Chapter Eleven – Colt #3
“I had to get my head straight. I also knew if you or my parents found out I might be the reason he’d committed suicide, you’d never forgive me.
So…I did the only thing I could think of at the time.
I left. I was so fucking lost and scared.
I was so angry, most days I thought I was losing my mind.
And I told myself I’d only be gone for a couple of months.
Just until I could figure out a way to tell you.
To tell my parents. But I was such a coward, Ensley.
Everything my brother thought I was…I was actually the opposite.
“I felt desperate to make some kind of amends. I decided I’d live the life Grady never got to live, minus flying the planes. At least until I could figure out how to tell you what happened.”
“Why couldn’t you just tell me you needed some time? I would have understood, Colt. You had just lost your brother.”
I shook my head. “Looking back now, of course I know that’s what I should have done…
but in that moment, I was grieving and guilt-ridden.
The emotions were so overwhelming that the only thing I could think of every day was, how can I run away far enough, fast enough?
How could I escape the memories and the knowledge that I was the reason my brother took his own life? ”
Tears filled her eyes. “Colt.”
I held up a hand. “Let me finish.”
She nodded.
“I gave myself three months, then I’d come back home and face the truth.
But three months turned into six. Six months turned into a year.
I kept waiting for all the feelings to ease.
For some kind of clarity. Instead, I just became…
numb. The grief and guilt overtook my life until literally nothing mattered anymore. I didn’t even care if I died.”
She sucked in a breath and covered her mouth with her hand.
“I couldn’t bring myself to come back home, so I just kept running. I convinced myself that I was worthless to you. That you’d be happier and better off without me. And honestly, I wasn’t sure if I could handle coming home. Seeing his room, knowing I was likely the cause of his death.”
Before Ensley could say anything, the waitress walked up with our food. She set it down, and I just stared at it, unable to endure even the smell. My stomach felt like I was about to lose my breakfast from hours earlier.
“Does everything look good? Anything else you need?” the waitress asked, a concerned expression on her face.
When I didn’t say anything, Ensley cleared her throat. “No, we’re good. Thank you.”
Pushing her sandwich to the side, Ensley stared at me. I was about to say something when she spoke first.
“You complete and utter ass. I cannot believe how stupid you are.”
I blinked a few times. “I’m sorry?”
“You arrogant son of a bitch. How dare you sit there and tell me you’re the reason Grady took his life!
You couldn’t live with yourself, so you left, not caring that the rest of us had to stay here with all the reminders and memories.
You don’t think that we might have felt guilty, as well?
Think about your father, arguing with Grady days before he took his life.
How about your mother, who kept telling herself she should have realized something was wrong.
All she said for months was that she was Grady’s mother, and she should have known.
“You didn’t stop to think that maybe I felt guilty?
He was my best friend. We told each other everything.
Everything! Do you have any idea of the guilt I’ve lived with that I had no idea he was suffering?
Then, on top of all of that, you casually mention you were going to ask me to marry you? You fucking…fucker!”
I sat in stunned silence as Ensley glared at me. I pushed my sandwich away, as well. I opened my mouth to say something, then closed it again.
“Do you see what I’m getting at, Colt? You’re not the only one who felt guilty.
Who felt grief. Who felt like you’d let Grady down.
Do I believe it had something to do with you telling him you were going to ask me to marry you?
No. You asked how I could be sure, and I said because I knew him better than anyone.
Then you didn’t let me finish. Colt—Grady was in love with someone. And it wasn’t me.”
My eyes widened. “Who was it?”
She leaned back against the booth and sighed. “His flying instructor. They’d talked about flying around the world together. She was a bit older than him, but he insisted they were in love.”
It was my turn to lean back against the booth. “What?”
Ensley nodded. “He was head over heels for her but terrified to tell your parents because she was twenty-seven.”
I slowly shook my head. “He never mentioned anything to me about that. If he was so in love, then why would he…” My words trailed into silence.
Ensley’s expression was filled with grief. “I’m sure that’s a question his instructor still asks herself every day.”
I scrubbed my hands down my face. “Holy fuck.”
“Do you see why talking is so important, Colt? God…if you’d just met me for breakfast that morning, I was going to tell you about that woman. I hadn’t been able to before because we were never alone long enough.”
I lifted my eyes and met her gaze. “I’m a fucking idiot.”
“Finally, we agree on something.”