18. Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Eighteen
Liam
G uilt drags me beneath turbulent waves of despair. A physical ache that throbs in my bones, a brand seared into the fiber of my soul.
How could I have done this?
How could I have hurt the one person in this world who means everything to me?
Bile rises when I see her terrified face in my mind when my claws sank into her flesh and my jaw was wrapped around her throat. There are no excuses, no justifications. I attacked my mate, the other half of my soul. My wolf took control and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it. I tried so hard to fight my wolf, to claw my way back to the surface and regain control but the barrier grew wider and harder no matter how hard I struggled.
My wolf was feral, and my human side was fading away behind an impenetrable barrier. No matter how I screamed, how I pounded against that divide, I couldn't get through. Couldn't reach him, couldn't make him understand.
I had found my mate. Her soul had anchored mine. It should have been impossible for my wolf to turn feral, yet the impossible still happened.
Rowan, sadistic bastard that he is, has somehow corrupted our bond. His dark magic didn't just lock my wolf, it divided my soul in two. Shame and self-loathing claw at my insides. Nothing I can do will ever make up for this. There will be no forgiveness.
There should be no forgiveness.
And yet when I look at the miracle standing in front of me, it's not terror or revulsion that greets me in the depths of her beautiful hazel eyes. There's only love, pure and shining, and a sense of overwhelming wonderment.
Somehow, impossibly...my sweet, precious mate has shifted into a sleek, magnificent wolf.
Her fur is a riot of russet and cream, the colors shimmering in the soft light. Her muzzle is a stark white against the vibrant hues of her coat, her eyes a piercing hazel that glow with the same otherworldly energy I know so well.
She's breathtaking .
Ethereal.
A creature of beauty and grace. Even as she dances excitedly around me on nimble paws, I can hardly believe she’s real.
Joy and excitement pulse through our bond, the innocent elation of her wolf's soul reaching out to caress my own. She yips and chirps, nuzzling against me in a playful invitation to join her. How I wish I could. How I long to surrender to the simple pleasures of our bond and let our wolves play.
But I can't.
All I feel is a sickening sense of remorse. Guilt weighs me down, a tar pit of recrimination because I’m the reason she was hurt.
I nearly destroyed her.
Taylor senses my turmoil through the bond and I wish just this once that there was no bond. That I could save her from myself. Confusion blossoms within her, quickly followed by a gentle sort of pleading as she tries to soothe me with nuzzles and licks.
It breaks my heart to feel her adoration. She doesn't understand. Not fully. She's a newborn wolf, filled with nothing but wonder. Complex human emotions are lost on her, too hard to process.
All she wants is the joy of her mate. All that matters to her in this form is the simple pleasure of my company. Another lick trails across my cheek as she tries to understand.
My wolf howls in anguish, pressing against the barrier I’ve thrown up between us. He wants to be free, to run and play too, but there’s no way I’ll let him pass. Not after what he’s done. He may be my other half but he's also a threat. He’s a danger I can no longer risk.
Anguish washes over me in waves, a bottomless sorrow that leaves me hollow and gutted. Because I know what I have to do. The only course of action that will keep Taylor safe from me.
I have to ask Mitch to cull me.
It’s the only way
My wolf howls in anguish, a keening cry that echoes through my mind. He butts against the barrier, desperate to break free, to join his mate in the joyous celebration of their bond. The way he should be able to, but I won't let him. Won't ever again give him the chance to hurt Taylor, to visit upon her the same brutality he...I... inflicted.
He slinks back into the shadows. His grief is a tangible thing, thick and suffocating and threatens to drag me down into the inky depths of despair. Good. He should suffer. Should feel every bit of the agony he's brought upon us.
Taylor’s confusion buffets us. I force myself to meet Taylor’s gaze, to witness the confusion and hurt that cloud in her eyes.
“I'm sorry, love but I can't play with you now.”
Taylor’s wolf whines, a pitiful sound that lances through me. She nuzzles against me, her emotions a chaotic whirl of longing and desperation, a wordless plea for me to reconsider but there’s no way I can shift. Not if I want to keep her safe.
“I need you to shift back. There are things I need to say, things that only your human self can understand. And I promise, once we've talked...I'll shift too. We can run and play together, just like you want.”
It's a lie and it makes me hate myself more.
Understanding flickers through our bond, followed by a shimmering in the air around Taylor's wolf. Her form blurs and shifts, fur receding and bones realigning until she's kneeling before me, gloriously naked and achingly beautiful.
She falls into my arms with a choked sob, my name a litany on her lips as she peppers kisses across my face. Relief and joy flood through our connection, twining with the ever-present thrum of her love. Love I know I don't deserve, not after what I've done.
“I'm so happy you're back,” she whispers, her voice thick with emotion. “I was so worried, Liam. When Mitch and Zane found us in the forest, you were unconscious. So much has happened...”
She cups my cheek, her touch infinitely gentle. Wonder fills her eyes as she continues, “I shifted, Liam. I don't know how, but...my ring saved you. A power traveled through it, like it did in the cell when it incapacitated Rowan.”
I nod, remembering the blinding flash of golden light, the way it shattered the barrier dividing me from my wolf. In that moment, I felt whole again, the fractures in my soul knitting back together under the onslaught of that incredible magic.
“Elara says it was the Goddess,” Taylor murmurs, awe coloring her tone. “Lunarith is the golden angel who came to me in the cell. She's helping us, Liam. She brought you back to me!”
Self-loathing is a bitter poison on my tongue. I don't deserve the Goddess's intervention, don't merit a second chance after the horrors I've wrought. My gaze darts around, seeing for the first time she’s brought me back to safety and the familiar confines of the 'Bite'.
“The Goddess herself,” I whisper.
Taylor frowns, no doubt picking up on my emotions churning through our bond. “Liam, listen to me. What happened...it wasn't you. The wolf that attacked me, that wasn't the man I love, nor was he your wolf.”
She takes my face in her hands, her touch a brand against my skin. “I'm not blaming you for anything. In fact, I'm thanking you. For protecting me in Rowan's cell, for getting us to safety in the forest. If it wasn't for you and your wolf, we'd probably be dead by now.”
I shake my head, a mirthless laugh escaping my lips. “That's the bare minimum I should do for you, Taylor. You deserve so much more than a mate who can't even control his own beast.”
Gently, I push her away, putting distance between us as I slump against the wall. A headache throbs against the inside of my skull. “I hurt you. I let you down in the worst possible way. It's unforgivable.”
Taylor straddles my lap, her arms winding around my neck as she presses her naked form against mine. Her scent envelops me, that heady aroma of woodland roses and soft femininity that I crave like a drug.
“Liam, listen to me,” she breathes, her forehead resting against my own. “The bond may show me what you feel, but it doesn't take away my free will. And I'm choosing you, Liam. I love you. I want you, all of you, man and wolf.”
Her essence floods through our connection, a tidal wave of pure, unconditional love that staggers me with its intensity. I'm humbled by it, awed by the sheer depth of her devotion. I know I shouldn't accept it, shouldn't let her absolve me of my sins...but oh, how I want to.
Suddenly, the bond pulses with a golden light, warm and soothing. A powerful awareness brushes against my mind, ancient and infinite, yet strangely familiar. Taylor gasps, her eyes widening.
“Do you feel that?” she whispers, wonder suffusing her tone. “It's Lunarith. She's here, Liam. She's with us.”
I do feel it - a presence that wraps around my battered soul. A voice whispers through my thoughts, gentle yet implacably strong.
You are not to blame, my child. What was done to you, the darkness forced upon your soul...it was a violation of the highest order. But I am here now, and I will guide you through the aftermath of this wrong.
The voice suffuses me with warmth that chases away the chill of despair. Honor your mate. Cherish the gift of her love, for it is what brought you back from the abyss. I will not forsake my children.
The presence fades, but the glow of forgiveness remains, a steadfast light amidst the shadows of my heart, and then I realize that the unconditional acceptance that still wraps around me comes from Taylor.
“I love you, Liam. You don't have to be anything other than who you are. I'm choosing you, all of you, just as I know you chose me before I knew who I was to you,” she says softly, her lips brushing the shell of my ear.
She pulls back, her eyes locking with my own. “You can't ask anything of yourself that you wouldn't ask of me. So please, forgive yourself, as I have forgiven you.”
Her words are a blazing arrow of light that shatters the darkness into a million glittering shards.
Because she's right.
If our roles were reversed, if it was Taylor who had succumbed to Rowan's magic...I would move heaven and earth to convince her of the same.
How can I deny her the same unwavering faith?
Slowly, tentatively, I let myself sink into her embrace, allowing her love to wash over me in cleansing waves. My wolf stirs, feeling a glimmer of hope beneath the weight of his grief. Taylor reaches out to him through our bond, her soul touching his with a gentleness that makes my heart ache.
“I forgive you too. The violence was not your fault,” she whispers. “My wolf would like to meet you.”
A whine escapes my throat, my wolf pressing against the barrier. He wants to go to her, to accept the forgiveness she's offered so freely.
“I'm not human anymore, Liam. I'm a shifter now, and I need my shifter mate. I can't live without my wolf, without the other half of my soul.” She takes my face in her hands, her gaze searing into my own. “Please, Liam. I'm begging you...accept both sides of me, as I accept both sides of you. We deserve each other. We deserve this happiness.”
I want to be the mate she needs me to be, not the mate who’s eaten by guilt. I want to be the best possible version of both sides of myself for her. The last of my resistance crumbles, the walls I've erected disintegrating into dust. Her love and forgiveness are too strong. I know I don’t deserve her, but I’m going to make it my mantra for the rest of my life to show her the best possible me. I surge forward, capturing her lips with my own in a kiss that sears my very soul.
“I love you,” I rasp against her mouth. “I choose you, Taylor. Always and forever.”
And as I let myself dissolve into her embrace, as I finally allow the shattered pieces of my soul to knit back together... rightness settles over me, limitless and unshakable.
This is where I belong. At the side of my mate, my partner in all things. The woman who sees the darkest parts of me and loves me anyway, fiercely and without reservation.
Together, we'll find a way to heal the wounds Rowan has dealt us. It won't be easy. The scars on my spirit, and on Taylor's, are deep and raw. It will take time and patience and no small amount of faith to mend what has been broken.
But we'll do it together. Hand in hand, heart to heart. Two souls forever entwined.
Mates, in every sense of the word.
And as I lose myself in the haven of Taylor's arms, as I let her love fill up the empty spaces carved into my being...I finally allow myself to breathe.
To hope.
To heal.