Chapter 32 Sierra
Thirty Two
Sierra
I watch as Jules LaSalle steps out of Seth’s SUV.
Seth didn’t question why I would need his mother’s phone number when I asked for it. I’m surprised that Jules agreed to meet with me, even insisting that she drive out to Sedona to make it happen.
More surprising to me is that I decided I need to do this.
I keep playing everything that happened over and over again, trying to find my way out of heartbreak, but I keep dropping back to the beginning again.
And this is one route I never tried in Sagebrush, and I can feel its unexplored path pressing on my mind.
It won’t get me Logan back, but maybe it can give me some peace. And I’ve always had so little peace.
Now I’m so nervous I’ve slurped my whole soda down without realizing it. The ice cubes at the bottom of the glass clink together pathetically. I move on to molesting a handful of sugar packets.
While it appears Seth drove Jules, he stays put. Jules alone comes into the restaurant.
“Thank you for meeting with me,” I say.
“Of course.” Jules turns to the waitress. “I’ll take a coffee. Cream and sugar. Thanks.”
She removes her purse from her shoulder and places her hands flat on the table. Every movement feels deliberate, and even though my first instinct is to look anywhere but at her, I find myself trapped in her steady, intense gaze.
“How are you doing, Sierra?” she asks with such compassion that my eyes immediately fill with tears. “Oh, dear,” she murmurs, nodding. “Logan’s very much the same.”
“It’s for the best. We keep hurting each other,” I say softly. “I’ve always been so bad for him, even now.”
“Oh, sweetie. You two are just the same—always way too hard on yourselves.” Jules shakes her head.
“I’m really not,” I say, my voice all stuffy. I take a deep cleansing breath. “I want to apologize for what I said.”
She tilts her head, not understanding.
I suppress my groan. I deserve this. She’s right to make me repeat my shameful words to her.
“That day. When Dawson came to pick me up to take my statement. I called you a nosy, interfering bitch.” I wince.
“I asked if you had so little going on with your life besides being a mom that you needed to pretend to be mine too.”
The waitress appears with Jules’s coffee, and Jules takes her time preparing it to her liking.
“Kids really know how to punch hard at your weaknesses, don’t they?” she says finally. “Sierra, honey. I forgive you.”
“But…” It can’t be this easy.
“Oh, honey, I was a guidance counselor. It’d be its own full-time job being upset over what each scared, cornered kid has ever said to me.”
“Still, I’m sorry.”
“Apology accepted. I wish…well, adults make mistakes too. I should have fought harder to go with you when Dawson picked you up. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
My eyes fill with tears again. “I don’t think I would have let you.
I’m also sorry I didn’t make it easy for you.
I knew I was acting out, and I couldn’t seem to stop.
You were so kind, so forgiving, and you didn’t have to be.
I was just your son’s girlfriend. And a bad one at that.
I know you wouldn’t have chosen me for your son, someone so broken. ”
“We are all of us broken,” says Jules. “And that I was able to provide one more kid with a safe place with us, that’s what mattered to me.”
I sniffle and reach for the napkin dispenser. I dab my eyes, then blow my nose and laugh a little at myself at how loud it sounds.
She purses her lips in thought. “Logan was so lost in high school. Looking back, I can see that you were more than just a girlfriend to him—you were a lifeline that helped pull him out of his ass.”
I choke out a laugh. “Jules!”
“It’s true. He was so angry and hadn’t come into his own yet.
You helped to bring him out of that, inviting him to step out of his comfort zone.
” She pauses to sip her coffee again, then gives me a stern look.
“Granted, I wish some of your antics hadn’t included so much breaking and entering, Sierra. ”
“Yeah,” I laugh, embarrassed. “The good news is I’ve stopped doing illegal things. So, yay?”
“That is comforting to hear.” She smiles wryly. “Now, about Logan. What kind of nosy, interfering bitch would I be if I didn’t at least try once to meddle?”
I laugh and press my hands to my warm cheeks.
“So here it is,” she says briskly. “My son is very much in love with you, and he’s hurting. You’re hurting. You both blame yourselves for what happened instead of each other. That’s actually a very good start. That is, if you want to reconcile.”
“It’s not him I don’t want,” I confess. “I—I just don’t think anyone will ever be able to overlook what I did. With John Hillerman.”
“Do you think that’s what I see when I look at you?”
I look away.
“I see a young woman who’s overcome tremendous odds and still wants to experience the beauty around her,” she says gently. “Someone who knows what she wants and makes it happen, while making it fun for everyone around her. How can you not see how people light up when you walk into a room?”
Now I’m ugly-crying. I wipe my tears, but it’s useless. “Oh, Jules. You’ve always been too nice.”
“Not at all. And I can tell you want to believe what I’m telling you.
I tell my kids there’s no point in lying to me—I’m better at detecting the truth than a polygraph machine.
The FBI wanted to hire me, but they couldn’t match my Arizona public education salary.
” Her dimples pop as her eyes twinkle with amusement.
“And the prestige,” I joke weakly. “How much cooler is a high school guidance counselor than an FBI agent?”
“Exactly,” she says, smiling. “Now, I’ll repeat it until it finally sticks—you are more than your mistakes, Sierra. Making mistakes, big or small, is part of life and growing up. We all make mistakes. And you, my dear, are so, so much more than the mistakes you made seven years ago.”
Jules stands and drops some cash on the table, ignoring my protests that I can pay. “Whether you end up with my son or not,” she says, “I hope you realize your past doesn’t hold you back.”
I give her a few minutes to leave before I bolt for Clunker. I climb into my bed and finally let myself break.
Didn’t she know how much it hurts to have someone believe in me like this? Oh, but it isn’t fair to blame just her. Logan too. The salon ladies. Cynthia. They’re all too kind, too stubborn in their faith in me—and I don’t deserve it.
I wipe my face and look around Clunker. She doesn’t look like much, but I see every drop of blood, sweat, and tears. Every dime, every hour, every ache, every bruise, every callus—proof of my dedication to a life I chose.
God damn her, she’s right. I have accomplished a lot.
How much more could I do if I stopped letting shame control me?
For the first time, I let myself daydream about the life I could have. A loving boyfriend. A supportive community. A career helping people find their potential. A home. Maybe even a family. A little baby with Logan’s blue eyes and dimpled smile.
The only thing stopping me is shame.
Is the shame of what I did seven years ago stronger than my love for Logan? Stronger than the life I want? No, Jules is right. I can’t let it hold me back.
If I leave within the hour, I can still make it in time for the Blackstone Legacy event.
A knock on my car door jolts me out of my melancholic indecision. Maybe Jules is back to deliver more emotional punches.
To my surprise, it’s Seth.
“Hey.” He rubs the back of his neck.
“Hi.” I press my hands over my tear-stained cheeks. “I’m—clearly, I’m not fit for company. I’m a blubbering hot mess.”
“I won’t stay long.” He bites his lip. “Listen, I know better than to meddle in my brother’s love life—”
“Yep, usually a bad idea.”
He smiles. “Yeah. That’s the problem. I think I did. I warned him against you the whole time. I wasn’t all that friendly to you, either, especially once I saw how fast he was falling for you. If anything I said or did pushed you to leave…” He swallows. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have interfered.”
“Oh, Seth.”
“I just care about him a lot, you know?” he continues. “He’s not just my twin, he’s my best friend. And seeing him so broken before, it’s made me more protective. I know you weren’t planning to come back, but if you ever did…I’ll keep my mouth shut this time.”
“Thank you,” I say, and I mean it. “But Marshal Dawson interfered way more than you did.”
“Yeah, about that.” Seth shifts his weight, his gaze sharpening. “Logan told us about the recording.”
Heat flushes up my chest. “Yeah?” I squeak.
“It doesn’t add up. No offense, but you are a nobody.”
I huff out a surprised laugh. “No offense taken.”
“It doesn’t make sense for him to create that recording just ’cause and then scare you away.” He bites his lip. “We think he made that recording to blackmail John Hillerman.”
I blink. “Oh.” I suddenly feel lightheaded, and I gesture for him to make himself comfortable on the cushioned milk crate I use as a chair while I settle down on the bed.
“We looked it up, and John Hillerman was a major town councilman at the time of your…uh.” Seth blushes.
I nod. John once complained about the power struggles between him and the mayor at the time.
“Anyway, the town council still has its meeting notes on its website from that time. John Hillerman pushed to replace the town marshal and appoint Rick Dawson. Hillerman was also head of the budget committee. That summer, the town marshal got a massive budget increase. Ethan still bitches about the Humvee and riot gear purchases. Then, that fall when Hillerman lost the reelection, he left town almost immediately.”
My stomach twists. God, this whole time… Was I just a pawn?
Seth shakes his head. “We think Dawson never intended to prosecute you or Hillerman. He saw an opportunity, and you were collateral damage. Same as now—he saw a chance to use the recording to pressure us into changing the Sierra Trust to include his department. We cut him out after the way he handled your disappearance.” He gives a dark laugh.
“Now we know why he handled it that way.”
A sick wave rolls through me—anger, humiliation, grief all crashing together. “God, what a snake.” My voice cracks. “And he’s just…going to get away with it, isn’t he?”
Seth shrugs helplessly. “We have no real proof.”
No proof. No justice. Just me—seventeen, scared, manipulated—and the fallout that wrecked my entire life.
There’s always another way.
That truth rings so clear in my head, the sweetest, surest bell I can imagine.
If there’s anything I’ve learned about myself over the last seven years, it’s that I’m determined and adaptable.
I can see this problem as clearly as a rock wall, studying the alternative paths, past the obstacles to get where I need to go.
I refuse to run away again.
“No, but maybe there is some way to get some proof,” I say, thinking hard. “He’s weirdly loose-lipped around me, telling me things he’d never say if anyone could overhear. Maybe we can use that.”
Seth is already dialing Ethan. “Hey, bro, it’s Seth and Sierra on speaker. Is it illegal to record a conversation without them knowing about it?”
There’s a long, heavy pause. “What are you up to?”
“I’ll call our lawyer if you don’t answer.”
Ethan sighs so loudly that Seth and I both have to cover our mouths to smother our laughter. My eyes meet Seth’s, and I feel a flicker of camaraderie.
“It depends,” Ethan says finally. “But Arizona is a one-party consent state, so if at least one person in the conversation is aware they’re being recorded, then it’s legal.”
Seth and I grin at each other.
“What do you think?” Seth asks after he hangs up.
I stare past him, out the windshield, my heart thudding.
Even though it’s miles away, I can feel it, as I always do.
Sagebrush. I never questioned why I have such a strong awareness of it, but maybe, just maybe, its magnetic pull has always stayed with me for a reason.
Maybe because I’m meant to go back. Maybe because that’s where my heart is, with Logan.
Fear claws up my spine. So does something else—something fiercer.
Everything I want is there if I’m brave enough. A chance at a real life. A chance to make this right. A chance to stop running. And above all, Logan.
“I think…” My throat tightens. “It’s time to return to Sagebrush.”