Chapter Eleven – Colt #2
“I’m not surprised because we worked it out. But I won’t lie and say that things between us weren’t…different after that. I did ask if he had deeper feelings than friendship for you, and he said no. But a small part of me always thought maybe he did, and that was why he was so angry with me.”
“Colt, I swear, Grady never once made it seem like he wanted anything more than friendship.”
“Maybe that was because he knew you didn’t want anything other than friendship.”
She chewed on her lower lip.
“Anyway, after about a year of us dating, things were pretty much back to normal between Grady and me. He seemed to be totally okay with our relationship, and I didn’t think twice about it again.
Then, a week before he took his own life, we were in the barn together.
He was bitching about our dad pressing him to get more involved with the business.
Grady didn’t share much about his dreams with me, but one thing I knew without a doubt was that he didn’t want to be a farrier. ”
Ensley nodded. “He didn’t. He wanted to be a pilot.”
I smiled. “He was taking flying lessons, but he didn’t know that I knew. My mom and dad didn’t know, but I did. For as long as I can remember he would tell me he was saving every dime he made hauling hay and whatever other ranch work he could pick up.”
“Did you know he wanted to be a pilot?”
Nodding, I replied, “Yeah. I did. When he was little, I think around five, he used to play with his planes and tell us about all the places he’d go once he grew up and could fly his own plane.
My father thought it was cute…for a few years.
But as Grady got older, I think Dad realized he actually might leave to pursue something else.
He pushed him harder than I think he should have to be a farrier.
Made Grady feel guilty for wanting something other than what our father wanted for him.
It was a constant argument between them—and between Dad and me.
I’d ask him to lay off, and he’d get angry with me.
He wanted Grady to follow in his footsteps, and I just wanted Grady to be happy.
I knew being a farrier would never make him happy. ”
“Grady never told me any of this. I never realized Jacob pressured him so much.”
I sighed. “I don’t think my father realized it, either.”
Ensley’s eyes filled with sadness. “Do you think that’s why he…”
Tears pricked the back of my eyes, and I had to really concentrate on keeping them at bay.
“I don’t… I don’t know for sure. It’s the one thing that will haunt me until the day I die. I can’t ever know exactly why he took his own life, but…”
We sat in silence for a few moments.
Then Ensley frowned. “That doesn’t explain why you left.”
I felt an instant headache coming on. I reached for my drink and downed half of it. When I set it on the table, I looked into her eyes.
“A couple days before he took his own life, I told him I was going to ask you to marry me. I showed him the ring, and because he was your best friend, I asked for his blessing.”
Ensley sat there, eyes blinking rapidly, but she didn’t say a word.
Clearing my throat, I went on. “He seemed happy for me…for us. He gave me his blessing and told me if I ever hurt you, he’d kill me, brother or not.”
The corner of her mouth twitched with a slight smile.
“Everything seemed fine. He seemed fine. He wasn’t upset or angry…I thought he was happy for us.”
Ensley reached across the table and took my hand. “Oh God, Colt. You don’t honestly believe he took his life because you were going to ask me to marry you?”
I looked up and felt a tear slip free. “I think my brother was secretly in love with you all those years, Ensley. And I think when I told him that I was going to marry you, he…”
My voice trailed off.
Now she took my other hand. “Listen to me, Colt—your brother did not kill himself because you were going to ask me to marry you. He didn’t love me in that way.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Because he was my best friend, other than you. I knew him better than anyone, and he wasn’t in love with me. He—”
I shook my head. “Ensley, a few days before he took his life, I told him I was going to ask you to marry me. Then I heard him and my father talking in the barn. More like fighting, actually. Grady told Dad he was going to leave for a few months and travel around. See places he’d always dreamed of seeing.
I didn’t see a problem with it, but Dad got angry, asked him why he couldn’t be more like me.
Said his place was working alongside me, taking over the business our father had built.
“Grady blew up and started yelling at our father. He told him he was sick of being compared to me, and if I was already everything Dad ever imagined in a perfect son, why couldn’t he just be happy with me taking over the business, marrying you, and leaving Grady alone to enjoy his life the way he wanted?
My father, of course, told him that he loved both of us the same, he just couldn’t understand why Grady wanted to leave so badly.
“I thought maybe he’d finally tell my father about the flying lessons, but he didn’t. Instead…he gave in and said he’d help with the family business. He was going to give up his dreams because he didn’t want to disappoint our father.”
“So how does that make you the reason he killed himself?”
“Because to this day, I think his sudden desire to leave and travel the world was because he couldn’t stand the idea of us getting married.
And after that fight with Dad, it was like I was taking everything away from him.
You, his freedom to travel, his ability to choose his own future. I couldn’t live with that, Ensley.
“I knew how much you needed me, and I knew my parents needed me after Grady’s death.
But knowing I’d most likely had something to do with him taking his own life…
I couldn’t stay. I had to leave. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of guilt.
Everywhere I looked, I saw him. And all that did was remind me about how my father constantly compared the two of us.
How I’d taken his best friend, and possibly the woman he loved, away from him.