Chapter Eighteen
KILLIAN
I ’d had to get out of there.
One single moment was all it took for me to almost blow our plan out of the water.
Not knowing what else to do with my nervous energy, I hurried down the hall to my home recording studio.
Inside, I strummed my guitar, losing myself in the words and melody that ran through my head. The soft, gentle lighting gave the space a feeling of calm. With each note and word I scratched into my old notebook, I recognized its potential to be a hit. I couldn’t believe I was finally able to write. The song was coming to me all at once and I was doing my best to capture it.
Not being able to create new music had left a gaping hole inside me. Music was a part of me in a way that my heart and my soul were. It was as natural as breathing. I hated how I felt less than when I couldn’t get past it. I hadn’t told anyone how worried I’d been that I may have completely lost my mojo. And while I wasn’t sure what had jump-started this creative kick, I wasn’t going to let it go to waste.
“That’s beautiful, Killian.”
I jerked my head at the sound of Trissa’s voice and almost choked on my spit.
Holy shit. She looked stunning.
Damn, did that dress show off every curve and make me want to unwrap her like a present, then run my tongue down her body until she begged for more. And as sexy as she was in that dress, it was the newfound confidence that hit me the hardest. “ You’re beautiful, Tink.”
She grinned, and I’d bet my penthouse she was blushing under all that makeup. “New song?”
The moment she spoke, it hit me. She was the only thing to change in my life lately.
Trissabelle Byrd was the reason I’d started writing songs again.
Tris was my muse.
“Yeah, we’ll be in the recording studio next week. Wicked Ways needs new material for the upcoming album.” A weird uncomfortable feeling settled over me and tied my insides in knots. If Tris was my muse, what would happen when she walked away once I helped her find someone to start her life with?
I studied her as she leaned awkwardly against the doorframe, adjusting and readjusting a burgundy dress that only the devil could have designed. “I can already tell it’ll be a hit. I can’t wait to hear it when you’re done.”
I nodded. “Sure. Maybe you can stop by the recording studio while we’re there.”
“I’d like that.” She covered a yawn and I realized how late it was. “I’m about to change and head home. Lexi left a rolling rack here with my new stuff. I just need to find a way to get it to my place. Do you mind if I keep it here for now?”
Lexi had texted me a few minutes ago with the total damage for Tris’s new wardrobe. I didn’t even blink before I paid it. Tris was worth any amount, especially when I saw how the clothes gave her so much more confidence.
I nodded. “Of course. I can have Max bring it to you whenever.” Or I’d bring it myself.
“Thanks.”
She left and reappeared a few minutes later to say goodbye. I’d already changed into a hoodie and jeans I had stored in my recording studio and perched a pair of sunglasses on my head.
She laughed. “I think it might be a little late for sunglasses, rockstar.”
I touched the aviators on top of my head. “Right.” I couldn’t explain why I’d reached for them seeing it was dark out. Habit? Nerves? “I’m following you home. Make sure you get there safe.”
Tris narrowed her eyes. “I’m a big girl and have been driving myself home for over a decade. I don’t need you to do that.”
“Doesn’t matter. It’s happening.” I moved towards her and laid my hand on the small of her back, guiding her to move.
And I may have had to give myself a silent reminder to not slide my hand over her firm ass.
Tris darted away like my touch burned her and shot me a frustrated look before marching out of my penthouse.
She’d learn eventually that her safety was not something I’d ever compromise on.
As we drove, Max managed to keep a close distance between cars as she zigged and zagged through traffic. When she parked her car, she exited and flipped me the bird.
My chuckle at her parting gesture stopped abruptly when she reached the door of her building. Well, technically it was my building now that I closed on it. Tris and I would need to have a conversation about the safety of her home. I knew she’d fight me on any changes I insisted on. I should’ve addressed this sooner.
She disappeared inside without another glance back. Now completely out of my sight, I had no idea if she’d made it safely to her apartment. And with her current attitude, it was unlikely she’d text me when she made it upstairs.
I was angry. At myself, not her. I’d spent the time and money to add cameras to the outside, installed a more secure front door and security lock, and updated the lighting in the parking lot. But now that we were here, I realized I hadn’t assessed the interior to see what measures were in place inside. Or what I could do about it.
I stepped out of the car.
“Do you want me to wait for you?” Max asked.
“Yeah. I’ll message you when I’m ready to leave.” Which might be in two minutes or it might be in an hour. I yanked my hood up over my hair and slid on my shades. I hoped this outfit was enough to disguise me. I didn’t want to be recognized or bring any additional attention to Tris.
Not yet, anyway.
As I approached the front door, it opened. A guy around my age walked out, holding the door until I could grab the handle before it shut all the way. Fucker. He had no idea if I lived here. I could be a murderer and here he was letting me in with a damn smile. I wanted to rip his head off for allowing Tris even a second of possible harm.
Reason went out the window when it came to her. I was borderline acting like an overbearing asshole. Tris was an adult and could take care of herself, but the part of me that wanted to claim her as mine told that side to take a fucking leap off a tall building. While she was in my life, it was my responsibility to keep her safe. And when she was gone, I’d do everything in my power to make sure everything was set up in a way for that to continue even without me there.
My impatience went up a notch at the “Out of Order” sign taped across the elevator doors. Tris lived on the sixth floor.
The general manager would be finding a termination letter tomorrow.
Motherfucker.
Not only was security seriously lax in this building, it needed to be updated. I texted Smee about getting the elevator fixed, firing the current building manager, and hiring a new one.
At the door to unit 612, I wanted to bang in the door to prove to her just how unsafe she was. This lock was a joke. One basic deadbolt and likely one on the inside of the doorknob—no way was that effective enough to keep her safe.
My fist connected with her door. When she didn’t answer, I waited a few seconds before doing it again. Feet shuffled on the other side and I imagined Tris looking through the peephole.
Wait a sec.
I did a double take.
No peephole.
What in the actual fuck?
She opened the door, a paperback clutched to her chest. “Killian? What are you doing here? And why are you banging on my door?”
My jaw clenched. Why indeed? I needed to choose my words carefully. She’d made it clear she was done with me for the night. Yet, her safety eclipsed all reason.
“Killian. Seriously, is everything okay?” She bit at her bottom lip.
“No, everything is not okay.” I raised my arm to lean against the top of her door frame.
Her eyes grew hazy as they looked at me, then at my arm, and then back to my face.
“You can’t live here.” My words tumbled out before I could stop them.
Trissa’s eyes narrowed dangerously, the haze quickly dissipating.
Her silence irritated me. “Did you hear me?” I asked.
She stepped closer. “I think every tenant of this hallway did.”
I opened my mouth only to have her cut me off. She jabbed a finger into my chest. “Just who do you think you are?” Her voice was low and controlled, but I could feel the anger radiating off her in waves.
I hadn’t meant to start our conversation with a confrontation, but here we were.
She gasped when I grabbed her wrist, gently but firmly. The contact sent a jolt through me, and her breath hitched. For a second, we were frozen, too close.
The air between us was electric, charged with tension and … something more.
I ignored her last comment. “You heard me.” I shook my hood off my head and edged my way into her apartment, taking her with me, then kicked the offending door shut. “Your locks are a pathetic excuse to keep someone out. Is this neighborhood even safe?”
“Yes,” she growled. “It’s perfectly safe.” Her eyes flicked to a spot above my head.
Typical Tink.
“Tell me while looking at me.”
“I am.” The lie rolled off her tongue. The wall above my head must be incredibly interesting.
I tipped up her chin and forced her gaze to meet mine. Storms of anger still swirled in their depths, but the roiling fury racing though me was greater. “Say it again.”
“I … This place is … ”
“Is what, Tink?” I said, pushing the words past my gritted teeth. My face was so close to hers that I could count the tiny freckles across the bridge of her nose. Her breathing sped up, making me want to run my hand down the column of her throat and feel the pounding pulse beneath my callused fingers.
“Ugh. The neighborhood is fine, Killian. We can’t all live in a penthouse in the city.” She shoved past me. “And you’re one to talk about safety.”
The tide of anger crashing through me ebbed, dying just enough to let an inkling of regret in. I didn’t like feeling like I let her down. “I thought we were past what happened on the yacht.”
Her eyes flashed, and before I could react, she shoved me hard with both hands. The corners of the book she still held dug into my pecs. “We’ve barely talked about it. You could’ve died, Killian!”
She probably didn’t want to hear that the danger of it all made me feel alive. She’d rather hear my other reason, that getting the drugs off the streets made me feel like I was atoning for the sins of my father.
Either way, I kept my mouth shut.
Tris stalked away from the door and entered her living room. The first thing I noticed was a framed photo of me, her, and Peter on the wall.
She followed my gaze and approached it, touching the edge of the frame. “You may have easily forgotten me, but I never forgot you,” she whispered. Her voice sounded far more resigned than I liked.
“I never forgot you, Tris,” I insisted. There had never been one day she didn’t cross my mind.
“You didn’t return any of my calls, texts, or emails. If that’s not forgetting me, then what is?” The pain in her voice and disappointment on her face cut me deep.
I swallowed hard and ran a hand over the back of my neck. “Tris, our friendship ran its course.” I hated the lie I continued to perpetuate. Especially when I wanted to tell her that she had never seen me or my love for her and that was why I walked away. The icing on the cake that caused me to cut them both out was her wanting me to be happy about Peter’s betrayal. But the more I talked to her the more I began to believe she didn’t see it as one.
Fury surged within me, tangled with the old, familiar pain. Peter had dicked me over without a second thought, and still, Tris had chosen him.
What did that say about me? About her and I?
I chose to focus on the anger instead.
Anger was easier.
“Had it though?” she asked, in this small tiny voice.
Damn it! This is why I should’ve left well-enough alone. Being in each other’s lives was bringing up the pain and rejection we’d both felt, regardless of the reasons.
I scoffed.
She took a step away and gestured to me. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You were so blinded by your infatuation with him, you couldn’t see straight,” I spit out. I wanted her to hurt just as much as I had back then.
“That’s not?—”
“You panted after him hoping he’d throw you a tiny scrap of attention. It was pathetic.”
Her gasp pulled me up short.
The second the words left my mouth I regretted it. I didn’t mean anything I was saying. This wasn’t why I was here. “Tris?—”
“Fuck you, Killian.” Her arms crossed tightly over her chest. Sadness and disappointment hung from every line of her rigid body, and instantly I felt like shit.
“I’m sorry.” My default was to hurt her after all this time, like she hurt me. I needed to stop doing that. “That was uncalled for. I shouldn’t have said?—”
She threw out her hand, her palm flat and facing me. “Stop. After what you just said, maybe we should just end this whole love coaching thing anyway.”
“No. You can’t.” I was desperate not to lose her now that she was back in my life.
“Why not?”
“I’m your best chance.” Her shoulders slumped as she recognized the truth of my words. And again I felt like shit for capitalizing on her lack of confidence. But I wasn’t ready for her to walk away just yet.
“Thanks for tossing another dagger at my heart,” Trissa spat. “Maybe seeing how much of an asshole you’ve become will have cured any lingering sadness at the loss of our friendship.”
I winced, her words hitting closer to home than I’d like to admit. Things had been going so well between us. Why were we fighting? Oh, that’s right. I was a complete and utter fucking dick.
“Tris…” I started, then stopped. What could I say? That I missed her? Instead, I defaulted to sarcasm. “Didn’t know you cared so much.”
She had no idea, but I’d kept my old cell phone and number. I didn’t use it, but I did check it every once in a while. I scrolled through our past messages, from time to time, to see if she had sent me a new one. Each message I read cut into me, reminding me that she’d chosen someone else.
“Why are you even doing this, Killian? A misplaced sense of guilt from what happened on your yacht?” I hated the suspicious look I’d put in her eyes.
It was like after the tender moment earlier when she heard me playing, I needed to push her away because that kind of attention from her was my kryptonite. Yet as much as I wanted to tell her I was done, I craved being close to her.
I was a sick fuck.
“I do feel bad about the situation on the yacht. You shouldn’t have been caught up in that.” I stuck my hands in my pockets, needing to do something with them so I wouldn’t reach for her. Even with the anger, my attraction to her was off the charts.
Finally, Tris’s eyes softened. Her heart was too tolerant if that one admission was enough to forgive me for the shitty way I’d been treating her. Not wanting her absolution, I added. “And by helping you with this, maybe you’ll finally let go of me.”
“So I get a boyfriend, and you get … peace?” Her voice trembled on the last word. “Why?”
“Something like that.” I shrugged. “Things have run their course.”
Her nose scrunched in thought, and she stepped toward me. “What do you mean?”
“I won’t be your dating coach.” Her brows knitted in confusion. I was sure she wasn’t expecting me to change the terms so soon or knew where I was going with this. Shit, I barely knew. I was vomiting words at this point.
I reached for her, but she jerked away. Her mouth opened, then closed before she took a deep breath. “Okay, it’s probably for the?—”
“New plan. I’m not quitting.” Without a doubt, I had unresolved feelings towards Tris and I needed to work through them. And what better way than for us to spend more time together. I’d realize that the perfect girl I’d built up in my mind was a fantasy. A fantasy I didn’t need or want any more.
And if it fucked with Peter, all the better. “What’s the best way to get guys to notice you?”
She shrugged.
“By making you unattainable.”
She rolled her eyes. “And just how am I supposed to be unattainable?”
The more I thought about it, the better the idea sounded in my head. Time to test it out. “By fake dating me. Guys are always more interested in what they can’t have.”
“You’ve got to be joking,” she said, instantly dismissing the idea.
“Think about it. You’re not awkward around me. It’ll give us a chance to practice in a more realistic way. By the time we pretend to break up, guys will be lining up to date you.”
“You don’t date.”
That wasn’t a no .
I shrugged. “You convinced me otherwise.”
“I don’t know, Killian.” She paced a few steps away, then back to stand in front of me. “What would you get out of something like this? It’s way more than teaching me how to attract guys.”
“I have my reasons.” I couldn’t stop the joyful smirk that graced my mouth.
That one movement was my downfall. Understanding dawned in the widening of her eyes. “And there’s your reason. You want to hurt Peter.” She was too perceptive. But I couldn’t tell her the rest of it.
It didn’t matter that Tris was turning her attention to other guys. She knew that Peter would shit a brick knowing she was with me, especially if we were dating. And I fucking loved that in the end it would show him that his claim to her was over. “And what if I do?”
“I’m not looking to hurt Peter.”
“Even after he’s hurt you?”
“I … No. I don’t work that way, Killian.”
“Well I do. I hate what he’s done to you and your confidence. All the time you wasted. Let’s show him what he’s missing.”
“That would be wrong.”
“Then I guess you don’t want my help that badly.” I sat down on her couch and draped an arm over the back of the floral monstrosity. Creating a picture of nonchalance while inside my heart was choking. I found it very unlikely she’d say yes. Her innate desire to please Peter would override everything as it always had, even her own needs.
I watched her face as she processed my response.
“Hypothetically … ” She closed her eyes, as if she couldn’t bear to see her mouth speak what was coming next. “How would we even pull something like this off?”
Holy shit. She was seriously considering it. I didn’t respond right away, knowing full well whatever came out of my mouth would sound like me gloating, and even I knew that was a surefire way to get her to change her mind before she even agreed.
“We’ll make our couple debut at the gala.” It was a who’s who in the music industry. To have Tris with me would make a statement.
“So what do we do until then?” she asked, chewing on her bottom lip and making me even crazier for her.
I scanned her apartment while she continued to turn the idea over in her mind. The place was small, cluttered but cozy, even with the unpacked boxes littered throughout the room. Colorful throw pillows dotted a worn sofa, and fairy lights throughout the room created a warm ambiance. It was so … Trissabelle.
I cleared my throat. “We start by moving you into my place.” What the fuck was I saying? I hadn’t come here tonight to offer that. I liked my solitude. I liked my freedom. I liked not answering to another person.
“I have an apartment.” She waved her arms gesturing around her, then crossed them over her chest. “Besides this ridiculous idea of us moving in together, how in the world are we going to get people to buy that we’re in a relationship?”
“Whirlwind romance,” I interjected.
“Seriously? You don’t do relationships.”
“Studying up on me, Tink?” I smirked.
“Don’t be a conceited jerk. Any tabloid article about you has a different girl on your arm every time. It’s kind of hard to miss when I get groceries each week.”
“Then we met again and realized we had feelings for each other when we were younger and decided not to waste any time,” I said, my voice rougher than I intended.
She snorted, but I didn’t miss the way her cheeks flushed. “Like anyone will believe that.”
“Why the fuck wouldn’t they?” I stood up from the couch and crossed the room, drawn to her like a magnet. Her gaze darted to my lips for a split second before meeting my eyes.
“Come on, Killian,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “You’re you, and I’m me.” She gestured between us, a defiant look flashing in her eyes. I caught her wrist between us, gently brushing my thumb over her pulse point. It was as erratic as my heartbeat.
She stopped breathing.
“And?” I prodded.
She sighed. “You’re a celebrity. I’m your complete opposite. No one will ever believe that I swept you off your feet. The famous rockstar falls for the frumpy, nerdy girl behind the scenes who he hasn’t spoken to in years?”
I frowned. “You’re too good for me, and we both know it.”
“Killian … ”
“Maybe I swept you off yours. I can be fucking romantic when I want to be.”
She giggled. I wrote music for a living but nothing would ever beat the sound of her happiness. “Oh, yeah. I can tell.”
Something inside me snapped. Before I could stop myself, I was backing her towards the wall. My hand slammed onto the surface behind her head and caged her in. The lavender scent of her perfume enveloped me, driving me to the edge of insanity.
“You don’t think I can be romantic, Tris?” I growled, my voice low and rough. “You don’t think I could make you forget all about Peter or any other guy you’ve been interested in?”
I watched the pulse quicken at the base of her throat, her chest rising and falling rapidly. Her eyes widened, pupils dilating, and for a moment, I forgot why I was there. I forgot about the plan, about Peter, about everything except the woman in front of me.
Without thinking, I reached up with my free hand, brushing a strand of hair from her face. My fingers lingered on her cheek, and to my surprise, she leaned into my touch.
Shock rippled through me, followed by a longing so intense it scared the shit out of me.
This wasn’t part of the plan. This wasn’t supposed to happen.
I jerked my hand away as if I had been burned and took a step back, trying to put some distance between us. My heart pounded so loud I was sure she could hear it.
“Pack your bags, Trissabelle,” I managed to say, my voice sounding strange even to my own ears. “You move in tomorrow.”
I turned to leave, desperate to escape, before I did something stupid like kiss her. It was bad enough that I had decided to move her into my house.
“Killian, wait,” she called out.
I froze at the door, my hand on the knob, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at her. If I did, I might not be able to leave.
“Are you sure about this?” she asked, her voice small and uncertain. “Aren’t we just going to end up hurting each other again? Maybe this isn’t such a great idea.”
I closed my eyes, fighting against the urge to turn around, to go back to her, to tell her we’d figure it out. Instead, I tightened my grip on the doorknob.
“Probably,” I said, hating the honesty in my voice. “But at least this time, we’re going into it with our eyes wide open.” And maybe, just maybe, I could work her out of my system.
I pulled the door open and walked out before I could change my mind.
“Lock your door.”
What the fuck was I doing ?