Chapter 44 Final Countdown
Final Countdown
BAZ
The baby’s sex didn’t matter, but her wavering confused me.
I expected her to want to know—for her own sanity.
She’d feel relief, wouldn’t she? If she had options, she’d be happy.
Instead, she balked. Her punt delighted me.
I’d come into this praying for a girl and fearing her going cold, but now she leaned on me.
I lapped up whatever oxytocin we built anytime we were together. If absence made the heart grow fonder for most, it made us hornier. It brought about important conversations. She let me in. I listened to her hopes and dreams, foolishly thinking I might be included in those plans.
And as her stomach grew, we tore apart the house—replacing the floors as I suspected she’d demand. By the time we moved in, she had decorated the nursery. She was due in three weeks, but we still made it in. Now, she was nesting.
I prepared for my entire life to change, but the closer we got, I didn’t fight.
Instead, I appreciated lazy days in bed with her feeling our baby kick.
It didn’t seem possible I could be attached to something that didn’t exist, but here it was.
While Lanie and I appeared the perfect couple, nothing with us was ever straightforward.
“We should pack your luggage for the hospital,” I suggested one morning as Lanie folded baby clothes on the nursery floor.
“Chloe is coming by in the morning to help me,” Lanie said.
It was an odd statement. I knew Chloe just landed. She wanted to be here for Lanie.
“We can pack it now before I go to Manchester tomorrow evening. Chloe doesn’t need to be involved.”
“Chloe will be at the hospital with me.”
“With us,” I corrected.
“Are you planning to be there?”
Dumbfounded, I answered, “Yes, Lanie. I’m your husband. I’m this baby’s father.”
“And you get squeamish. I figured you’d be glad to get the call and come see the baby after it is born.”
“Lanie, I want to be there.”
“Well, I want Chloe there.”
I couldn’t understand her. Why wouldn’t I be there? I had been here for her all this time. Had I not proven myself in my steadfast support?
“Lanie, I will be there. Chloe doesn’t—”
“I want Chloe there.”
“Why do you not let me be involved? Why must you always exclude me?” I demanded, voice stern.
She bristled. “Baz, I am allowed to want Chloe there. You can join us—”
“We are us, Lanie! What more could I do? Do I need to hire a bloody skywriter to tell you how I feel?”
“Baz, this is—”
“No!” I cut her off. “How much more do you demand of a man in this circumstance? I have dropped everything to support you when you needed.”
“I appreciate that, but—”
“I went to your mother—before you even knew I was in Chicago—to tell her she was making a great mistake treating you this way, Lanie.”
“You didn’t need to do that,” Lanie said.
“No, I did. For fuck’s sake, I bought you this beautiful house! Is that not enough?”
Lanie scoffed, “There it is. I spent all this money on you. Don’t you believe I love you now?”
“It’s not that, Lanie. It’s not that at all. It’s—”
“You don’t get to throw money in my face. I don’t need your money. Our agreement was our agreement—for the sake of our child and the estate. This was never supposed to be about the house or—”
“It’s because I fucking love you, Lanie! That’s what it is. And because of that, I want to be there. It’s why I do everything.”
“Don’t say what you don’t mean, Baz!”
“I do mean it, Lanie. God, you’re so fucking obnoxious. It’s infuriating loving you! I wish I didn’t sometimes!”
Tears rolled down her cheeks. I immediately regretted my words.
She cried, “You don’t. You’re free! I’m sure we’re having a boy, so you’ll soon be off the hook.”
“I don’t want off the hook, Lanie. I want you. I want us. I want this family! I need this.”
“Well, I don’t need to be reminded all the time about how much you spend on me. Or have it thrown in my face. I’m sorry loving me is shitty. Don’t think you’re alone in feeling this way. Take a number. The queue is a long one.”
I wounded her unintentionally. I kicked myself. Couldn’t I just love her properly and at a better time?
“I love you, Lanie. You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved. It’s still not enough? What assurance do you need—”
“I cannot do this. Not right now,” Lanie said.
“Delanie, I—”
“No, Baz. You should go I’m perfectly fine on my own, thanks.”
“Lanie, do not do this,” I said, voice strong. “You are not thinking straight—”
“It’s better if we just end this friends and—”
“I don’t want to end this.”
“No, you’d rather break my heart while I’m nursing an infant and you find a shinier object—one whose vagina wasn’t laid waste to by a massively oversized head, right?”
“Lanie, I won’t… I cannot move on. I will wait. If I must wait—”
“Out. Go!” She sobbed. “You’re giving me contractions. I don’t want to argue. I don’t have the energy.”
I packed off to my old house, a broken man.
I wasn’t giving up, but I was tired of giving Lanie everything and receiving nothing.
Loving her hurt. Not hearing it back broke me unexpectedly.
I wanted a life with this woman in a way I never felt with anyone.
How could she still play the game while I’d fallen so hopelessly?