Summer
FOUR
They’re the same person, so it’s insane how much easier it is to talk to Hunter sometimes. Levi may be the one I go to for support, but Hunter who is I can really break in front of. The only rational reason I could think of is because we’re not face-to-face, so there’s a level of anonymity.
After a decent gaming campaign, Hunter encourages me to go research.
Research what? ‘My father tried to sexually assault me. Help’ feels meaningless. A simple internet search won’t do anything, won’t erase his touch.
I take three spins around my room before I settle at my desk and open my laptop, staring at the blank screen with the search bar.
My fingers come up to the keyboard but don’t press any letter. They hover over the keys before sliding to the desk with a sigh.
Two attempts later, and, after my father’s maniacal laugh fills my head, I type until a semi-coherent search forms.
Healing from lifelong parental abuse.
Therapy is the first thing that comes up, but the concept of sharing my secrets with a stranger has me skipping past any mention of it. Deep diving into my trauma doesn’t feel helpful when the physical reminders are what bother me.
He attempted to rape me. I feel his touch.
It’s not the most scholarly search and would probably have my professors questioning my right to be enrolled, but it brings up dozens of websites.
Eventually, I read a recommendation that has me balking before reading deeper with a different consideration.
Could I?
Should I?
But with who?
A certain man fills my mind.
I couldn’t.
I keep reading, skipping past the topic like it’s therapy, searching for other solutions. No matter what else is suggested, my mind continues to return to the other option.
In another tab, I let more research take me to paths I never could have considered.