38. JT
Chapter thirty-eight
JT
I lost. I placed so low, I didn’t even make enough to cover the cost of being here—it’s not cheap flying private, staying in a hotel for five days, or paying my caddie.
I let my parents down because I couldn’t hit the damn ball straight to save my life—or my parents’ life, I suppose.
I’m back in my hotel room, our flight scheduled for tomorrow in the hope we would be celebrating tonight.
“Do you want me to see if Jameo and Bryn want to change the flight to tonight?” Lila asks. It’s the first time we’ve communicated since I got back to the room after the round. Since our fight this morning, really. We’ve been sitting in silence since I walked in three minutes ago and the sight of Lila made my heart race with a joy I knew I couldn’t let myself feel.
She knew how important it was for me to play well today, and yet she chose this morning to pick a fight with me about my parents. Of course I was off my game after having a major fight with my girlfriend. The more I think about it, the more I realize my parents have been right about dating all along. It is a distraction I can’t afford. I know she didn’t mean to throw me off my game. I know she likely had the best intentions at heart, but I also know the unfortunate truth of the situation is that I can’t let another tournament like today happen. Which might mean I need to let Lila go. She can find a boyfriend who will be around and focused on her, and I can spend my time helping my parents get what they need.
“Doesn’t matter” is my only contribution to the conversation. Realizing I can’t be with Lila feels like someone is slowly constricting my airways.
“Hey, are you okay?” she asks.
“What? Yeah. Sure.” I stand up, staring blankly at my closet.
She stands up too, wrapping her arms around me from behind. “I’m proud of you. I know today didn’t go the way you wanted, but it will all be okay. No one can win every tournament.”
Of course she would say that. She’s sweet and caring and—distracting me from what I need to do again. “Yeah. Sure,” I say, my posture rigid, trying not to let myself fall into her warm embrace. I know I need to use this motivation to end this now, before we get in too deep. Before I hurt her more than I’m going to.
“Look, Lila,” I say, turning around and stepping out of her arms. “I don’t think this is a good idea.”
Confusion flicks across her features. “What do you mean?”
“I clearly hadn’t thought through what it meant for us to be together for longer than the time we had agreed upon, and now that I have, I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
Her facial expression flashes between hurt and anger, and she takes a step back, crossing her arms in a way that is half defiance, half defeat.
“You’re breaking up with me? Why?” she asks, her voice barely above a whisper.
I can see how much this is hurting her, and it takes all of my self-control not to go over to her and hug her.
“This just isn’t a good idea.”
“But…”—her lower lip quivers, and I can feel my heart collapsing in on itself as tears pool in her eyes—“but I think I love you.”
“I…I can’t be in a relationship right now, Lila. You saw what happened this morning. We fought, and my game completely fell apart.”
“Wait, you’re blaming me?” She wipes at her eyes, smearing her makeup as she does.
“No. But at the same time, I can’t deny the facts sitting in front of me. I have to focus on my game, and you demand my attention. As you should with someone you’re in a relationship with. It just can’t be me.”
“You played well in the rest of the tournaments this summer. I was around then.”
“Yeah.” I sigh. “I thought you might be my good-luck charm there for a minute, but this morning…I can’t have that kind of distraction. You should’ve known I can’t have that kind of distraction.”
Her face crumples. “That’s not fair, JT. You were suffering. I just wanted to talk to you. To be there for you. To help you.”
“I can’t do it, Lila.” I throw my clothes into my bag, Lila standing there, silently crying as she watches me pack.
“You can!” she all but yells, the fire in her calling to me. “You just don’t want to. At least have the courage to tell me the truth. You just don’t want to put in the effort to make us work.”
“Sure,” I say, because it’s what she needs to hear. It’s the guy I need to be to make her see that I can’t be her HEA.
I grab my toothbrush and bathroom bag and put it in my bag before zipping the whole thing up.
“At least now you can go back to hating me. It’ll make everything far less complicated for everyone.”
“I don’t want to hate you! Don’t you understand? I loved you when I was 14 and you were the only one of Jameo’s friends who would spend time with me. I loved you at 18 when you kissed me for the first time. I loved you at 21 when I realized you would never feel the same way about me, and I love you now, even as you’re ripping my heart out.”
A montage of our time together plays before my eyes, every scene changing as I’m given a new perspective of our history together. One that, if I were someone else, might actually turn into a happily ever after. But unfortunately, I can’t turn back from my path. My parents need me, and I can’t let their comfortable lives be another thing they end up sacrificing because they decided to help me chase my dream.
I can’t look at Lila as I prepare to leave. Her fire is slowly draining away from her, and I know it’s all my fault. But hopefully, with time, she’ll get it back. She’ll find it again with someone else.
“I can’t be the guy you need, Lila, but I hope you find him.”
“JT, don’t. Please.” The final word comes out as a whisper, the plea of someone about to have everything taken from them, and it guts me. “Please don’t leave.”
“I’ll get Sam to coordinate shipping my stuff in Wild Bluffs back to me,” I say, bags in hand as I force myself to walk out the door. “Bye, Lila.”
I hear the door swing closed, and I pause, realizing I can hear Lila’s sobs out in the hall. I force my legs to move me away from our room and the temptation I have to run back to her and beg her for forgiveness. I promise myself that this is the last time that I will hurt her.
I need another room for tonight, and fast, so even though it’s late in New York, I call Sam.
“What’s up, boss?”
“I need a new room for tonight.”
“Okaaay. What happened to your old one?”
“Lila’s staying there tonight. I need somewhere else to go. Preferably in a different hotel and under one of my aliases that Jameson doesn’t know I use.” I know Jameson is going to have some thoughts about what went down with his sister tonight, but I need to get my head on straight before I’m ready to deal with that. This is exactly why I should’ve never allowed myself to acknowledge the feelings I had for Lila. I knew I would end up losing my best friend as well as the only thing close to a loving family that I ever had.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Sam asks.
“No,” I snap, and thankfully he leaves it at that.
“Okay, I’ve got you a room at the hotel across the street. I’ll text you the booking information.”
“Thanks. Can you do one last thing for me?”
“Of course.”
“Can you put Jameo and Bryn’s names on my current room with Lila? She shouldn’t be alone tonight.”
“Are you sure they’re the ones who should be with her?”
“Unfortunately, yes.”
There is a long pause, and I’m not sure if Sam is going to call me out on my bullshit or not. He must sense the defeat in my tone, though, because he simply says, “Okay, consider it done.”
With that, I hang up and quickly send Jameson what will likely be the last ever civil message between us.
Me
I ended things with Lila tonight. I’m really sorry. Don’t worry, I know this means we can’t be friends anymore. I won’t make it awkward. She’s in room 65890. I had Sam add you and Bryn to the room so you can get a keycard to go up. I think she could probably use a friend.
Jameson
Are you fucking kidding me? How about you go be that friend? And fuck you. We’re still friends.
Jameson
Really? You’re not even going to text me back?
Jameson
Answer your phone, JT.
Jameson
Don’t run away from this thing. You’re going to regret it.
Jameson
We are with her now. What the fuck, man? Come back and make this right.
Jameson
You made the wrong call. This isn’t how you make her happy. Fight for her.
***
The next day…
Lila
It really sucks what you said to me last night. It was a total dick move, but it also wasn’t you. Can you please answer my calls? I want to talk to you.
Three days later…
Jameson
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Four days later…
Jameson
Really? You’re going to fucking avoid me at tournaments now too?
Jameson
You’re a dick.
Jameson
If you’d stop running the other direction when I am around, I would tell you that I’m pissed at you, but it doesn’t mean we’re not friends.
Five days later…
Jameson
Are you okay? Please call me. Or talk to me at the tournament this weekend.
Three weeks later…
Unknown Number
What is wrong with you? You need to pull your head out and come back to Wild Bluffs. Fight for the girl who makes you happy. This is me firmly putting the weight of your problems back on you. Don’t be the guy who runs away when things get hard. It’s cliche, it’s stupid, and it’s beneath you. Deal with your goddamn problems and then come back for her. And just to be clear, I’m saying this because you were supposed to be my friend, not because I’m getting involved in the life of my employee.