Chapter Thirteen – Colt #2
It took everything I had not to laugh once again.
Instead, I carried the two plates into the dining room and set them down.
One in my spot, one in Ensley’s. We all sat and quickly fell into an easy conversation.
Ladd asked about my travels, and at first I thought it would bother Ensley to hear, but she soon started asking questions, as well.
“What made you end up in Canada?” Vivianne asked.
“The main reason is because Grady had always wanted to go. Once I visited Banff, I fell in love. It reminds me a lot of River Falls, so I’m sure that was part of the allure. I actually thought I’d head home after that trip, but I found work on a ranch, and time just sort of slipped by.”
Ladd and Vivianne both nodded, as Ensley focused on the meatball that had fallen out of her sub. She was cutting it into pieces with her fork.
“Well,” Ladd eventually said, “I’m pretty sure Ensley didn’t invite you over for old times’ sake.”
Ensley’s head popped up in surprise. “Dad!”
Ladd shrugged. “What? I’m just being honest.”
I smiled as I wiped the corners of my mouth. “No, you’re right. Ensley suggested I get your advice on something.”
Ladd and Vivianne both gave me their full attention.
“My mother and father haven’t touched Grady’s room.
And by that, I mean, it’s like a shrine.
Not a single thing is out of place, and I’m pretty sure they hardly ever go in the room.
If they do, it’s probably just to step inside and look around.
It seems like it hasn’t been dusted in months, if not years. ”
Vivianne set down her fork. “Have you talked to them about it?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know how to bring it up.”
“Do they talk about Grady at all?” Ladd asked.
“They did in the beginning, in our calls after I left, but they slowly stopped mentioning anything to do with him. Since I’ve been home, I brought him up once, hoping to talk to them about why I left, but my mother shut down the conversation before it could barely get started.”
“Maybe with your father’s heart attack and you recently coming home, it was a bit too much for her?” Ensley suggested.
Vivianne nodded. “I agree with Ensley, but I don’t think you should let it go.
It’s important to keep Grady’s memory alive, and the only way to do that is to talk about him.
If I were to hazard a guess…you left because you felt like you should have been able to stop your brother from doing what he did…
and maybe you even think you did something to cause it? ”
I sighed as I leaned back in my chair. “Yes, on both counts.”
“Son, I’m going to tell you what I told Ensley: no matter how much we love someone and think we know them, people harbor secrets.
We can’t always see when someone is suffering.
As much as we want to think we should have seen it, sometimes we simply cannot.
” Ladd held my gaze intently. “The only thing guilt can do to a person is eat them alive. You have to learn to let go, and a good place to start is your brother’s room.
Has anyone ever looked in the room for…anything he may have left behind? ”
“I did,” Ensley softly said. “I didn’t see anything, but I’ll admit that I didn’t open drawers and such. I figured if he’d left a note, it would be out in the open.”
Vivianne and Ladd both nodded.
All I could do was stare at my plate. My throat suddenly felt like it was closing up, and my tongue was dry and thick.
“If you’re looking for advice on how to talk to your parents about Grady’s room, first…what do you hope to do with his things?” Vivianne asked.
I glanced at Ensley, then back to her mother. “I think it should be packed up. If my parents want to keep his things, then I won’t argue with that, but I think the room needs…I think it needs…” My voice trailed off.
Ensley quickly picked up where I left off. “I think what Colt is trying to say is that in order for him and his parents to move on and deal with the loss of Grady, they need to deal with—and maybe let go of—his possessions.”
Ladd nodded. “I agree.”
“Colt,” Vivianne said, with a soft expression on her face. “Would you like it if Ladd and I were there with you when you speak to your parents?”
I thought about it for a moment, then shook my head. “Thank you, but I think it should be a private matter. I’m not sure how my mother will feel about me suggesting it, and if you were there, she might think I was bringing in reinforcements or ganging up on her.”
“What about me?” Ensley asked. “I could help you pack up Grady’s things.”
Surprised by her offer, I said, “You would do that?”
“Of course I would. If I’d known his room was still untouched, I would have offered to do it long ago. I guess I just assumed Lynn and Jacob had already done it.”
I nodded. “I’m not going to lie, I was pretty shocked to see his room untouched ten years later.
” Glancing at Ladd and Vivianne, I asked, “Do you think, as parents yourself, that I should even be addressing this with my parents? I mean, it is their house, and Grady was their son. Maybe they want the room to stay as it is.”
Vivianne, who was sitting across from me, stretched out her hand, and I took it.
She gently squeezed it as she spoke. “If no one is going into the room, then I can’t see how it would be a comfort to either of them.
But then again, maybe just knowing all of his things are still there is a comfort.
Or the simple fact of the matter is that they can’t bring themselves to pack it up.
Everyone grieves so differently, Colt. I honestly don’t know how I’d feel if it were one of my children. ”
She closed her eyes briefly, then opened them again.
“It has to be one of the worst kinds of pains. But I do think that you need to talk to them about it. If nothing else, it will open up dialogue about Grady. You shouldn’t feel as if you can’t talk about him.”
I closed my eyes and cursed. Another thing to add to the pile of shit I’d caused by leaving. “This is my fault. If I’d just stayed, or come back home sooner, I could have taken care of the room for them.”
“You have to stop blaming yourself for everything that’s happened since your brother’s death, Colt,” Ladd said.
“Sometimes in life, we do things we think are right at the time. It’s no good to anyone, especially you, to keep beating yourself up over something you couldn’t have controlled and decisions you can’t go back and change.
You also need to remember you were twenty-one years old when you lost your brother.
You were young, hurting and confused. You have to give yourself some grace.
” He glanced at Ensley. “We all need to offer grace in times like that.”
I felt a prickling sensation behind my eyes, and closed them. How was it that Grady had been gone for ten years, yet it suddenly felt as if it had happened only yesterday? All those years of me running and hiding, and for what? To leave behind everyone I ever loved and waste years without Ensley.
I suddenly felt exhausted. Maybe this was the reason I’d stayed away as long as I had. There were no answers, or at least none that I could think of, to help me figure all this shit out.
“Colt?”
Ensley’s voice caused me to open my eyes and meet her gaze. She was sitting next to her mother, with her father on her left, at the head of the table.
When my eyes met hers, she quickly stood. I wasn’t sure why until she walked around the table and stood next to me.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. My voice sounded utterly defeated.
Reaching out, she gently swept her thumb across my cheek. It was only then that I realized I’d been crying.
Stepping closer, leaning her forehead against mine, she softly whispered, “I love you.”
And suddenly, it was as if the darkness that had been hovering over me for the last ten years lifted, and I could feel the sun on my face again.