Chapter 24 #2
The Elders had said it was in her nature to submit to me, and my wolf had preened at the idea of the ceremony, of claiming our mate for all to see.
For the first time in years, he’d felt calm.
When she was chained, when she was kneeling, when she was eating out of my hand, he was happy and I wasn’t suffering.
It felt right to do those things ? my mad wolf, blurring the lines between right and wrong, between truth and lies, making enemies of my family and friends of the men that would have had my sister whipped for daring to look beyond the homestead for her dreams.
It was selfish to alleviate my own discomfort at the expense of others, and as a leader I didn’t get to be selfish. That was my fuck up. That was on me.
My gut twisted with conflict.
How could I choose? Between her and them?
My family wanted me to take my time and let the chips fall where they may but they didn’t know, they didn’t understand what it was to live with my wolf clawing at me every single second.
They hadn’t spent a decade alone, their soul split and empty. There was no time left.
I’d chosen the option that kept everyone alive. Angry, but alive. My father had told me during one of his many lessons that being a leader meant making hard choices. That’s what I had done.
The consequence of those choices was that Iona had chosen to die rather than be with me.
I looked into the future, seeing the long years ahead of living with a broken Luna at my side the way that every Alpha mated to a human had done.
Was it worth it? To keep myself alive? My family?
The alternative was to set her free and give myself and my family up to the Gulfs.
I’d told her Carson wouldn’t spare her but I could give her a chance.
I just wanted everyone I loved to be safe. Alive and safe. But prioritising my family had cost me Iona.
I stared down at the river, realising then that I didn’t get to have both and if I had to choose, between her life and theirs, she was going to win.
“Brother…”
Konnor’s voice jolted me out of my thoughts and suddenly the world came speeding back to me. The water rushed below, the air cool on my skin, skin so much warmer than a human’s. I tried not to think of Iona’s skin, how cold she must be right now.
Konnor backed up a step. I was shaking, teeth clenched. Quickly I calmed myself, breathing as I thought of her.
“I’m still here.”
“For how long?” His voice was low, so as not to spook my wolf.
“Not long enough.”
Without her, I’d last a few more days if I was lucky. With her at my side but still unmated, maybe I had a few weeks. It wasn’t enough time to bring her around to me.
I could find her today, hold the ceremony tomorrow, and be one with my wolf again.
But Kallum’s words wouldn’t leave me alone.
He’d been so against it that he’d been willing to die rather than let me go through with it.
And Iona, that look in her eyes as she’d fallen…
I didn’t want to see that look ever again.
That look gave me no choice. My wolf snarled, furious with my thoughts, but for once, I wouldn’t let him act for me.
“I love you.” My words caught on the spring breeze and I looked at my brother, his eyes wide with surprise. “I know I don’t say that enough?—”
“Then don’t say it now. This isn’t goodbye, you idiot,” he snorted. “You aren’t dying.”
“I think I am.” I swallowed and turned to face him fully, forcing him to look at me.
“Soon, I’ll have to shift again, and when I do, I don’t know that I’ll be able to shift back.
So just in case, I need you to know I love you.
” I felt stupid and I know he did too but I needed to say it.
He nodded, awkward. “Brother, I need to order you to do something and you aren’t going to like it, but I need you to listen to?—”
“I won’t kill you.”
I almost chuckled, I should have known he would read my mind. “Kon, if I get lost again, I need you to end it.”
He shook his head, brushing me off. “I can’t take on your wolf and you know it.”
“You can try.” I lifted my chin, needing him to listen to me. “You and the others…six of you together you might manage it.”
“Stop it. I’m not going to?—”
“This is an order.” I straightened, letting my power flow over him.
He whined a little, enough for his wolf to tell me he wasn’t challenging me.
“My left side was injured during the battle.” I ran a hand over the barely healed skin where Carson had cut me open.
“Attack me there. Tell the others to go after my limbs. Break them, and then you break my neck like you did before. Once I’m down, take my throat out. ”
His jaw was clenched as he looked at the ground. This wasn’t an order an Alpha or brother should ever have to give, but he was strong. He could handle this. I rested a hand on his shoulder. If this was the last conversation we ever had, I was going to make sure I did it right.
“You have to do this for me. Don’t let me hurt anyone. Don’t leave me in there.”
He gave me a barely perceptible nod.
“Look at me when you speak to me.”
He tilted his chin, swallowing. “I’ll do as you ask.”
I nodded and released him. “Thank you.”
“I thought about doing it while you were out, you know,” he admitted. “I thought you were gone because…” He trailed off, unable to finish his sentence.
“Because I should be?”
“Yeah.” He nodded. “I’ve heard of others coming back from their wolves but they were all early on in the madness. You aren’t early on. You’re on borrowed time.”
“I guess I have really good motivation.”
“You think that’s it?”
“Maybe it is. Maybe I’m stronger. Maybe I’m just lucky. I don’t know, and right now, I don’t care.” I stared down the river where it wound like a snake through the trees and out of sight.
Where were Siobhan and the others? They were taking too long to get here.
“What’s it like? Being lost?” Konnor’s eyes were careful, watchful.
“Nothing. It’s just endless nothing.” I gritted my teeth, trying not to shudder at the memory of floating, sightless and soundless in that empty space. “You don’t need to worry about it.”
“Don’t I?” He cocked his head. “You’ve found your mate.
I haven’t found mine yet and I won’t last as long as you.
” My brother, usually the joker, for once looked afraid, a serious line between his brows I wasn’t used to seeing there.
Was this the beginning for him? I wondered how he’d go.
Depressed like Kallum? Cold like me? Or lost in a violent rage like others I knew?
He straightened his shoulders, shirking the worry away.
“But fuck that for another day. Today, we’ll find her and when we get home?—”
“If I get home, we need to have a conversation. Me, you, all of us with a target on our back if Alpha Carson takes over.”
“About what?”
I paused, holding the weight of my next words before I released them. “About letting Iona go.”
He stared at me, eyes round with shock. “You’re joking.”
“I’m not. We find her and once she’s well enough to travel, we get her out.”
His mouth opened and closed as he spluttered. “What about the High Council? It’s illegal to let a human go free if they have knowledge of us. They’ll kill her if you don’t keep her here. What about the Gulfs? Do you think they’ll just?—”
“The Gulfs and the High Council will want her dead. Maybe they’ll send warriors after her, but if we can get her out of the country she might have a chance. It’s better than nothing.”
“And us?” The pain in his question wasn’t lost on me. It was a simple trade. Our lives in exchange for her getting a shot at her freedom.