Chapter 29 #2
Lexie brushed a strand of hair from her face and looked at her with a mix of curiosity and confusion.
"You don't know what you have?"
"It's a little complicated."
The journalist bit her lip, and when she realized Erin genuinely needed a friend right now, she wanted to show her she could be that.
"Is it you or her?"
The doctor took a moment to answer, but not because she didn't know.
"Me. She's very clear on what she wants."
"And you're not?" Lexie found that hard to believe, because she remembered very clearly what she'd seen the day before. She'd watched the kiss clip online several times already, and in her opinion, what happened wasn't something you could fake.
It didn't matter what Noah said, or whether they ended up denying the whole thing. To Lexie it was obvious—the way they'd looked at each other, and the way Erin had reacted when the singer stumbled, could only mean one thing.
The doctor rubbed her hands together, restless and furious with herself.
"Yes, I know what I want. What I don't know is whether I can handle it.
My time with her ends when the tour does—after that, everything changes.
Her job keeps her moving constantly, and mine ties me to New York.
I've never had anything serious with anyone, Lexie," she admitted, to the journalist's obvious surprise.
"So I have no way of knowing whether I can fit myself into something I've got nothing to compare it to.
And while my brain keeps spinning in circles trying to figure it out, I'm hurting her. "
"God, Erin, it does sound complicated when you put it that way," Lexie said, "but it's not how I'd think about it."
"How would you?"
"By quitting the future and thinking about right now. She means enough to you that you want something with her, right? Enough to make her the first person you actually want to go all-in with."
"Yes." That came fast, because she had no doubt about it.
"Then let yourself have it, and deal with things as they come.
Mia's career is tough on relationships, that's true, but if you both fight for this together, I'm sure you'll find a way.
I've dated a few women." She smiled. "Nothing that lasted forever, because being a music journalist means nonstop travel too, but I've been with enough women long enough to know a few things—and what I can tell you is that it won't work if she's the only one pulling.
It's not enough that you like her, Erin.
The spark at the beginning always burns out eventually, and you go from wanting to sleep together every day to wanting other things, and if you're not sure about this, once that first rush fades, the whole thing falls apart. "
"Damn, you don't pull any punches," the doctor said, impressed.
Lexie shrugged.
"That's what friends are for." She smiled.
"Seriously, though—worrying about what hasn't happened yet isn't going to help you.
Try this instead: instead of thinking about all that, think about how you'd feel if whatever you two have falls apart.
If the answer is that you'd be fine, you already have your answer.
And if you wouldn't be fine—then you'll know what you need to do. "
Erin looked up and waved at Noah and Jude, who had just walked into the bar and were standing at the counter.
"What do you think about age gaps? Did any of those women you dated have eleven years on you, or the other way around?"
Lexie's mouth dropped open, and then she burst out laughing.
"Don't tell me that's worrying you too."
Erin let out a short, dry laugh and shook her head.
"No. These past two weeks I've figured out that Mia is incredibly mature for her age and that she has more experience than me in a lot of ways."
"So then?"
"I don't know." Erin's frustration bled through, and Lexie laughed again before leaning forward.
"You're attractive, Dooley. You seem like a genuinely great woman, and you're good in bed.
None of that changes just because you get older—you'll just get a few more wrinkles.
" She winked, and Erin's mouth curved into a crooked smile.
"Besides, Mia is only ever into women who are significantly older than her—I don't know if you've noticed—so she's not going to leave you for someone younger. That much I can promise you."
Erin's mind went automatically to all the women she'd seen with Mia, and Lexie was right: every single one of them had been noticeably older, and the only one who'd seemed close to Mia's age—the stylist's assistant—was the one Mia hadn't taken to bed.
"How do you know that?"
The laughter faded from Lexie's expression, and Erin didn't need her to answer.
"Hey, it was a couple of times. Nothing serious. Same as you and me."
"It's okay," Erin said. "I get it. And I'm not going to get into whatever she did before me, or who she did it with. I'd never judge her for any of it."
And she meant it. She might feel uncertain about other things, but not about this.
She'd already made the mistake of judging Mia before she knew her, and she wasn't going to repeat it by judging the number of women who'd been in her bed—because the singer owned her life and was free to live it however she chose.
"Great. Then don't judge yourself for needing time to think right now, either.
It's a big decision—sit with it, and don't talk to her until you know what you want to do.
But when you do know, talk to her. Because I know what it's like to be in love with someone and waiting for them to make up their mind, and it's awful. "
"I can imagine."
"Good." The journalist glanced at her watch. "I should go. I'll see you tonight at the show."
"Yeah. Thanks, Lexie."
"Of course."
The journalist smiled at her before heading off, and Jude waved from the counter when he saw Erin was alone. She got up and walked over with her hands in her pockets.
"I've locked in one more date for the tour—it'll be the last one, but it means your time with us gets extended by a week.
Non-negotiable, Dooley," Jude said. "The date, I mean.
Violette is working on the contract extension, but if you have an issue with it, tell her and we'll find someone to cover you for that final show.
And since you're here, let's use the time to work out the logistics for tonight.
For security reasons, Mia's going to need to get to the venue earlier than usual, or we can't guarantee a clean entry without any incidents—"
Erin tuned out somewhere in the middle of Jude's stream of words, which managed to completely ignore Mia's need for rest while hiding behind whatever excuse was handy.