Chapter 31 Logan
Thirty One
Logan
I wish I could say life goes on, but it doesn’t feel the same.
I am putting away all the harnesses, helmets, and gear from the last tour, when Ethan pops around the corner with an ominous “Logan, a word?”
The tour didn’t go well. Some kid was being reckless with his climb, and I snapped—called him a Darwin Award in the making. Told him if he wanted to maim himself, he could do it on his own property and time.
My siblings sit around the conference table, not speaking until I walk in.
Emily taps her pen against the desk—a sure sign she has something to say but is struggling to find a tactful way to say it.
“Go on, spit it out,” I tell her.
“I had to comp the last tour group. And the one yesterday left a terrible review on multiple booking sites.”
Shame rises in my throat, but I shove it down. “A few bad reviews are to be expected.”
“You know how much those hurt,” Emily snaps.
Cole raises a hand to Emily. “Seth said you broke up with Sierra?” he asks gently.
My throat tightens. I stare at the worn laminate of the conference table. I can’t bear their pity, or worse, I-told-you-so looks. I just nod.
“Do you want to take some time off?” Ethan asks.
“It’s fine,” I say, clearing my throat. “I can do this. I’ve just had a few hard days.”
No. “Hard” doesn’t come close. It’s impossible. Every single thing in my life stops me in my tracks with a painful memory.
I see where we made dinner together, where she teased me for making “adult-version” mac and cheese.
Where we showered, where we hung out, where we made love.
My sheets and pillow still carry traces of Sierra’s scent.
My car carries her presence. Even my workplace feels tainted.
The cave where we spent the night together—it’s difficult to make it through the tours.
I thought I had gotten her back, but I was wrong. And now I’m paying the ultimate price, reliving the same pain from when she left the first time. Except now my life is not mine anymore, not without her imprinted on everything.
It was all a mistake—every bit of it.
“Everything reminds me of her,” I find myself admitting. My voice cracks on the last word, and I want to disappear.
My siblings exchange worried glances.
“I agree with Ethan,” Seth says finally. “Some time off would be great. We can close the business for a while and go somewhere. It can be just the two of us—the LaSalle twins hit Vegas!”
“I can see it now,” Cole says. “Like a bad twin-themed sequel to Honey, I Blew Up the Baby.”
“Oh, man,” Seth laughs. “You wish they’d bring that franchise back. Rick Moranis was the shit.”
“But…won’t that hurt business?” I protest.
“Closing the business would be better than torpedoing it with bad reviews,” Emily mutters.
“It would be good for you to get out of Sagebrush,” Ethan says firmly.
“How will leaving help?” I ask. “Staying here was the only thing that helped last time.”
Last time Sierra disappeared, my mom insisted I finish my last high school semester, even though there were only a few months left before graduation. Staying and focusing on that while searching for Sierra, keeping busy and pushing to the end, it was like a light turned on.
The forward momentum, the comfort in knowing my place in the world, those things saved me.
After graduating, I found solace in searching the mountain for her, then the cave mapping, then the business expansion—staying and pushing forward has become everything to me.
Until now. For the first time in my life, I’m tired of pushing. I’m exhausted. It’s not like before.
“I can’t leave,” I say, but my heart isn’t in it.
“Do you think part of the reason you want to stay so much is because she left?” Seth asks gently.
“That doesn’t even make sense.”
“I think it does,” Seth says. “I think you just don’t want it to.”
I can’t bear to think about that.
“Do you want to talk to Mom?” Ethan barely gets out before I’m shaking my head vehemently. “She’s good. Even if she is the only certified therapist in Sagebrush. Honestly, you should’ve started talking to someone years ago.”
“Why do you all have to kick a man when he’s down?” I mutter. “I don’t need therapy.”
“It’s not a big deal. Even I’ve talked to Mom.” His lips quirk with amused irritation when I meet his gaze with clear refusal. “Stubborn pain in the ass,” he says affectionately.
“So Las Vegas?” Seth says hopefully. “I’ve been wanting to go.”
“Maybe.” The thought of doing anything fun without Sierra makes me sick. “I just need time. I’ll bounce back and be as driven as before. Probably even more. Coming back stronger is my superpower.”
“That’s not how I’d describe your manic self-flagellation, but sure. Superpower,” Emily says dryly.
“All right, all right, leave him alone,” Ethan says. “Unless you want to give him a turn listing all your weaknesses, Emily?”
“That actually sounds like a good time,” I say. “But we’ll have to order food in—this might take a while.”
“Ha ha,” Emily says. “Very funny.”
“Starting with how you can dish it but can’t take it,” I say. “Classic bully behavior.”
“Okay, this meeting’s getting out of hand,” Cole says. “Logan, seriously. Is there anything we can do to help?”
“I’ll stop taking tours.” I drop my head onto my hands. “If I’m screwing up the visitor experience that much, by all means, I’ll stop. Are we done here?”
“Logan,” Emily sighs. “Fine. Let’s get into this.
As annoying as you can be, you’re still our brother, and we care about you.
For the past few weeks, you were the happiest and most balanced I’ve ever seen you.
God, you were practically floating at Dad’s birthday party.
Then suddenly you’re calling us to send our lawyer to jail to bail you out, and she’s gone. What did she do?”
“Sierra didn’t do anything,” I snap.
“Then what the fuck did you do?”
“Emily,” Seth says, horrified.
“Don’t look at me like that. If there’s any perk to being the only girl in this litter, it’s that I can ask the ‘girly’ questions.”
“It’s not that,” Cole says. “Your bedside manner needs work.”
“No, she’s right. I’m the one who fucked it up.” I rub my eyes. And I realize it’s not just with Sierra that I’ve fucked up. Here is my family, supporting me once again, loving me through all my whims, moods, and bad decisions. And how have I been treating them?
I sigh and force myself to face the people I love. “I think I might be kind of a dick. I don’t compromise. Not with Sierra, and not with…you all.”
They all stare at me, startled by sudden self-awareness.
“Go on,” Cole says, a slight smile on his face.
I nod, then continue. “With the events, with the adjustments we made for Sierra. You’ve all taken on more work, and I didn’t think about how my choices affected you. I didn’t even ask.” I swallow. “I’m sorry.”
Another epiphany hits me. “It’s not just those recent things either, is it?
I didn’t think about everything you gave up to help me…
no. I didn’t care about your careers and plans.
All I cared about was pursuing my vision for our company and for Sagebrush.
” I swallow against the painful lump in my throat.
“I pushed and manipulated you all to come work with me.”
For a moment, no one says anything.
Then, to my surprise, Emily laughs. “I’ll agree with you about the first point,” says Emily. “But you really think I’m here because you decided that? Logan, I love you, but you have the worst main-character syndrome of anyone I’ve ever met.”
“But…” I look at Seth. He looks away.
“God,” Emily says sarcastically. “Imagine, having a well-paying, fulfilling job straight out of college, without applications or interviews, while so many of my friends are unemployed or stuck in gig work. What a hardship! You manipulative bastard.”
Ethan snorts. “I’m with Emily. Sure, there are things I miss about being a cop. But I don’t regret leaving—it was time, for multiple reasons. And I enjoy working with all of you.”
“I miss teaching sometimes too,” says Cole. “But I agree. What we’ve built as a family is special. The money doesn’t hurt either.”
“And it’s not like you drafted us into your army,” Ethan adds.
“No one’s getting shot for desertion. We know we can leave if we want.
It’s not like we can’t change careers again, or find other ways to pursue what we want, like Cole’s basketball camp idea.
Logan, look at me.” He waits until I meet his gaze. “We want to be here with you.”
I swipe my arm over my moist eyes. I suddenly feel too full to speak.
“Is that what you think happened with Sierra?” Seth asks. It surprises me—he’s been quiet until now. “That you manipulated her?”
I nod. I tell them about Operation Triple-S, how I thought it was working until it wasn’t. “I knew, subconsciously, there were things about how she left that she wasn’t telling me. But I was happy, and things were going the way I wanted them to. I should’ve done more to get her to open up.”
“I don’t think you give Sierra enough credit,” says Emily. “Do you think she would have told you if you badgered her about it?”
“I know Sierra too,” Seth says. “She does what she wants. Always has, Logan. You could definitely be a more sensitive, compromising person, but she makes her own choices.” He smiles. “Often bad, but still. They’re her own.”
“I agree overall with the conclusion you’ve drawn, though,” says Cole. “Stop steamrolling us. We work better as a team. Capiche?”
“You’re right.” I do have my family. For the first time in days, I feel the knot in my chest ease slightly.
“Actually…” I say slowly. “It’s been driving me crazy, but maybe you all see something I don’t.
The night I got arrested, Marshal Dawson had a recording on his phone.
A statement Sierra made about what happened with John Hillerman.
” I run my hands through my hair. “Something feels off about it—and not only that he had it queued up and ready to play.”
“When did she make a statement?” Ethan asks.
“She says right before she left.”
Ethan shakes his head. “Remember when I helped investigate her disappearance? I reached out to the marshal’s office for any supporting documentation.
Something like that would’ve been pertinent to the case, or at least given us a clue.
Dawson promised he’d share anything relevant, but he never mentioned her making a statement—and I definitely didn’t hear anything like that. ”
“What else was strange about it?” Seth asks.
I bite my lip, thinking. “It didn’t sound natural. She said John Hillerman’s full name a lot. Way more than anyone ever should. And the tone was weird—sometimes too high, sometimes too low. Like she was answering questions that were cut out.”
“There were no other voices on the recording?” Ethan asks, frowning. “Not even Dawson’s?”
“No. Just hers.”
“Hmm. What was she saying on the recording?” Emily asks.
I flush. “I’d rather not repeat it.”
“Anyone else getting a strange feeling about this being more about John Hillerman?” Seth asks. “What do we actually know about that guy—besides him being a creep?”
“Married,” I say. “Two kids. His daughter, Josie, was a high school senior, like us. She’s the one who caught them in bed together and told the whole school.”
“He and his wife owned that thrift store downtown,” Emily says. “I used to shop there all the time.”
“He was also a town council member,” Cole adds. “Remember that internship I did in high school?”
“That’s right,” I say. “Sierra did mention he was a councilman.”
Emily has her phone out, scrolling. “The town council still has old meeting notes on its website. Looks like Hillerman was head of the budget committee.”
Ethan suddenly stands, his face a thundercloud.
“What’s up?” Emily asks.
“Humvee,” he bites out.
Cole gives a low, slow whistle. “You think?”
“Think what?” I ask.
“Oh—and get this!” Emily interrupts, her voice rising. “In March of that year, literally right after Sierra disappeared, Hillerman pushed to replace the town marshal and appoint Rick Dawson.”
Ethan starts pacing furiously. “That no-good, dirty cop… I’m going to—”
“Oh.” The realization hits me in the gut. “Dawson wasn’t going after Sierra,” I say slowly. “Not directly. He was using her—and the affair—to blackmail Hillerman.”
“Bingo,” Cole says.
“Bingo what? I don’t get it,” says Emily. “After that day at school and her disappearance, it was like everyone in town knew what had happened between the two of them by the end of the month. What did he have to blackmail him about?”
Ethan shakes his head roughly before resuming his pacing.
“There are scarier things than public opinion based on rumors, Emily. What he did with Sierra was a crime—a felony. We’re talking sex offender registry, prison.
And it looks like Dawson made it all go away for Hillerman, even though you know Mom reported it to the police. He got away with it scot-free.”
Cole shot an arm out to stop Ethan’s pacing, one of Cole’s pet peeves. “We don’t have proof,” he says. “Conjecture won’t get us far.”
“Ugh, that’s so frustrating!” Emily groans. “Well, we’re definitely not changing the trust conditions after this!”
All the air goes out of me. I can’t deal with this. I can’t help this helpless anger bubble up anymore. I stand.
“I’m sorry about the reviews. Give all my tours to Seth if you need to. I’ll let you know when I’m okay again.”
Seth follows me out into the hall. “Logan, wait. I need to talk to you.” He lets out a heavy breath.
“I’m sorry I blamed you for… Listen, Emily’s right.
We all make our own choices. And I made mine.
If I’m not happy with them, that’s on me.
And yeah, I hate how it happened—with all of us thinking your girl had died, you wandering around the landscape, grief-stricken, mourning your lost love like some desert-mountain Heathcliff. ”
“Okay,” I say carefully, not sure where he’s going with this.
“But I wouldn’t change it,” he says. “Not the outcome, because our family is together again. And not being here for you either. I’d choose that every time.”
Something in my chest gives way. I pull him into a hug. “Thanks, bro,” I say gruffly.
If our eyes are a little wet, neither of us comments on it.
***
That night, I can’t stop thinking about all my flaws.
I let myself sit in self-loathing for a minute before I can feel it stirring within me. That same familiar ringing I felt years ago when faced with the consequences of my anger zings through me.
I want to change. I have to believe I can change, that anyone can better themselves, that selfishness is not inevitable. If even the timeless, ancient caves beneath us can evolve and change over millennia, then I have to do my part to evolve too.
Before I can stop myself, I’m dialing the phone.
“Mom? Yeah. I need to talk to someone.”