Chapter Thirty-Nine
“Clay Ford was…your dad?”
I stood in front of Colton, my hands balled up in fists like I was about to deck someone. My head was buzzing, my ears ringing, my heart shattering.
Colton took a step back in surprise, trying to wrap his head around the bomb of information I had just dropped.
“I-I mean I remember my dad-I-can’t…” He trailed off, no longer able to finish a sentence.
He wiped his face with both hands, still shaking his head in disbelief.
He finally snapped back to reality and rushed to grab my shoulders. “Ally, I’m-”
“I watched my dad die right in front of me doing what you do once a week,” I shot, still fueled with intense rage.
“You don’t know what it’s like, praying that you don’t suffocate on your own blood every time you get on that horse!
” I was shouting, thirteen years of suppressed grief suddenly rising in me and coming out with vengeance.
Colton dropped his arms, shock filling his soft features. “Why didn’t you tell me then?”
I clenched my teeth so hard I thought they’d snap. “What was I supposed to say, Colton?”
He threw his hands up. “You were supposed to tell me why it’s so painful for you to watch me ride!”
He had noticed. This whole time, I thought I had been disguising my horror of the rodeo, but he had known the whole time.
Colton watched me have this sudden realization and tilted his head. “You thought I wouldn’t notice the way you get when I climb in the chute? You thought I couldn’t see the way your jaw tightens. You thought I couldn’t see how stiff you get when we talk about it?”
Tears were freely spilling down my cheeks, and I made no effort to stop them. “Was I just supposed to ask you to stop?”
He shrugged helplessly. “Ya know, it would’ve been helpful if you voiced some kind of opinion instead of lettin’ me assume you just hated what I did.”
“Fine!” I yelled. “I hate what you do because I can’t watch the only person I love and the only person who loves me die! I can’t handle that again!”
“I’m not gonna die, Ally!” He yelled back just as loud.
I could see red in the corners of my vision. “How can you say that, Colton?” I demanded. “You can’t promise you won’t get hurt doing this life-threatening sport!”
“I can do this, Ally, I need you to trust me!” Colton said desperately. “I know where to land. I know not to get distracted. I know what to do to be safe!”
“So did my dad!” I responded defensively. “He sat in the same dirt you’re going to sit in tonight, and it didn’t matter how much I ‘trusted him’ when a horse decided to crush his body!”
He was on the verge of tears himself, his cheeks pink and eyes blinking rapidly. “I don’t know how to make you understand what this is like for me.”
I shook my head.
“I just…” he sighed and looked off toward the endless Texas horizon. “Ally, the rodeo is my passion. The adrenaline coursing through my blood, the strength it takes to hang on, the pride you feel when it’s over is indescribable. When I finish a ride, it’s pure bliss. It’s everythin’ to me.”
I took a minute to pick my next words. “I can’t watch you get hurt,” I whispered, finally done yelling.
Colton grabbed my hands. “Ally, I get where you’re comin’ from, and you don’t understand how sorry I am.
I’m sorry that you had to watch your dad…
” the word “die” never quite made it past his lips, “I’m sorry you had to feel like you couldn’t tell me.
I’m sorry you had to watch me ride, all the while, you’re sufferin’. ”
I closed my eyes, but he put his finger on my chin and forced me to look up at him.
“But, Ally, I can’t quit now,” he said in a quick breath. He stared at me, intensely. “Please…” he said in a pained whisper, “please don’t make me choose between you and the rodeo.”
“Why?” I rasped. “Because you’ll choose the rodeo?”
“No,” he answered sternly. “Because I will choose you, and I’ll resent you for it.”
I stared desperately into his green eyes, tears now beginning to prickle his eyelashes.
I hated that he was right. I wanted nothing more than for him to throw in the towel and forget all about the rodeo. But it was his passion, his true love; he’d look at me, and all he’d see is what I made him give up.
“I need you to know I can do this,” Colton begged. “I can’t do this if you’re not right by my side, supportin’ me. Ally, I need you to be my world outside the rodeo.” He hesitated and swallowed before going on. “I love you too much to ride if you don’t support me.”
It was more or less exactly what Dennis had told me to be for him. I was supposed to be his world outside the arena, to show him there is a world outside the rodeo.
I bit back a sob.
He threw his arms around me, pushing my head into his chest. His strong arms were holding me up, my own legs shaking too hard to work anymore.
He glanced down at his watch and sighed. “I-I hate that I have to do this now, but I need to go get ready.”
The question on his face was heavy.
Was I going to support him? Or was it too much, and was I going to leave?
I squeezed my eyes shut and immediately regretted it.
My dad’s lifeless eyes were staring at me, his bloody hand outstretched to me. His face twisted and morphed, just as it had in the museum, and I saw Colton’s lifeless eyes on mine, begging me to help him.
I bit back the urge to cry again and nodded. “I’ll be there,” I barely whispered.
~~~
The ride to the arena was painful.
Colton was driving, staring straight ahead.
I was in the passenger seat, trying to think of anything that could stop the last memory of my father replaying in my mind.
Jo and Dennis were in the backseat.
Jimmy, Alan, and Dean would be coming later. Since they weren’t competing, they didn’t need to come early.
Jo had been talking to Dennis about her latest phone call with the girls, but the tension was palpable between Colton and me, and she couldn’t ignore it. In the review mirror, I saw her nudge Dennis and throw her head in our direction.
“Um, Allegra, the equipment looked great in the parade,” he said, obviously fighting for something to talk about.
I put on a strained smile. “Thanks. The branch in Bluff Dale did a great job. I think it’ll help the Texas sales.”
“For sure.”
Then painful silence again.
Jo let out a long stream of air. “Allegra, you have a meetin’ or somethin’ in Chicago comin’ up soon, right?”
“Yes. After the next rodeo, I’ll head back to give my presentation.”
“If I qualify for the next rodeo,” Colton muttered.
Dennis reached up and put his hands on his son’s shoulders. “That’s no attitude to have right before a ride, son!”
Colton threw a glance at me.
I could see Dennis and Jo look at each other, helpless.
Colton pulled into the arena and parked his car hastily. “I’d better go get ready,” he said quietly. He popped his door open.
“Wait up!” Dennis called. “Let Mom and I help you!”
I watched them run after their son, praying they could help his mood after I had crushed his spirits.
I was no longer technically working with the rodeo, but I still had my all-access pass. I planned to use it until they pried it out of my cold, dead hands. I flashed it to the security at the back gates and walked back behind the chutes.
I hadn’t told a soul what happened to my dad.
I mean, everyone in the trailer park in Amarillo had known, but once I moved out, I refused to relive the memory for even a second.
Turns out repressing all that emotion hadn’t made me tough; it had simply been building toward an inevitable crash.
Walking around the dirt, smelling the animals, and the rock music that was welcoming the guests, it felt like I was drowning underwater. My senses had turned off, and I felt numb.
I was a ghost.
Leaning against one of the chutes, I spotted Colton standing in front of his parents, shaking his head.
I pressed my back against the fence, making sure they didn’t see me.
I needed to hear what he was saying.
I had to know how he actually felt.
“No, you don’t understand,” Colton was saying, practically spitting the words out as he slid his chaps on.
“Then help us understand,” Dennis said sternly. “Talk to us, Colt. If you go out like this, you’re going to crash, and you’re gonna lose everythin’ you’ve been workin’ you’re whole life for.”
Colton stopped to consider this. He swallowed up the words and nodded carefully. “She doesn’t…Ally…” he clenched his jaw and shook his head. “Her dad was Clay Ford.”
Jo gasped and put her hand over her mouth.
Dennis took a breath, and to my astonishment, simply nodded.
Colton noticed his reaction and tilted his head. “Dad…did you know?”
My chest was heaving, but no air was getting in my lungs.
Jo snapped her head toward her husband. “Denny?”
Dennis looked around to make sure no one was listening. I pushed my back harder into the fence, but they didn’t spot me. “Colt, I need you to listen with an open mind.”
Colton looked like he was ready to explode in anger, but he opened his hands for his dad to go on.
“The minute I saw her, I knew,” Dennis said, crossing his arms over his chest. “She looks so much like him,” he croaked.
“How well did you know Clay?” Jo asked so quietly I barely heard her.
Dennis was looking up, blinking hard, and it took me a minute to realize he was trying not to cry. “I knew him very well. We rode the same circuit for almost five years.” He moved his gaze to the dirt and kicked it.
Colton was shaking his head. “I can’t believe you, Dad!” He yelled, throwing his hands up. “Why wouldn’t you tell me?”
“Because I knew what you’d do if I told you,” he said in an urgent whisper.
“Which is?”
“Exactly what you’re doing now,” he declared. “You two were in love the second you met, and if I told you her father died doing what you do once a week, you would’ve quit right then and there.”
Jo put her hand on Dennis. “Darlin’, we don’t know that.”
Dennis gestured toward Colton. “Tell me you’re not thinkin’ about quittin’.”
Colton took off his hat, staring inside it.
“Don’t you dare quit now!” Dennis ordered.
“You are two rides away from the finals, from winnin’ this whole thing.
” He put his hands on his son’s shoulders.
“I know how deeply you care about her, nothin’ makes me happier than seein’ you two in love.
But I need you to hear me when I tell you, if you quit right now, you will blame her for it for the rest of your life. ”
I couldn’t listen anymore. I pushed myself away from the chute and wandered away.
~~~
“Stephenville, are you ready for a rodeo?!” The announcer started.
I was leaning against the light post, just outside the arena. My head felt like it had been stuffed with cotton balls. I was so tired of crying.
“We are down to the heavy hitters in the bareback ridin’ tonight!
Coming out of Chute Number Four, a young man who has been climbin’ the standings like a mountain goat.
.. He’s got the blood of the legends in his veins and the heart of a lion in his chest!
Let’s hear it for the Pride of Oklahoma–COLTON NASH! ”
The crowd roared in response.
“He’s matched up against a big, mean piece of business called Nightcrawler. This horse has a spin like a tornado and a kick like a mule. Colton, you better have your chin tucked and your heels dug in, ‘cause this ride ain’t for the faint of heart!”
The announcer was not helping tonight, and I wanted to slap him.
No, it wasn’t his fault. He was doing his job to hype up the crowd and let them feel the danger the cowboys were going to experience.
But it made me want to do something violent.
I looked at Chute Four.
Colton was climbing on the horse, closing his eyes and breathing heavily.
I ached for him. I wanted to storm past the gates, throw my arms around him, and let him hold me for hours.
I wanted to go back to yesterday.
It was no longer a question of whether he was going to sleep in the bed with me. It had become routine to open the curtain, with no shirt and a big grin, and climb into the blankets.
He had kissed me so long and so hard for hours last night that my lips were sore. We had fallen asleep tangled in each other’s limbs.
Colton opened his eyes, looked around, and locked his gaze on me.
I sat up taller.
He had that yearning look in his eyes, and I was wondering if he was thinking about last night, too. “I. Love. You,” he mouthed slowly, making sure I got every word.
I didn’t wait a second to respond. “I. Love. You.”
His confidence returned slightly. He adjusted himself on the horse and took one more breath before nodding toward the chute.
The gate was thrown open, and the horse didn’t hesitate at all. She threw herself up and started bucking.
“There’s the gate! And Nightcrawler comes out firing! Look at that vertical... whoa, Colton’s back on his pockets a bit! He’s fightin’ for his seat, folks! Stay with him, son! Stay with him!”
Colton’s body was being whipped around like a rag doll. His face was twisted in agony; the pain from his ribs had to be unbearable.
I wanted to collapse.
He was nowhere near his usual ride, but he gritted his teeth and tightened his body.
I was wringing my hands together, too nauseous to even move anymore.
He was slowly getting back in rhythm with the horse until he was back to his usual raw perfection.
I let out the breath that was tightening in my lungs.
“There he goes!” The announcer cheered him on. “He’s hangin’ on with everythin’ he’s got! Stephenville, let’s count him down! Three…two…one! He’s done it!”
The pickup men didn’t waist anytime to pull him off the horse.
Colton landed in the dirt, unscathed, and let the dust settle around his feet.
The crowd was going wild for his perfect ride, and he was basking in their reaction.
“NINETY-FIVE POINTS!”
His eyes were filled with tears, but he was smiling so wide it took up his whole face. He had done it. He had qualified for Sioux Falls. He was in the top ten.
Finally, he double-tapped his hat and threw it toward me.
I lost it and started running toward the arena.
He ran too, sprinting so fast that he had a dust trail following him.
He stepped on the fence and threw himself over it, just in time to collide with me. His strong arms were around me, my face was buried in his chest, and both of us were shaking.
He smoothed my hair with his gloved hand over and over again. “I love you, Ally.”
“I love you.”