Chapter 62
ROCKEFELLER CENTER
Luca watched Gabriella and Phoebe out on the rink, making slow yet steady progress on the ice, avoiding falling skaters and laughing hysterically when one or both of them lost balance.
With the lit Christmas tree, the festive music ringing out, the scent of sugared doughnuts and hot dogs in the air, he felt truly ‘in’ this winter moment, his mind not racing with worry about other things – his job, his family, his guilt.
For the first time in as long as he could remember he almost felt free.
‘She is amazing,’ Steffi said, nudging his arm as she rejoined him at the barricade, a paper cup of steaming hot chocolate in her hands.
‘Phoebe? Yeah,’ Luca said. ‘The way she sat on that platform tonight and conducted the interview like a total pro. I mean it was everything, right? It was sweet and it was deeply personal and it’s going to be all over the internet in a few hours, if it’s not already.’
‘She is an incredible kid,’ Steffi agreed. ‘To have gone through all that trauma and still be so strong and so gentle in the world. But I was actually talking about Gabriella.’
If you could feel your heart clench, then that’s what Luca thought he could sense now.
The sensation was warm, exciting and unfamiliar to him before he had met her.
Yet, as the days had passed, as he had opened up to her, piece by piece, and she had slowly shared her thoughts and fears with him, the feeling had grown, expanded, arrived here where it now felt like something he couldn’t be without.
‘Wow, OK, again, like outside the prison, you don’t need to say anything to me. How you feel about her is written all over your face. Could you be more obvious?’ Steffi asked.
‘What?’ he asked, but he already knew he was going to blush before it even started happening.
‘This is better than I thought. This is love.’
‘Steffi—’
‘God, Luca, what are you gonna do about it? Isn’t she going back to the UK soon?’
‘I… don’t know.’
‘What d’you mean you don’t know? Tell me exactly what’s been going on with you two, because watching you finish dressing her and all the lingering looks and the hand-brushing, it felt like being trapped in the middle of a steamy drama I had no dedicated role for.’
‘Steffi!’
‘What?’ she asked, shrugging, mouth to her cup. ‘It’s true. So, I know you’ve made some kind of moves together or, if you really haven’t then you definitely, totally need to, because you’re gonna have the most beautiful babies.’
‘And that’s where this conversation is going to end.’
‘Oh no, we need to discuss this, while they’re still spinning around on the ice. You cannot let her go because I’ve not seen you this way about anyone.’
‘Yeah, well, I’ve kind of had a lot going on for a while.’
‘True, but now you say things are going to change so, no excuses.’
Was he making excuses? Could he be good for Gabriella?
Because that was what he needed to be. If there was going to be anything more than her New York visit for them, then he wanted to add to her life experience in a great way, not burden her with something else she had to make concessions for.
He knew now that she’d been doing that too much as it was.
‘I don’t know what I’m meant to feel,’ he blurted out.
‘What are you talking about?’ Steffi asked. ‘Feelings can’t be second guessed, they just exist and there’s nothing you can do about them.’
‘You can turn them off. Pretend they aren’t there.’
‘Fill your mind with other things you mean? Go to the gym? Dress a few more celebrities?’ Steffi asked. ‘Take your sister out for bagels? OK, the last one is OK but the fact you said “pretend they aren’t there” means the feelings are there, doofus.’
He knew that. He definitely knew that. ‘But how do I know that the feelings I have, if I have them, are… I don’t know… enough?’
‘Enough for what?’ Steffi asked.
‘Enough for Gabriella to want me to have feelings… for her.’
Steffi shook her head. ‘Oh my God, Luca, why do you try to overthink everything? You have the feelings. You need to do something with them, tell Gabriella about them, no matter what happens next.’
He blew out a breath, visible in the night air. ‘I don’t know. It’s not easy, is it. Both of our pasts, our careers, where we live and… Phoebe.’
‘Luca,’ Steffi said seriously. ‘Stop writing the whole book in your head. It doesn’t have to be that way and it shouldn’t be that way.
You don’t have to think about anything further than the initial chapters, the exciting newness of it and the not knowing what might happen is sometimes the best part. ’
‘What if we’re not even on the same page about the first chapters?’
‘Well, there’s only one way to find out,’ Steffi said, punching him in the arm, passing him her cup and heading to the gap that led to the rink. ‘Tell her how you feel, how you really feel and see what happens.’
‘Wait, where are you going?’
‘To see if Phoebe wants to get churros. And you should go partner Gabriella on the ice.’
‘Steffi!’
‘Sorry, what? Can’t hear you above Bing Crosby!’