34. Samuel
It is already late at night when I finally find the courage to have the talk that I should have had with Ruby a week ago.
Rockwell is fast asleep in his recliner, and Logan and Max are also more asleep than actively watching their movie.
They are snuggled up on the couch, and sometimes I wish I could be as uncomplicated as those two idiots. Not that they don’t have their issues, but they definitely seem more secure in their decisions.
“Hey,” I whisper in Ruby’s ear. “You wanna go outside for a second?”
“Sure,” she replies and that sickening feeling is back in my stomach. I really don’t want to do this, but Rockwell was right. I need to sort this out before we leave.
Silently, we get up and walk out onto the patio. Somehow, uncomfortable talks feel easier to have when you’re walking, so we do just that. We go further into the garden, so far that the illuminated house seems goddamn far away.
“Is it because of Carla? Max said—,” Ruby speaks up, unable to endure the silence any longer.
I groan, coming to a halt.
“No, God, please, you’re way too fixated on that Carla thing. Everyone is way too fixated on that shit,” I say, looking the other way as we continue walking.
“Wouldn’t be the first time you’re keeping something from me,” she says, and I wonder when we made a speed run through at least three stages of a relationship.
“I’m going to tell you this once, and then I don’t want to hear anything about it ever again. Not even a single mention of that name. Not even a thought, okay?”
She nods and I light up a cigarette before I start to speak.
“Carla is my ex, but I’m pretty sure one of them already told you that much. I met her after a mission in Mexico, two years ago. Pretty face and the attitude of a sailor, a bit crazy. Max says I have a type, but he’s just talking shit.” I stop for a second, playing with the cigarette in my hand as I stare off into the darkness.
I don’t think about Carla often. Not anymore. Never, unless someone mentions it, which happened way too often in the past few weeks.
“We were together for a few months when we got married. It was her idea, and I told myself that she’s better off this way in case something happens to me on the job. Which is kind of funny, given—”
“So, you’re married?” Ruby asks as we sit down in the grass.
“No, or do you see me wearing a ring?”
“Some people don’t wear them.”
“Jesus, just let me finish, okay? You’ll understand.”
I sigh, not looking at her as she grumbles something.
“We were happy,” I say, even though I”m unable to remember the good times. “For a while, that is. She stayed in Tepic, told me she wanted to be close to her family. I accepted it, accepted every fucking thing she wanted. I trusted her, and that was my biggest mistake. Fucked up shit happens when you trust the wrong people.”
I breathe in deeply, lighting up a new cigarette with the glowing ember of my old one. I’ll smoke through the entire pack, but if this is needed to get through this story, then so be it.
“We were back in Tepic for a mission. A quick job, and honestly, whenever someone says this, it’s not going to be a quick job. It went well, too well, and in hindsight, we all saw the signs, but back then, I didn’t want to see them. We cleared out a cartel hideout. Fewer guys than we expected, but again, we were just happy to get over with it. Of course, I told her I’d be back. She was my wife, after all. She told me she was staying with her aunt who lived on the outskirts of town, so after we were done, I drove the two hours out there to pick her up.”
Ruby steals herself a cigarette from me, and I light it for her. There’s so much uncertainty in her eyes, but at least she stopped interrupting me.
“The house was dark when I arrived there. No one opened when I knocked and I started panicking. Thought they took her to get back at me and my team. So I broke through the door, only to find her in there with two men. Not like you probably think, even though I’d have preferred this outcome. To shorten this story, they fucking overpowered me. Took me to one of their hideouts, tried to get information out of me, but I’d rather die than betray my team. She knew this better than anyone. That’s why she worked so hard to gain my trust. Fucking parasite.”
A pained laugh leaves me as I lean back into the grass, thankful to feel Ruby’s body next to mine.
“They tried hard to beat information out of me, but I refused to talk. And then they sent her in. Like the fucking idiot I was, I thought she was pulled into this, that they threatened her or her family. She came into my cell, sporting a black eye, tears running down her face, and the only thing I wanted to do in that moment was to free myself to help her. But after she realized I wouldn’t tell her where my team was, her act crumbled. So she stopped fake crying and started talking.”
I look over at Ruby, but she looks up at the sky, so I decide to do the same.
“We killed her father and two of her brothers. I didn’t know it, never connected the dots. They weren’t her biological family, took her in when she was a baby and raised her. That’s why it didn’t appear in any background check. She laughed in my face, told me she was impressed that I was so easy to trick. She was a damn good actress, I have to give her that. I wanted to kill her, but they did a good job restraining me.”
I blow out smoke and watch how it rises until it vanishes in the night.
“Well, and then the fucking bitch stabbed me. I forced Logan to put that tattoo on me as soon as my doctor said it was okay. Couldn’t stand seeing the scar every time I looked in the mirror.”
“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Ruby mutters next to me.
“It’s in the past. No need to be sorry. You are trouble in a different way, but at least you didn’t stab me,” I say, nudging her foot with mine.
“I was on the brink of death when my team found me. It’s a wonder I survived, probably God’s way of telling me I’m fucking dumb. Carla was long gone already. Later, we found out that everything about her was fake, not only her name. I felt like shit, not because she was gone, but because of the betrayal. Work suffered under this, so yes, you were kind of right when you said I was incompetent. Rockwell thought it would be a good idea to send me here. Probably didn’t think I’d fuck up again. Maybe it’s time for me to retire, who knows.”
“You’re not that old, Sam,” Ruby says with a laugh that sounds forced. I don’t know what got into me. She had an awful day and now I’m dumping even more horrible stuff onto her.
In a fit of God knows what, I pull her close, and she snuggles against me like this is just what we do, like all of this is normal.
This time, I’m the one fidgeting with the bracelets around her wrists. They are so tiny compared to my hand, and she feels so fucking fragile again, and I hate the situation we’re both in.
As if she wasn’t mostly at fault for it. Well, I have to hold myself accountable too. I could have ended this shit at least a hundred times before it spiraled into the mess we have at our hands now.
When she starts to shiver, I pull her up with me.
The whole way back to the house, she’s tense. She holds my hand but doesn’t speak a word. Thinking back, she barely said a thing the whole evening, and we still didn’t talk about the elephant in the room. Or the garden, whatever.
“Ruby,” I hold her arm, forcing her to stop before we get back to the house.
“Did you mean it?”
“Mean what?”
The light from the pool reflects on her face and I see how she swallows thickly.
“When you said you love me.”
She’s quiet for what feels like a fucking eternity, looking down on the ground. Something boils inside of me and I don’t know if the adrenaline from the whole day is coming out at once or if it’s something else, but I don’t like how it feels.
I grab her face, tilting it up so that she has to look at me. Her eyes are wet, as if she’s barely keeping herself from crying again, and I don’t understand a single thing right now.
“I’m sorry for saying it. I didn’t mean it.”
I should be happy. It should put my mind at ease to know that she doesn’t love me. That her nerves got the best of her this morning. That it won’t hurt her too much when I leave. It should be a good thing.
It means I can go back to base tomorrow and continue with my life just like I wanted to. Just like I promised myself.
But why do her words fucking hurt?
And why can’t I believe a single one of them?
“I was so nervous and it was all too much and I got overwhelmed and I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have said it,” she forces out as tears run down her cheeks.
She’s lying. Or maybe I just hope she’s lying.
“Come here, dipshit,” I say softly, wiping the tears from her face before I pull her into a hug.
“We all say things we don’t mean when we’re in a situation like that. Well, most people don’t blurt out that they love someone, but hey, I always knew you were a weird one.” My hand is on the back of her head, holding her tight as I press her closer to my chest.
Too tight, apparently, because she tries to wriggle free, her voice muffled as she speaks up.
“Can’t breathe,” she says and I give her a bit more room.
“Please don’t kill me. I promise I won’t tell anyone about your psychotic ex.” She blinks away the tears in her eyes, putting her arms around my neck.
I feel like the biggest idiot on earth for leaving her behind, but it’s better this way. We both know it.
“But if you want to kill me, please suffocate me with your pecs. A wonderful way to go.”
She looks at me with that goddamn perfect face, a sad smile on her lips, and I almost do something stupid.
Like telling her I know she’s lying and that I love her and that even if she wasn’t lying, I don’t care if she feels the same because she’s fucking stuck with me forever.
But I don’t. She made her decision and I’m sure she has her reasons for it.
Instead, I pick her up and her legs wrap around my body immediately. I walk towards the pool and sit down on one of the loungers while she’s still holding onto me.
I kiss her like it’s the last time. Because that’s exactly what it is.
And I can’t say things I’ll regret while kissing her, so it’s a double win. We do this until we get tired, well, until she gets tired. Until she falls asleep in my arms and I carry her up to her room.
The first rays of sunshine illuminate the living room as I walk past Rockwell, who’s already awake. I shake my head as he raises his eyebrows, making my way up the stairs.
Ruby is out cold as I tug her into her bed and I don’t think I’ve ever been this thankful for her almost comatose sleep.
Carefully, I take the bracelet with the R-charm off of her wrist. It looks ridiculous on me. She would love it, I think as I kiss the top of her head, brushing away a strand of hair that fell over her face.
I leave her room like a fucking bastard, without a proper goodbye. If she looks up at me with those big, brown eyes, just for one second, I won’t leave.
Stoically, I pack my things. I decide to leave the gun she gave me here. I can”t bring myself to take something so expensive, especially not after leaving her like this.
In case the Bond girl needs something to defend herself with.
I put the note on the box, looking around the room one last time before I take my two bags and walk down the stairs.
All three men are awake, looking at me as if they expect me to say something.
“We’re leaving, come on,” Rockwell sighs, realizing that I am not capable of discussing anything right now.
“But we didn’t even say goodbye to Ruby,” Max says.
“And we won’t. Let her sleep. Car, now,” I snarl at him as I rush past him towards the car.
I know I’m doing the right thing, and still, I feel like shit. It’s like removing a bandaid, I try to tell myself. The quicker you get it over with, the better. Hurts for a second, but it will fade.
She’ll find someone. Someone that will make her smile, someone that will make this house feel like a home. Someone who’s able to give her what she needs. Just like I told her the day after she snuck out, I’m not the one to give it to her.
The problem seems to be getting this into my head. But maybe those are just pathetic excuses I tell myself to justify what I’m doing.
“You alright?” Rockwell asks as he gets in the car.
Logan and Max are dead silent in the backseat, and I’m pretty sure he threatened them with cleaning duties to keep them from asking questions.
“Yeah, let’s go home,” I say, as if I’m not leaving a place, or rather a person, who started to feel like home. “I’m fucking tired.”
The drive to the airport is silent, just like the boarding process. I don’t even have the energy to yell at Charlie, who waited for us back there.
He has to sit next to me on the flight, looking at me as if he expects me to rip his limbs off one by one at any second. But I’m too focused on getting the chaos in my head and my heart under control.
Every time I close my eyes, I see Ruby’s face. It’s a pretty face, the prettiest face I know, but I really don’t want to see it right now.