Chapter Twelve – Ensley
Ensley
Anger. Frustration. Sadness.
All the emotions were tumbling around in my body so fast, I felt dizzy. The sadness I felt for the man sitting across from me was almost unbearable. He’d thought for ten long years that he was the reason his brother took his life.
Then, of course, there was the anger. I wanted to reach across the table and slap the shit out of him. How could he think I wouldn’t have understood his feelings? It was mind-boggling.
“Did you honestly not trust me enough to come to me with your concerns, Colt?”
He slowly shook his head. “I wasn’t myself, Pippa. It felt like the entire world was crashing down on me, and I was so scared.”
I knew he was right. The grief I’d felt at the time was almost unbearable, so I knew his had to be tenfold. Then, add in the fact that he thought it was his fault.
“You have no idea how much I would like to punch you right now. For ten years, you wasted your life running from a ghost for no reason. And I wasted ten years on a man who was nothing but a coward.”
“What do you mean, you wasted ten years?”
Leaning forward, I said, “I never stopped loving you, Colt. I couldn’t move on because of you.
I’ve wanted nothing more than to marry and have a family.
But every man I tried to move on with…I couldn’t.
And do you know why? Because he wasn’t you.
Even though I hate you, I still love you.
Now you tell me the reason you stayed away is misplaced guilt?
I could just…ugh! I could scream right now. ”
“I never stopped loving you either, Pip—”
Pointing at him, I said, “If you call me Pippa one more time, that will literally be the final straw and I will hit you.”
Colt closed his eyes. “I fucked up so much and hurt so many people.”
“You think?” I bit back.
When he opened his eyes, I tried not to let the sadness in them make me soft. Yes, a part of me understood how he must have felt, but the other part of me was just so furious.
“I’m so mad.” My voice cracked, and that pissed me off even more.
Colt slowly shook his head. “I’m sorry I hurt you, Ensley. I hope you know that at the time, I thought I was doing what was the best for everyone.”
“No, you thought it was the best for you, Colt. Let’s at least be honest about that.”
The waitress appeared and looked down at our plates. “Is something wrong with your food?”
Colt and I both looked at the untouched sandwiches.
“No, everything’s great. We were just in a deep conversation, that’s all,” I replied with a tight smile.
Her face visibly relaxed. “Oh, okay. Is there anything else you need?”
“No, thanks, we’re good,” I added.
Once she walked away, I looked back down at my sandwich. “I don’t think I can eat now.”
Colt wore a stricken expression. “His room hasn’t been touched in ten years.”
My eyes widened. “Grady’s?”
He nodded. “I don’t think my mother or father has even set foot inside. I walked in there last night, and it’s like a fucking shrine to him. The dust alone tells me no one has been in there in a very long time.”
My heart broke.
“Do you think I should talk to them about cleaning it out?”
I drew in a breath and exhaled. “I don’t know. I mean, it’s probably way past time, but I don’t know how your parents would feel about it.”
We sat in silence for a bit as Colt slowly spun his plate of food in a circle. “I wish I knew what to do. I can’t imagine what it must be like to lose your child. Then to have your other child just up and leave you. I’m such a fucking asshole.”
“I won’t argue with you on that.”
He didn’t look up, just kept staring at the plate. Despite my anger, I couldn’t stand to see him like this.
“Why don’t you stop by my parents’ place tonight. I’m having dinner with them, and maybe you can talk to them about it, get their take.”
His eyes darted up to meet mine. “You want me to have dinner with you and your parents?”
I pressed my lips together in a tight line. “Not really, but I do want to help you navigate this, and if that means sitting at my family dinner table with you, then I’ll suffer through it.”
The corner of his mouth twitched with a sad smile. “Shouldn’t you ask your parents first if I can join you?”
Pulling out my phone, I fired off a text to my mother. Within seconds, I got the reply.
Mom: Of course, Colt can join us for dinner. We’re having your favorite, tacos!
When I turned the phone so he could read the message, his grin was more genuine. “What time should I be there?”
My grin was a bit more wry. “Same time as always.”
“Six?”
Nodding, I turned and motioned for the waitress. Once she walked over, I asked, “May we please get to-go boxes? And he’ll take care of the check.”
He chuckled.
Smiling, she replied, “Yes, of course.”
Once she walked away, I focused back on Colt. “I’ll see you tonight.”
He reached for my hand as I started to slide out of the booth. “You don’t want your sandwich?”
“My appetite is gone. Throw it away or take it home with you.”
Colt let go of my hand. Before I walked away, I turned to face him. “Thank you for telling me why you left.”
He gave a slight nod.
Turning, I quickly made my way out of the café. I was laser-focused on my truck, parked just down from the restaurant. The moment I got in, I started it, drew in a few deep breaths, and closed my eyes.
“Hey, sis!”
I turned and looked over my shoulder to see Caden walking into the barn. “Hey, what are you doing over here?”
He faked a hurt expression. “I can’t come see my favorite sister?”
Laughing, I pointed the brush at him and said, “If Emeline hears you, you’ll be banned from this barn.”
“It’ll be our secret.”
Standing, I eyed my older brother and asked, “Why are you really here, Caden?”
He winked. “Straight to the point, like always. I was talking to Dad, and he mentioned you and Colt were having dinner with them tonight.”
“Wow,” I said, my brows raising. “News travels fast in the Wilde clan.”
Smiling, he said, “Always has, always will.”
“Colt is coming to dinner to talk to Mom and Dad to get their advice. He and I are not going together.”
Now his brows rose. “So, you haven’t patched things up?”
“No. But I’m not as angry with him as I was before. Well…actually, I am, but for a different reason now.”
“That’s good, right?”
I nodded and huffed a laugh. “I guess so.”
Caden leaned against a pole. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I’d gone back to brushing the horse, but I paused again.
Did I want to talk about it with someone?
“I’m not sure. I spent the last ten years thinking Colt left because he didn’t love me, and it turns out that isn’t the case.”
“He still loves you?”
I blew out a breath. “He says he does.”
“And do you still love him?”
Sighing, I said, “God, Caden. I feel like such a hypocrite for all the times I told you that you needed to move on from Rachel, and here I’ve been, stuck in the past and in love with a man I thought didn’t love me.”
He pushed off the pole and walked toward me. He picked up another brush and moved to the other side of the mare and started helping.
“You’re not going to get any judgment from me, Ensley.”
“I’m just so confused. A part of me doesn’t want to forgive him, but once he told me why he left, my heart broke for him. I’m still pissed because his excuse was just… I don’t know.”
“I’m sure it was a hard time for him. He’d just lost his brother to suicide. I imagine, just like you did, he blamed himself for not knowing anything was wrong.”
“That’s just it, though. He truly thought he was the one who’d caused Grady to take his own life. He told Grady he was going to ask me to marry him. In Colt’s mind, that sent Grady over the edge.”
Caden drew back in surprise. “What? Why would he think that?”
I told my brother the whole story, including what happened when Colt first told Grady he was going to ask me out, and how my friend had reacted.
I sighed. “It wasn’t because Grady was in love with me, that much I know.
But of course, Colt was convinced he was.
I get the impression he always had it in the back of his mind that Grady wanted to be more than friends.
It wasn’t true, Caden. He loved me like a sister, and I loved him like a brother. ”
“I know. He’d told me once himself he thought of you as the sister he never had.”
I smiled. “Well, the problem was, Grady never talked to Colt about anything. Colt had no idea Grady was in love with his flying instructor. He did know that Grady wanted to travel and that he was taking flying lessons, but that was it. Grady never told him he wanted to be a pilot.”
“Damn. Why do you think that is?”
I shrugged. “Maybe he was worried Colt would be upset with him. But I know Colt; he would’ve only wanted Grady to be happy.
If that meant leaving River Falls and finding his passion for flying, then Colt would have supported him a hundred percent.
Or maybe it was because of their dad.” When Caden gave me a look, I explained, “Unfortunately, I learned today that their dad used to compare them a bit. I think that could have made Grady feel inferior. As a result, maybe he wasn’t comfortable sharing things with Colt. ”
Caden didn’t speak for a few moments. Then he softly said, “I just don’t understand why he never left anything behind. At least something for his parents, to explain why.”
Sighing, I replied, “I know. Anyway, Colt told me he went into Grady’s room, and it hasn’t been touched since his death. He said it was like a shrine. There was dust on the furniture, and he’s not even sure if his mother or father have been in the room in the last ten years.”
Caden’s eyes widened in shock. “Holy cow.”
“He’s not sure if he should approach them about it. So I thought he could talk to Mom and Dad, try to get advice on what to do. I mean, how can any of them move on if they’re still hanging on so tightly?”
He nodded. “I agree. It was nice of you to invite him over for dinner, especially if you’re going to be there.”
I chewed on my lower lip. “I admit, I wanted an excuse to see him again. I keep going from wanting to punch his lights out to wanting to hold him in my arms. It’s really fucking frustrating.”
Caden chuckled. “I’m sure it is. Let me ask you something, Ensley.”
I was positive I had a worried expression on my face. “Am I going to like this question?”
He winked. “Probably not.”
I rolled my eyes. “Ask away.”
“Can you see yourself forgiving Colt? Possibly even trying to make a go of it again?”
I let Caden’s question sink in for a bit, truly thinking about it. “Can I be friends with him? Yes. I think that’s an easy answer. Would I be able to watch him move on with another woman?” I shook my head. “I honestly don’t think so.”
“Could you move on?”
“I’ve tried, and I haven’t been very successful so far. I was at the point where I was going to look into either adoption or in vitro.”
His brows shot up. “You’d do that alone?”
“All I’ve ever wanted was a baby. Ideally, I’d love to be married and start a family, but I feel like time is slipping through my fingers.”
Caden stared at me like I’d grown horns from my head before he finally said, “You’re only thirty, Ensley. You act like you’re on death’s door.”
“I know, I know. Emeline and Lilibeth have said the same thing to me. But seeing you and Emeline with your babies…it’s only made me want one of my own even more.
I love my career and don’t want to give it up, but I also want a family.
And ever since seeing Colt again, I realize that I want…
” My voice trailed off, and I dropped my forehead to the neck of the mare.
Caden moved around and took me into his arms. I fought to keep my tears at bay.
“You realized you want that family with Colt?”
I sniffled. “Yes.” Drawing back to look up at him, I asked, “Do you think that makes me a fool?”
“What? No! Listen, I get that the guy broke your heart, and I won’t lie and say the moment I saw him, I didn’t want to punch his lights out.
But I also see the way he looks at you, Ensley.
He still cares about you. Did he mess up by leaving the way he did?
Yes. But was he also young, scared, and grieving?
Absolutely. I think he made a mistake, and by the time he realized what he’d done, he probably didn’t know how to fix it.
If you ask me…I think you guys should try to start over.
Because I think you’re both just as much in love with each other now as you were when he left River Falls. ”
“Start over?”
“Yeah. Mom and Dad gave me great advice when it came to my relationship with Lilibeth. They told me to date her. At the time, I laughed, because she was already living with me and pregnant. But it turned out to be the best advice they ever gave me. Maybe that’s what you and Colt need to do.
Go slow. Date…get to know each other again and see where that takes you.
I’m not saying you have to forget what he did.
But maybe what you need to do to start healing yourself is to forgive.
And Colt needs to forgive himself, as well. ”
I stared at him for a long moment. “Jesus, what did you do with my brother Caden?”
He threw his head back and laughed. “Right? It’s like I’m this totally new person lately. Fatherhood changed me, I swear.”
I smiled as I stretched to kiss him on the cheek. “Finding your true love did, as well, I’m sure of it. It all looks good on you, Caden.”
Smiling, he replied, “It feels good.”
“Thank you for the advice.”
“Of course. I’m always here for you, sis. And if you do decide that Colt needs to learn a bit of a lesson, you know Gatlin and I are ready and waiting.”
It was my turn to laugh. “I’ll remember that.”
He drew me back into his arms and hugged me again. “I love you, Ensley.”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I held him a bit tighter. “I love you, too, Caden.”