16. Chapter 16 #2
I mean, she is a career woman, right? Maybe she doesn’t want to have a family.
Then another voice inside my head says, ‘But why would she settle for a man that can’t even give that to her?
Whether she wants it or not, she should still be able to have the option’.
Then I realize that my rationalization is just me making lame excuses to avoid doing what’s right.
It’s too humiliating. What am I going to say?
Gee, back in high school, I banged this underage chick and got the piss beat out of me by her father to avoid being charged with statutory rape?
Oh yeah, that’s a great cover story. Thanks. I’ll pass.
Just as this is all running through my head, I’m walking to the front door to let her in, and my hands start to shake.
The muscles in my face are quivering a little, too, and I realize that it’s because I know that this is going to be so difficult.
I’ve got to break her heart, and I hate it that I’ve let it go on this long.
It’s my fault. I should never have started something that I knew I couldn’t finish.
I’ll never do this again. I promised myself that I would never do this, and I’ve broken that promise to myself.
I’m so angry at me. I’m so ashamed of me.
I deserve all this heartbreak that I’ve caused myself.
The only thing is that she doesn’t deserve it. And that’s my fault, too. Asshole.
When I open the door, I look at her, and her face looks a lot like what I’m guessing mine looks like.
But instead of asking her what’s on her mind, I just invite her in, like a jackass.
I remind myself to just pull it off quick, like a bandaid.
“I’m glad you’re here, Jinny. I wanted to talk to you about something. ”
Her voice trembles slightly. “Well, is it okay if I go first?”
“Sure. Sure.” I tell her, pulling out the kitchen chair for her to sit. She’s in jeans and a t-shirt, and her hair is damp. “Have you been in the pool?”
“Yes. I go in every night. Rain or shine. It helps me...process things...think about things. And that’s why I’m here.”
I distinctly hear a crack in her voice, and I’m suddenly so scared.
She’s obviously so upset about something, and goddammit.
..I’ve got to go and break her heart on top of it all.
Damn me! My hands are trembling, my stomach is in knots, and I know that there is a stammer in my voice.
The fucking lump in my throat is almost enough that it can’t be ignored, too.
I’ve never felt more like a shit my entire life.
“What is it, baby?” I ask, and I know that we both hear the concern and the tremble as I say it.
Jinny looks down at her hands. Her face is so solemn, so sad, so full of disappointment. And I know that I’m only going to make this worse for her. God. In my next life, I’m coming back as a fucking toilet brush.
She rises, as though sitting and looking at me is just too terrible, like she can’t look me in the eyes and say what’s on her mind. “Led, I can’t...I never told you...God, I don’t even know how to say this.” Her voice cracks as she practically paces in my kitchen.
I get up off my sorry ass and go to her.
Her voice cracking is contagious. I try to fight the tears but feeling her pain and knowing that I’m only going to inflict more on her, I just don’t have the strength.
The last time I even got a little bit misty eyed was when I was six and found out that my hamster, Poo-Poo, died.
This feeling that I have for Jinny, fuck, it has to be love.
It has to be. Nothing else makes any fucking sense.
“Baby, what is it?” I beg, pulling her to me, unable to watch her grow so emotional, without offering her some sort of comfort.
“I...I can’t be with you, Led.” She says, as her glassy eyes stare back at me, with her brows furrowed and her lips quivering. “I...I never told you that I can’t....I should have told you, but I never dreamed that we would be like this together. I never knew that it would be an issue.”
I wait, forgetting about the fact that I was just about to tell her the same thing, that I couldn’t be with her.
And I don’t realize how devastating it truly is to be rejected by the one person you love.
“W...why?” A tear falls down my cheek just as one rolls down hers.
This woman has brought me to my fucking knees.
“Led, I’m sorry. I never told you this and I should have.” She explains as her voice cracks, as her chest heaves with emotion. “But I can’t give you a family. My ovaries...they don’t work, baby.” She whimpers. “I’m so sorry.” She exhales and then gasps.
My hands cup her face, as I grasp the hair at the sides of her head gently and pull her to me.
Our noses touch. Our foreheads are almost glued together.
“Baby, God...” I whimper. “God, I never thought that I would ever tell another human soul this, but...” I exhale, letting another tear fall down my cheek.
“I can’t give you children, either.” I sniffle, whimpering, squeezing her face to mine, like she’s my lifeline.
Like I want to pull her face into mine to take away her pain.
“You can’t?” She gasps.
I shake my head, stabilizing hers so that it doesn’t move with mine.
My eyes are still closed. It’s excruciating to even talk about this, but I owe it to her.
“I fucked up bad in high school. I got kicked in the nuts for it. Really bad. I shoot blanks now, baby. There’s nothing that can be done about it.
I’m as fertile as a fucking cotton ball. ”
She’s full-on crying like a baby, and it tears my fucking heart out. “I’m so sorry, Led. I’m so sorry for that. And I’m so sorry that I didn’t tell you.”
“Shhh....shhhh, baby. It’s okay. We all have our secrets. And now we both know our own. Nobody knows, okay? And nobody has to know. I’ll take this to the grave.”
I hold her tight to me still. “God, I love you, baby. I’ve never loved anyone like this.”
“I love you, too. I didn’t know it until I couldn’t stand the pain of losing you.”
“Same here. I thought I was going to have to tell you the same thing tonight. I didn’t want to take anything away from you, baby. You mean the world to me.”
“You do, too. I think I fell in love with you the first time I saw you, Led.”
I lift her face, so her gaze meets mine. “I knew I loved you the second that I saw you. I never stopped. You’ve always been mine. In my heart. In my soul. It didn’t matter in what form. It didn’t matter if you were in my life or not. I just loved you. And I’ll always love you. No matter what.”
She licks her lips. They’re swollen and wet from crying. Her eyes are reddened from tears. But no matter how much of a train wreck one would think she is right now, she’s mine, and she couldn’t be more beautiful to me when she says, “You are the only man for me. I never looked beyond you.”
I kiss her lips, drinking her in, tasting her tears, wanting so badly to take away her pain, to love her like she deserves to be loved.
My lips touch every inch of her face before I move to her neck, taking in the warmth and beauty of her flawless skin.
Our breathing is already choppy from the crying, and it adds to the hotness of taking her in this raw moment.
My chest is full of love for her, and the feeling of wanting to share that love, to comfort her, to worship her, it’s almost overwhelming.
But at the same time, it’s a feeling that I never knew I always wanted.
As her fingers touch my chest, as if sensing that fullness, that love, my cock hardens instantly.
But the difference between lust and love is coming at me like a fucking beacon.
I’ve always lusted for her, and I’ve always loved her, but now that both worlds are colliding, it’s an insurmountable feeling.
Something I wouldn’t trade for all the money or happiness in the world.
“I love you so much, baby.” I whisper against her skin.
And as my lips trail down her neck, I lift her shirt over her head, and she does the same to me.
It’s like my lips are itching to touch every inch of her.
Her whimpers change to cries. Cries of hunger.
Cries of need. Cries that only I can hear and quench. And I'm so on the case.
I have her pants off in seconds, her panties down her legs a moment later, and my mouth is on her, tasting her, pleasing her.
And as I listen to her panting and mewling, as I feel her lips and clit engorging, I can’t wait to make her come so hard, to fill her body with the love that she’s been craving, that only I can give to her.
With her thigh resting on my shoulder, I steady her as she reaches heights that only I can bring her to.
Her ass tenses as her body trembles while she comes on my mouth, and I taste her desire.
My cock aches to be inside her, to fuck her like she deserves to be fucked.
I kiss my way up her body, lowering her leg to the floor, as I loosen my pants and pull them off, and she pushes my briefs down my thighs. Her bra is off in seconds and as our naked skin touches, it’s electric. My eyes meet hers. Her pupils are dilated, her chest heaves, and her face says it all.
...I’m yours.
...and it’s the sexiest look I’ve ever seen.
Jinny