Chapter 13 Whodie
I found myself sitting in front of Tone mama’s house, trying to gather my thoughts.
I expected to see family here supporting her, but it was only her.
When I got out and walked up on the porch, my heart started to beat out of my chest just thinking that a few hours ago, I was carrying her only child to her dead.
“It’s open, Whodie,” she said before I could knock.
The front door was open, so I opened the glass door and walked in. I could smell the food, and my stomach started grumbling. When she turned around, the sadness was all in her eyes. Instead of me being there for her, she walked up to me and wrapped me in her arms.
“I’m so sorry,” I told her. “I wish it was me instead of him.”
“No…don’t say that. I know what you boys do. Been praying and fussing at y’all since you were little boys. Sometimes it’s just your time. Now, sit down and put something on your stomach.”
“Do you know what you want him to wear?”
“Whodie, you need to eat, and then we can talk about that after. Your spirit is so heavy. You know you can’t carry everything.
We’re going to keep my son’s burial simple.
I don’t want a lot of people around. Nobody helped me with that boy.
That’s why you don’t see family around. Who got time for fake sympathy?
If you only knew how many people told me Tone wasn’t going to be shit. I did the best I could do.”
“I know. As far as bills and stuff, you know me and the boys got you.”
“Tone wasn’t a fool. He left me plenty of money. I never spent it because I knew one day this day would come. Now that he is gone, I’m going to take the money and start over somewhere else. The only reason I was still here was because of him. This house reminds me too much of him.”
“Whatever you need, I got you.”
After she filled my belly, she fixed a plate for Adore and called some of the other boys over to eat.
That’s where a lot of my hot meals came from when I walked out of the house that raised me all those years ago.
She would even let me stay a couple of days as long as I cut her grass or did something around the house.
I had so much respect for her. She never agreed with what we did, but there was only so much she could do as a single black woman.
The words Adore asked me this morning were hitting me hard now that I was sitting amongst the boys I grew up with as we surrounded Tone’s mama with love and memories.
The sad thing is, I would never know that look in my mama’s eyes.
If I was to die today, there would be nobody crying over me like that.
No mama or daddy would be there. All I had was Adore, Hollow, and my boys.
That shit made me want to live longer. The only thing is, I didn’t know how to live any different.
I ended up leaving without telling anyone.
Sitting there was suffocating me. I took the drive to my old house.
Nothing had changed. A few windows were boarded up, but the trash all over the porch and yard let me know that the crackheads were still in and out.
I hate that I had to turn into the person I had become.
There was once a little boy in me that just wanted to be normal.
For years, I blamed my parents for turning me into a monster with a cold heart.
My youth was stolen from me and sometimes he wanted to peek out to see how well we were doing.
I had nothing good to show him, so I kept him hidden.
Finally, I got out of the car and pushed the door open.
The inside of the house was nothing like I left it years ago.
It was shit everywhere. Crackpipes laid all over the living room floor.
The stench of shit and piss made me cover my nose with my shirt.
I walked through slowly until I got to my old room.
The door was barely hanging on the hinges.
The dirty mattress on the floor let me know that there was someone still sleeping here.
“I did what the fuck I had to do,” I muttered. “I survived.”
I was starting to tell myself this shit every day. Like I owed the little boy in me that explanation. Any other business I had for the day needed to wait. I needed to go home and clear my head. Shit, get some more sleep. When I walked in the door, Adore was putting groceries away.
“Where you been?” She asked, frowning up her nose. “You stink.”
“Stopped by that shithole of a place I grew up in,” I told her.
Adore only knew what I told her. I didn’t like to look weak, and after she let me cry last night, I’ll be damned if I sat here and cried again today.
“I’mma ‘bouta shower and get some sleep.”
“Anything you want me to cook?”
“Whatever you cook is fine with me,” I told her.
I showered and got in bed with my phone off. All I wanted was a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. Once I got that, I was sure I would be back to myself. The death of Tone had triggered me.
Hours later, Adore had the condo smelling good.
I stretched and reached for my phone to turn it on and check the time.
The sun was gone, so I knew I had been asleep for a while.
Adore had the music playing softly as she rolled a blunt.
I walked in and lifted the tops to the pots.
She had cooked some curry chicken, cabbage, and rice.
“I would’ve been finished, but I forgot to buy the stuff for the mac and cheese, so I had to run to the store and get it. That and the cornbread should be done in a minute.”
“Shit looks good as fuck,” I told her, smacking her on the ass.
“The store should be up and running by tomorrow. I had a few of the boys move some things around until you’re able to get back out there. I’m going to go to the club and pick up and see how things are going there.”
Damn, I know I told her to get shit moving, but I wasn’t expecting her to really get in her bag in just a few hours.
“And no, I’m not rushing you back to the streets. Take your time. I got you,” she finished.
“Nah, I can get back out there tomorrow. I just needed some sleep.”
“You sure?” She looked at me. “For one, I need to do something to your hair.”
“I do need a wash and retwist. You feel like doing it tonight?”
“Nigga, I’ll be up all night with this hair.”
“I’ll make it worth it.” I licked my lips.
“Of course you would. Let’s eat, and I’ll start on your hair.”
“Damn,” I said, looking down at Tone’s body.
Hollow has personally called me and told me to come and see him before his funeral tomorrow. His mom didn’t want a wake, just a funeral.
“Can’t believe this shit,” I said.
“Take your time,” Hollow told me, before he walked out to give me space.
Tone looked good. Looking at him, you wouldn’t know he had taken a gunshot to his head. Hollow’s team did a great job.
“Nigga, I can’t believe you left me out here like this.
We were supposed to get old and tell lies ‘round a fire pit, nigga. I want you to kno’ I got yo’ mama for life.
It doesn’t matter what she needs in life or where she goes, I’ll always have her.
I want you to take yo’ rest, nigga.” I touched his stiff hand.
The next day at the funeral, I watched everyone around me.
I had gotten all my tears out when I spent time with him yesterday.
Today, I wanted to just be here for his mama.
The 239 Boyz were here to hold her up. The funeral was beautiful.
Everything went well. His mama wanted everyone to meet at her house after the funeral to come and get anything out of the house we wanted.
She was leaving to move to New York. Said she always wanted to be somewhere that was cold.
I didn’t go because I didn’t want my memory of Tone to be tainted. All I wanted was to send her off and make sure she was safe. She made sure to give me her number and I gave her mine. We held on to each other until they called her train for the final time.
“You hold your head up, boy. This was not your fault, and don’t you carry it as such. One thing I want to tell you is to get out while you can. I don’t want to come back to it being you or Reese. Do you hear me?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Good. I love you, Whodie,” she said and hugged me for the final time.
I couldn’t believe a week had gone by since Tone died.
After dropping her off at the train station, Adore had sent me a text and let me know that the paternity test had come in the mail.
I was headed to one of the traps, but once she said that, I headed home.
Adore was sitting on the balcony with a blunt and a glass in her hand.
She had taken her ass to the liquor store.
I snatched the letter off the counter and ripped it open. All I saw was a bunch of numbers and letters. Adore got up and stood there waiting for me to say something.
“What the fuck am I supposed to be lookin’ for?” I asked.
Adore yanked the paper, looked, and then handed it back to me.
“So?”
“It’s zero percent.”
“Adore, the fuck that mean?”
“He’s not yours.”
“Whew shit! Why the fuck you ain’t just say that?”
“I just thought maybe you were ready to be a dad.”
“Not wit’ her. What you sayin’? You pregnant?”
“Oh, hell nah! I would never bring a baby in this shit.”
“Noted,” I replied.
I snatched the cup from her hands.
“Let’s go out tonight. Go throw some money on some bitches. Then and only then will I let yo’ ass have a few drinks.”