Chapter 34 #2
“You mean any more sight? No, I’ll only be half blind, as usual. But yeah, I’m still going to San Francisco. I’m supposed to fly out of Charlotte in two and a half hours.”
I suck in a breath, doing mental calculations. Two and a half hours. I won’t be able to see him, not unless I break the speed limit and he waits until the last possible second to board his plane. I won’t be able to talk to him in person.
I won’t be able to touch him and reassure myself that he’s okay.
Cookie bounds into the room, having apparently finished her breakfast. “But what about Cookie? And your bags?”
“I’m not worried about my stuff. I’ve already had a new pair of glasses express-shipped to Kenji’s place.
But I was wondering…hoping…you might want to join me.
I have to get out there today for a dinner meeting, but you and Cookie could fly out tomorrow, or later in the week. If you want to, of course.”
Oh God. I really fucking want to.
It would feel so nice, stepping away from all of my problems. Traveling to California with Cormac and Cookie. Going on vacation with him. Being out in public with him, just the two of us and Cookie, going to restaurants and the movies and sightseeing…
But I can’t do that right now. José and I have made a mess out of The Ginger Station, and it’s time to clean it up. Even if the thought kills me.
“I can’t. Not right now. I…there’s something I have to take care of here.”
“I understand,” he says. “I can make arrangements for Cookie.”
“I’d like to take care of her while you’re gone. I’d really like to.” I make the offer before thinking it through, but I don’t regret it.
“Will you stay at my house?” he asks, his voice going husky.
I smooth my fingers across the countertop. “Do you want me to?”
“I don’t want you to ever leave. Wait, was that creepy? It sounded a little creepy coming out.”
“It was super creepy,” I say with a laugh. “And I loved it. I love you.” Emotion blasts through me, and I almost need to sit down. “I…I feel like I should encourage you to stay in San Francisco.”
“I was worried you might say that. Please don’t. I don’t like San Francisco. It’s always windy and overcast, and it costs twelve bucks to buy a latte.”
“I think coffee’s just expensive now.”
“Fuck coffee. I want to be in Asheville. With you, Nora. I already told you that.”
I do sit, practically stumbling into a chair at the kitchen table.
“But the foundation… It sounds amazing.”
“It will be. I’m going to work remotely and fly out to California a few times a year.
That was my agreement with Kenji. And my agreement with you was dog-sitting in exchange for fake dating.
But it turns out I’d like to revise it. I’m going to take you out for a real date when I get back, Nora.
The best date two people have ever been on.
And it’s not going to be in Apple Ridge. ”
Tears fill my eyes. “I miss you. Isn’t that stupid? I saw you last night, and I already miss you.”
“I miss you too.”
“Now, send me a selfie as proof of life.”
“Nope, you definitely don’t want to see that. You’ll never let me leave the state if you do.”
“If you send me a selfie of your jacked-up face, I’ll send you a photo of my tits.”
He’s quiet for two seconds, and then my phone buzzes.
I pull it away from my face, laughing, because he obviously sent me a photo. But my laughter dies away when I see the bandaged stitches around his eye, which is red and bloodshot.
“A deal’s a deal, Nora,” he says, his voice tinny, since the speaker is no longer pressed to my ear.
I push my shirt and bra down and take a selfie, then send it through.
“Oh, thank God,” he says as I press the phone to my ear. “This’ll get me through at least one day of my trip.”
“I’ll send you one every day. But you have to keep sending me proof of your healing face.”
“Do you want one of my dick too?” he asks, a smile in his voice. “I’ve never sent anyone a dick pic before.”
“Now, I definitely want one.”
“Goodbye, Nora. I’ll text you when I get there.”
“Will you text me the dick pic when you get there?”
“Definitely. Thank you for staying with Cookie. I like thinking of you two together.”
“Promise me something,” I tell him, my voice shaking. “Promise me you’ll think about staying. If it’s the right thing for you, I want you to do it. I don’t want to be the anchor holding you back.”
“I love you too, Nora.”
I smile even though tears are trying to escape my eyes. “Promise me.”
“I’ll think about it, sure, and then I’ll stop thinking about it and come home to you. So I’m not going to say goodbye. I’m going to say see you later. See you later, Nora.”
And with that, he hangs up.
I set down the phone on the kitchen counter and soak in the moment—the comfort of Cormac’s house and his scent. The knowledge that he’s going to be okay. Even if I’m certain he’ll change his mind.
He’d be a fool not to change his mind.
But I won’t change my mind.
I pick up my phone again and respond to José:
If you’re not in jail, meet me at The Ginger Station.
It’s early, before ten, and the brewery parking lot is empty except for one car: José’s. We open at noon on weekdays, and the staff won’t start arriving until closer to eleven.
My chest feels tight as I enter through the front door of this place I’ve poured so much of myself into.
José is sitting at the bar, his hand bandaged like mine is, and I’m reminded of that night, all those months ago, when I asked him what it would take to get Pansy to back off.
Maybe I should have been asking myself what it would take for me to back off.
This. Cormac injured, for me.
José turns as I approach him. I’m furious with him. Apoplectic. But quite honestly…
“You look terrible.”
His face is puffy, and his eye is discolored where I knocked it from the side.
He nods. “I’m so fucking sorry. When I got back to the apartment, Pansy had left with all her things. And some of mine. She left me a Post-it note.”
It’s a mark of my mood that I don’t find that even a little funny. “Of course she did. Let me guess what it said.”
“It doesn’t matter what it said. She’s gone.”
He silently gets up and slips behind the bar. Pours us both a neat whiskey from the bottle we keep back there just for us.
I don’t point out that it’s too early. We both know exactly what time it is, and exactly what this drink will be.
I take a deep, slow breath in, then let the words out like blood gushing from a wound.
“We can’t work together anymore.”
He looks agonized, and I feel like I just ripped open my own chest. “Nora, I’ll apologize to him. He can press charges if he wants, obviously, and maybe he should. Either way, we could still—”
I’m already shaking my head. It agonizes me to think of losing this place, of losing everything we’ve built, but I know it’s the only way I can really move forward. José, too.
“This thing between Cormac and me…it started as a fake relationship,” I admit.
I owe him that bit of honesty. Moving forward, I’m abandoning convenient lies.
He arcs his head sharply upward. “What the fuck?”
“You were right about that. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to have to lie to Pansy.
But…” I take a deep breath. “I’ve been actively trying to break you two up for weeks.
But I’ve wanted to for longer…ever since she sent me those texts last year.
I know you didn’t believe me at the time, but they were from her.
She basically admitted it when we were at the restaurant the other night.
I wanted to tell you about all of this, but you were always so defensive whenever I said anything about her. I was worried you’d shut down.”
He leans back on his stool, studying me. I can’t read him anymore, a thought that feels weighted with sadness. We were always so close. So similar.
After a long moment, he says, “You wanted to protect me.”
“Sure. I also didn’t want to lose this place. I didn’t want us to lose it. She was trying to take it away.”
He gives a single nod. “She was… I realize that now.”
“She was trying to control you, but so was I. I should have just been honest with you. The truth is Cormac found out she’d been engaged a couple of times before. You obviously didn’t know, but I wasn’t sure if telling you would be enough.”
He swears and takes a gulp of his drink. “I wasn’t ready to listen. I…I really thought I loved her.”
“I know.”
“She was always different with me. She acted like she needed me. It felt good, being needed like that. Like I could be her hero.”
He probably doesn’t mean for it to be an insult, but it lands like one.
I’m Nora, who takes things too far. Nora, who always plunges into situations without waiting for a boy to help.
Nora, who needs a man who will step up for her anyway.
Nora, who needs Cormac.
That’s why I’m here. If my mom’s right, and Cormac’s not inherently too good for me, then he at least deserves for me to be my best self.
José takes another swig of his whiskey. “If you did all of that for me, why quit now? And why did you shoot me down when I tried talking to you at the bowling alley?”
I take a sip of my drink before answering.
“I fell in love with Cormac, but that’s not the only reason.
” My lungs feel like they’re full of broken glass, but I have to finish.
“It hasn’t felt right here for a while, has it?
We…we became codependent. There wasn’t any room in our lives for anyone else.
For a life outside of this place. That’s not healthy. ”
He rubs his forehead in agitation. “You can’t buy me out, and I need the money if I’m going to shift careers.”
“I know,” I say, my throat hurting. “Which is why we have to sell. Maybe the person who buys this place will choose to keep me on.”
“And you’d be happy with that? Being an employee in a place that used to be half yours?”
Half mine?
At this moment, sitting in our tasting room, I realize it never really felt half mine. It was only ever ours.
I take a deep, shuddering breath and nod. “It’s time to let go, José.”
He hesitates, his eyes on mine, and that awful ache encompasses my whole body. He’s my friend, he gave me my dream, but it’s time for us to go our separate ways. At least for a while. It’s time for us to find out what kind of people we might become without each other.
“I didn’t mean to hit him,” he says, his voice full of regret as he runs a finger over his bandage. “I did it in the heat of the moment. It was a stupid mistake, and I regret it. I’d do anything to make up for it.”
“I’d be less upset if you hadn’t hurt him, but I’d still be saying the same thing.”
“Yeah…” He takes a deep breath too, looking around. “Yeah, I know you’re right. It’s just… I love you, Nora. And I love what we built together.”
“I love you too,” I say without hesitation. “But I’m not in love with you. I don’t think you were ever in love with me either. We just…we wanted it to be right.”
“Yeah.” He refills both of our drinks. “It would have been so easy.”
Genuine laughter spurts out of me. “You always know what every girl wants to hear.”
His smile is contemplative. “Yeah, but you never wanted me to charm you. You were the one person who saw me, beneath all of the bullshit. And you let me ride your dream with you, Nora. It’s been one hell of a ride.”
“I hope we can be friends again at some point.” My throat feels like it’s stuffed full of cotton balls.
“But not now?”
“You punched the man I love in the face and broke his glasses.”
He smiles. “And you pretended you were in a secret relationship so you could break up my engagement.”
“Yeah, that was pretty shitty too. So I think we both need a break from each other.” My laugh falters halfway through.
“I guess,” he says. “But I really wish it were different.”
“So do I.”
“We’re going to find a way to be friends again,” he insists.
“I hope so,” I tell him, meaning it.
Truthfully, only time will. With time, the pain will dull, and our relationship will change. We’ll pull apart, and it will hurt, but maybe we’ll find a new peace at the end of it.