoon and a panda with all of the mascara that must have run all over her face. But she didn’t care. She stood and strode to where Devin stood, giving him a giant hug, and then went around the room, stopping to see and hug every child.
She thought about the days she’d wished Milo would get to experience this place. And because of these kids, Milo would be here.
Seren ended her rounds next to Deacon, letting him take her by the waist, knowing she’d need his solid support just to stand.
“I think you can see that I like it,” Seren said shakily to the gathered group, laughter bubbling out through her tears.
Some of the teens joined her laughter while others nodded.
Seren thought about all she could say and decided to go short and simple, the way Milo would have wanted. “Thank you.”
The teens nodded before they began to disperse and take pens from Devin, leaving their marks on Milo’s wall.
Seren watched each carefully select their color and then each began their work. Some took some time to think while others began writing or drawing immediately.
“You ready?” Deacon asked in her ear.
Seren nodded. It was time to go.
And as weird as it sounded, she felt like she was leaving Milo with friends.
As they neared the door, Amy met them.
“Thank you,” Seren said to the nurse.
“Don’t thank me. This was literally all them. I only reached out to Deacon to find the picture, but the kids did the rest.”
Seren bit her lip as she shook her head.
“Yeah, I know,” Amy responded, giving Seren a giant hug. “Come back soon and read the messages.”
Seren nodded. She would.
Seren took a deep breath and then walked out of the door, Deacon at her side.
When they finally reached the outer doors of the building Seren felt tired, joyful, mournful, and serene all at the same time.
“I know you had some big calls today,” Seren said to Deacon as they walked the treelined path to the parking lot.
“Nothing that couldn’t wait.”
That was Deacon’s answer to everything when it came to Seren. She always came first. She was one lucky woman.
“Well, thank you.”
Deacon smiled warmly, knowing exactly how much she’d needed him.
She pondered on what had just happened and the thoughts of those kids as well as the man Deacon was began to mix with a longing that had been haunting her for quite some time.
Something that had seemed at first unfair to Milo’s memory, and then . . . well, impossible. But now? She had to talk to Deacon about it. That longing tugged hard.
Immediately.
“Those kids were pretty awesome, huh?” Deacon asked.
Seren nodded, more than a little preoccupied with her thoughts.
She should probably make small talk, see what was on Deacon’s plate, anything but drop the bomb she was about to.
But she had to say something now. Something that scared her but also thrilled her. Deacon had to know.
She was once again feeling a maternal instinct. Something she’d thought had died with Milo.
But in the past few months it had been peeking its head into her mind, making her ask some serious questions and reevaluate her goals.
And Deacon’s being here proved to Seren the way so many other things had that Deacon was serious about Seren. But would he still be after Seren told him what she had to say?
“I’ve been thinking a lot about kids,” Seren said slowly, glimpsing her car and knowing her time was running short.
“Have you?” Deacon said, waiting for Seren to get to her point.
So she did.
“I’ve been thinking I might want more kids.”
Deacon stopped.
Maybe that had been a little too fast for her to get to the point. Seren closed her eyes. She’d scared him. They were barely even dating and here she was bringing up kids. But she needed to know he was on the same page. She’d told him once, while she was still with Max, while she’d been deep in her grief, that she would never have another child. She had to let him know her thoughts had changed before they got any deeper into whatever they were starting.
Deacon gently took Seren by the shoulders, turning her to face him. “I think I might want kids too.”
Seren opened her eyes. The sunshine was bright, but Deacon’s smile was brighter.
“Really?” Seren breathed.
“Really. Especially if I could have those kids with you.”
“Oh my gosh. I am so relieved. I thought I’d scared you off and . . . ”
Deacon chuckled. “Seren, you have to know by now, nothing will scare me off. I’ve chosen you in a way I’ve never chosen anyone. The only reason we aren’t already married with a kid on the way is because I don’t want to scare you off.”
Seren’s eyes went wide.
“See,” Deacon said, pointing to Seren’s face.
“No, I mean, yeah, that’s a lot, but it’s what I’m dreaming of too.”
Deacon beamed. “So we’re on the same page?”
“That my future is full of you and some kids? Yeah.” Seren said it lightly but the words resonated deep inside her. It was her truth.
“Sounds perfect to me,” Deacon said, pulling Seren closer.
“Everyone would say this is too much, too fast.”
“And I say it’s not quite enough,” Deacon replied.
Seren giggled, even though she was freaked out that she completely agreed with Deacon. Though reality told her they’d only declared their feelings for each other recently, it felt like she’d been waiting for Deacon for forever.
“So I guess there’s just one thing left to do,” Deacon said.
Seren held her breath. Okay, she’d said she was ready for whatever but this was too soon for a proposal, right?
But he didn’t drop to a knee. Instead he dropped his head, his mouth fitting to hers, a smile lighting her lips.
Oh, kiss. Yeah, there really was just one thing left to do.
And she was oh so happy to do it.