24. Jaxon
JAXON
I’m pretty fucking glad I’m not holding anything in my hand, because I would have dropped it.
Did I hear her right? I mean, no. I must be hearing things because there’s no way Della said what I think she just did.
She has to be completely hammered, and that puts the fucking brakes on any and everything I planned on doing tonight.
The hand that has been on her hip shifts when she gets even closer.
My dick is already at full attention… pretty much has been since she pushed her body into Sir Magnum Biggs when Cliff came over, and it’s been at various stages of excitement since.
But now we’re chest to chest, and she’s so close to me, so easily kissable.
It physically hurts me to show restraint.
I was so set on making a move, but now that the opportunity is here, I can’t because I’m worried she won’t even remember, or just as bad, regret it.
And sex lessons from me? Goddamnit. Capitalizing on that right now feels like I’d be taking advantage of a situation, and I’m not that person.
I wanted Della to leave here feeling like the time she spent at Heart of Will was a breath of air, not that some cowboy took advantage of a drunk, vulnerable woman.
Before I can say anything, she takes matters into her own hands when she raises on her tiptoes and kisses me. The gesture takes my breath away.
What is she doing?
My brain short-circuits, and I return the kiss because how could I not?
Weeks of tension and chemistry flow through this kiss, and though I’ve played this moment out dozens of times, it’s better than I imagined it to be.
My pulse thunders, and I can’t help when my hands anchor her to me, taking care not to pull her into my now raging erection because I know how she freaked out last time.
Her tongue traces my bottom lip, teasing, lingering, but right before I fully fall into it, reality hits, and guilt crashes through me. I pull her back before I can think twice. “Del,” I say.
Before I have a chance to continue, she pulls away, and her cheeks are already beginning to flood with embarrassment.
“I’m sorry,” she says, moving fast. “My God, I’m so sorry.” I see the water gather in her eyes.
“No,” I say, reaching to her back, but she’s already sprinting to the bathroom so fast I don’t have time to process it. But even if I wanted to chase her, I’m cut off by my brother, who steps right in front of me, slow clapping.
“That looked good, Casanova. Can’t say I see women running from you very often. I’ll put that in my notes to report back to Cayson on the employee doings, I’m sure he’ll have a field day with that tidbit,” he laughs.
“I… holy shit, Everest,” I say, not taking his fun-loving bait. It feels like I got punched in the stomach, and I’m panicking.“That wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“What do you mean?” he responds, tilting his head.
“She… no. Ohmygod.” I touch my lips.
“Where’d Del go?” Of course, Hazel and Molly rejoin right at this moment.
“Well, Jax gave her such a shit kiss that she ran to the bathroom,” my brother answers for me.
“Shut up, Jax.” My sister stares at me with her hand on her hip.
“I… I didn’t,” I stutter.
I don’t even know how to respond because these fuckers missed the conversation where she told me she wants me to give her a masterclass in sex. Fuck me. It’s not often I’m speechless, but I don’t think I’ve ever been so surprised in my life.
“Ugh,” Hazel makes a sound that telegraphs her exasperation. “I like her, Jax. Don’t be a dick.”
“I’m…” I start to defend myself, but stop. There’s no way I’m going to share our private conversation, or explain that I won’t cross the boundary when she’s drunk and I’m stone sober, so that leaves me with no other option besides just going along with their admonishment.
After a couple more minutes, I check my watch and get uneasy that she’s still not out, but I turn back towards my brother.
Della eventually makes her way back to our group, making damn sure to stay away from me.
Not only that, she’s avoiding any eye contact, while all signs of flirting have disappeared.
I’m watching her slam water, and my fun is stifled because she’s giving me the cold shoulder.
It’s not that I don’t want to take her up on everything she’s suggesting and insinuating; I just…
not when she’s drunk enough to tell me she wants sex lessons.
I wish she had let me have a minute to get my thoughts together to explain myself.
When alcohol and high emotion are involved, lines can get blurry, and I simply don’t know her well enough to gauge her.
Around midnight, Molly mentions how she has to get home, and Della seconds the suggestion.
“I can take Mol home,” Everest suggests, since he has his car here too.
“I’m staying for a bit,” my sister chimes in. My head snaps to her, knowing that’s odd. I look around, wondering what her motivation for staying without Molly is, but I don’t have too much time to think because my crew is walking out almost immediately. What an unusual end to the night.
Despite the tumultuous last ninety minutes, to my surprise, Della still ends up in my car. The silence between us stretches, as lifeless as the street. Every minute, I get more uncomfortable, and I’m trying to broach how to explain myself before she breaks the quiet standoff.
“I’m really sorry, Jaxon. My actions were uncalled for, silly, and desperate. I read you wrong. To be fair, I’m out of practice.”
After glancing in the rearview mirror and seeing no one behind us, I stop the car and throw it into park in the middle of Millstone Avenue before turning to her.
“You didn’t read anything wrong. In any other situation, I would have taken the opportunity to leave the bar and capitalize on that kiss.
I’m wildly attracted to you, Della, make no mistake.
Pulling away from you took a metric ton of effort, but tonight, with the amount of booze and vulnerability involved, I could not, in good faith, act on it.
If you regretted it in any way, I couldn’t stand it.
I’m not saying no, but I am saying I need you in the right headspace. ”
“I am in the right headspace, and that space is desperation and attraction to you,” she argues.
“No, that’s absolutely not the right headspace,” I chuckle.
“I just want to feel something,” she continues, and I hear the hurt in her voice.
“No, I’m lying. I want to feel fucking desired.
I said it earlier, but my ex never once made me feel like I was worth his time, in or out of the bedroom.
The only time he seemed like he was marginally interested was when he took my virginity… ”
“You were a virgin before him?” The question escapes my mouth, and for the second time tonight, I’m fucking speechless. Because I still can’t wrap my head around the fact her ex didn’t want to live on her body twenty-four seven… but to treat her poorly knowing that you were her first?
Her head goes back and hits the headrest. “Jaxon, I know I share a lot, but the amount I have overshared with you needs to be studied. Does everyone confess their secrets to you, or is it just me?”
I don’t look away after that confession, but I still can’t find words.
She waited for someone special, and it was him?
That douchebag? Fuck’s sake. I’m that much more sure that I made the right decision pulling away earlier.
Who knows what would have led to where, and what if we ended up in a hallway, a bathroom stall, or my truck?
Jesus. She deserves so much better. Admittedly, looking at her now, she isn’t drunk, but she slammed pitchers of water and ate food between her sex lessons proposition and now.
“Please don’t look at me differently. My whole fucking life is a series of embarrassments right now.”
I gently grab her chin to make her face me, and wait until her eyes meet mine.
“You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Not one single thing. I don’t know what your relationship was like, but the fact that he wanted your virginity as a trophy and then didn’t choose you speaks volumes about him, not you.
I’m sorry you’ve had a shit hand, Della. ”
“Things weren’t always shit. Things just plummeted after my mom.”
“That was five years ago.”
“It’s been a rough five years,” she laughs a little.
A car is coming up behind us, so I have to put the car in gear and keep going, but I want to ask her a hundred more questions.
“If you weren’t taking the high road, would you have done something like… tried to screw me in the bathroom?” she asks when we turn off the main strip.
I’m not sure how to answer. Because… I mean, I’ve done it before.
Not often, and not at the Lantern, but it’s happened.
And I’ve certainly slept with people in my truck.
But I’m feeling pretty self-conscious of what my past looks like compared to hers.
It’s the first time in my life I’ve ever taken that into consideration.
“Is that something you’d be into?” I venture, realizing maybe that’s what she wants to hear.
She just shrugs. “That’s kind of dirty. Probably not a bathroom. I think I’d be chasing the I need this now, or I’ll die feeling.”
“It’s more likely we would have ended up in my truck,” I say, understanding that yes, that’s exactly what she wants to think about.
She looks my way again, and I see her glance down at my dick. All the talk of fucking her in various locations has made things a little exciting, but let her stare. Maybe she didn’t do it for her ex, but she sure as shit does it for me.
“Jaxon, I am not that drunk, and I respect that you’re concerned about my ability to consent.
I won’t push anymore tonight, but I wasn’t joking inside.
I want at least one night with you. My ex always made me feel like I sucked, and blamed his lack of initiation on me.
I know more of the why now, but it doesn’t negate the fact that I don’t really know where I stand.
I want to be good. No, I want to be fucking mind-blowing.
You seem safe because… well, your talents are talked about.
But if I am the worst you’ve ever been with, I’m leaving soon, so you can laugh at that crazy person who breezed into town, sucked in bed, and took off.
I never ask for what I want or put myself out there. I’m doing both with you.”
“You’re underselling yourself, Tatroe. Have you looked in a mirror?” I side-eye her and half make a joke. Because the things I would do…
“What do you see? When you look at me?”
“You mean besides your radiant beauty and beautiful heart?”
She laughs, “I guess. I’m not sure. I’ve never asked someone that.”
“Ask me again when we get back to your place,” I say. I’m still not going to start these lessons tonight, but as long as she has her wits about her tomorrow and still feels like exploring a one-night… or weeks-long stand with me? Giddy-up.