9. Chapter 9 #2
He stands there and waits while I go outside and grab his things. My mom is underwater and completely oblivious. When I bring him his clothes, he goes into the bathroom and changes, and then I walk him to the door. “Thanks for dinner.”
“Thanks for the company.”
“I’ll, um, see you tomorrow.” His tone is almost nervous. It's like he's having second thoughts about tonight, specifically about the sex again.
“Led, I mean every word that I say. And when I say that I won't say anything about what happens between us, I mean it. We're both adults here. And we work with adults as well. And, just like you, I would never do anything to jeopardize my job, or anyone else’s job, for that matter. Even if I was miserable. I know the difference between right and wrong, and I respect that.”
He looks forlorn. Like he isn't sure whether or not to believe me. All the same, he lies. “Got it. I gotta go.”
“See you.”
Once he leaves, I walk outside and watch my mother swim laps up and down my pool.
She enjoys swimming just as much as I do.
And I'm glad that I have a pool at my house that people can enjoy, giving her more reason to stop by for a visit.
For this reason, mom doesn't have a pool at her place.
As I sit in the deck chair next to the lip of the pool, enjoying the soft moonlight and the sound of mom making soft waves in my pool, she finally comes up for air. “Did I cross a line tonight?”
“Not at all. He'll be fine. He doesn't really remember the real you.” I say with a soft chuckle.
“He looked like he was going to vomit there for a second if you want the truth.”
I smile wickedly. “He did, didn't he.”
She's got her elbows on the lip of the pool, inches from my feet. Her chin rests on her hands. “Did you enjoy that look on him? Was this a visit for pain or for pleasure?”
“He's a troubled man, mom. I just don't know what's troubling him yet. Nor is it my place to know.”
“Do you want it to be your place? After all these years, do you still have that high school crush on him?”
I smile, thinking about it. “I think I do, actually. He doesn't look much different than he did back then. And he's still the same quiet, mysterious boy he was. He's just a man now.”
Mom's hair is pasted to her head. She keeps it just below her shoulders, and she leaves it natural white.
Focusing much on her physical appearance, mom has always been blessed with time.
“If he's a troubled man, Jinny, then maybe you should pass on him.
Those kinds of men are not much fun after a while, especially when they don't want to solve their own troubles, and they just want to inflict their misery on you.
That's the last thing that you need. That anyone needs.”
I rest my chin on my hand, gazing up at the stars. “I don't know, mom. Normally, I would agree, but I just feel so drawn to him.”
“It's your natural mothering instinct. Normally, you tend to reserve that disposition for Bowie, for someone that you care deeply about.”
“You say that like you're goading me. Like you're trying to say that I care deeply for him.”
“I think you care for him more than you do most men you spend time with. And that's only because you seem to know more about him than just what size cock ring he would need.”
I can't help but laugh. “Well, I definitely know a lot more than that about him, and that's not just because I work with him or because we went to high school together.”
“Your father and I were a bit like that. He was mysterious and driven, too. Also very hard to read at times, so I can relate.”
Whenever mom talks about dad, it makes me smile.
Although she had very little time with him, it was about quality not quantity.
He left an imprint on her heart that will last forever.
We both got the best of him, but that's easy to say since there really was nothing bad about him, he was perfect.
He must have been, because after his tragic and sudden death, my mom could hold her own with the company, because he made sure that she would be able to, regardless of whether or not he would be there forever.
“Do you still miss him?”
With a grin and a faraway glance, as though she's looking up to heaven to see him, she answers.
“He’s always with me, Jinny. He's part of my heart and soul and always will be.
That man made me promise to live my life to the fullest, and I intend to do that for him.
All he ever wanted was my happiness, so that's what I'll give him.”
“God, it's like a fairy tale, isn't it?”
Mom tilts her head and looks at me like she's about to tell me the true meaning of life. “It's the way all love should be, my dear. Which is why I'll never accept anything less. And it's also why you shouldn't, either.”
I wave her off dismissively. “That kind of man doesn't exist anymore, mom. At least, not in my world, and evidently not in your world, either.”
“He did exist, Jenny. And you only get one chance at it, if you're lucky.” Her pause is purposeful, punctuating what she's about to say, so I listen carefully.
“You just have to watch carefully for the signs.”
“How would I know what to watch for?”
She places a hand on her chest. “It's a feeling.
A gut feeling. First, it'll just seem like you want to spend more time with them, more so than you spent with anyone else.
But then days and months will pass, where you realize that this person is no longer just a presence in your life.
He's changed you, for the better, and not on purpose, either.”
“What if I like myself the way that I am? What if I don't need to change for the better?”
“Maybe not change but growth. And you will know the difference.”
“But, how will it be different?”
“Because everything will be better. The taste of food, your quality of sleep, your mind will be clearer, the sex will be out of this world. And it won't be something that you'll be dependent on, either. It will be something that enriches your life, not a need.”
I sit back in my chair, not wanting to know more. It seems like the more she tries to explain true love, the more questions arise. True love, to me, seems like some sort of fable. Like you don't know what it's like until you're there, like death.
But, as I lie down on my pillow later that night, my mind seems clearer, and I sleep like a goddamn baby.
... A first for me in a long time.