Chapter 19 Mariella #2
“Why?” I ask.
“To protect yourself. To guard your past. To—”
“Stop time travelers showing up and asking for your blood?” I joke, but Parker doesn’t smile.
“Yes! Neurovida erases all records of your former life. Birth certificates, school report cards, everything. Even your electronic footprint vanishes. We glimpse each other’s pasts during training, but eventually Neurovida teaches you to conceal every detail.”
What would it be like, getting to know someone with so many rules and stipulations? “If we couldn’t tell each other anything about ourselves, how did we get to know one another?”
Parker shrugs. “We told each other things, just nothing with identifying details. No names, dates or places. It’s not as bad as it sounds. Besides, you aren’t completely dictated by your past, are you?”
“I don’t know,” I wonder aloud. “But if you don’t know about my past, maybe you don’t know me as well as you think.”
Parker cocks an eyebrow. “You’re quiet, but it’s not because you have nothing to say.
You’re constantly mulling things over in your head, but you never have an ulterior motive.
You’re forgiving and selfless and smart.
You have a small, triangular birthmark on your left leg.
When you’re determined to do something, you won’t let anyone get in your way, including me.
Nothing gets you riled up like injustice, especially toward the people you care about.
Your favorite book’s The Night Circus, and you’d pick reading over TV any night of the week.
You’re right, I don’t know everything about your past, but I know you… better than I know myself at times.”
I’m speechless. He isn’t bluffing. Does he know the intricacies of all the members of Alpha or am I the exception?
My cheeks flush. My birthmark is high on my inner thigh, only visible if I’m wearing just swimmers or underwear. My heart skips a beat. Has he seen me naked? I take a deep breath. “What are we to one another in the future?”
A stillness washes over him. “Next question.”
“That’s not fair.”
“It’s not, but I can tell you firsthand there’s no fun in living if you know how everything’s going to turn out. Knowing things you shouldn’t isn’t healthy.”
“But there’s so much power in having that kind of knowledge. Say the world was ending. I’d want to know so I could do things before it happened.”
An intrigued smile crosses Parker’s face. “Oh yeah? Like what?”
I laugh, and Parker’s gaze tracks my hand as it covers my mouth.
“I don’t know.” I pause. “I think… maybe I’d live life a little more spontaneously?
I’d go out more with Anna—and meet her friends.
” A slow grin creeps across my face. “Start ticking off my bucket list. Buy a plane ticket last minute and live in another country. Travel the world. Throw caution to the wind and see where life takes me.”
Parker’s staring at me with wide eyes, the ghost of a smile playing on his lips. “What?” I ask.
“I like this side of you,” he says.
I scrunch my nose. “Am I different to my future self?”
Parker pauses, his mouth tugging to the side.
“A bit. In the future you’re more—” His eyes narrow.
“Shy isn’t the right word. Reserved, maybe?
” Reserved? The dream version of myself seems anything but.
“Once you got to know me, it didn’t take you long to speak your mind.
” The corner of his mouth kicks up. “Or call me on my shit. You were intelligent and beautiful, of course, as you are now.”
My cheeks warm.
“And you almost never blushed,” he adds. “You should do it, you know? Start living your life.”
I roll my eyes. “Just because I won’t give up my responsibilities and party every night doesn’t mean I’m not living my life.”
“No, but for the time we were watching you, there weren’t any classes missed or crazy nights out with Anna.”
“There was one,” I say with a scoffing laugh.
“That was after.” Parker leans toward me, and every cell in my body tingles with a nervous energy, like water simmering in a pot. “I mean it, start living. Do all those things you just said you would. You only live once, so you should live every day without regret.”
I eye him. “I’ll work on it.” Sheets rustle in the bedroom, and Rose sighs in her sleep. “What was Rose like when you first met her?”
Parker laughs. “Exactly the same as she is now. Argumentative, opinionated, angry at the world,” he says, and though his words are unkind, the light in his eyes betrays him.
I rest my head on my hand and stare up at him. “And what about you?”
“What about me?” he says with a lazy smile.
“What were you like when you got recruited?”
Parker barks out a quick laugh. “Young and dumb.”
“What’s changed?” I ask with a tiny smile, and Parker feigns offense.
“Fair call. It did take me a while to see what was right in front of me.” He stares at me with a molten thirst in his eyes, as though he won’t make the same mistake again.
My breath hitches. “What name do you call me in the future?”
“Next question.”
Damn it. “If you don’t tell me, I might pick a different name when I get recruited. What if you being here changes my decision and I’ll never know?”
Parker laughs. “I thought you weren’t going to Neurovida.”
The smile on my mouth falls. “I’m not,” I say.
“You are. And your name won’t change.”
“How can you be so sure?” I lean forward. “Have you ever tried to change the past?”
“Next question,” he says, and I huff, shrugging off the twitchy feeling in my arms.
“Isn’t it disconcerting calling me Ella after calling me something else for so long?”
Parker leans forward, his body tense, and an emotion I can’t read flickers across his face. “Yes.”
Am I making him nervous? I smile, brushing my fingertips over my lips.
Parker tilts his head, watching me with furrowed brows. “You did that in the future, too. Hid your smile. I always wondered why.”
I shrug, glancing at my hands. Why does he drag his hands through his hair when he’s at a loss, or tuck his hands into his pockets when… okay, I’m still figuring that one out.
“Look at me,” he says, a hint of anguish leaking into his tone. I glance up, and his honey-hued eyes lock with mine, holding me in place. “Your smile’s beautiful. Don’t hide it.”
His gaze drops to my mouth and my breath catches in my throat. “I don’t understand. If it’s my name, why can’t you tell me what it is?”
Parker sighs. “Why can’t you enjoy what you have now? Live in the moment. If you spend too much time focusing on the future, you might miss what’s happening here in the present.” My phone chimes again, and I pull it from my pocket. An unread message from Silas illuminates the screen.
“Do you need to get that?” Parker asks.
Shaking my head, I place the phone face down on the table. “It’s my—a guy I used to know. We’re not friends anymore.”
“I don’t mind,” he says, tilting his head.
I pick up my phone and read the message from Silas:
About to leave for work. Message when I’m back.
I roll my eyes. He’s always had a way with words. I type a quick reply and put my phone in my lap.
“All good?” Parker says.
I search for a hint of intrigue or jealousy, but I find none in his earnest gaze. “We’re planning to meet up for the first time in a while and… I’m kind of terrified.”
“Why?” he asks.
It should feel strange talking about Silas with Parker but somehow I know I could talk to him about anything.
I look down at my fingers, curling the edge of my phone case away from the screen.
“The last time I saw him, I thought he was going to ask me out but instead he cut me out of his life.” A hard mass forms beneath my ribs, and I let out a deep breath. “But that was months ago. I’m fine.”
“It’s okay if you’re not,” Parker says.
“No, I am. It’s just—he was the first person to… see me, you know?” I peer up at Parker, that pained expression still creasing the corners of his eyes.
“Was he the first person to see you, or was he the first person you let in?”
I exhale. “I don’t know.”
“Well, he’s an idiot,” Parker says. He has a talent for making my problems blow away, like dry leaves in an autumn breeze. “And I know I can’t tell you much, but seeing as I know everything about you, I can tell you that you’re much happier without him.”
I roll my eyes. “I thought you weren’t supposed to tell me things about my future.”
“You’re right, I shouldn’t.” His eyes light, a roguish smirk on his face. “But I’m slightly biased on this one. Poor old Glenn.”
“Ha. Maybe you don’t know as much as you think. His name is Silas,” I say, and Parker’s brows twitch. “What?”
He searches my face. “When I first met you, you said you’d recently broken up with a guy called Glenn. You said you got together at the start of college.”
“Well, I’m sorry to disappoint, but Silas and I were never dating, and there’s definitely no Glenn. I will keep an eye out for this mysterious stranger, though.”
“Maybe you go through a few before you get recruited,” Parker says, imitating sincerity.
I’m tempted to slap the wide, dimpled grin off his face. “What are you implying?”
“Nothing,” he says, holding his hands up in the air. “Like I said, you don’t want to have any regrets.”
I blow out a breath. “You make Neurovida sound like a life sentence.”
“Not at all. I loved it there, and you will too. But things change when you get recruited. You’ll spend every minute mastering time travel. There isn’t time for anything else.”
Every minute? “What—” My hands still. I’d thought of Neurovida as an extracurricular activity, but the way Parker’s talking about it now… “Was I not studying psychology while I was at Neurovida?”
“No. Like I said, Neurovida’s a full-time gig. Even if you have a degree, you sign it away before you walk in the door, so there’d be no record of it.”