Chapter 3
CHAPTER
THREE
ASPEN
Yawning, I walk into the kitchen to grab myself a snack.
I always thought I wanted to live a life where I didn’t need a job and could stay home all the time, but now that I am living that life, I have to say, it’s for the birds.
I feel like I no longer have purpose. I’m stuck inside my head most of the time, overthinking what I did wrong and what life would be like if I had made different choices.
It’s so exhausting.
So when I walk into the kitchen to find Lisa, Kim, Maggie, and Rain sitting around the island chatting, for once, I’m grateful for the distraction.
“Aspen, come join us. We are having lunch,” Kim offers, pushing out the stool next to her.
“Thank you. What are you all doing here?” I ask, taking my spot.
“We are working on the charity carnival we are putting on. The club contracted with a traveling carnival and agreed to pay their fee to come here. In return, they donate half of all their profits to the Mountain River Charity Fund.”
“Wow. That sounds amazing,” I tell them honestly.
“It really is. Do you want to help?” Lisa asks.
I hesitate. I do need purpose, but I am still wary of leaving the compound at all.
I still feel like something bad will happen if I do.
I know it’s in my head. My therapist even warned me it may take me some time to be able to go out in public again, but that I should try if I can. Still, I am not sure.
“I’ll think about it.”
“You take all the time you need,” Maggie tells me.
I love her. She’s my best friend, but her understanding only adds to the weight on me.
“I’m going to make myself a cup of coffee. Does anyone want one?” I ask.
They all say no and continue to chat while I walk to the other side of the kitchen. I’m pouring myself a mug when Kim comes up and leans against the counter next to me.
“How are you really doing? No need to hide your feelings with me.”
Kim is a sweet woman. There is something so motherly in her face. I find myself wanting to tell her my struggles, so I do.
Looking over at the others, I’m relieved they are entranced in their own conversation that they are not paying attention to ours.
I sigh. “I’m doing as well as can be expected in the situation. There are still so many feelings inside that are knotted up. I don’t know how to unravel them.”
“First, you need to identify them. Then accept them and move on.”
“I don’t think I can ever move on. It feels impossible. I feel like this will weigh on me for the rest of my life.”
She gives me a sad smile. “Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting.
The pain and trauma live inside of you forever.
Moving on means accepting what happened but deciding it will not dictate how you live your life.
It will always be part of you and what shaped who you are as a person, but it doesn’t need to define you. ”
“What about the guilt?” I choke out. “It’s the guilt that overwhelms me.”
Understanding dawns on her face. “Guilt is a funny thing. Whether real or perceived, it can really bring you down. It is an inevitable part of life. Maybe it’s guilt because you ate the last piece of cake when someone else wanted it, or it could be guilt that you lied to someone. Either way, guilt is a part of life.”
“I feel guilty for my actions that led us here. I put Maggie in danger. I worried my brother and started a war he didn’t need. Asher…” I trail off, unable to voice my guilt over him.
“Guilt is normal. Let yourself feel it. Evaluate why you are feeling it. Acknowledge what you did to invoke the feelings, and then make a list of amends that need to be made. Then make them sincerely. It’s not a fast process.
Making amends won’t magically make the feeling disappear, but it will help ease it, and over time, you will learn to put it in the past and focus on your future.
It is okay to show yourself some compassion. ”
“That’s easier said than done,” I admit.
“That it is, but nothing worth having is ever easy. If you want peace of mind, you have to put in the work and earn it.”
I nod before stepping in to give her a hug. She hugs me back hard, making me wish I’d had a mother like her growing up. Maybe I wouldn’t be as fucked up as I am now.
Pulling away, I wipe away the tears forming in the corner of my eye.
“Thank you, Kim. That gives me something to think about.”
“Of course, dear. Come join us when you are ready.”
She winks at me as she walks back to the island and joins the conversation. I don’t know if she means join them at the table or back in the land of the living, but either way, I feel like I’m ready.
Filling a coffee cup, I head back to the island, taking my spot.
“The guys wanted to do something fun. We considered a dunk tank, but I’m not sure that’s sustainable,” Maggie admits.
“I suggested a kissing booth,” Rain says.
Lisa snorts. “Really? How’d that go over?”
“Ridge told me that he would kill any man dumb enough to put his lips on mine. So then I told him that I could kiss anyone I wanted and asked why he cared, and he spouted some shit off about a promise made to my father and keeping me innocent or some shit. I’m not as innocent as they all think. ” Rain rolls her eyes.
“Don’t let Ridge hear you say that,” Maggie mutters.
Kim laughs. “The guys can get pretty protective of us girls, but I agree. A kissing booth isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. What if you have to kiss someone you don’t want to? Or you get mono from kissing all those people.”
Rain scrunches her nose. “You’re right. It was just an idea.”
“What about water balloons? We could set up some targets they would have to hit. Those carnival prizes are cheap, so we could have different tiers. If they play so many times and win, they get the big prize,” I offer.
“That’s a great idea, and even the younger kids could play.” Lisa smiles at me.
“We could do three shots for ten dollars, with emphasis that the money is going to charity to help the community. Maybe even highlight some good the club has done in the community this year,” Maggie adds.
“Yes, that way they won’t bat an eye at spending that much,” Rain says. “Smart.”
“We could even put a donation jar at the booth so if they feel generous, they can donate some money without playing,” I muse.
“That’s a great idea. So does that mean you’ll help?” Kim asks.
I look at her, remembering her words.
Put it in the past.
“Yeah. Yeah, I will.”
ASHER
I have this itching feeling under my skin. It’s like I am jonesing, but only one thing will make it better.
I haven’t seen Aspen in two days.
It is by design. I have been keeping my distance to give her space. As much as I want to be the one she is seeking comfort from, I know if I push too hard, I will push her away.
So instead, I’ve kept myself busy and away from the clubhouse as much as possible. I have been dying to ask how she is, but I don’t want to come off as too strong. Prospecting here is a delicate balance. One wrong move could see me kicked out and never able to see Aspen again.
That might just kill me.
“Everyone here?” Panther asks.
“Why is the prospect here?” Yak asks.
I guard the gate with him most, but even with the small amount of respect I have earned, they are still wary of me.
“This pertains to him. First item on the agenda is the carnival. Magpie, Kim, Lisa, and Rain are organizing our booth. They have not decided what they will be doing, but all proceeds will go to the charity fund. After the event, I have some ideas on what we can do for the community, but we can go over that when we get there. I want everyone to make themselves available for the women. If they need help, you give it,” Panther starts.
“We will set up a group of guys to set the booth up and take it down, so they don’t have to lift anything. I also think it would be a good idea to have a group of us circling the carnival in case of any trouble. One guy can stay at the tent and be on call in case anyone needs backup,” Eagle adds.
“I will be on cameras. You can’t pay me enough money to willingly go into that cesspool.” Meek shivers as if he is truly horrified.
“That is where your skills are best suited. If anyone needs to step away, Meek will keep an eye on the girls.” Panther nods in his direction.
“Is everything arranged with the carnies?” Ridge asks.
“Josh said they will plan to be here and set up on Monday morning. They will be up and ready to operate by Thursday and stay until the following Monday. Meek is running background checks on all workers. If any don’t pass our test, they will be asked to skip this one,” Eagle informs the group.
“Good. We don’t need to bring any danger into our city,” Yak adds.
Dove is next to speak. “I would like to go out on Thursday morning and bless the site. Please inform Josh I will be there early and that anyone is welcome to tag along.”
“I will,” Panther tells him. “Anything else regarding the carnival?”
When no one responds, he nods to everyone.
“Moving on. The last run was successful, thanks in part to our prospect. His keen eye saved us from a disaster. So while we normally do not give prospects a cut of the run, I would like to vote to give him a small cut. Five percent. Would anyone like to oppose?” Panther asks.
No one speaks up.
“Everyone in agreement?”
“Aye,” rings out.
“Done. Talon, please disperse the cuts.”
I watch as Talon pulls out a stack of envelopes. The ones going to the members actually on the ride are thicker than the others. Mine is the smallest of them all, but the money doesn’t matter to me.
I take the envelope from Talon and set it on the table.
“I would like to donate my cut to the charity,” I tell the table.
“You don’t need to. We already donate a percentage to the charity.”
I nod. “I know, but I don’t need much to survive. The club provides for me, so the money is inconsequential to me. I would rather it go to a good cause.”
Panther stares me down for several moments before he nods. “Keep three hundred of it. For anything you might need. The rest we will accept as a donation.”
I want to argue, but I don’t. I nod my thanks instead, doing as he asks before handing the envelope back to Talon.
“The next run is in two days. I want the prospect on it again. Take up the back of the pack and keep your eyes peeled. I don’t think it was a coincidence that we ran into issues on the last one. I am betting this one will be the same,” Panther orders.
“I’ll head it this time,” Talon offers. “Eagle has been leading many of them. I’ll take Trout and Dove along with the prospect. Ridge can help me plan a different route.”
“Thank you for stepping up. Anyone opposed to this plan?”
When no one speaks, he nods. “Everyone in agreement?”
“Aye,” rings out once more.
“Great. Let’s get to it then.” He bangs his gavel, dismissing us.
As I stand to leave, Panther calls out my name. I wait until everyone is gone before I go to sit by his side.
“That was honorable, but not needed. They are still wary, but you are earning your place,” he tells me.
“I know, but I meant what I said. I don’t have any reason for the money.”
“What about your sister?” he asks.
I frown. “She knows I’m doing things that she can’t be around. I set her up before I was fired so that she will always be taken care of.”
“Still, you don’t need to be a martyr. You will find your place here.”
“I hope so, but we both know that’s not why I’m here,” I remind him.
“How is she?” he asks suddenly.
“I wish I knew,” I admit.
“So that’s why you have been offering to take extra jobs outside the clubhouse. You don’t want to be near her anymore?” he asks.
“I don’t want her to regress. If keeping my distance is helping her, then that’s what I’ll do.”
He nods. “Well, maybe I need some more help around here. Can’t have you avoiding her forever.”
“Whatever you need, Pres.”
“You’re dismissed,” he tells me.
I leave the room itching to seek her out, but I turn and head toward the back door instead.
When I hear a laugh, I pause at the door of the kitchen. Peeking in, I see her smiling with the other women. It makes my heart feel lighter.
She’s doing okay.
That’s all I ever wanted.
So I don’t make my presence known. Instead, I slip out the back door and away from the place I now call home.