Chapter Five
TRISSA
I ’d barely said goodbye to Peter before he started texting me. He’d already sent a hundred messages—okay, well, that was an exaggeration. But after my conversation with Killian, my emotions were a jumbled mess and I was feeling off. And each new message rubbed at those raw nerve endings.
Which was ridiculous. This was my job. A job I loved.
PETER
Did you get a chance to pick up my laundry today?
PETER
Nevermind.
PETER
When are we scheduled to record in the studio this week?
PETER
I had a great idea for my SM posts.
Needing the texts to stop, I dialed his number.
“Hey, Tris.” His smooth baritone rumbled through my earpiece.
I sighed. His voice usually soothed me, but it didn’t tonight. And that irritated me because it meant I was letting Killian get in my head. He didn’t know what he was talking about. Peter did care about me. He showed it in little ways. Ways that most people didn’t see.
Besides, Peter hadn’t meant to hurt my feelings with his gift. He’d had a lot on his mind lately with Jareth breathing down our necks and the tension with his band members. And wasn’t it just as much my fault for not saying something about my fear of birds? For not reminding him?
“I’m sorry about running off. I wasn’t feeling great and needed to get home.” I hated lying to him, but I didn’t know what else to say. There was no way I’d tell him I ran into Killian again. I didn’t want to rock the boat between us and that information would likely flip that boat straight over.
“Shit. Are you okay now?”
See, this is what I was talking about. He cared if I was okay. “Well, yeah?—”
“Oh, thank God, because I can’t have you sick. I need you tomorrow.”
A little thrill swept through me, knowing he needed me. I cleared my throat, my voice thick with my lies. “Yeah, I’m starting to feel better already, but might go to bed early. Talk later?” Right now, I needed some time to gather my thoughts and decide what to do if Killian decided not to help me.
And to put the disappointment from tonight behind me.
Jareth wanted to see us bright and early tomorrow morning, and I needed to be at my best.
Back at my building, I watched the lighted numbers above the elevator bank slowly tick downward until the L lit up for the lobby level. The doors opened, and I was grateful to find the space empty. I was too agitated to share the ride with anyone else.
“Yeah, of course.” Peter said a few other things that I half-listened too, and we ended the call.
I leaned against the wall, waiting for the doors to close. Just as they did, a voice rang out, “Wait! Please hold the door.”
I sighed. For a quarter of a second, I debated on pretending I hadn’t heard her, but my good manners and the fact that she likely saw me step inside made me press the button to keep the doors open.
A pretty plus-size woman with sleek and wavy auburn hair slid inside. “Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much.”
I nodded, already admiring the message on her t-shirt, “Reading is dreaming with your eyes open.”
“Can you press six for me?” She looked down at the box in her hands, and I noticed the Red’s Sweet Salvation logo. Then her eyes rose to the already lit button. “Oh, do you live on the sixth floor, too?”
I nodded as the doors whooshed shut, enclosing me in the small space with my new neighbor.
“I’m Ana,” she said, her smile warm and inviting. “I live in 610. What about you?”
“612,” I replied, surprised to hear my voice steady despite the emotional turmoil churning inside me. “Trissa.”
The scent of sugar and warm chocolate wafted from the bakery box in Ana’s hands, a stark contrast to the lingering traces of Killian’s cologne that still clung to my clothes.
If we were going to be living next door to each other, I should at least try to make conversation. It had been so long since I’d made a new friend that this type of small talk felt awkward as it spilled from my mouth. “I’ve been wanting to try that bakery. I didn’t know they were open so late.”
“Well.” She jiggled the box. “My friend Wren is friends with the owner, Ruby. Well, I guess she’s also my friend since we’ve been hanging out too. We have a book club meeting every other Wednesday, and tonight our location was at the bakery.”
My bad mood instantly lifted at the mention of a book club. I’d always wanted to join one.
“Book club?”
Ana’s eyes sparkled with unrestrained joy. “Yes! You should come with me sometime. There are nine of us. Well, ten, if my sister Elsie is in town.” She was moving around as she talked, and I feared she might drop the cake. “We drink wine. Or not wine, if you don’t drink. We talk about the books, but it’s also just a cool time to hang out and chat. We typically read steamy romances. Do you like romance—?” Ana abruptly stopped.
“What?” I asked, slightly afraid I might have offended her in some way. She’d been speaking a little fast, but with so much enthusiasm, I was curious what her next sentence would be.
“I’m so sorry. I’m totally talking your ear off, and you looked exhausted when I got on the elevator.” She was so sweetly observant.
The elevator dinged, and the doors opened on our floor. We stepped out and continued down the hall to our apartments.
“It’s fine. I’m just having a weird night, you know?” I shrugged, not sure what else to say to a girl I’d just met and secretly hoped to become friends with someday.
“I get it.” She stopped, and I realized we were in front of her door.
I shifted from one foot to the other, feeling the pinch of my high heels. “Well, it was nice to meet you. Hopefully, we run into each other again soon.”
“So… ” Ana’s eyes darted to her door and then to me. “This might be a bit too fast, but I noticed you looked a little sad on the way up … I have this insanely good lava cake here, and if you want, I don’t mind sharing it, and we can hang out a little longer and talk.”
“Oh.” I wasn’t used to making girlfriends so quickly, yet despite that, I found myself drawn to Ana’s easy-going nature. Part of me wanted to retreat to the safety of my apartment, to sit with my confusion and anxiety in private, but something in Ana’s eyes—a genuine warmth— made me pause.
“I’m sorry. Am I freaking you out? My sister says I try to make friends with everyone and then get my feelings hurt when they think I’m a little too much.”
Her raw honesty appealed to me. “I’d love to.” The words tumbled out before I could second-guess them. “Let me go change and I’ll be right back.”
She nodded, and I quickly ran into my apartment, threw on a pair of leggings, and an old worn band t-shirt that I couldn’t part with. It was one Killian and Peter had made for their band, Neverland.
I knocked on Ana’s apartment door before I could change my mind. I felt like I was five years old awkwardly trying to make a friend on the playground.
She opened the door, her answering grin immediately putting me at ease. Her place was a cozy haven of mismatched furniture and overflowing bookshelves. Soft lamplight created a warm glow over everything.
“Hi.”
“Make yourself at home.” Ana gestured to a plush armchair adorned with a crochet throw. “I’ll grab some plates and maybe some white wine?”
I nodded gratefully. “Wine sounds perfect.”
As Ana busied herself in the kitchen, I found my gaze drawn to a collage of photos on her wall. Smiling faces of what I assumed were her friends and family looked back at me. A pang of longing hit me—my walls were bare, save for a single photo of me, Peter, and Killian in our group home days and one with Peter’s sister, Jane. Which reminded me, I hadn’t talked to Jane in a while and should call to say hi.
As I settled into Ana’s cozy armchair and kicked off my shoes, I sighed with pleasure as they landed on the floor. My phone buzzed again, and I glanced at it, surprised to find that I was hoping to see Killian’s name. But instead, it was another text from Peter.
PETER
Tris, can you send me a copy of my schedule for tomorrow?
I sighed, and emailed him the information.
TRIS
It’s in your email.
PETER
Thanks! You’re the best.
I set the phone face-down on the coffee table just as Ana entered the room.
“Here we go,” Ana announced, returning with two generously filled wine glasses and plates for the decadent chocolate lava cake in the box on her coffee table.
I reached for the plates tucked beneath her arm and placed them on the table while she set down our glasses.
“Boy trouble?” Ana asked as she sliced the cake and gave us both a piece. “Or girl trouble?”
“How did you know?”
She giggled. “You’ve got that look about you. It’s hard to explain.”
I reluctantly smiled, taking a grateful sip of wine to bolster my courage. “Boy. It’s… complicated.”
Ana sat back on her couch with her plate in her lap and wine within reach. “I’ve got all night,” she said softly.
Maybe it was the wine, the comforting aroma of chocolate, or Ana’s nonjudgmental presence, but I found myself opening up. “I’ve been in love with my boss, Peter, for years,” I began, the words rushing out like a dam breaking. “We grew up together in a group home, along with our friend Killian.” It was public knowledge that both Peter and Killian were removed from their homes as children.
“Wait, Peter and Killian. Why do their names when you say them together sound so familiar?” Her eyes widened. “Not Peter Young and Killian Hook? The rockstars?”
I nodded, a rueful smile tugging at my lips. “The ones and onlys. I’ve been working up the courage to tell Peter how I feel about him for years.”
“Years?” Ana asked, then worried her bottom lip between her teeth. “This might be too personal, but have you been waiting on him for so long you’ve never dated anyone else?”
I giggled. The wine was definitely hitting me. “No. I’ve been on dates and had relationships, but they’ve never lasted. I always wondered if it’s because I compare them all to Peter.”
Ana listened intently, her expressions shifting from surprise to sympathy. It felt good to just kick back and relax.
“Growing up, Killian was always there for me,” I said, a sad smile tugging at my lips. “And even though we haven’t been in each other’s company in ages, I saw him for the first time tonight, and asked him to help teach me to be the kind of girl Peter would want to date.”
“Wow.” Ana tilted her head, curiosity in her eyes. “And what did he say?”
A flutter started in my stomach as I remembered our conversation. “He… He didn’t give me an answer. Yet. But I’m really hoping he’ll say yes.” I twisted my hands in my lap. “I mean, he knows Peter better than anyone. And if there’s one person that can help me win Peter’s heart, it’s Killian, but… ”
“But you have feelings for Killian?” Ana prompted gently, like a Jedi-master, hearing the unspoken words and sensing there was more to the story. She just didn’t get the right one.
I laughed harder this time. “No, there’s nothing between us.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. The way you said his name made me think maybe… ” She shrugged.
“Things were just weird between us. Different. A tension that didn’t exist before.”
“Is the tension because Killian doesn’t want to help you since he’s estranged from Peter?” Their estrangement was public knowledge too.
Ana’s statement was the clarity I needed. The weirdness between Killian and I had to be because of Killian’s hatred towards Peter and his disappointment in me for choosing to side with him so long ago.
“Maybe, but it’s more than that.” This wine was like a truth serum. I should get the name of it before I left. “This morning, after his interview on the morning show, Peter kissed me, said things were going to change, and he wanted to celebrate. He had a surprise for me. Then, tonight at dinner, he gave me a gift. A bird brooch.” I shivered at the reminder of it. “I hate birds.”
Ana’s brow furrowed. “And that didn’t put you off?”
I waved my hand in front of me. “I know how it looks. He had a good reason why he chose it. When we were younger, he called me Songbird and my last name is Byrd.”
Ana leaned forward, her expression thoughtful. “It sounds like you want to give him the benefit of the doubt?”
I nodded.
“So you expect things to get better with him?”
“I do. He’s been off lately. Something’s bothering him, and I think that maybe he just needs to know I’ll stick by him no matter what.”
Her brows creased in thought. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.” I appreciated Ana’s gentle touch throughout our conversation.
“When you picture Killian helping you become the perfect woman for Peter, how does that make you feel?”
I closed my eyes, trying to sort through the tangle of emotions. “Excited, I guess? But also… I don’t know, nervous? Guilty maybe?” The guilt tugged at me. My stomach knotted up tight at the thought.
“Guilt?”
I plucked at the worn thread at the bottom of my t-shirt. “Peter and Killian hate each other. If Peter knew I’d asked him for help—with anything—he’d be so disappointed in me.”
Ana tossed a gentle smile my way. “But you want Killian’s help anyway?”
“He’s my best shot at getting Peter to notice me. And maybe this is stupid to hope for, but I’d love to figure out a way for us all to be friends again.” Whether they’d admit it or not, Killian and Peter balanced each other out.
“Could you deal with it if any of that doesn’t happen? If the three of you are still estranged after this is all over?”
My heart hurt even entertaining the thought that none of it would come true. I knew my wish was a long-shot when it came to getting our group back together, but someone had to keep the faith. And when Peter did fall in love with me, I could reveal Killian was the one who helped. I’d think Peter would be grateful and more likely to forgive Killian by then.
“I know it’s na?ve of me to want both to come true when in reality I have no idea if I can make any of it happen.” I needed to ask Ana what she did for a career. Even though the wine loosened my tongue, she had a way about her that made me seek out her guidance.
A humming sounded at the back of her throat. “It’s not na?ve to desire the guy you’ve had feelings for or to want to hold on to friendships that are meaningful.”
“I know, but… what if… ” I trailed off, not sure how to articulate the nagging thought tickling my mind.
“What if what?”
I took another sip of wine, for courage. “What if in becoming ‘Peter’s type,’ I become nothing like myself?” Killian’s words from earlier floated through my mind, that I was amazing just as I was. But if I was such a catch, why had love been so hard to find?
Ana’s eyebrows rose slightly. “You said you wanted to change so Peter would notice you. Doesn’t that inherently mean you become different than you currently are?”
She wasn’t totally wrong. “I guess. I was kind of hoping I’d still be me, but better.” I toyed with the stem of my wineglass and grudgingly admitted, “Killian thinks it’s a stupid idea.”
“Does he?” Ana had propped her chin up with her hand.
I sipped my wine. “I can recognize Peter has changed lately and not for the better. He’s distracted, making bad decisions, and not as thoughtful as he used to be, but deep down he’s a good guy. We grew up together. I know him.”
Ana nodded as though encouraging me to continue.
“He was the first person I felt like myself with after my parents died and he’s looked out for me over the years. Just because Peter is having a hard time right now doesn’t mean I should abandon him. Killian just doesn’t see the same things I do. He doesn’t get it.”
“And you want him to get it?” she asked, a softness to her tone.
“I do. We were all friends once. If Killian helps me, I know we can be that way again.” Our friendship with Killian had just ended. I knew that sometimes things happened in life, but it shouldn’t have happened with us. I’d always thought we were solid.
Ana’s head tilted slightly. “So what did Peter say when you confronted him about the gift?”
I looked down into my glass, staring at the pale liquid. “I didn’t.”
“Okaaaaay.” Ana drew out the a.
I dipped my head. “I know I should have, but the bird thing happened a long time ago. Nobody would’ve remembered it.” Except Killian had. I pushed that thought out of my head. “And I guess I didn’t want him to feel bad for forgetting. He’s under a lot of pressure with pulling together another album and getting ready for an upcoming tour. He’d never purposely hurt me.”
“I’m not going to tell you what to do here, only you know your heart, but if Peter is important enough for you to change for him, then shouldn’t he be important enough to hear your truth? That he forgot your fear of birds?”
“You’re right.” When had I stopped communicating with Peter when he did something I didn’t like? No relationship worked well, friendship or romantic, without open communication.
Both of us stayed lost in thought for a few minutes.
“Do you think Killian will agree to help you?” Ana asked, breaking the silence.
“I hope so. I trust him. And … ” Ugh I wasn’t sure how to say the half formed thought in my head.
“And …?”
I squirmed. That guilt ate at me one more time. “I like the idea of having Killian back in my life. Even if it’s only to get Peter to notice me.”
Ana tapped at her chin with her pointer finger. “What if Peter finds out he’s helping you?”
I shrugged. “I’m hoping he doesn’t, or by the time that happens, I’ll have figured out a way to repair our friendship.”
Ana stayed silent, her head tilted as she regarded me. A touch of pity and sadness shadowed her features.
“You think I’m delusional, don’t you?” I chewed on my lower lip.
“No, I don’t. And I know we’ve just met, but I hate the thought of you getting hurt.”
I gave her a trembling smile. “But if I don’t take this last chance, I’ll always worry that if I didn’t try one last time, I might have missed out on an amazing love story.” I refilled our wine glasses. “I can’t believe I’m telling you all this. We’ve known each other for what, two minutes?”
Ana grinned, raising her glass in a toast. “To instant connections, the magic of lava cake, and yummy wine.”
I tapped my glass against hers, a warm feeling of belonging washing over me. “You know, I’ve never really had many close girlfriends. This is… nice.”
“Well, get used to it, neighbor,” Ana declared. “Who knows? Maybe having someone to talk to who isn’t wrapped up in all this drama will help you figure things out.”
“Thank you,” I whispered. “I think I needed this more than I realized.”
Ana stood and pulled me into a hug. “That’s what friends are for. And if you ever need a break from the boys, I’d love it if you joined us for book club.”
I laughed, feeling a spark of excitement at the idea. “You know what? I might take you up on that.” A huge yawn escaped my mouth. “I should get going. Morning will be here before I know it, and I have a big meeting.”
As I prepared to leave, Ana gave me another hug. “Remember,” she said, “it’s okay to be unsure. Just be honest with yourself about what you’re feeling.”
I nodded, a mix of hope and anxiety swirling in my chest. As I walked next door to my apartment, I found myself wishing more than ever that Killian would agree to help me. Because if he didn’t, I wasn’t sure what that would mean.
I couldn’t go on like this forever, praying Peter would notice me, and I was terrified the chance to re-establish my friendship with Killian was just wishful thinking.
And now that I’d made contact with Killian after all this time, it hit me that a small part of my heart had been missing. That the three of us together made my life feel complete.
I didn’t want to go back to the way things were, but what if there was no other choice?