Chapter 35
We found the family assembled in the dining room. Usually, both Royal and Tenn were long gone at this hour. I didn’t see Royal, Daisy, or Avery—Royal would have braved the roads to get Daisy to Sweetheart Bakery, and Avery would have hitched a ride, wanting to check on her brewery. But Tenn was still working his way through a pile of pancakes beside Scarlett, August, Thatcher, and Nicky.
Griffen and Hope were at the head of the table, Hope holding baby Stella, with Parker and Nash beside her. Aunt Ophelia and Nash’s mother, Claudia, were probably still in bed, but Sterling was there, sipping her coffee with an empty plate in front of her.
Clearly, we weren’t the only ones for whom the weather had turned everything upside down. “No school?” Hawk asked, setting me on my feet.
“No school!” Nicky and August shouted. Teenage Thatcher didn”t join them in their cheer, but a smug smile curved his mouth.
Scarlett shook her head at the kids. “The roads are still icy everywhere, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to warm up any time soon, so they canceled school.”
Tenn leaned back, sliding his arm around Scarlett”s shoulders, and said, “Royal managed to make it in with Daisy and Avery, but they all may end up staying with Daisy’s Grams tonight if the roads don’t improve.” He gave us a long look, studying Hawk’s arm around my waist. “What brings you two here so early?”
“Heat went out in the middle of the night,” Hawk said, his eyes moving from Tenn to Griffen. “A pipe under the kitchen sink burst. The whole first floor flooded.” Hawk looked to Parker. “Looks like you”re up. I don’t think this will be a quick fix.”
A gleeful grin spread across Parker’s face and she clapped her hands. “Finally! Once Quinn moved in, I figured I”d never get you two out of there long enough to get any real work done.”
“I think there”s a lot of damage,” I said, my chest aching with the wrongness of it all. I wanted to be happy for Parker. I loved seeing her smile like that, but all I wanted was to go back to how things were yesterday. I wanted to go home, but home was soaking wet and slowly freezing.
Not knowing I had reason to be upset, Parker just shrugged. “It needed a new floor and a new kitchen anyway. I’ll go over a little later and check it out, talk to Billy Bob and the plumbers to see where we need to start.”
Nash nudged Parker’s side with an affectionate smile. “I’ve never seen anybody so happy to hear about a burst pipe and extensive water damage.”
Parker laughed and rubbed her hands together. “I have a whole notebook of plans for the gatehouse. Detailed plans. Half of the stuff has been ordered and is sitting in storage, waiting.”
Hawk snorted in amusement at this, and I smiled out of habit, but my mind was elsewhere. I didn’t want to be in the Manor any longer than I had to, and that was just fucking depressing.
Oblivious, Parker went on. “We’ll need to talk colors and furniture, but you two can just move into Quinn’s room and I’ll get started.”
I didn”t hear anything after that. I saw Parker”s mouth moving and felt Hawk”s arm tighten around my waist, but everything inside me went numb.
No, no, no, no, no.
I didn”t realize I was saying it out loud. Hawk”s arm tightened even more, and he gave me a little shake, turning me to face him. “Quinn. Quinn.”
I snapped out of it and stared up at him, my lips pressed together tightly so another sound wouldn’t escape. I caught a low whimper and realized it was me.
“Quinn,” Hawk repeated, “it’s okay.”
“Hawk,” I whispered, ignoring the curious eyes in the room, focused only on him. “I can’t.” My chest was tight, and I couldn’t think.
Since the day I”d had to move back to Heartstone, I”d been dealing with this, dreading being in my room and doing anything I could to be anywhere else. But now— I didn’t know if it was being attacked in the woods or knowing someone was out there waiting for another chance at me, watching me. Or maybe it was finally talking about the past with Hawk, or Hawk going to see Ford. Maybe it was falling in love with Hawk, being vulnerable and open with him in a way I hadn’t been with anyone else. Or it was that all of it was happening at the same time. Whatever it was, lately I’d tilted straight from handling it into no fucking way, and I had no idea how to tilt myself back.
All of a sudden, it was too much. I wasn’t going in that room. I couldn’t let the past taint me and this new life I was living.
“Hawk, what”s the problem?” Griffen asked from across the room.
Hawk pulled me in close, whispering, “We”ll figure this out, Quinn. I promise.”
I felt my body shaking against him. I fucking hated every second of this. I wasn’t weak. I didn’t want my family to see, to know, but— I shook harder, the pressure of their eyes too much. I couldn’t?—
“Quinn can’t stay in her room,” Hawk said flatly.
I heard Scarlett cut in, saying in a soft voice, “Boys, you done with breakfast?” A pause I imagined was filled with nods. “Why don”t you three leave the table and go get into some trouble? And Thatcher? Please ask Savannah to come up. I think we need her organizational skills.” Chairs pushed back from the table.
I lifted my head to look at Griffen. I was a grown woman. I didn’t need Hawk to speak for me. My voice tight, I forced out the words. “I can’t, Griffen. I won’t stay there. We”ll go stay at the inn for two weeks, and when my two weeks is up?—”
“No,” Hawk said. “That’s not an option.”
I pulled back enough to look up at him. “Why not? I haven”t used any of my days for the will. Why can’t we just?—”
“It”s not secure,” Griffen said, answering for Hawk. “Just because there hasn’t been a direct attack in the last few weeks doesn”t mean you”re out of danger, and it”s impossible to secure the inn as well as we can the Manor. It”s not safe.”
I bit my lip hard to keep myself from shouting out my frustration. Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried to tell myself I was okay. Everything was okay. I could handle this.
I could tell myself that all day, but my brain and my body weren’t buying it. My heart was racing. I could feel myself shaking, and I thought I was about to throw up. Everyone in the dining room was quiet. So quiet. And I knew they didn”t understand. No one understood. They probably thought I was crazy.
I raised my eyes a fraction and looked across the table to see Sterling, her gaze heavy with pain. Her eyes flicked to Parker”s and then back to mine. “Quinn,” she breathed, her voice barely audible, “it was him, wasn’t it? Dad”s creepy friend.” A tear welled and dripped over her eyelid to streak down her cheek. “Is that why? Did he?—?”
I shook my head violently, squeezing my eyes shut. I couldn’t bear the agony on her face, her tears. None of this was Sterling”s fault. She”d been a child. More of a child than me.
“What are you two talking about?” Tenn asked, his voice gruff.
Parker answered, her words coming slowly as if she was reluctant to speak them aloud. “Dad had a friend. A business partner. He would come to stay here. And he had—” She stopped, searching for words. “He had an interest in Quinn. There was talk of him marrying her when she was of age, but I didn’t think it was serious. I didn’t think?—”
I couldn’t stand the desperate expression in her eyes, the guilt on her face. I shook my head, but she kept going.
“Quinn?” Parker said, my name a plea. “You never said— I didn”t know. How didn’t I know?” Nash reached out to take her hand, and I looked away.
I wanted to run. I wanted to rip myself out of Hawk’s arms and just fucking run until I couldn’t run anymore. It happened. I survived. I didn”t want to fucking revisit it. I didn”t want to explain it to anybody. I didn”t want to talk about my fucking feelings. My frightened, bitter, repulsive feelings. I just wanted it to fucking go away. Why couldn’t it just go away?
“Quinn?” Griffen prompted, his green eyes shattered.
Of all things, I couldn’t stand the fear I saw in his eyes. I knew what he must be imagining. It had been bad, but it could have been worse, and I couldn’t let my family imagine things that hadn’t happened. Squeezing my eyes shut tight, I lifted a hand and brushed away my tears, straightening and stepping the smallest bit away from Hawk. I needed to stand on my own two feet for this.
“He would come into my room at night,” I said, my eyes on Griffen because I couldn’t bear to look at anyone else. I paused, trying to gather my thoughts. I needed to tell them, but saying the words out loud was torturous. I didn’t want them to see me differently, to see me as a victim, but I was so fucking tired of letting the past control me, no matter how impossible it felt to break free.
I kept going, my words coming in hesitant jerks, tangling in my mouth as I told them about the man in the dark. I couldn’t reassure them fast enough. I just wanted everyone to stop looking at me with those guilty, pitying faces.
“I”m fine,” I said again, loud enough to fill the thick silence. “I”m fine now. I’m past it,” I said, “but I”m not sleeping in that room.”