Chapter 19 Mariella #3
My hands shift to what feels like a growing mass of concrete inside my stomach.
Until this moment, I was toying with the idea I might attend Neurovida, meet Parker, and continue my studies.
But with Parker’s words, he’s killed that fantasy.
I’ll need to choose—Neurovida and time traveling.
Him. Or clinical psychology, my plan since I was fifteen years old.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything,” Parker says. “This is why knowing things about your future isn’t good.” His eyebrows draw up. “What’s wrong?”
“I just—never considered the possibility that I’d do anything with my life besides psychology.”
“You know, you can be a time traveler and still help people. Look at what you just did for Rose, and your powers aren’t even at full strength.”
I shake my head, pressing my palms into my eyes.
“Please talk to me,” Parker says. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
I drop my hands from my face. “It’s stupid, but I’d convinced myself if I became a psychologist, I might finally be normal.”
Parker’s irises darken to a burnt bronze, dragging from my fingers, twisted within the fabric of my sleeve, and up to my face.
His eyes dart back and forth between mine, as if looking for something beyond them, and he releases a slow breath.
“But Ella, you’re not normal. You’ll never be anything short of incredible. ”
Heat crawls up my neck, and I force myself to hold his stare. “It doesn’t feel that way.”
“Doesn’t make it any less true.” His hand flexes, as if he wants to reach out and touch me.
As if he’s forgotten he can’t. “I wish you could see what I do,” he says, and with a forced exhale, his hand drops to his side, curling into a tight fist. “I hate being stuck like this. With no control over my life. I don’t want to sound ungrateful to Rose for everything she’s doing for me, because I am grateful, but,”—his jaw tenses—“I want my traveling back.”
How differently we view time travel. He’d kill to have his powers back, while I’d pay for someone to take mine away. And if interacting with the past has no influence on the future besides altering memories—
“Why?” I ask.
“Why wouldn’t I?” he asks, tilting his head to the side.
“Because time travel’s the source of all your problems. Without your powers, you’d have a normal life. You wouldn’t be different anymore.”
Parker shakes his head. “These powers don’t make us different, Ella. They make us special. We can literally jump through space and time. Plus, being a time traveler lets you relive any memory you want. It’s a gift.”
I let out a self-deprecating laugh. “Living each day once is more than enough for me.”
He searches my face. “Can I ask you a question?” he asks, and I nod. “When we first met after McGregor’s lecture, why did you get upset about me calling you Mari?”
My stomach twists. “It was my nickname as a kid.”
We sit in silence, and my skin crawls.
“Ella,” Parker says softly, but I can’t bring myself to look at him.
“I’m afraid if I tell you, it’ll change the way you see me,” I whisper.
“It won’t,” he says.
“You say that now, but maybe it’s only because the rules at Neurovida didn’t let me tell you about my past.”
“Ella, when we met, I was a mess. I was so wrapped up in my own depression, I didn’t care who I hurt.
You saw every ugly side of me, and you forgave me.
Repeatedly. I wasn’t worthy of you then, and I’m not worthy of you now.
But it kills me to know you’ll go to Neurovida and keep secrets from me.
” He runs another hand through his hair.
“And being here with you now, before you’re recruited…
I know it’s wrong. But it’s made me realize…
” He tilts his head to the ceiling, as if offering a silent prayer.
“What?” I whisper, my heart in my throat.
He turns his body toward me, golden eyes filled with grief as they lock with mine. “I want to know everything about you, Ella,” he says, echoing my earlier thoughts. “Your dreams for the future and your favorite childhood memories. Once you get recruited, most of your life becomes a secret.”
My fingers are tangled in the fabric of my sleeve when Parker’s hand settles above mine. My heart sinks because I’m desperate to feel the weight of it, for the touch of his fingertips and the warmth of his skin.
“Please trust me?” he begs.
“I do trust you,” I say, and truer words have never left my mouth.
His voice thickens. “Then tell me,” he says, his voice raw, and it feels as if I’m standing at a precipice.
If I take this step, something will change.
Between us and within myself. Something I won’t come back from.
But that’s the thing about Parker, he makes me want to be brave. To be seen. He makes me want to jump.
I suck in a deep breath. “My mom used to call me Mari. She was my favorite person in the world. Every weekend we’d go to the pier and read by the ocean.
When I started school, I couldn’t understand why no one else loved books as much as me…
But she did.” I let out a sad laugh and wipe the silent tears off my cheeks.
“When she got sick, she sent me to boarding school. She said it’d only be for a little while.
” The words tear at the dormant scar scorched across my heart.
“The kids used to sneak around at night and play games. In my first week, they dragged me out of bed to use a Ouija board. I felt so sick. One minute I was in the library, and the next I was outside, naked. It was like I blacked out, or something. Things got worse after that. Some girls made it their mission to torment me.”
A cold shiver races up my spine. I can still feel their hands on me.
Holding me down, covering my mouth to stifle my screams. The crunching of the scissors as they hack the hair from my head.
“They cut holes in my uniforms, snuck into my room and ripped the pages from all my books. Vandalized the walls of my room.” The curling, red letters of Mad Mari are burned behind my eyelids.
Their eyes were always on me, waiting for their next chance to taunt me.
Goosebumps blossom over my arms. “They started calling me Mad Mari, and the nickname’s still a trigger for me. ”
“Ella,” Parker says, pulling me back to the present. “That night at school, I don’t think you blacked out. I think you time traveled.”
My gaze snaps to his. “What?”
“When we first learned to travel at Neurovida, everyone left pieces of clothing behind. It took one guy in the group over two months to learn to keep anything on when he traveled.” Parker laughs.
“I couldn’t tell you the number of times I had to watch him run naked from the room.
And he was an adult. As a child, you’d have no control at all, let alone enough to travel your clothes with you.
It’s rare to time travel at such a young age, but it’s the only reasonable explanation.
Normal kids don’t just black out and come to, naked. ”
“But I’m not normal, Parker,” I say, shaking my head. “Sometimes I get paranoid I’m being watched, and it worsens by the day.”
“I used to get that too, especially at Neurovida. I think it stems from watching yourself in your sub-t.”
The blood drains from my face. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been afraid.
Of my past and my paranoia. Of ending up like my mother, standing out and being different.
But time travel readily explains my strange electrical symptoms and vivid dreams. Could it really explain my paranoia too?
I study the square of night sky visible through the kitchen window.
“So, you’re saying…” I stare at Parker with wide eyes. “That nothing’s wrong with me?”
Parker’s brows rise, a smile tugging at his lips. “Well, I mean—you have terrible taste in men.”
A laugh bursts from my mouth. “I’ve spent my whole life believing something was wrong with me… that I’d never belong anywhere.”
The smile on Parker’s face falls. “You belong at Neurovida, Ella.” His voice softens. “With me.”
His words tug at a hidden, sealed part of my chest. Is Parker right? Do I belong at Neurovida? With him, and the other Alphas? Even Rose?
“Why do you act differently toward me around Rose?” I ask, surprising myself with the directness of my question. “And when you and Rose first told me about time travel, and I recalled my dream, my sub-t I mean, why did you act as if nothing happened?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” he says, his gaze searching mine.
“No.” Parker and Rose’s relationship is unusual, but it’s obvious they care for one another.
The heartbreaking concern on Parker’s face when Rose was unwell couldn’t be faked.
Neither could the tenderness in his hand as he brushed the hair from her forehead.
An icy burn prickles my chest. “Is it because you have feelings for her?”
“What?” Parker stills, his face scrunched. “Rose and I are—friends, and I didn’t rehash your sub-t in front of her because that memory is ours. And it’s private.” He finishes in a raised voice.
The sudden silence rings in my ears. “I—I’m sorry,” I whisper.
He stares at his large hands. “I don’t want you to be sorry,” he murmurs.
“None of this is your fault, and I shouldn’t be getting defensive.
Not with you.” His dark blond brows crease, and he looks across at the empty space where a sofa should sit.
“It’s—Being a time traveler gives you access to a vault of your best memories in perfect detail.
I’ve lost that, and now it feels like those memories are slipping away.
If I’m being honest, I’m struggling with it. ”
My heart sinks. What I’d give to take his pain away. “They’re not gone. They’re still in your memory.”
The corner of his mouth lifts into a sad smile.
“It’s not the same thing. The most endearing qualities of a person lie in the small details.
Their unique mannerisms, the way they pronounce certain words, or the way they—” His gaze darts to my mouth, his voice dropping to a whisper. “I don’t want to forget.”
“You won’t, and as soon as you get your powers back, you’ll be able to jump in and out of them whenever you want.”
He leans back on the table. “I hope so,” he says, more to himself.
“I’m sorry if I’ve been acting weird around Rose.
I guess when she’s not here, it’s so easy to forget—” He exhales, struggling to find the right words.
“It’s too easy to slip back into the way things were.
With you.” He shakes his head. “The truth is, I promised Rose I’d stay away from you, and when she’s around, I’m reminded of that promise. ”
“Why does she want you to stay away from me?”
“For your safety. And so our memories don’t split when we go home. It’s also part of the oath we took at Neurovida. Rose will be furious when she finds out how long you were here.” He rubs the back of his neck, thoughts spinning behind his unfocused gaze.
After a moment of silence, the realization dawns on me. “You want me to leave,” I state.
He looks up at me, his pleading eyes piercing my soul. “No. That’s the thing. I want you to stay. Too much. And every second I spend with you, I’m reminded that if I don’t get my powers back I might—” His voice cracks, tension rippling through his body. “And I can’t even hold you.”
Pressure clamps around my heart. “I’ll go,” I say, standing and slinging my satchel over my shoulder. Parker edges off the table with a soft groan and walks me to the front door. “Can I come back in the morning to check on Rose?” I ask.
Parker’s gaze softens. “Of course.”
I offer a tiny smile and open the door. “I’ll bring bandages for your chest.”
“Thanks. And Ella?”
I halt with my hand on the door handle. “Yes?”
“Please don’t mention the whole anchor thing to Rose. She doesn’t like accepting help, and she doesn’t know I used to do it at Neurovida. She’d kill me if she knew I—”
I hold up my hand and offer him another smile. “Parker, it’s fine. I won’t say anything.”
He releases a breath. “Thanks.”
We stare at each other for a moment, unspoken words hanging between us.
What would he say if he hadn’t promised Rose to stay away from me?
What would he do if he hadn’t lost his powers?
If he could hold me? I want to ask him, but every second I stay, I’m forcing him to choose between me and keeping his word to Rose, so I turn and let myself out.