Chapter 14
I’m driving us away from her father’s place, and my mind is racing. The silence between us isn’t uncomfortable, but it’s full of things we’ve never said, and I need to breathe.
“Are you good?” she asks.
“Yeah I’m good. Why wouldn't I be.”
“Look I'm sorry that my dad didn't want you to come in.”
“No, please don't do that. I carried you there for you. For you and him. It's the least I could do,” I reply.
“What did you do?”
“I went to the park. Met a fan apparently,” I say, smiling to myself.
“A fan?”
“Yeah some girl.”
It doesn't escape me that Gabby goes quiet for a second. Oh no. She’s going to get the wrong idea.
“Nothing happened and it's not like that. I don't know this woman. She's someone who apparently saw me on TV and wanted an autograph.”
“An autograph? Wow Mr. Bigshot over here,” Gabrielle smiles.
The smile on my face feels like it gets wider. “Never thought of myself as a big shot.”
“That's just your imaginary humble trying to convince me that it exists because I know damn well you're proud as hell. Look at your face. I bet she was pretty too,” Gabby says.
The heat in my face starts rising.
“See I told you.”
“Yes she was pretty,” I admit.
“Did you ask her out?”
“No, I did not ask her out.”
“Why not? That was a perfect opportunity if she was feeling you,” Gabby smiles, but something tells me she doesn’t mean it.
After what she revealed to me recently and the things we said to each other, I know for certain she’s not as over me as she tries to pretend. She’s probably over my bullshit, but her heart still cares. Would she really be okay with me moving on with someone else?
“I’m going to be honest with you, I thought about it,” the words spill out of my mouth.
“I know you did,” she says, and I can’t tell if she’s being sarcastic or not.
She never used to be this sarcastic with me, so sometimes I miss it because I’m not expecting it. The fact that she’s not making eye contact, staring straight out the windshield, tells me she’s not okay with it.
“Well I didn’t.”
“Why not?” she asks, genuinely curious it seems.
My shoulder lifts in a shrug. “Don’t need the additional drama. I’m not going to be able to prioritize her. I already broke one woman's heart. The one that mattered the most. So why would I burden someone else with the piece of shit that I am?”
It’s quiet for a few seconds. Every word I said, I mean.
“Don’t do that to yourself, Link. One day…
you’re going to move on and so am I. Look…
maybe it didn't work out with us but it might with the next person. Maybe you’ll learn from your mistakes.
At least if you're smart you will, but then again you're still working at this job still with your coworker so honestly unless your new girlfriend’s going to be okay with you sleeping with another woman maybe you should wait until you're in a better situation or I don't know… just date Sarah like everyone thinks you already are.”
This doesn’t sit right with me.
“I'm not dating Sarah.”
“It's not me you have to convince.”
“I'm not trying to convince anybody. I mean it is what it is. And I called off… I mean she…” I start to say.
Now Gabby turns to look at me. Stopped at a red light, I glance over at her.
“I told her that I don't want to have sex with her anymore,” I admit.
One quick concise laugh escapes her. “What a lie,” she remarks.
“I'm still attracted to her of course but…” I trail off.
“Why? Why all of a sudden? Haven’t you been screwing her for like 2 years?” Gabby challenges, her eyes narrowing on me.
What am I supposed to say?
That I was dumb enough to believe there was a chance she and I could end up together again?
That I didn’t want Sarah to get in the way of that?
That the moment I saw Gabby at the restaurant, every bit of hope I lost came flooding back?
All of that would sound pathetic.
“She’s getting a bit clingy,” is all I manage.
“A bit clingy?” Gabby says like she doesn’t believe me.
I clear my throat.
“Hey… I was thinking,” I say, my voice sounding too casual to be natural. “There’s that little Waterfront Holiday Market downtown. The one that stays open on Christmas for tourists.”
She lifts her brows slightly, waiting, probably wondering why I changed the hell out of the subject.
“I thought maybe we could go,” I add. “Get some food. They’ve got those empanadas you like. And that bakery still makes those dumb reindeer cookies with the pretzel antlers.”
Her mouth twitches like she’s fighting a smile.
I exhale and push through the rest of it.
“And, uh… maybe after that, we could take some plates out to the jetty. Feed the seagulls.”
A beat.
“Give them a Christmas too.”
Her head turns toward me. I don’t look at her.
I can’t. But I feel the warmth of her smile anyway.
“You whiplashed the fuck out of that conversation,” she says, releasing that warm laugh of hers that makes me feel like I’m going to melt right into my seat.
My own laughter pours out. “I did.”
After we laugh for a while, I quiet.
“It’s just that I don’t want to talk about Sarah on Christmas.
I never thought I would ever get to spend Christmas with you again and…
I know we're never going to be married or be a couple again but…
I still care for you… and you're still a part of my life and…
I can't think of anybody else I want to spend Christmas with.”
“Interesting. Even though you're not getting sex out of it,” she muses, narrowing her eyes.
“Even if I'm not getting any sex out of it. Although the sex I did have with you was… damn,” I say, shaking my head, trying not to crash.
“Would you stop that,” she laughs.
It’s good seeing her in a good mood.
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