30. CHAPTER 30
CHAPTER 30
SIERRA
The door slams closed just as I reach it. I fling it back open just as Kason storms through the fire stairway door. He’s gone. And his leaving is what it takes for the tears and heartache to finally break through as I fall to the floor and cry, releasing all that I’ve been trying to hold together. I let it all out, the hurt and anger and unfairness of it all. I curl up and scream, “Why?”
I wanted the baby more than anything, and I had the chance to be a mother taken away from me. It’s not fair. I tried to be strong and hold it together, but Kason had to go and call me on my shit. And if I’m being honest with myself, rightly so.
I’ve been internalizing and not wanting to talk about it. Because to talk about it would have meant I had to feel, and I didn’t want to. If I could stay numb to it, then I wouldn’t feel all this agony I’m feeling now.
I’m not sure how long I lay there. Sometimes I cry. Other times I scream. I kick my feet and hands onto the floor until I have nothing left to give and lay down feeling more exhausted than I can remember feeling. The only thing left to do is think and what I’m thinking has me disappointed in myself because I know I’ve hurt Kason by shutting him out. This outburst may have been what I needed to get my head straight.
Kason was right. It wasn’t just me who lost a child, it was us. I left him alone when all he wanted to do was be there for me and with me. I knew I was pushing him away, but I was so scared to feel and now it’s all I’m doing. I left him alone in his own sorrow because I didn’t want to deal with my own. I was unfair to him.
This baby wasn’t meant to be, but that doesn’t mean there couldn’t be other babies. My doctor confirmed that today at the appointment I didn’t tell Kason about.
How could I not ask him to be there? I know how…because I wanted to hide from the loss instead of acknowledging it. I wanted to be numb and to pretend as if it was just another yearly checkup and never once took his feelings into consideration.
I need to make this right. I can’t lose Kason because of my fucked-up head. I’m not that girl anymore who hides from feeling, and that was Kason’s doing. He came into my life like a wrecking ball and broke down the walls I had built up. Now I’ve let him down, and I need to fix this.
Standing on wobbly legs, I resolve to go to him and make this right. I want to live my life with the man I love. The man who loves me, and no sooner do I make the decision to go after him than I’m dressed. Before I walk out the door, I notice Kason’s broken phone on the floor. I can only surmise that it was his dad he was arguing with on the phone. His loud voice while arguing on his cell is what brought me out of my room.
He needs me. I frown at the phone before leaving my apartment.
I drive like a maniac to his house and park in the garage before letting myself in thinking I could use a drink, so I pour a glass of wine for myself and start toward the living area.
I stop when I hear a woman’s voice. “I need your help. Alex kicked me out, and we have nowhere else to go. Can we stay here? ”
I’ve heard that voice before so I sneak closer to get a better look.
“Absolutely not. Did Alex finally realize what a manipulating bitch you are and show you the door?”
Creeping to the archway, my stunned eyes land on none other than Meegan.
Why in the hell would she come to Kason for a place to stay?
“No. He found out his son is not his.”
She has a son? It’s then my gaze lands on the baby carrier by her feet.
“Oh, so who is the poor schmuck that was stupid enough to have a baby with you?” Kason laughs.
Yes, what poor schmuck indeed.
“You,” she announces to Kason.
My breath catches in my throat. In shock, I drop the glass of wine, and it crashes to the floor. I feel as though I’ve just taken a sucker punch to the gut.
NO!
At the sound of the glass shattering, both of their heads snap to me. Once over their initial shock, Meegan gives me a shit-eating grin. Kason rushes over to me and grabs my forearms, panic in his eyes. The glass cracks further under his shoes.
“P-please tell me it’s not true,” I beg him.
“It’s not true,” he insists.
I start to recall everything Kason has told me about Meegan and one thing stands out. He told me on our first date he dated her over five years ago. Unless this baby has never grown, there’s no way it’s his. I finally breathe, knowing this woman is full of shit. I focus on her. She couldn’t have picked a worse time in our lives to try and pass her baby off as Kason’s with what we just lost.
“Unless that baby is four or five years old, there’s no way it’s Kason’s child.”
Take that bitch !
Meegan cackles like a witch. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, but Kason and I had sex around ten months ago. Trust me, it’s his.”
“Shut the fuck up, Meegan,” Kason growls.
My stomach sinks as I look to his face for confirmation. “Kason?" I ask in a whisper as my gaze searches his for the truth. It’s then I realize how wrong I am because the dread in his face tells me that what Meegan is claiming is credible.
“No,” I shake my head. “No, no, no. You told me you dated five years ago. You lied to me.”
He places his trembling hands on my cheeks, “Baby, that is the truth…” He hangs his head and his shoulders slump before he looks back up at me and bites his bottom lip, not able to confirm verbally that he did in fact sleep with her since that time. We wouldn’t have been together, so he didn’t betray me, but this still feels like a betrayal nonetheless.
“But you did have sex with her ten months ago,” I finish the words he can’t bring himself to utter.
He’s quiet for so long, I begin to think he won’t answer, but he does and my world crashes down around me. “Yes, I did.”
Grabbing his hands, I yank them from my face then place my own trembling hands on my empty womb. His eyes watch them descend and when he sees where they are placed, he whispers, “I’m so sorry, baby.”
My heart sinks into my stomach. I was supposed to have his baby. “She’s given you what I lost with you.” My voice breaks as I voice my deep hurt.
I start to back away on weakened legs as the tears stream down my face. I thought I had no more left to shed, but I was wrong. So wrong.
“Don’t run,” he pleads. He knows that I’m going to, and he better not chase me this time.
I turn and dart out the door, and he gives chase. He catches up to me in the garage and grabs my elbow as I open my car door. My reflexes have a mind of their own, and I smack him hard across the face. My hand instantly feels the sting as his face snaps to the side before focusing once again on me. He shows no anger over me smacking him, only love for me brims in his eyes.
“If you genuinely love me, then you will let me go. I mean it, Kason, if you ever do one thing for me, you will give me this and let me leave. I need space and time, and you’re going to give it to me,” I demand.
I know he doesn’t want to, but somehow my words manage to sink in, and he steps away with a expression of sorrow on his face. I take the opportunity to jump in my car, hit the garage opener on my visor and drive out.
I know I can’t be alone right now. I learned that lesson these past couple weeks, but I do know where I can go to be safe. One of the few people I can be vulnerable with, and I drive straight there.
Twenty agonizing minutes later, I park my car and knock on the apartment door. Ky answers it in her robe, takes one look at my tear-stained face and pulls me into her embrace. She leads me into the living room, and we sit while I cry onto her shoulder.
I vaguely recall Leo stepping out in his boxers, seeing us then leaving the room quickly. What seems like minutes later, he comes back out dressed in jeans and a hoodie, kisses Ky’s forehead then leaves. Neither of us asks where he is going because I think we both know he’s on his way to Kason’s, obviously concluding something terrible has happened.
Eventually, through my sobs, I’m able to get out to Ky what happened. She doesn’t say anything and just lets me get it all out.
Once my tears have stopped, she asks, “Are you sure it’s his?”
“Just knowing it could be his son has wrecked me. If it is, how can I look at his child and not see what I wasn’t able to have with him. How can I stand by his side and watch him with a child that I wish with all my heart was mine, that should have been mine to give him? Every time I see him with his son, it will be a reminder of what I lost.”
“I understand because the pain is still so raw, but maybe in time, you could learn to accept it. Just give it time; your heart is still healing from your loss. ”
“I don’t know if I can ever accept it,” I sob. With the way I’m feeling right now, I never could. This wound is still too fresh. To lose a child I so desperately wanted and for that bitch to have with him what I couldn’t…there’s no way I could do it. I’ve only just begun allowing myself to feel my turmoil.
With Ky’s wedding this weekend, I had taken the past week off to do all things bridal with her. Hopefully, it can take my mind off what a wreck my own life is currently. I can’t be around Kason right now if I have any chance of making it through this.
“Do you think it would be okay if I stayed here with you this week? I-I don’t want to go home.” And I want to hide from Kason.
“Of course you can.” Ky rubs a soothing hand down my hair. “You’re always welcome here. We’ll get through this together. I’ll always be here for you, like you have always been there for me.”
I embrace her once again and she shows me to my room. Once she leaves, I throw myself under the covers. I already know that no sleep will found while in the bed.
My mind and heart are in turmoil. I don't know how we can make it through this.