Chapter 56
Summer pressed a hand against the pain in her stomach, lowering herself heavily to the couch. She’d woken up in the middle of the night with a sharp pain behind her belly button, and it had only intensified as she’d taken Max to school this morning.
She leaned her head back against the couch, letting out a long breath. She didn’t close her eyes because if she did, she’d only see the look on Benjamin’s face when she’d told him yesterday that she was going to the divorce lawyer. That look had haunted her all night. But at least she seemed to have succeeded in finally driving him away. He hadn’t come over this morning—and she knew he wouldn’t.
Her whole chest burned, and she pressed both hands into her stomach, leaning forward to try to find a comfortable position. She told herself that it was just stress or nerves or maybe even the flu.
That it wasn’t the baby.
She pulled out her phone to check the time, but it was only nine o’clock. Which meant she still had three hours before her appointment with the lawyer.
She’d taken the day off of work because she’d known she wouldn’t be any good to anyone—but that meant she had nothing to keep her occupied until the appointment, except her thoughts.
And she couldn’t let herself dwell on those or she’d never do what needed to be done. It had been so, so hard not to lose her resolve yesterday when he’d shown up at the party with that ridiculous costume and that enticing grin and that incredible song. When he’d said he would give up anything for her.
But that was the thing. She knew he would. And he might even be okay with it for a while.
They might all live happily ever after—for a time.
But eventually, Benjamin would realize how much he’d given up for them. Just like her father had. Just like her mother had.
And he would want out—but he’d be trapped. Living a life he hadn’t wanted—and resenting them for it. She couldn’t do that to him. To any of them.
“What’s wrong with you?” Mama shuffled into the room and dropped into her recliner with a grunt.
“Nothing. Just a stomachache.” She hadn’t told Mama yet that she was pregnant, although by the shrewd look Mama was giving her, she had likely guessed it already.
“When are you going home?”
“I need a few more weeks to save up, and then I should be able to put a security deposit on an apartment.” Summer tried not to picture Benjamin’s cozy house as she said it.
Mama blinked at her. “Why on earth do you want to do something stupid like that?”
“Well, we can’t stay here, and—”
“So go home,” Mama said again. “Then I won’t have to listen to my doorbell ringing at all hours of the day and night.”
Summer shook her head. “It’s not my home, Mama.”
“What, because you had a little fight?”
“We didn’t have a fight. We’re getting divorced.”
Mama snorted. “The way he keeps showing up would seem to indicate otherwise.”
A fresh pain pulsed through Summer’s stomach, and she leaned forward with a little moan.
“You should go to the doctor,” Mama said flatly.
“I’m fine.”
“Anyway,” Mama continued, as if there’d been no interruption. “I’ve heard there are couples who are happily married. I suppose you all could be one of ’em.”
“He was asked to run a restaurant in Georgia, Mama. And he didn’t take the job because of me and Max. I can’t let him make that kind of sacrifice. He’ll resent us. And I’ve had enough resentment to last a lifetime.” She refused to look away from her mother’s eyes, but Mama’s shrug was slow, maybe indifferent.
“Suit yourself.” She turned to click on the TV.
Summer wanted to scream. Just once in her life, couldn’t her mother have some kind of wisdom to offer her? Some motherly advice? Or at least some comfort?
She tried again to get comfortable, but only succeeded in shifting the pain to her lower right side. She closed her eyes, but there was Benjamin’s face again. So she turned on her phone instead, and scrolled through her social media feed, barely registering what any of the posts were about.
A picture of a man sitting at the edge of a cliff with his head bowed caught her eyes, and she stopped scrolling. That was how she felt right now. Like she was at the edge of a cliff. And she had nowhere to go but down it.
Her eyes went to the text, and she realized it was a post from Beautiful Savior with a video of yesterday’s sermon. She’d missed being at church, but there was no way she could have sat with Benjamin and his family—or worse, without them—and kept her composure, so she’d stayed home, despite Max’s protests.
She clicked on the video, and the image of the man on the cliff faded to reveal the front of Beautiful Savior, with Pastor Cooper in the pulpit. Summer’s eyes greedily scanned the backs of the heads in the frame. She touched the screen, accidentally pausing the video, when she spotted Benjamin.
She hit play again, and the camera readjusted to zoom in on Pastor Cooper. His warm voice rang from her phone. “Y’all aren’t going to believe this,” the pastor began, “but I wasn’t a perfect child.” A smattering of chuckles sounded offscreen.
“Turn that down,” Mama demanded.
Summer made a face to herself but complied.
“Good to know that doesn’t come as a surprise to you.” The pastor grinned. “But I still remember one time that I did something truly terrible. I was probably about eight years old, and I was mad at my parents about something or other. I can’t even remember what now. But I decided that they must not want me anymore. So I grabbed my backpack, and I packed it with about twelve pairs of socks and a book, and I ran away.”
He took a breath. “Well, you might know my daddy served with Pastor Calvano at a youth camp when I was a kid, so we lived in the woods. I knew them pretty well. Figured I could live off the land. I’d be fine. So I walked and I walked and I walked some more—farther than I’d ever gone into those woods on my own before. When I thought I had gone far enough, I built myself a little hut out of branches. And then I sat in it and pulled out my book. It was summertime, so I wasn’t cold. And I wasn’t afraid.” He paused. “Until the sun started to set. But I was determined to stay out there, alone—well, forever.”
The camera panned again, and Summer caught sight of the back of Benjamin’s head. It was bowed, and she wondered if that word, “alone,” hurt him as much as it hurt her.
“Just as it was getting too dark to see, I started to hear shouting,” Pastor Cooper went on. “I recognized my daddy’s voice—he was a big bear of a man and had a voice to match.” The pastor drew in a deep breath, then bellowed, “Aaaaarrrrrroooooonnnnnn.”
There were a few gasps in the background of the video, but all Summer could think was that her mama never would have come after her like that.
“I knew his voice,” Pastor Cooper said quietly. “And I knew he was calling for me. But I didn’t want to hear him. So I covered my ears. But every few seconds, I heard the voice again, right through my hands.” He mimicked covering his ears, then shook his head and lowered his hands.
“Finally, when I didn’t hear it anymore, I took my hands off my ears. I figured he had given up—and I’m not gonna lie, I was hurt. I might not have wanted to be found—but that didn’t mean I didn’t want him to keep looking.” Pastor Cooper’s gaze swept the congregation—spending, it seemed, an extra second on the camera. Summer held her breath and pressed her hands to the pain in her stomach, feeling a desperate need to know what happened next.
“And then,” Pastor Cooper said quietly. “I heard it. Just the faintest, gentlest whisper: ‘Aaron.’” He shook his head, and Summer could see the emotion on his face. “And in that moment, I knew what I had been trying to ignore all along. My daddy loved me. He wanted me back. He would do anything to find me.”
Pastor Cooper leaned forward in the pulpit, his gaze searching. “Does that sound familiar?”
He picked up the Bible. “It should. Because this book is full of the same story. Of a Father who loves his children so much, who wants them so much, that he pursues them relentlessly. That he has done anything and everything to save them.”
Summer closed her eyes, letting the pastor’s words wash over her.
“Sometimes he calls us with a big voice, with power and with might, like my daddy’s shouts. But we don’t always see it, do we?” Pastor Cooper continued. “We don’t always listen. Like Elijah. Granted, God called Elijah to be a prophet when it wasn’t an ideal time to have that job. King Ahab and Queen Jezebel were not big fans of God or of his prophets. They wanted to worship their idols in peace, so they were hunting the prophets down and putting them to death. But God was with Elijah. He sent Elijah into the desert to keep him safe from the king and queen and then sent ravens to bring Elijah bread and meat. Later, God brought Elijah to a widow and her son and then blessed them with an unending supply of flour and oil. When the son died, God even allowed Elijah to restore him to life. And if all of that wasn’t enough, he also brought Elijah to a showdown with the prophets of the false god Baal. It was 450 prophets of Baal against one prophet of God. But hard as they tried, those 450 prophets of Baal couldn’t rouse their god to light even a spark on their sacrifice. But Elijah’s God—our God—he answered with power and might, burning up the sacrifice, the altar, the stones, the soil, and even the trench of water Elijah had ordered dug around it all.”
Pastor Cooper shook his head in amazement. “Wouldn’t you have loved to see that? If that’s not a sign that God is with Elijah and that he loves him, I don’t know what is. But the very next time we see Elijah, he’s fleeing into the mountains. Queen Jezebel has promised to kill him, and he’s sure there is no one left in all the world to help him. He’s so forlorn that he tells God, ‘I’ve had enough. Take my life.’”
The pastor shook his head. “If I were God, I would have been like, ‘Really, man? How much more could I have done to show my love for you? What more proof do you need from me?’”
Summer sucked in a breath. Those words. Wasn’t that the same thing Benjamin had asked her yesterday?
“Fortunately,” Pastor Cooper continued with a smile, “I’m not God. His response was much better. Instead of shunning Elijah, instead of giving up on him, God tenderly took care of him. He provided Elijah with food and water. Then he led him to a cave in a mountain and promised to show Elijah his presence. Elijah stood on that mountain and waited. He waited through a great and powerful wind. He waited through an earthquake. He waited through a fire. All pretty loud shouts. All pretty clear proof of God’s power. But the Bible tells us that the Lord wasn’t in any of those shouts.”
“Elijah must have been wondering what could possibly come next. If I were him, I’d have been plenty scared. I mean, y’all, if God wasn’t in the wind or the earthquake or the fire, he must be coming in something really terrifying. So imagine Elijah’s surprise when the Lord’s voice came to him not in a shout.” He lowered his voice. “It came in a gentle whisper. And in that whisper, Elijah heard God’s love.”
The church had fallen into absolute silence, and Summer closed her eyes, letting the statement wash over her.
“Now, maybe you’re thinking that’s all well and good for Elijah.” Pastor Cooper’s voice went back to its normal volume. “But you haven’t heard God’s shouts or his whispers in your life. Well, first of all, let me assure you that you have. In here.” He held up the Bible. “God has called you to be his own. He has given you his Word. He has worked in your life, for your good. I mean, what more could he do to show his love for you? Only this.” Pastor Cooper opened the Bible still in his hand and read, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
He let out a low whistle. “That’s a powerful demonstration of love, isn’t it? God didn’t wait for us to clean up our act. He didn’t wait for us to transform into perfect people. He didn’t wait for us to stop sinning. Because we couldn’t do any of those things. Not without him. Instead, he looked at us. He saw sinners who did nothing but sin against him. And he loved us. He wanted us. He sent his Son to die for us. The godly for the ungodly, the righteous for the unrighteous, the perfect for the sinful. Jesus for you. Jesus for me.”
Summer’s stomach squeezed, and she groaned, trying to readjust her position but giving up when the movement made the pain worse. She bit down on her lip, attempting to ignore the ache so she could focus on the video.
“You know, that day I ran away, my daddy was supposed to leave for a fishing trip to Canada. And because of me, he missed his flight and didn’t get to go at all. I felt guilty about that for years. But it wasn’t until I was a teen that I had the courage to confess that to him. I realized how much he must have regretted missing that trip, and I told him I understood if he resented me for it. And do you know what he said? ‘How could I regret finding my child, the most precious thing in the world to me? A fishing trip is nothing. I would give up my life for you, son.’”
Summer swallowed roughly. That was what Benjamin had said to her.
Pastor Cooper ducked his head. “I think of those words every time I think about what Jesus has done for me. He did give up his life for me. And not just to spare me for this world. To give me the promise of eternal life. He probably should regret it, honestly. He has a right to resent me. After all, the punishment he faced was my punishment. I deserved it. Not him. But you know what?” Pastor Cooper looked right at the camera, and Summer felt like his eyes were on her. “He has never once stopped wanting you. He has never once stopped loving you. Instead, ‘For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.’ Jesus considered it joy to suffer for you. Not because he didn’t feel it—he felt every blow of the hammer, every tear of the nails through his flesh, every labored breath on the cross. He felt what it was to be forsaken by his father. But he considered it joy because he would give up everything—he did give up everything—to make you his child. Whether you shout it or whisper it or anywhere in between, that is a truth you can trust all the way to eternity. Amen.”
Summer lowered her phone slowly, tears overflowing her eyes and splashing onto her cheeks. God wanted her. That was what mattered. He had given up everything for her because he loved her. Loved her even though she didn’t deserve it. Loved her even though she couldn’t do anything to pay him back. Loved her even though she had allowed herself to get caught up in so many doubts.
Knowing that meant it didn’t matter whether mama loved her and wanted her. Or whether Benjamin did.
Except . . . Oh, how had she not seen it? He did.
Wasn’t that what he’d been showing her all along? He had been a living example of God’s love. He’d willingly given up everything for her. He’d pursued her even when she pushed him away. He’d loved her even when she didn’t deserve to be loved.
And she was about to throw all of that away.
Her hand shook as she picked up her phone again and dialed.
It only took a moment to cancel her appointment with the attorney. Then she dialed again, moaning a little as she waited for a sound on the other end. The phone rang three times and then went to voicemail.
“Hi, you’ve reached Benjamin. I’m not avoiding you, I promise—unless you’re a telemarketer. Otherwise, leave a message, and I’ll call you back.”
Summer laughed a little at the familiar greeting, pressing a hand to her stomach as the motion sent a shot of pain through her. The phone beeped, and she tried to open her mouth. But she had no idea what to say. She waited a few moments, thinking, then hung up.
She would find him later and tell him in person. Just as soon as this stomach pain passed.
And in the meantime, she would close her eyes and let herself dream of being in his arms again.