Chapter Seventeen
TRISSA
S tanding in the middle of Killian’s impressively expensive living room with zero personality and surrounded by clothes and accessories that could stock an entire high-end fashion boutique, was overwhelming on levels I’d never experienced. Lexi, the fairy godmother Killian had miraculously conjured, flitted around the room with her assistant, Jenn, pulling out outfit after outfit for me to try.
“Oh, my God,” I breathed, running my fingers over a silky black blouse. “This—these clothes—are incredible.”
Lexi beamed. “Thank you. I design most of the clothes I sell.”
“They’re beautiful. And I love how size inclusive you are.” It sucked trying to find clothing for my plus-size body. Unless I went to a store that specialized in larger sizes, I often didn’t find anything nice that fit me off the rack.
She grinned. “I love fashion and I was determined to create a boutique that catered to everyone. I mean, it would be ridiculous for me to own the place, and design clothes that wouldn’t fit my own body.” Lexi was just as curvy as I was, and I wanted to have the same absolute confidence in myself she did.
“I love my body,” I assured her. “I’ve learned to love every dip, every curve, each stretch mark, and roll, but sometimes … ” I sighed.
“Society tries to tell us we’re not the typical standard of beauty?” she filled in.
I nodded. “And finding clothes that look good on me can be exhausting.” I had an apron belly and some days my stomach was rounder than others. It was hard to dress fashionably without looking like I was pregnant or wearing a shapeless mumu. Yet I saw larger women on social media wearing outfits they loved and looking fabulous while doing it.
“Well, today all of that changes.” Lexi grinned again and clapped her hands. “Killian gave us carte blanche to bring the best, so let’s have a fashion show.”
I looked at row after row of clothing on her travel racks and wondered what I had agreed to.
Before I could even try the first outfit, my phone rang. I grabbed it out of my back pocket. Peter.
“I’m so sorry,” I said to Lexi. “It’s my boss. I have to take this.”
“No problem. We’ll get the first few outfits ready for you.”
I smiled to thank her as I picked up. “Hi, Peter. What’s up?”
“I need your help.” His deep grumbly voice still sent a flutter through me, but I was quick to tamp it down. I had to remind myself to forget my long-lived crush on him.
Suddenly, I remembered where I was. Panic raced through my veins. I couldn’t let him find out I was with Killian. “What’s up?”
“I had an idea for the song we’re recording tomorrow and wanted to go over it with you.”
“Okay. Great, what is it?” I paused, waiting for him to tell me.
“I need you here to listen to the changes. You’re always so amazing with all the fine-tuning.”
Shit. Shit. Shit.
“I uh… ” I looked at the time on my phone. “I guess I could be there in about 15-20 minutes?”
Lexi’s head jerked up from the case of jewelry she was looking through. Her frown made me feel awful, but Peter needed my help. I had to go. “I’m sorry.” I mouthed. I hated disappointing people.
“Perfect. Oh, wait… Hold on a sec, Tris.” He clicked over to another call.
I hit mute. “Lexi, I’m so sorry. My boss needs me.”
“Why don’t you just tell him you’re busy?” she suggested.
“I know, but we’re recording the song tomorrow and he likes to finish changes the night before if he has them.”
“Did he tell you earlier he needed you tonight?” I knew she was just making conversation, but I felt each word judging me.
“Uh, no … but … It’s my job.” I bit my lip. How did I explain that I hardly ever said no to Peter? I wasn’t sure I even knew how.
I heard a click indicating he was back. “Tris. We can go over this before we head into the studio tomorrow morning.”
“But I thought you needed me right now?”
“Yeah, I did but something came up.” He sounded distracted and I had a feeling he was texting someone.
Clearly, Peter had a better offer.
“Are you sure? We have the first recording block of the day. That would mean I have to be at your place before 8:00 am to make it on time. Will you be awake?” I was pretty sure Jareth scheduled us at the earlier spot because Peter was still in the doghouse with him.
“Yeah, that’s fine.” Lately, I started my day at Peter’s house, especially if we had somewhere to be so I could make sure he didn’t oversleep.
“Peter … Please tell me you’re not going out.” I needed him sober tomorrow morning.
“What?”
I didn’t know why I bothered. He wasn’t listening to me.
“Peter. We need to show Jareth you’re serious about working with him.”
“It’s not a big deal, Tris. Listen, I’ve got to go. See you in the morning.” He hung up before I could protest again.
I sent a text to Leo.
TRIS
Please tell me you’re driving Peter.
LEO
He just messaged me. Yeah.
TRIS
Keep an eye on him.
LEO
Always. I’ll let you know if there’s any problems.
TRIS
Thanks.
I released a long frustrated sigh and said a silent prayer to the universe that Peter didn’t screw up anything too bad tonight.
“Guess I’m free after all.” I forced a smile to my face and did my best to push away my worries, banishing all thoughts of Peter to the back of my mind.
I checked to make sure my reminders were on in case he did anything stupid and dropped my phone into my purse. Typically, social media was good about telling me about whatever trouble he got in even if he wasn’t.
“Great. Everything okay?” Lexi asked.
I nodded, thankful she didn’t ask me to elaborate. At the bar, Killian was sipping another Scotch and glaring at my purse on the coffee table. “Let’s get started.”
For the next hour, I tried on more clothes than I had in years. Jenn worked on my makeup, showing me techniques I’d never had the confidence to try before. With each outfit, and each swipe of mascara, I felt a little more powerful.
Beautiful, even.
When I appeared in a fitted black dress that hugged my curves, Lexi gasped. I twirled in a way that I thought looked sexy.
“Trissa, you look absolutely incredible,” she breathed.
I dared to approach the full-length mirror Jenn had set up. The woman staring back at me, underneath the subtle makeup, was still me, but amplified. I looked more confident, more polished.
I barely recognized myself. The niggling doubt I had in the beginning that I was going to be a completely different person after this transformation had started to fade.
“I can’t believe this is really me.” I leaned in, smoothing my hands over the dress.
“There’s no way any man could resist you in this outfit,” Lexi said. She dropped her voice to a whisper. “Look at Killian. He’s hardly able to keep his cool.”
I nodded and shifted my position so I could spy him through the mirror’s reflection. He was staring. I’d rendered rock god Killian Hook speechless. He white knuckled his drink, and if he wasn’t careful, that glass of Scotch was about to lay in shards around his feet.
I grinned and looked at myself again, twisting slightly to look at the back. I hadn’t realized the zipper wasn’t up all the way.
“Let me.” Killian appeared in the mirror standing so close his body heat practically melded with mine. His voice, a gruff whisper, sending tingles straight to my core.
My eyes fluttered closed when his hand gripped the zipper.
“Eyes on me,” he said low enough for only me to hear.
The sharp command had my lids snapping open, our gazes locked in the reflective surface. My breath lodged in my throat as his fingers danced across my spine. I leaned into his touch, feeling safe, sexy, desired.
“You look stunning, Tink. Wear this to the upcoming gala we need to attend for the label.”
The gala? That wasn’t for another month.
My hands trembled, my breath sounding far too loud in the suddenly quiet space. “Thanks,” I whispered, fighting the urge to turn around and run my hands over his body. To cup his cheeks and kiss his full lips and finally know what he tasted like.
He closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath as though pulling my essence into his lungs.
It startled me when he stepped away abruptly. It had felt like we were having a moment. Instead of reaching for him and asking what that had all been about, I pressed my palms into my thighs, not knowing what else to do with them.
“I’ll be in my studio,” he said. His clipped words confused me. His voice had lost its low, seductive edge. He practically ran from the room.
“Right. Okay.” I forced a brittle smile to my lips.
Lexi appeared behind me, resting her hands on my arms since she was so much shorter than me. “Can I ask you something?” At my nod, she continued, “Why are you doing this makeover? Because from where I’m standing, it seems like you’re trying to impress someone who already thinks you’re amazing.”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
She laughed softly. “I mean I’ve only been in the same room as the two of you for a few hours, but I’ve seen the way he looks at you. And the way you look at him when you think he’s not watching.”
My cheeks burned so hot I was sure if I had a thermometer in my mouth it would show I was feverish.
I had to clear this up. “Oh, no, it’s not like that. Killian and I are just friends. This … Well, this originally was for someone else,” I admitted barely above a whisper. “For my boss, Peter, actually.”
Lexi’s eyebrows raised. “Your boss? Really?”
I nodded, even as a little voice in the back of my head whispered that maybe Lexi had a point about Killian. But I pushed that thought away. If I was being honest with myself, there was an underlying attraction on my end, but there was no way he returned it. “Yeah, I’ve had feelings for him for as long as I can remember, but he’s never noticed me in that way.” I took a deep breath. “And I’ve finally realized that he’s a lost cause, so now I need to figure out how to attract the right guy so I’m not alone forever.”
“And you think new clothes and makeup will do that?” Lexi’s tone was gentle, but I could hear the underlying reprimand.
I sighed, sinking into a plush ottoman nearby. “I don’t know. Maybe? I just … I feel like I’ve tried everything else and nothing has worked. Have you ever speed dated?”
Lexi grimaced.
“Exactly.” I sighed again. “I’m hopeless.”
Jenn, quietly reorganizing her makeup nearby, spoke up. “You know, sometimes the right person is the one who sees you for who you are, not who you’re trying to be.”
I nodded, but couldn’t quite meet her eyes. “I know that, logically. But … ”
Lexi sat next to me, taking my hand. “You should feel confident in yourself, with or without these clothes. They’re just window dressing. The real you? She’s amazing just as she is.”
Tears pricked at my eyes. “Then why didn’t Peter—or any other guy I’ve dated—ever see that?”
“Maybe because they weren’t the right ones,” Lexi suggested. Her statement was so simple, but incredibly hard to hear. How had I gotten my love life so wrong up until now?
For a moment, Killian’s face flashed in my mind. The way he’d looked at me earlier, telling me I was beautiful just as I was. The warmth in his eyes, the sincerity in his voice.
I shook my head trying to clear the image. If he had any type of romantic feelings for me, he would have said something before now. Killian was not the type to beat around the bush.
“Yeah. Maybe.” I looked up at the ceiling, willing my tears away.
“I get it.” Lexi pulled me into a side hug. “I pined for my brother’s best friend for years.”
I sniffed. “And how did that turn out?”
“We’re together now. He fought it tooth and nail, but in my heart I knew we were destined to be. So I’m the last one to tell you to give up if you feel it inside your soul Peter is the one. I just don’t want to see you dull that sparkle you have for anyone.” She squeezed my arm in a comforting way.
“As much as it hurts to give up on the dream of Peter and me, I know I need to for my own mental health.” How was it that I felt this sense of heaviness in me lighten a bit as I said that out loud? “Thank you for letting me confide in you. I don’t have a lot of girlfriends to talk to.”
“You can confide in us any time,” she said, squeezing my hand. “If this is what you want, we’ll make sure you knock the socks off any upcoming dates. But promise me something?”
I looked at her. “What?”
“Promise me you’ll remember that the most attractive thing about you isn’t your clothes or your makeup. It’s your kindness, your compassion, and your talent. Don’t lose sight of that, okay?”
I nodded, swallowing past the lump in my throat. “I promise.”
“Now, as for not having a lot of girlfriends. I have a bunch I can share with you. Do you like to read?” Lexi gave me a final squeeze and moved back to the racks.
“Uh, yeah. I love to read.” I grabbed my nearby purse and pulled out my ereader. It was my escape when we were on the road in between concerts or even when I was home alone.
“Perfect. Then you need to come to our next book club meeting.”
I laughed. “Sure. What is it with Rhode Island and book clubs?”
Lexi’s brow furrowed, not understanding my joke. She chose a few outfits I hadn’t yet tried on and tossed them into the keep pile, then held up a stunning maroon dress with a faint detail embossed within the fabric in front of me. “You’re trying this on next.” She draped it over a chair and returned to me to tug the zipper down on the dress I was currently wearing. “What do you mean about Rhode Island and book clubs?” she asked, already distracted, pulling out a comfortable loungewear set in a pretty blush color.
“My new neighbor Ana is in a book club. The night we met she’d been coming from a meeting.”
Lexi swiveled around so fast I thought she’d topple over. “Ana Arendal?”
“Yeah, do you know her?”
Lexi giggled. “Did you forget about the two degrees of separation in Rhode Island? I definitely know her. Same book club.”
She wasn’t wrong. It had been so many years since I lived here that I almost forgot. Everyone knew everyone—or was a relative of someone. Seriously, the entire state was like one big small town.
“Now you definitely have to join us. Doesn’t she, Jenn?”
“Oh, absolutely. Then you can keep us up to date on this whole dating situation.” Jenn grinned.
“I will.” If there was anything to tell.
Lexi lifted up the burgundy dress again. “Try this last one on.”
I looked at the pile I was supposed to keep with a raised eyebrow. “I’m not sure there’s enough days in the year for me to wear everything just once,” I teased.
She waved her hand at me. “You can never have too many outfits.”
At this point, there were so many articles of clothing that I wasn’t sure where I’d fit them all in my apartment. Lexi had even texted a friend of hers, Ashlyn Prince, about putting aside lingerie for me at her shop. Her boutique, Inspired, I had only heard about and been meaning to visit since we moved back to Rhode Island. Just the thought of putting on lingerie that fit my plus-size body, fit comfortably, and each piece had the added extra touch of a hand-sewn positive message stitched in was exactly what I needed.
I retreated to the nearby bathroom and slid off the black dress. Once the burgundy dress was zipped, the hem settled around my knees. I adored the slightly puffy long sleeves. “Oh.” I fumbled with the front ties. “Lexi? Can you help with the ties?” With them wide open, it gaped, exposing my breasts.
Lexi appeared and laughed. “Well, you could wear it that way, but it might get you tossed out for public indecency. Besides, we don’t want you showing off the goods until you have your guy.”
“Haha,” I responded, softening my sarcasm with a smile.
With deft fingers, Lexi tied the three ribbons and grinned. One near my throat, the second at the curviest part of my chest, and the other where my natural waist sat. I was hesitant to see what I looked like. This dress showed off more skin than I was used to, but when I re-entered the living room and saw the dreamy looks on Jenn’s face I had to see what they did.
I closed my eyes and faced the mirror.
“You look amazing,” Jenn whispered. “Doesn’t she?” She grabbed onto Lexi’s arms.
I opened my eyes to see the dress and gasped. “I love it.” I pulled out the sides of the skirt and gave a little twirl.
“Wow. This dress was made for you,” Lexi said with a smile.
I nodded. This dress was definitely a winner and would be the first outfit I wore when I went out with Killian to practice dating.
It would be good for my confidence.
As we dove back into the sea of outfits and returned the ones I didn’t want to the racks, I couldn’t shake the feeling that perhaps I was chasing the wrong dream.
Until now, I’d been so focused on Peter falling in love with me that I’d neglected everything else. Everyone else. Myself included. I thought again about Killian’s words about me being beautiful just as I was.
What if … No .
I wasn’t going there.. I had a plan and everything would fall into place.