Chapter 31 Mackenzie
I wasn’t sure if it was the bonfire, the bracelets or all the extra time we’d spent together, but I felt a tangible shift in our team practices the next week. We were playing better and enjoying it more. Even my dad threatened to break into a smile.
“Nice work tonight, everyone,” he said, clapping his hands as he called us together at the end of our Thursday night session. “You’re starting to look like a real team. Keep this up and we’ll start winning again.”
I glanced in Parker’s direction. And I wasn’t the only one. We all knew the improvements were thanks to him. He was smiling as he listened to my dad, but didn’t seem to notice the recognition from his teammates, as though all that mattered to him was ensuring the team became the best it could be.
“Rest up tonight, you know how important the big homecoming game is tomorrow,” Dad added, with a confident smile.
As the team started to disperse, he pulled Owen aside, and I overheard their conversation as I passed. “Why have you all been wearing those bracelets the past two weeks?”
Owen grinned and nodded in Parker’s direction. “Maybe you should ask him.”
Dad only frowned before grunting and walking off the ice. He didn’t ask Parker anything. Not that I was surprised.
When I got home that evening, I went straight up to my room as usual.
My dad might have made it clear that he was pleased with the team’s efforts at practice, but he hadn’t said anything to me about my performance, or my chances of surviving probation.
We still weren’t talking, even though I had plenty of questions for him.
I sat on my bed and pulled the picture of my mom and her hockey team out from under my pillow. As much as I needed answers, I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear them yet. It didn’t stop me from wondering why Dad had kept this from me all these years, though.
There was a knock at the door, and I stuffed the picture back under the pillow as Tessa poked her head into my room.
“When we first moved into this house, I didn’t realize it came with its very own ghost,” she said. “I’ve always wanted to live in a place that’s haunted.”
I laughed softly. “Sorry, Tessa. I realize I haven’t been around much.”
She walked across the room and sat on the bed beside me. “I know you’re having a hard time with your dad,” she said. “He won’t talk about it with me, either. I get that hockey is important to you both, but this has got to stop.”
Tessa couldn’t have known the issue was about more than just hockey now. It felt like there was a gaping chasm between me and my dad. One I didn’t even know how to begin to cross.
“I don’t know what to say to him,” I admitted.
“Will you try?” she asked. “I know he’s stubborn, but this is never going to get better if you two don’t talk.” She took in a breath to compose herself. “Just think about it,” she added.
I nodded.
Her expression was thoughtful when she looked back at me.
“Do you know how proud I am of you, Kenzie? It’s hard enough to go after the things we want in life.
But it feels impossible when we don’t have support from the people we love most. Keep going, honey.
I know your dad will come around eventually.
And in the meantime, know that I’m cheering for you. ”
I smiled up at her. “Thanks, Tessa.”
As she left my room, I pulled out the picture of my mom again. Maybe Tessa was right. This was something I couldn’t hide from. Something he couldn’t hide from either. It was time to talk.
I headed down to my dad’s office, clutching the picture, nerves running up and down my skin and making my hands shake.
Hovering outside his slightly open door, I wondered for a moment if I was brave enough.
I didn’t usually back down from anything, but seeing my mom in hockey gear just like me simply meant too much.
I didn’t want anything my dad might say to ruin it for me.
“Mackenzie?” Dad called out. “That you out there?”
I stepped into the doorway. “Yeah, it’s me.”
He hesitated when he saw me, like he was uncertain how to start. When his eyes caught on the bracelets on my wrist, he nodded at them. “Can you explain why you’re all wearing those?”
I instinctively reached out to touch them. It almost felt like the one Parker had given me was burning against my skin. It didn’t belong there. But I couldn’t take it off.
“Parker had us make them.”
“He did?” Dad sounded confused. He was probably worried they were a sign of Parker leading a team rebellion against him.
“Yeah, he called the team together last week and told us our communication on the ice needed to improve. So, we’ve been working on team bonding outside of practice.”
Dad’s eyes widened. “Why didn’t I know about this?”
“Maybe because you make it hard for the team to trust you,” I said. “You have me on probation. Parker’s convinced that if he looks at me wrong, you’ll bench him, and yet he’s been helping me train anyway.”
“What are you talking about?” Dad growled.
“Well, I wasn’t getting any support from my coaches, was I?” I snapped. “And Parker will do anything to help the team win. He’s a clear leader, but you still haven’t named him captain. Why? Because I kissed him a few years ago?”
“This isn’t about that. Parker Darling only cares about his own game. He’s not captain material.”
“He cares about the team more than anyone!” I threw my hands in the air. “And if you just opened your eyes for one moment, you’d see it.”
“You’re not a coach, Mackenzie. You don’t see the same things we do. You’re looking at that boy through tainted lenses.”
“I thought you said this wasn’t about the fact we kissed.” I shook my head. “Why are you still so hung up on that?”
This time, my dad didn’t have a response. Instead, he glanced away.
I shook my head. “I came in here hoping we could have an open conversation, but yet again, you’re closing up on me.
Just like always.” I marched up to his desk and put the picture of my mom down in front of him.
“What lie are you going to tell me about this? Or will you just not say anything, yet again?”
He stilled as he stared down at the picture. Ever so slowly, as though his body was resisting, he reached out and gently gathered the frame in his hands. “Where did you get this?”
There was no longer anger or argument in his voice. Instead, it was replaced by a tone I’d rarely heard from my dad before—pain.
“The wrong moving box was in my room. It was filled with Mom’s things.”
He nodded, his eyes still unable to pull away from the picture.
“Why didn’t you tell me she played hockey?” I did my best to stop my voice from breaking as I spoke.
Finally, my dad managed to lift his gaze, and I was surprised to find grief pooling quietly in his eyes. “She wouldn’t have wanted you to know.”
My heart ached at his words. “Why?”
He didn’t answer.
“Please, Dad. You can’t shut me out of this.”
“I know.” He closed his eyes, as if he was taking a second to gather himself.
When he opened them again, I could have sworn they were glistening slightly.
“I just wasn’t sure when we’d have this conversation, if ever.
But, it’s probably long overdue.” He walked around from behind his desk and leaned against the front of it.
“Have I ever told you how your mom and I met?”
“Uh, yeah, I guess. At college, right?”
“That’s right,” he said, with a rare warm smile.
“I was walking through campus one day and saw she had climbed a tree to rescue a cat. The cat was okay, but your mom was stuck. I went to help her get down and she fell right on top of me. She was so beautiful, I pretty much fell in love at first sight.”
I listened carefully. He’d never told the full story before, and I longed to hear more.
“I soon learned Abby was also bold and smart and kind and so incredibly strong. I often felt like it was a miracle she even noticed me. But it wasn’t all smooth sailing in those early days.”
“Why not?”
“Because your mom hated hockey more than anything,” he said. “And there I was, hockey-obsessed, about to enter the draft. The game was my entire life, and I wanted her to be a part of it. Luckily, she liked me a little more than she hated it.”
I shook my head; it didn’t make sense. “But if she hated hockey, why did she play?”
“She didn’t always hate it,” he explained. “In fact, I think once upon a time she loved it as much as me. But her high school didn’t have a girls’ team. She played with the boys, and that came with many challenges.”
He ran a hand through his hair, his forehead creasing as he continued.
“She never felt accepted by the boys, and she was bullied by the girls. She had to prove herself every single time she stepped out on the ice and, although she didn’t like to talk about it, I know it eventually became too much for her.
Before the end of high school, she’d quit hockey for good. ”
“She gave up?”
“Yes, and I don’t blame her. I know I’ve always said I wanted to protect you, Mackenzie, but the blows we take mentally can sometimes take longer to heal than the physical ones.
Hockey put your mom in a dark place, and she locked those memories away for years for the sake of my career.
When you were born, she made me promise to do everything I could to prevent you from experiencing what she went through. ”
I swallowed, my throat closing up. “She’s the one who didn’t want me to play?”
He nodded. “We both thought it was for the best.”
“But I was a baby when she said that, Dad. I understand you wanting to respect her wishes and look out for me, but I’m not a kid anymore. You don’t know how she’d feel about it now.”
“I thought you loved your art. Isn’t that enough?”
“I do love art,” I replied. “But there’s nothing wrong with wanting more than that.
What happened to Mom was a long time ago.
Things have changed. Have you seen the attention the PWHL is getting?
There are women becoming coaches and refs.
They’re in management and executive roles for NHL teams. Hockey is changing. ”
“Maybe it is…” Then he shook his head. “But it hasn’t come far enough. As much as I love this sport, it’s mostly still an old boys’ club. And it’s my job to protect you from being subjected to the same heartache your mom went through.”
“I’m old enough to make that decision for myself,” I insisted. “And if you’re right, if the sport hasn’t moved forward enough, then maybe I can be part of the push to make it better.”
My dad didn’t respond. Instead, he was looking at me intently, as if he were seeing me clearly for the first time.
“I know you and Mom had good intentions,” I added, “but I’ve told you before, and I still feel the same way, I don’t need your protection. I need your support.”
Dad swallowed and he took a moment before he replied, “When did you go and grow up on me?”
“I didn’t go and grow up on you, Dad. I’m still the same me. I’m just not afraid to stand up for myself anymore. And I’m strong enough to deal with whatever hockey throws at me.”
I was getting too emotional to keep arguing, so I turned and left, sadness and anger propelling my legs up the stairs to my room. I hated that my dad had kept all that from me. And it hurt to know that the sport I was so desperate to play had caused my mom such pain.
I’d been stupidly staring at her picture every night since I found it, wondering if she’d be proud of me for following in her footsteps. Now I knew she’d be anything but. I just wished I could talk to her. Show her that hockey would be different for me. Explain how much I needed it.
I lay on my bed and stared at the ceiling. I could finally understand Dad’s apprehension about me playing, but nothing else had changed. I still wanted to play.
There was a soft knock at my door before I heard the sound of footsteps retreating down the hallway.
When I went to open the door there was no one there, but I found a tray of dinner on the floor.
Tears gathered in my eyes again. I may not have my dad’s support or my mom’s, but I wasn’t totally alone.
Tessa wanted me to succeed. And so did my brother.
Parker and the rest of the Devils had my back, too.
I might not be able to change my mom’s mind, but I could prove to my dad he was wrong about me. And I still had one last chance to do it.