39. Lila
Chapter thirty-nine
Lila
“So what’s it like to have a professional golfer for a brother?” my date asks, leaning back in his chair and picking at his teeth with the toothpick he pulled out of his wallet. We just finished our pizza, and this is the first question he’s asked me about myself since we got here. Though, to be fair, I was happy to zone out while he went on and on about his new pickup truck, including but not limited to how much it cost, what upgrades he bought it with versus what he installed himself, and how often he cleans it. I tried to steer the conversation away a couple of times, but he was not having it. Apparently, it’s the world’s cleanest vehicle, and I need to know all about it.
I’m not sure why I said yes when Caleb asked me out last week. I was out at Wild Brews with the Harper sisters and Becca, and he’d come over out of the blue and asked me out. I noticed the subtle headshakes from Izzy and Bryn, but I couldn’t think of a good reason to say no. JT has made it really clear last month he doesn’t want anything to do with me, so what am I to do? Sit around and wait for someone who bailed? I think not. Though, to be fair, it was a huge mistake on my part to bring up his family issues. If I had just handled that conversation better—or not at all—maybe I’d be sitting with JT on our couch right now, cuddled up and reading spicy lines from a book.
“It’s a lot like having a brother who isn’t a professional golfer, I guess.” I shrug. “I watch him golf a lot more than most sisters probably watch their adult brothers play sports, but other than that, we have a fairly typical sibling relationship.”
“So you don’t think he’ll be stopping by here anytime soon?” Caleb asks, sending what has to be his seventy-fifth text of the night.
“On our date?”
“Yeah.”
“No, I don’t think my brother will be stopping by my date to casually say hello.”
“That’s too bad.” Clearly, Caleb isn’t a sarcastic person, because he is most certainly not picking up mine.
I fake a yawn, and the waitress brings the bill by, a pitying smile on her face as she looks between me and my date. “Ready to go already?” she asks.
“Yeah. Tonight’s kinda a bit of a bust anyway,” Caleb says. And while I wasn’t planning on ever going out with him again, it hurts to hear him put it like that. Though I suppose he’s just upset that my famous brother didn’t come by to say hi.
Caleb looks at the total and throws a twenty and some odd cash on the table before casually sliding the bill toward me. “You don’t mind splitting, do you? Your brother is a professional golfer, after all. I’ve seen how much money he makes.”
“Right,” I say, pulling my credit card out of the wallet that is magnetized to the back of my phone.
Caleb must realize I’m going to have to wait to pay by card, and with another look at his phone, he stands up. “Well, I’m going to take off. See ya around, Lila.”
I manage to offer him a small two-fingered wave, even though everything inside of me wants to drop my index finger and just leave the middle one. Unfortunately, I’ve felt every pair of eyes on us since we got here—small-town dating at its finest. I highly doubt anyone would blame me for the reaction, but that doesn’t mean I should be flipping my date the bird in the middle of the restaurant. For all I know, his grandma is at the table behind us.
As I walk out, I see a couple of people I know at the tables. Janice, the queen of gossip, is at a table in the back, and I know word will be out about this disaster of a date before I even get home. But honestly? I’m not even mad. I’m just relieved it’s over.
***
“How was the date?” Jameson asks from Bryn’s phone where it’s propped on my new coffee table in the house I’m renting. Bryn just arrived, bringing phone-screen Jameo with her. The gossip mill hit must have let her know I was done with my date—if we can even call that snoozefest of a dinner a date.
“Horrible,” I sigh, burying my face in my hands. “He thought you were going to stop by and was disappointed when you didn’t.”
“I’d be disappointed too if I thought I was going to see my pretty face and then I got stuck looking at you all night.”
“Blech. Caleb is all yours. The two of you can compete to see who is more obsessed with themselves.”
“So the dating isn’t going well?” Jameo asks.
“Well, I’ve been on exactly one date and it was horrible, so no. I would say it’s not going well.”
“Do you still love JT?”
“Jameo!” Bryn yells, turning the phone so he can see her disappointment.
“What?” he asks.
“We aren’t talking about you-know-who,” she chides.
I roll my eyes. “It’s fine. You can talk about JT. I stopped crying whenever someone mentioned his name like three whole days ago.” I’m joking—mostly.
“He was in the group before mine today, and while he still wouldn’t even look me in the fucking eyes, I could still tell he looks like shit. I’m worried about him.”
“Jameo!” Bryn says again. “How is that helping?”
He sighs. “I’m not really trying to help. I’m worried about my friend, and I wanted to see if Lila is okay with me spending time with him again.”
“Of course,” I say automatically, wanting to beg him to bring me with him when he does, but knowing it’s a lost cause. “I thought he was going out of his way to avoid you, though?”
“Yeah. He is. Unfortunately for him, I’m done playing that game. I’m really fucking pissed at the way he treated you, but I do believe he thinks he’s doing it for the right reason. He’s just a fucking idiot.”
“Most men are,” Bryn says. A snort of laughter breaks through my lips, and it feels so good to finally feel an emotion that isn’t sad or angry. Or annoyed, I suppose. I definitely felt annoyed during my date tonight.
“I saw he’s going into tomorrow tied for fifth. He’s clearly been playing just as well as before.” There is a part of me that’s sad his game hasn’t suffered from our breakup. Not because I want him to do poorly, but because I want him to be as torn up by our breakup as I am. Though, maybe those couple of weeks we spent together were just that—a couple of weeks. He always meant for it to end; I guess I shouldn’t be surprised he’s not suffering because our fling followed his anticipated trajectory.
“Have you watched him play?” Bryn asks.
I shake my head. “No. I’ve just been watching Jameo’s highlights at night. I haven’t turned on live coverage of an event since Vegas.”
“He doesn’t look—” Bryn starts, but Jameo cuts her off.
“He looks like he hasn’t eaten or slept since Vegas.” It’s like he knows he’s dropping a bomb on me. Because as frustrated as I am with the man, I do still love JT, and hearing that he’s suffering is hard, especially when I know I can’t fix it. Look at what happened the one time I tried to help him—I failed epically.
I look between the concerned faces of Bryn and my brother and am not sure how to respond. I know Bryn has been sticking around Wild Bluffs at my brother’s insistence. They’re worried about how I’m handling everything, and Jameo feels bad he can’t stay with me. My parents have both called me so much that I’m worried they’re going to show up on my doorstep any day now, a midwestern care package in hand. Kelsey has brought me in on every meeting she’s had in the past three weeks, and I know it’s her way of helping me keep my mind off things. To be fair, she’s not wrong. We are in the final stage of landing this huge client, and I have been staying at the office until ten or eleven most nights, working on figuring out all the proposal schematics I don’t understand.
I’m definitely not staying late because I can’t sleep without JT next to me, so I have to be dead on my feet to have any chance of dozing off.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Have you reached out to him?”
“I let him down, Jameo. JT doesn’t want to talk to me. He could barely get out of our room fast enough.”
“God, you’re both such idiots,” Jameo says.
“What do you mean?”
“He cares about you. You know he did. His parents dropped this huge bomb on him and he played poorly—”
“He blamed that on me.”
“Like I said, he’s an idiot. An idiot who made an irrational decision because he’s got the world’s largest guilt complex when it comes to his parents…and a blind spot about them equally as large. But then you don’t even reach out? Not even one single text to see how things turned out with his parents, or to make sure he got his stuff, or to confirm he’s not wasting away into nothing?”
“He ended things with me!” I’m all but yelling now. It’s not fair for Jameson to say I’m not handling this the right way. JT did this. “He was the one who wasn’t even willing to try. I made a mistake, I wasn’t perfect, and he walked out the door. Plus, I don’t even really think it was my fault. I mean, come on, his parents dropped a huge bomb on him the night before and yet my tiny little bottle rocket is somehow blamed for the massive explosion?”
Bryn comes over and hugs me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders as I realize I’m crying. Again. Damn it.
I lean into Bryn, accepting her comfort even as I hate myself for how weak I am. I never wanted to be the type of girl who cried over a dumb boy. One of my friends in high school had a pair of socks that said, “Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them” and that is the energy I should be bringing to this breakup. Instead, I’m bringing real supporting-character vibes. If I were in a historical romance, they would’ve had to revive me with smelling salts at least three times by now, and the main character never faints.
“I’m sorry, Lila,” Jameo says.
I shrug out of Bryn’s hug, claiming her phone so I can talk directly to my brother.
“There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. I got myself into this mess.”
“Yeah, after I tricked you into living with the guy.”
I tap my cheek as if I’m considering it. “Hmm, you know? Now that you mention it, this does seem like it’s entirely your fault. Heaven knows I would’ve fallen in love with any guy I ended up sharing a house with for a couple of weeks.”
“You’re hilarious.”
“I’m just saying you shouldn’t feel bad about it. Even though it sucks so much right now, I wouldn’t change a thing about us getting together. I would change us breaking up, but that’s beside the point.”
“So, you do still love him?” Jameo asks, coming back to his original question. Bryn rolls her eyes as if to say “How dumb can this man possibly be?” but chooses not to say anything.
“Yeah. Of course I do. You don’t fall out of love with someone in three weeks. I’m not sure I’ll ever stop loving him. JT is…well, he’s JT. But hopefully I can move on from him.”
“So when I force him to talk to me, should I try to get him to talk to you?”
“No.”
“No?”
“I don’t want him to talk to me because my brother forced him to. I want him to talk to me because his heart is telling him he can’t go another day without me. Because he realizes losing me is the worst possible outcome—worse than losing one golf tournament. I want him to realize our relationship doesn’t make him lose focus—it brings what’s important into focus.” I take a deep breath, feeling more conviction with every word I say. “If he doesn’t feel that way, then…I don’t want him at all.”
Jameo looks at me for a long moment, his brows furrowing. “And what if he’s just…scared of letting down his parents? You know how JT is. He feels like he has to pay them back, even to the detriment of his happiness.”
I shrug, trying to be nonchalant. “If his guilt about the decisions his adult parents made when he was a kid is stronger than what he feels for me, then maybe it was never enough to begin with.”
The pain at the thought burrows deep inside my chest, threatening to pull another round of tears from me. “And I’ll just have to find some way to move on.”