Chapter 34
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
NORA
“You don’t have to worry,” I tell my mother, nearly hysterical. “I know I’m not good enough for him. I couldn’t be. I’m going to let him go. He should go.”
I’ve been talking to—no, at—my mom for the past thirty minutes on the way back to Asheville, telling her everything.
Okay, obviously I didn’t tell her about our seven minutes in heaven or anything else sexual, but the rest of the story came pouring out, as if she were my confessor.
Because maybe she needed to be.
My mother is the one my father lied to, the one he used.
She’ll know whether I’m like him.
My mom, who is the safest driver I know, other than Cormac, comes to an abrupt stop at a red light, and my body slams against the seat belt.
I stare at her in surprise and find her teacher face on full display. This isn’t my mother anymore—this is Mrs. Applebaum-Peebles, second-grade teacher. Winner of multiple Teacher of the Year awards.
“Why on earth would you say you’re not good enough for him?”
“I’m not. He’s been so good to me, and what did I do? I got him punched in the face.”
“And I’ll tell you what I tell all of my students at school. The person who throws the punch is the one who’s responsible for it.” She gives me a harsh look. “You didn’t punch him in the face. José did, and he’ll be getting an earful from me about it the next time I see him.”
“It doesn’t matter.” I stare into my lap, wondering where Cormac is now. Is he on the helicopter? Is he worried about me?
I couldn’t face him again after that conversation with Kenji, not yet.
“I rather think it does,” my mom says in a blustery voice as she starts driving again. “You’re not responsible for that punch, and my daughter is good enough for any man.”
“I’m a liar. I’m more like Dad than like you. He always said so. So did you.”
She stiffens, then abruptly pulls into the parking lot of a Wendy’s. My mother does not eat at Wendy’s.
She parks the car and turns in her seat to fully face me.
“You are like your father.”
Well, shit. I guess I was asking for it.
She reaches over and lifts my chin, forcing me to meet her gaze. “You’re funny and fierce and driven. Like your father. People are complicated, Nora. Just because he’s…an asshole doesn’t mean he doesn’t have any good qualities. I wouldn’t have stayed with him for so long otherwise.”
“Oh my God,” I exclaim, “I think this is the second time in my life that I’ve heard you swear.”
She gives me a prim smile. “Don’t get used to it.
” She stares intently at me for a moment and then tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.
“Unlike your father, you have a conscience. Do you think you’d be in this car, moping, if you didn’t?
Do you think you would have bothered trying to save José from Pansy at all?
If all you cared about was your own self-interest, you could have told Pansy you were dating Cormac and left it at that.
You tried to break them up because you were worried about him. ”
“I also don’t ever want to see her again.”
“No one could blame you for that.”
I swallow a laugh. “But Mom, I know you don’t want me dating Cormac. I saw the look on your face when I told you.”
“Well, no, I’d prefer it if you weren’t dating my new stepson, but he’s always been a smart, sweet boy. If things don’t work out, it could be awkward, but Nora…”
I feel tears burning behind my eyes again.
“I’ve never seen you carry on like this about a boy. Never. And if you really love him, it’s worth the risk.”
“Like you loved Dad?” I ask, my voice like sandpaper.
I want to crawl under a rock as soon as the words come out. We both remember how diminutive she became in that relationship.
She takes a ragged breath, then says, “I wasn’t a good role model for you.”
“I didn’t need one.”
She wraps her hand around mine. “We all need people, Nora. All of us.”
“But most of us don’t need as many people as Dad did,” I say, laughing a little, even though I’m sniffling.
“Well, yes. But Cormac is nothing like your father. Neither is Eugene.”
“No, he’s not. But I am. If I really love him, I should convince him to leave. He’ll be happier if he’s pursuing his dream.”
“That’s horseshit.”
I blink at her.
“If you really love him, you’ll let him decide what his dream is.
You won’t try to decide that for him.” She rubs at an imaginary smudge on the window.
“Nora I didn’t think I was good enough for your father.
I didn’t think I was pretty enough or interesting enough to keep him.
He encouraged me to think that way. That’s why I stayed.
I taught you to be independent because I didn’t want you to make the same mistake, but it would be just as much of a mistake to avoid getting close to people who value you.
Who love you the way you deserve to be loved. ”
“What if he…” I take a deep breath. “What if Cormac chooses to stay here, with me, and he regrets it?”
She gives me a sad smile. “That’s the kind of chance we all have to take.”
I’m dumbstruck by what she just said, my thoughts running rampant. She puts the car back into drive, and the next thing I know we’re in the drive-through line.
“This isn’t a day to worry about diets,” my mom says.
“Are you going to tell Eugene?” I give her a sidelong glance, my chest tight with worry.
“About the Wendy’s?”
“Mom, I doubt he’ll care about the spicy chicken. I was talking about Cormac and me.”
“Of course. He deserves to know everything.”
“So our secret fake relationship is no longer a secret.”
She gives me a pointed look. “And no longer very fake, it would seem.” She pats my leg. “Don’t worry, I understand how difficult it is to deny a Peebles man. They sneak up on your heart, don’t they?”
They do. They really do.
“I don’t know what to do, Mom,” I admit.
“Then don’t do anything. You can wait and see where the current takes you, Nora. You don’t always have to remake the river.”
I wake up at five thirty the next morning to Cookie licking my face.
Yes, I’m in Cormac’s bed.
His dad texted Mom and me from Charlotte last night to let us know that Cormac would be spending the night at the hospital.
I didn’t want to leave Cookie alone and worried all night, so I decided to stay with her.
Thankfully, Nathaniel had a spare key. When I stopped by, he thanked me profusely for the introduction to Ann, who was still at his house.
I told them about Cormac’s injury, of course.
Ann patted my hand, and Nathaniel launched into a long story about getting hit in the face by a baboon while on his first job.
I wasn’t all that interested in the story, but I was happy to let his words flow over me.
Afterward, I texted my friends to let them know what was going on. And of course, Hannah, Briar, and Sophie showed up at Cormac’s house with a bottle of wine.
“You are not breaking up with that man for his own good,” Hannah said, shaking her glass of wine at me. “He made a fucking robot for you.”
“Which I broke.” I laughed. “I’m a menace.”
“And that’s exactly how we like you,” Sophie said. “I’m glad Cormac has the good sense to appreciate you too.”
Briar nodded and filled my wine glass. “I’ll never forget the way you terrorized my bully. That’s a real friend.”
“Or a real psychopath.”
“Every friend group needs one.” She ran a comforting hand down my back. “Besides, you made a ginger beer inspired by him. You obviously love him too.”
“I do love him, and I love you guys.” Even though I’ve felt that way about them for months, it’s the only time I’ve ever said the words out loud.
When I’d first found out about Jonah’s bullshit, my instinct had been to stay as far away as possible from Sophie, Hannah, and Briar. I wanted to move on and forget about the past, not live and breathe in it. But they’d become exactly the friends I needed.
Since arriving at Cormac’s house last night, I’ve managed not to cry…barely. But I still feel like an irreparable crack has been hewn into my defenses. It may have started out Cormac-sized, but it’s growing.
It’s annoying as hell.
And also freeing.
Cookie licks me again, then barks directly into my ear.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” I groan, sitting up in bed. “It’s not even six a.m. This is inhuman punishment.”
She barks again in agreement, and I get up and walk her to the front door. I eye the fence’s gate suspiciously before I release her—and she instantly races toward a squirrel and starts barking.
Fuck. The neighbors won’t like that.
“Cookie,” I hiss. “Do your business and come back.”
Mercury must be in retrograde, because she actually listens.
When we head back inside, I make a pot of coffee, feed Cookie, and check my phone. The screen is covered in texts. The two on top are from José:
Can we talk?
PLEASE. I fucked up, and I’m so sorry.
I ignore his messages, scrolling down, and find Cormac’s name.
Great news! I’m still not dead, and I only bear a slight resemblance to Frankenstein’s monster.
Also, my father knows about us. I’m sorry. I have even less of a filter while on pain medication.
He was pretty okay with it.
Although that might be because he’d convinced himself we were following him and your mom around in Apple Ridge because we thought they were senile. That possibility seemed to bother him more.
I think I get the anxiety from him.
Smiling, I text back:
Something new and different for you?
It’s okay. I told my mom about us too.
She only freaked out a little.
Then I ask what I really want to know:
Are you still going to San Francisco?
My phone starts ringing instantly. I run my finger over it, imagining that I’m touching him, then pick it up. “I’m answering this in your kitchen.”
“That should probably be creepy, but I’m glad. How’s Cookie?”
“Terrorizing the neighborhood as usual. Are you okay?” My voice hitches halfway through the words. “You’re not going to lose any sight in your eye, are you?”