CHAPTER 29
I wrote to him again today, not that he will ever reply. I had thought no bond could surpass that of two brothers. That was before. Now, I know with unequivocal clarity that she will always come first.
—Entry from the private diary of Patriol, son of Jaenis
ELDRETH
I did not follow as Serae left the training room. I did not follow as her footsteps faded up the stairs. I let her walk away.
I headed out the back door into the open air.
It was pouring, but I never minded the rain.
On instinct, I walked toward my alcove, ready to punch my fucking tree.
It had taken more hits than I could count over the years.
I rounded the corner and froze. The rosemary was in fucking bloom because of her.
One glance at the tree brought memories of the feel of her body as I pressed her against it.
I half expected to find her discarded blossoms still there in the kidney weed.
I’d never taken anyone here before, not even Meralda, but Serae had permeated my life. Everything with her was different.
I was a fucking idiot not to go after her.
By the time I made it to the main corridor, tracking water over the stones, she was gone.
I knocked on her door, but there was no answer.
I checked our shared sitting room—empty.
She wasn’t in her Relaxation Room. I don’t know when it became hers, but she had claimed it as surely as that spot between my ribs.
The gardens? After thirty minutes of searching, I had to concede that she wasn’t there.
I was probably the only idiot mad enough to be out in this rain.
She was avoiding me, and if I were her, I would avoid me too.
Fucking Meralda. She showed up at my door, pushing her way in and grabbing at me like it was still six months ago.
I had to use force to get her out. I don’t know what Serae thought she saw, but it wasn’t that.
What a fucking mess. And, how the fuck didn’t she know who I was?
My mind was still reeling. I couldn’t think straight.
I knocked on her door the next morning, but still no answer. I had to spend the day in the lower city training a new set of guards for the northern gate. In the evening, I tried again. Nothing. She’d have to see me eventually, her ranng would return for training in three days.
The following day, I had to ride to Port Drakha to work out a new rotation schedule for the company stationed there.
I didn’t return until it was nearly dawn.
I collapsed on my bed, but sleep was elusive.
When I finally succumbed, I dreamt of Serae trapped in a cocoon of thorns.
I punched at it until my fists bled while she screamed and screamed for help.
I woke before midday and decided sleep could fuck right off.
The rest of the day I spent training. My body was sluggish, and I lacked focus.
I was ready to give up and go bang on her door until she answered, when I heard the door to the Training Hall thump shut.
I bolted. I don’t know how I knew it would be her; I just did.
I caught up with her in the hallway, touching her elbow but not stopping her.
“Don’t touch me,” she spat.
I kept pace with her. “You’ll need to touch me at some point.”
“Not if I can help it.”
“We are to be married, Serae.”
“That doesn’t mean anything. All you need from me is an heir.”
“That will require touching.” I quirked a brow at her. Now was probably not the time, but fuck if I could help it. Whenever she walked into a room, all I could think about was touching her.
Serae huffed. “I can’t do this with you.”
“You’re still upset with me.”
She ignored me.
“Are you upset that it’s me?”
That stopped her, but I had to know. She turned, and she looked like she wanted to smack me.
I took her hand. “Please,” I begged. “Don’t shut me out again.
” I pulled her toward our shared sitting room, and by the grace of the Great Dragon, she followed.
Fuck, did she even know this room was meant for us?
That, before I had even met her, I had the whole fucking thing redone to make her feel more at home.
I even brought Hanover in as a consultant, since he’d seen her home in Cavendaffe several times.
There were so many things she didn’t know because I was too fucking stupid to tell her.
No wonder this had happened. I deserved the guilt that welled in my gut.
Serae went straight for the couch I’d meant for her, slightly shorter, but more plush. I wondered if she even registered the domesticity of it. A fire crackled in the hearth—I had asked it to be lit nightly—giving the room an intimacy it lacked with the sunlight streaming in.
I followed her, trying to decide where to start. I was still wrapping my head around it all, but I puzzled through a few things on my own. “Your kings, they’re based on birth order, yes?”
“Kings, heirs, everything goes to the first son.”
I nodded. “We don’t pick leaders based on birth order or blood. They’re usually blood relatives—children trained to lead since birth—but that’s not a rule. It’s whoever will best lead the Riht.”
She nodded. “That makes sense.” They were the first civil words we’d spoken in days, and it gave me hope.
“Do you use titles in Inra?”
“Not like here.”
I nodded again and sank into the couch opposite hers. “This whole time, you didn’t know?”
“How could I know?” Her voice was hollow and flat.
She shifted to lie across the couch on her side, facing me.
How could she know that I had imagined her lying just like that a dozen times with her legs thrown across my lap as we watched the fire and talked about our day?
There were so many things I could’ve told her, things that might’ve spared her these feelings.
My heart was splintering for her, and I didn’t even know why.
Nothing was stopping us anymore. Yet, a tear dripped down her cheek.
I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees. There were more truths I could give her. I needed to heal this rip between us. “I wasn’t with Meralda that night.”
“I hate her name on your lips.”
I nodded. That was more than fair. “I haven’t been with her since I agreed to the betrothal, long before you got here.”
She rubbed her eyes; dark circles had gathered beneath. She must not be sleeping either. “She was in your rooms.”
“She tried to be, but I blocked her.”
“You said it was your last night together.” Tears glistened on her cheeks, piercing my chest like shards.
“No, that was before. Fuck, do you even want to know this?”
“I wish I didn’t have to. I never wanted to know that side of your past.”
“Right, of course.” I sure as fuck wouldn’t want to know who she’d been with before me if things were reversed.
She rubbed her eyes again and wiped her cheeks clean.
I hated seeing her like this. I hated that I caused this, even unknowingly.
I had to fix it. This time, I had to be the one to bend.
I got up and went to her. I knelt by her head as she rested on one of the green pillows I’d had piled on the couches and chairs.
Her hair splashed across it like flames.
“What can I do?” I asked.
She sat up and turned those hypnotic aquamarine eyes on me. “You really weren’t with her?”
“No, fuck, no. I don’t want her. I only opened the door because I thought it was you.”
I reached for her, and by some miracle, that’s all it took. My lips were on hers, and I tunneled one hand into her incredible hair. I moved slowly, taking my time exploring her mouth. The taste of her tongue on mine was a drug, and I was its addict.
“I can’t believe it’s you,” she whispered and kissed me again. “You never said.”
“You’ve been with me,” I said between kisses, “this whole time. Dane put us together like this for a reason.” I kept kissing her. I needed her closer. “The training, the rooms, the lessons—they were all his orders.”
She pulled back a fraction. “His orders?”
“To keep us in proximity.”
“Orders?”
Why the fuck were her lips not on mine anymore? I gave her a flat look. “Have you met Dane? Everything out of his mouth is an order. This was a kindness from him.” I moved to kiss her again, but she pulled back.
“Dane had to order us to be together.”
“He made time for us. You never saw the way he cared for my mother. He hides it well, but there’s a softer side to him.”
“No. No, I don’t want to hear more reasons about why you were forced to be with me. I’m both your captive and your captor. Do you have any idea how that sits in my heart?”
“Dane wants us together to find happiness through a betrothal, and you’re mad it worked? I can’t help how I fell for—”
“No.” She pushed me back and stood. “I don’t want to hear that. I’m sick of having no choices.”
No choices? My face hardened as I got to my feet. Everything that happened between us I made sure was her choice. Her own father demanded I listen to her choices, eliciting one of the most awkward commands from Dane I’d ever received. I shuddered at the memory, even now.
“She’s to remain untouched until you’re wed,” Dane said.
“Fine.”
“You’ll have to rely on other methods of relieving yourself.”
“I said, fine.”
“No other women. If it comes to it, you’ll have to ask her what sorts of things she’s willing to do to satisfy you until the betrothal period ends.”
“It’s. Fine.” I bit out. “I’m not fifteen anymore. If this is what she needs, there’s no issue.”
“There’ll be no pressuring her either.”
I had walked away at that point. If I never again had to talk with him about my sex life, it would be too soon. But, if not for this, I would’ve already had her in my bed, in hers, against my tree, anywhere, worshiping her with my body.
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” I said, knowing bitterness had crept into my tone.
“Don’t apologize for my feelings,” she snapped.
I was going about this all wrong. “No one has a choice when it comes to love. We control our actions, not our hearts.” I clenched my fist at my side.
Keeping my hands to myself was impossible, but I could see the turmoil on her face.
The amount of self-control I had to exercise with her was pure masochism.
The moment she softened, I reached up and stroked my fingers down the side of her face. Her cheeks had dried, which I hoped was a good sign. She pressed into my palm, closing her eyes and exhaling a sigh. When my hand started to move down her neck, she caught my wrist.
“I can’t think when you touch me.”
I pulled my hand back.
“I need time to think.”
I stepped away and heard the crunch of fallen leaves beneath my feet. “I can do that.”
I could give her space. I could wait for her to be ready to come to me. It might destroy me in the process, but I could do this for her. I left the room and didn’t look back.