Chapter Fourteen – Ensley
Ensley
The second I saw the tears on Colt’s face, my heart broke in a way I’d never experienced before in my life.
He looked drained, and he sounded like he was ready to simply give up. Ten years of running away were catching up to him now that he was home. And I wasn’t making it any easier on him.
It was as if my heart had firmly taken control when I stood and walked around the table. He needed me, and that was all I cared about.
After wiping his tears away and telling him I loved him, I sat down in the chair next to him, both of us just staring at one another.
“It’s a beautiful evening. Why don’t the two of you go sit on the front porch? You light the heaters, Colt. We’ll clean up and join you both in a few with some hot chocolate.”
I looked at my mother and smiled. “Are you sure?”
She stood, as did my father. “I’m positive. We’ve got this.”
Taking Colt’s hand in mine, I urged him to get up. He did, and started to grab his plate when my father said, “Leave it, Colt.”
I laced my fingers with his and tried to ignore the way his touch heated my entire body. No man had ever made me feel the way Colt Owens did. I doubted anyone else ever would, and I vowed I’d no longer try to find out.
We walked through the house to the front door.
I grabbed a blanket and tucked it under my arm before heading out onto the porch and over to the swing, while Colt lit the heater.
The number of times Colt and I had sat on this swing was more than I could count.
Then, once I’d moved into my little cabin—where I still lived now—we’d sit on my own front porch and watch the sunset. It was my favorite time of day.
Once we sat, Colt stared at the pink and orange clouds that hung low over the western horizon. He’d absentmindedly started to push the swing with his legs as I tucked mine under me, before draping the blanket over us. I could already feel the warmth from the heater moving around us.
“I knew about six days after I left that I’d fucked up in a major way. That it was a mistake that could cost me everything…and I was right.”
I turned and looked at him as he kept his gaze on the sky.
“I picked up my phone to call you so many times, and I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I’d absolutely convinced myself I was the reason Grady took his life.
Whether it had to do with you or with my father’s constant comparisons between us, I knew it was because of me.
I truly don’t think my father meant any harm; he simply couldn’t comprehend why Grady wouldn’t want a life here in River Falls.
The life my dad had always wanted. The same one I wanted.
I should have spoken up more for him.” He glanced at me.
“I did try to talk to my father about Grady.”
I took his hand in mine. “I know you did, Colt.”
Looking back out over the landscape, he went on.
“I love my father, but he couldn’t see past his own dreams for his sons.
There was a time after I left when I was so angry with him.
I mean, I was pissed off that he’d compared Grady to me, and I wanted to blame him for Grady’s death.
Anything to take the guilt off my own back. ”
I closed my eyes to keep the tears at bay. When I felt my self-control come back to me, I softly said, “Your father did blame himself for Grady’s death. I think because of that conversation you overheard. Actually…I don’t think. I know. Because he told me once.”
Colt’s head snapped around to look at me. “What?”
I nodded. “One of his clients called me and asked if I’d heard from him.
He was supposed to have shown up that morning to shoe a few of his horses.
I offered to do it, figuring Jacob was dealing with his grief.
Afterward, I headed to your place and found him in the barn, on the floor of his office.
He must have been drinking straight through the night.
I managed to help him get up and get to the house.
Your mother was out that morning, so I put him on the sofa and made him some coffee.
When I brought him a cup, his head was back on the cushions. I thought he’d fallen asleep.”
I drew in a breath and went on. “He wasn’t asleep; he was crying. Sobbing, actually. He told me it was his fault that Grady took his life. He told me he’d had a heart-to-heart with him and he might have gone too far. He didn’t tell me anything else, just that the talk was shortly before…”
My voice trailed off as I waited once again to get control of my emotions. Colt was still watching me intently.
“He said he didn’t tell your mother about the conversation, and that he couldn’t because she’d blame him. I told him that I didn’t think that would ever happen, but he still insisted it was his fault. He also mentioned you that morning.”
“What did he say?” Colt asked, looking at me with worry in his eyes.
“He thought he was the reason you left.”
Colt’s eyes went wide. “Why would he think that?”
I shrugged. “He didn’t tell me. He passed out after that, and I lay him down and covered him up.
He never once brought up the conversation again.
As a matter of fact, he never talked about Grady much after that at all.
When I stopped asking about you, your mother and father stopped talking about you both.
” She shook her head. “Looking back on it now, I believe we all handled things poorly.”
He sighed and dropped his head back against the swing. “Clearly, the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. God. I don’t know how we all would have handled that. It’s not like there’s a manual that tells anyone how to process something as traumatic as this.”
“Exactly, Colt. You have to stop beating yourself up.”
His brows raised. “You’re telling me this? After what I did to you?”
I let out a soft laugh. “I guess I am. I’ve already told you what your leaving did to me, but now you’re back. Just like you need to let go of the guilt, I need to let go of the anger. I want to let it go. I need to let it go…and if I’m being honest, I’m so damn happy you’re back, Colt.”
Those honey-colored eyes met my blue. The sadness in them nearly caused me to weep.
“You are?”
I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat and looked out at the darkening night sky.
“There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think about you.
Wondered what you were doing, who you were with?
Had you fallen in love with anyone, and was that why you weren’t coming home?
Some days, I swore I’d go insane thinking about it.
Then my sister and brother got married, and I found out they were having babies, and all I could think about was how that should’ve been me. If only you’d stayed…”
“Pippa—”
I held up my hand. “Let me get all this out, Colt, before my parents join us.”
He nodded.
“I was about to have a baby on my own.”
His head drew back in surprise. “What do you mean?”
“IVF. I’d already done the research, and I’d been saving up money because it’s not cheap.”
He frowned. “Who was going to be the sperm donor?”
I shrugged. “I hadn’t gotten that far yet. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, I obviously couldn’t move on with anyone else, because I was still in love with you. So I was preparing to move forward alone.”
“I’ll never stop loving you, Pippa. Like my note said. I hope you believe that.”
I chewed on my lower lip before letting it go. “You hurt me badly, Colt.”
He closed his eyes and shook his head. “And I swear, if you give me another chance, I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. Showing you how much I love you.”
“I want to start over. Like I said before. I want to go on a date…well, more than one date.”
A smile appeared on his handsome face. “I can do that. I remember our first date like it was yesterday.”
I held up my hand again. “You’re not getting sex on the first date like you did the first time around!”
When a look of horror crossed his face and his gaze snapped toward the front door, I laughed.
He looked back at me and chuckled. Then grew serious. “Ensley, I want you to know, I don’t think I deserve another chance. But I’m gladly going to take whatever it is that you will give me.”
“I won’t lie to you, Colt, you’re going to have to earn my trust back. If you hurt me again, I’m not sure I could ever forgive you a second time.”
He turned his whole body and took my hands in his. “I swear to you, as God is my witness, I will never leave you again. I would rather die than ever cause you more pain.”
The door opened, and my mother and father walked out.
Dad was carrying a tray of hot chocolate and what looked like brownies.
He put it down on a low table that sat in front of the bench adjacent to the swing.
They were wearing coats, but my mother also had a blanket with her, which they shared when they sat on the bench.
“Please tell me those are Oh My God brownies,” Colt said, dropping my hands and standing to reach for a brownie.
My mother grinned. “They are.”
Colt took a huge bite. He moaned and dropped back onto the swing. “This is what I imagine Heaven to be like. God, I’ve missed these.”
My mother beamed. There was nothing she enjoyed more than feeding people.
“Did you decide what you’re going to do about your brother’s room?” Dad asked.
Colt looked at me. “Would you mind helping me?”
“Talk to your parents?”
He nodded. “That, and cleaning out the room if you think it’s something you could do.”
My stomach churned. A small part of me suddenly wanted to say no, afraid of what we might find. But if Colt and I were going to give things another shot, supporting him was a good start.
“Of course. I’ll do both if you want.”
“Colt, I know it’s going to be hard to approach your parents about this. And I can’t imagine the pain they felt losing their son, so don’t be upset if they aren’t ready, even if it has been ten years.”
Nodding, Colt replied, “Thank you so much, Vivianne. Thank both of you for letting me talk to you about this. I truly appreciate it.”