Chapter 30 Parker
I returned to the bonfire, watching as Mackenzie walked ahead. Even now, I couldn’t seem to take my eyes off her as she sat on a log with Cullen and Jaz. I wished more than anything I could be next to her. Hell, I’d happily lie on the ground as the log if it meant I could be close by.
Our kiss before had felt final. It had felt like saying farewell to all the things we couldn’t be.
I knew that my feelings for Mackenzie went far beyond just desire.
Staring at her now, I didn’t just want to kiss her.
No, I wanted to know her thoughts. I wanted all her scowls and smiles.
I’d even take her punches, if it meant she could be mine.
I cared about Mackenzie. More than I could have ever thought possible a few weeks ago. And that was why I had to let her go.
“Where did you disappear to?” Owen asked, coming over to me.
“Uh, we needed more firewood.”
Owen laughed as he glanced at the roaring bonfire. “I think we probably have enough.”
“Yeah, probably,” I agreed.
I hated lying, especially about Mackenzie.
I didn’t want to hide the way I felt. I wanted to shout it from a top floor window of the school.
But I couldn’t. And the fact Owen had noticed I was missing only confirmed that kissing Mackenzie down by the lake was a mistake.
Not because it hurt. But because we could have been caught.
It wasn’t worth the risk of the rest of the team finding out or word getting back to her dad.
Owen was still smiling as he looked around the party. “Tonight is really great.”
“You think?”
“Yeah.” He nodded and scratched the back of his neck.
“You know, I’ve spent a lot of time worrying about my place on the team this season,” he continued.
“Last year, I was always just Matt’s younger brother, and I barely got off the bench.
I felt like I only made the team because of him.
Even without him here, I still felt like I didn’t deserve my spot.
But spending extra time with everyone outside of practice, getting to know the team, well…
I guess I just feel a little more part of things, you know? ”
My heart warmed, but his words saddened me too. “You deserve your spot on the team just as much as anyone here tonight. You know you’ve always been a big part of things for me, right?”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Also, I always thought of Matt as just your older brother. Not the other way around.”
“I’m sure that’s not true,” he said, though he gave a shy smile. “Anyway, I just thought you should know that even if we don’t win next week, what you’ve done for the team, it’s made a difference to me. Even if Coach Foster can’t see it, you’re the one who’s leading the team. You’re our captain.”
I cleared my throat, which for some reason felt like it was closing up. “Thanks, man. I think we just aced team bonding. Do we hug now?”
Owen laughed and batted my outstretched arms away. “No, I think I’m good.”
“Thank God.”
A few of the guys called him over, but Owen hesitated.
“Go,” I encouraged. “If you compliment me again, I might just cry.”
“Darling Devils don’t cry,” he said with a laugh, before heading to join our teammates.
It was a little bittersweet hearing the name. I wasn’t sure I was a big bad Darling Devil anymore. With my brothers gone, I was just Parker. And I was beginning to feel okay with that.
Instead of rejoining the group I went over to where Seth was leaning on a tree watching the roaring fire.
“I’m still looking for a new best friend,” I told him. “But lucky for you, the lake’s frozen solid, so I can’t throw you in.”
He didn’t look at all concerned. “You couldn’t possibly replace me.”
“I feel like Owen would do a pretty good job. Bonus, he’s terrified of most girls and wouldn’t dare hit on my sister.”
“I didn’t hit on your sister. I just said she’s hot.”
“You really don’t like living, do you?”
Seth laughed. “Owen’s too nice. He couldn’t survive being your best friend.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right. I guess I’m stuck with you.”
“I guess so.”
We both stared at the crackling flames. Standing with my friend, the sounds of the team’s laughter filling the air, was almost peaceful. At least, as peaceful as I could feel with Mackenzie sat only a short distance away.
“So, Elliot’s been causing trouble again,” Seth eventually said.
“What now?”
“He tried to stage a walkout a little while ago. Said the party sucked. I’m surprised he even showed up, to be honest. He hasn’t exactly been acting like part of the team.”
“Huh. Did anyone go with him?”
“Nope, he left on his own.” Seth paused and turned to look at me. “Wait, did you miss all this? I didn’t realize you were gone that long. Where have you been?”
“Uh, firewood,” I muttered. Was it just Seth and Owen who had noticed I’d disappeared or was everyone else onto us too?
“Yeah, your hair’s giving real I’ve-been-collecting-firewood vibes.”
I could still feel the way Mackenzie had gripped the ends of my hair as we kissed. Damn, that was hot. My hands itched to run through my hair and tame it. But I resisted. “Don’t lie, my hair’s fine.”
“Was Mackenzie ‘collecting firewood’ too?”
“Uh…”
Seth lowered his voice. “You know you’re not supposed to be making out with her in the woods, right?”
“Since when are you the voice of reason?”
“Since you went and lost all of yours.”
“It’s fine. It was the last time.”
“Yeah, sure.”
“It was.” I tried to sound convincing.
“I don’t want to tell you what to do,” Seth continued. “But you should probably stop before it gets out of hand.”
I had a bad feeling that it already had.
“There are other girls,” he added with a shrug.
I didn’t want other girls. I wanted the girl that pissed me off.
The girl who called me on my shit. The girl who laughed or threw a middle finger up when I called her on hers.
I wanted the girl who was fiery and determined.
The girl who took up so much space in my head, even when she wasn’t around, it was a miracle I could think of anything else.
So, no, there weren’t other girls. There was only her.
“Whatever, man,” I said. “I’m not focused on girls right now, anyway.”
Seth snorted.
“What?”
“Dude, you’re always focused on girls.”
“That was before Mackenzie.”
He shook his head, his eyes filled with concern. “Shit, you really like her.”
I paused as I looked at him. “Have you ever hated a song the first time you heard it?” I said.
“And the more it comes on the radio, the more it drives you insane? But then, after a while, you start humming it everywhere you go. You know all the words. It’s on all your playlists.
And somehow, despite everything you thought before, it becomes your favorite song? ”
“Uh…”
“Mackenzie’s my song. And I have no idea what I’m going to do.”
Seth didn’t have a witty retort this time, just a look of sympathy. “You do what’s best for her,” he said. “You walk away.”
I didn’t answer. Instead, I stole Seth’s cup of punch and downed it, wishing for a moment that it was spiked.
I could still feel the heat from my last kiss with Mackenzie coursing through me, and I hoped the drink might wash the sensation away.
I knew I needed to let her go. But hearing it from Seth made it all too real.
I spent the rest of the party hanging out with my other teammates, making sure to talk to every player.
I knew I’d started this whole bonding thing to give us a shot at turning this season around.
But I also really liked the guys I played with, and the more I got to know them, the more I wanted to spend time with them outside of practice.
Friendship had never really entered the equation for me when it came to hockey, but I had to admit, it wasn’t the worst thing.
When the party started to die down, and people began to go their separate ways, I walked to my truck with Seth.
Mackenzie, Jaz, and Owen were just behind us.
It was the closest I’d been to Mackenzie since we kissed.
I’d been avoiding her. And she’d done the same to me.
But a quiet ache settled in my chest at the thought of letting her leave without saying goodbye.
Before we reached my truck, I handed Seth my keys. “I’ll be right back.”
Seth glanced over his shoulder at Mackenzie. “Be good,” he warned.
I turned and jogged back toward her before I could think better of it. “Hey, Mackenzie, got a sec?”
She hesitated a moment before sharing a look with Jaz.
“I’ll meet you at the car,” Jaz said, as if she knew exactly what Mackenzie was thinking. Owen gave me an encouraging smile before he followed his sister further up the path.
“Can I give you a ride home?” I asked, when Mackenzie turned to face me. Maybe I wasn’t going to behave after all.
But she shook her head. “Thanks, but I’m staying at Jaz’s house tonight.”
“Ah, of course.” It was probably for the best. I really wanted to do the right thing by her—no matter how hard it might be.
“Was that what you wanted to talk about, or…” Mackenzie’s voice drifted off.
Before I could reconsider, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the friendship bracelet I’d made. I weighed it in my hand a moment, desperately not wanting to give it to her but knowing that I should.
With a sigh I held it out to her. “I made this for you.”
She frowned. “Is that a friendship bracelet?”
“Yeah. I said I was going to make you one.”
She hesitated. She knew exactly what this meant. It was my acceptance of the fact we could only be friends. “You’ve had this with you all night?”
“I’ve had it with me for days.”
Sadness flickered across her face. But then she reached out to take the bracelet, and my heart cracked at the edges.
“Thank you,” she murmured, turning it over in her hands. She gave me a sad smile as she peered up at me. “Why’d you go with the green beads?”
“It’s my favorite color.” Never more so than right now, as I stared into her eyes.
“And the letters? What does RWYA stand for?”
“They were out of P’s, 4’s, and M’s.”
“Seriously, Parker.”
“It means ready when you are.”
“Ready when I am?” Her voice was barely louder than a whisper.
“I know being with me could mess with our places on the hockey team. But I also know that a few obstacles have never scared me before.”
I drew in a deep breath before I continued, “I would sneak around with you, if you wanted. I would shout about us from the rooftops, if you asked. But you deserve to be with someone who isn’t some secret.
And you shouldn’t have to worry about your place on the team.
Our timing is terrible. But I refuse to discount tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that.
Even if it’s months from now, or years, I’m ready when you are.
Just give me that bracelet back, and I’m happy to say to hell with everything else. ”
Her eyes glistened and she stared down at the bracelet. But then she ever so slowly slid it onto her wrist. It was the right decision, but it felt like a punch to the gut.
“See you for training Monday morning?” she said.
“Yeah, I’ll see you then.”
I’d really thought it wouldn’t be too hard to give her the bracelet. That once she had it, I could simply move on. But there was a hollowness inside me that hadn’t been there earlier tonight.
As I watched her walk away with the bracelet, I felt something else leaving me. A sense of hope. Of excitement for what might be possible. Everything about this was tough, but I thought that might be the hardest part.