Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
CHASE
G enie’s Country Western Bar was as good a place as any to meet up with a friend for a burger and a drink. Living out in the country, I didn’t mind coming to town. The farm wasn’t a lonely place in the daytime. But, at night, I was just alone.
Sure, if I wanted to, I could always head down to Cody’s trailer for a beer. But Cody often had company, and by “company,” I meant a different woman every week. Even if he was alone, the problems of a thirty-four-year-old man were different from those of a twenty-two-year-old. Craving companionship was how I ended up at Genie’s that night with Forrest.
“How’s Cody working out?” Forrest knew how Cody had stepped into my farm duties now that I was working the case. It was the off-season for the orchards, but it was still a lot of work. The trees needed grooming; the grounds needed keeping; equipment needed repair. Cody was happy for the extra money and I was happy for the help.
“You know? It’s working out all right. Makes me think I might actually be able to take a vacation one of these days.”
Forrest shook his head. “Man, you work too hard.”
“Most days, it doesn’t feel like work. Not that I wouldn’t mind some time on a beach in the Caribbean. But after a week, I’d be itching to come back.”
Forrest gave me an assessing look. “I think your momma was right about you. She always said you’d end up a farmer. Said you had it in your blood.”
“I like it better than I thought I would.”
I would never cop to it in front of my mom, but I could admit this to Forrest. In my twenties, I’d sought adventure—something different from what I’d always known—and in the fire service, I’d found it. Now that I’d seen how much more there was to life, how much a man could have and how much he could lose, I could no longer take the life I’d been born into for granted.
“Maybe once this is all over, you can finally…”
Forrest trailed off and I raised an eyebrow. He could only be talking about the investigation, and the case.
“Be happy? Move on?” I finished his sentence for him.
“Find some peace, for starters. Forgive yourself for losing him under your command. Give yourself some credit for everything you do for Violet and those kids. The best you can do with shit like this is let it teach you how you want to live your life.”
“Knowing how I want to live isn’t the problem.” I let loose a thought I would’ve kept to myself if gin hadn’t loosened my filter. It wasn’t as good as the small batches of the spirits I distilled on the farm, but it would do.
“What is the problem?”
I briefly considered brushing off the question or feeding him a line. But a deadly combination of self-pity and despair had me bursting with it.
“Violet’s leaving the farm.”
Forrest frowned like he didn’t believe it. “To go where?”
“She wants to start her own thing,” I explained miserably. “Even though what she started on my farm is her thing. I can’t tell you how I’m gonna do any of it without her. She’s the heart of Noble Farms.”
Words I’d never said out loud couldn’t have rung truer. She’d done more than just start an events business. She’d gotten us into farmer’s markets, started the supper club, and created a program for school children to tour. She’d taken us from being an anonymous wholesaler to a part of the community. She’d given the farm life. And she’d given a hell of a lot more to me. Last night at the pumpkin patch had scared me to death. Because how could I know if something was wrong with her if I couldn’t see her? How could I be there for her if I literally wasn’t there?
“So ask her to stay.”
I looked at Forrest like he’d lost his senses. “Do you honestly think I haven’t tried? I practically begged once she told me. Gave her a raise which, by the way, she fully deserved. Hell, I’d offer her the deed to the farm if I thought she would take it. But Jules told me to stop trying. And you’ve met Violet. She’s as stubborn as they come.”
“It’s not like you’ll never see her again. Y’all are together all the time.”
“Not if we’re not working together. Not if I’m not watching her kids on Saturday while she’s in class. She graduates this semester, which means she won’t be needing me anymore on Saturdays. That leaves me one night. One single night a week. And you know how that shit goes. It could dwindle to nothing, just like that.”
I’d done the math. With everything else out of the equation, that left me girls’ night in—the only day of the week I was guaranteed to see Violet. And what if even that changed? What real standing did I have in Violet’s life? What if I was reduced to the guy who gave her a leg up when she needed it? I knew we were more than that, but I was also realistic. There was no way not working together every day wouldn’t jeopardize our relationship. Out of sight, out of mind and all.
“This doesn’t seem like it’s about the farm.”
“What?” I was busy spiraling in my own thoughts.
“You said the problem was that Violet was leaving the farm.”
“That is the problem.”
Or at least half of it.
“And I’m saying it doesn’t seem like that’s the problem. You can get a team of people to run things. Sounds to me like you don’t like the idea of Violet leaving you .”
There was no point in denying what Forrest was already figuring out. And I didn’t have the energy tonight. The whole thing had me restless and out of sorts.
“Maybe I don’t.”
I braced myself for his judgment, but something about him was kind. “You got something you need to tell me about you and Violet?”
The second he asked, I knew he knew.
“I’m in love with her.”
He quieted and there was nothing more to do than sit with it—the shame and the awful truth.
“You really think you’re losing her?” Forrest asked before long.
I sighed into my drink. “It’s complicated.”
Forrest quieted again. I couldn’t imagine what he was thinking. I didn’t know that I wanted to know.
“I have thoughts on the matter,” Forrest finally said. “But I’ll save them for the appropriate time and venue. In the meantime, clear your calendar on Wednesday. You’re coming with me to secret poker night.”
The Secret Poker Society of the Green Valley Fire Department was not as cloak and dagger as it sounded, though its location in the basement of the county sheriff’s office had panache. Deep in the bowels of the basement sat a round table in a small room with rack after rack of stacked boxes. Rumor had it, it was deep storage for evidence lockers dating back thirty years.
Despite the secret nature of the location, I entered without ceremony, following Forrest’s instructions to a T. The front office was dark, but the door was unlocked; a single deputy sat at the front desk, seeing by lamplight that couldn’t be detected from the street. He nodded cordially when I came in, then gave directions for where I could find the back stairs and wend my way down labyrinthine halls to find the secret room.
“Chase!” A chorus of enthusiastic voices met me as I entered. I’d been looking forward to seeing the guys. Jed Lawson and Sebastian Kirkwood were still firefighters with Green Valley. Captain Grizz Grady was about to be promoted to chief. Forrest had brought some of the newer guys—Lieutenant Buck Rogers and firefighter Dan Means, around the farm.
Even though I’d left the agency, a lot of guys were regulars at The Noble Pig. Any firefighter could come to my table any night and I could always accommodate more. That had been one of the silver linings of opening the place. It helped me stay connected and reminded me just how much I loved these guys.
“I come bearing appetizers,” I announced after hugs were shared all around. I knew better than to not show up with food. Before culinary school, I’d loved cooking for the guys at the house. I’d ended up at the National Forestry Service but I’d started at Green Valley Fire. Not knowing about secret poker night was proof of all I’d missed.
“So I’ve gotta ask the question,” I started once we were seated at the poker table—after we’d spent a solid twenty minutes eating and catching up. We had drinks in front of us now and Grizz looked ready to deal. “Why a secret poker night at the sheriff’s office? It’s just poker. Why not play down at the firehouse, in the open?”
“Open play is for Tuesdays,” Grizz explained. “One Wednesday a month, we need time away from the women . That’s why secret poker exists.”
“Since when do women come to poker night?” That definitely hadn’t been a thing when I’d been with Green Valley Fire.
“Since Forrest invited Sierra.”
“Sierra comes to poker night?” I was incredulous.
“Sierra’s a total shark,” Grizz said a bit sourly. He didn’t like to lose. I was surprised they were even letting him deal. Everyone and their momma knew Grizz cheated.
Forrest looked at me levelly. “To not invite women from our agencies in Tuesday night poker would be sexist.”
I looked around the table. “And this right here isn’t sexist?”
Buck responded, “Oh, it definitely is. But we don’t do it to be exclusionary.”
“We do it in service of the brotherhood,” Forrest added. “Creating space for men to help each other with their woman troubles. Men such as yourself.”
That comment garnered everybody’s attention. It reminded me of my desperation, and my fear. Maybe admitting to a room full of firefighters that I was in love with my fallen buddy’s wife was a bad idea. Maybe in spite of Forrest’s pep talk, my first instinct—to stay away from Violet—had been right. Suddenly, it seemed very possible that I could take heat for loving her. Maybe if I did, it was nothing less than I deserved.
“So what’s going on?” Grizz asked bluntly. Usually, he was all smiles, but when something was up, he was all business.
“There’s a woman I’ve known for a while, and she’s—” How could I describe her? “She’s fucking beautiful. I mean, everything about her is magic. She’s sweet, and smart, and every single thing she touches, she makes it glow. These past few years, life’s thrown her a big, hot steaming pile of shit and she’s managed to keep her head up.”
“You’re in love with her,” Grizz concluded. “So what the hell’s the problem? She doesn’t feel the same way? Or—let me guess—you’re too scared to tell her how you feel?”
“Stop interrogating the man,” Forrest scolded, then turned to me.
“Don’t let him intimidate you, brother. This is a safe space.”
I nodded and decided to answer Grizz’s questions in order. No sense in delaying the inevitable.
“Yes—I’m in love with her. But I’m not supposed to be. It doesn’t matter if she feels the same way. And I can’t tell her how I feel. That would break the only rule.”
“What’s the only rule?” Jed wanted to know.
“To keep things between me and her platonic.”
Grizz seemed offended. “Why would you make a rule like that with any woman?”
“What is she? Your stepsister or something?” Buck asked.
“He doesn’t have a sister,” at least three guys chimed in.
“Your cousin?” That was Grizz.
Forrest shot him another reprimanding look. “ Safe space ,” he warned again.
“Naw, man. It’s nobody in my family.” I braced myself to just say it out loud. This guessing game was stupid. I squeezed my eyes shut. “It’s Violet. Violet LaRue.”
The room went deadly silent. Seconds passed and I knew I had to face their reactions. I pried my eyes open and was not surprised to find incredulous faces staring back. The expressions of the men who had known me a while sported predicted looks of horror. Then, they did the last thing in the world I ever expected—they laughed.
It wasn’t nervous laughter or “you must be joking” laughter—this laughter was mocking and raucous, as if I’d just said the funniest thing any of them had ever heard.
“Quit it, you shitheads.” Forrest’s admonishment was the third of the night. He said it at the same time I asked, “Why the hell are y’all laughing?”
“Chase.” Grizz cackled through sweeping breaths. “You’ve been in love with Violet for damn near ten years. You were in love with her while Todd was dating her and everybody knew it. Hell, you were in love with that woman before they even met.”
“Nine years,” I grumbled miserably, still not seeing how any of this was funny. “Me having feelings for her for so long makes it even less of a joke. And it’s even worse given the way it all turned out. So if any of y’all have had the grave misfortune to be in love with your best friend’s widow, you let me know what I ought to do.”
Referencing Todd’s demise finally led to quiet.
“Honestly, man?” Jed spoke for the first time. “You need to tell her how you feel. And tell her the truth—that it ain’t even about Todd. Tell her how you saw her for who she was from the beginning.”
“You think—” I could hardly speak the words out loud. “You think it’s okay for us to date?”
“It’s not like you’re just trying to hook up with her.” Sebastian put down his beer. “You’re in love with her—now that’s another level.”
“One question…” Buck began haltingly. He looked a little young to be giving love advice. I knew he was married, but still. “If you’ve been in love with her for nine years and said nothing, why would you tell her now?”
I swallowed thickly. “Because I think I’m losing her.”
“How does she feel about you?” Grizz wanted to know.
I’d never said this aloud. “The way she looks at me sometimes, I think she might feel something, too.”
“Y’all should’ve seen them a few days ago at the farm. It all seemed rather…domestic,” Forrest chimed in.
The room quieted for a long moment. All poker activity had stopped as every man in the room paused to think.
“I know a few things about loving a woman who wishes she didn’t love you back.” Buck was the next one to speak. “I had it bad for Loretta, but she thought I was too young.”
“Sierra straight-up hated me at first,” Forrest admitted. “It took me a long time to get into her good graces. Once I did, she spent weeks trying to resist my charm. Point is, strong women don’t like to admit defeat.”
“Sounds to me like she likes you back,” Jed offered. “So make it easy for her to come to you. Give her the one thing she thinks she doesn’t have—permission.”
“There’s this guy she’s dating.” I began to voice my other worry. “He’s nothing like me. Honestly, neither was Todd. Sometimes I just don’t think that I’m her type. Both of them are kind of big talkers, you know? Real in your face about who they are. Sometimes, I think Violet doesn’t see me as a man.”
My comment was met with furrowed brows and confused blinks. Grizz looked scandalized. “You’re a firefighter. That makes you a beacon of masculinity.”
But I wasn’t so sure.
“Most of the time when she sees me, I’m wearing an apron in her kitchen cooking dinner, or decorating cupcakes for the bake sale, or letting her kids dress me up; hell, every Thursday night I go to her house for girls’ night in. Half the time, I’m driving her minivan. Meanwhile, the guy she’s dating drives a Hummer.”
“ That guy’s compensating for something,” someone muttered under their breath.
“Thank you.” I felt validated. “At least we know what that means; meanwhile, she’s falling for it. Trust me, I’ve got his number. He doesn’t even come close to deserving her. But—right now—the truth is, he’s winning.”
Heads nodded all around in understanding, but I was still on a roll.
“Y’all heard of a show called Man Enough ?”
“Are you kidding?” Sebastian looked offended. “It’s on upstairs in the firehouse every Thursday night.”
“You wanna know who Violet favors to win?” His name in my mouth gave me a nasty taste. “Eric.”
“ That guy?” someone said while others shook their heads.
“That guy,” I confirmed. “Guys like Eric and Rod are my competition. And, yes, she’s dating a guy named Rod.”
Grizz looked at me disgustedly, shaking his head in a way that proved he finally appreciated my dilemma. Then he turned to the other guys.
“We’ve got to help out our brother.” He slapped down his deck of cards. “And there’s only one thing we can do.” He turned back to me then. “We’re gonna get you out of that friendzone.”