Chapter 9
ELLA
It’s been a few weeks since I’ve seen Leo, but it’s as if he’s watching me somehow. I feel him everywhere. Every memory we made seems to bubble up now. Thoughts I’d buried years ago. I’m frustrated, angry, and more confused than ever.
Gianna asked if I’d have dinner with her and her son tonight, and I almost canceled.
The thought of facing Leo’s twin is a little overwhelming.
Our friendship has been strained since I broke things off with Leo, and I don’t know how to talk to her now.
Plus, while she and Leo are fraternal twins, their similarities are obvious.
Same eyes, smile, and cock of the head. A ton of the same expressions.
They both have the Santo drive that all the kids got, but Gia’s a little more type-A than Leo.
Carson, Gianna and Travis’s son, is only a year or two older than Oliver, and they’ve yet to meet.
Ember didn’t exactly run in the same circles as Gianna, and certainly would never step foot in Everlasting Inn and Spa, as she considered it enemy territory after my last breakup with Leo.
Actually, she despised the place. While she liked Leo, she thought the rest of the family was stuck up.
I never had that impression. I guessed she probably had the hots for one of Leo’s older brothers, and when they weren’t interested, she decided to hate them.
It’s an odd kind of girl math: I like you, but you don’t like me, so I hate your family.
We’re meeting at a small restaurant on the outskirts of Eternity Springs because we know it will be quieter than the places in the center of town, and I’m thankful for that.
Oliver has been off all day. Lots of meltdowns, and a refusal to have quiet time in his room.
Occasionally I can convince him to nap, but those days are becoming fewer and fewer, so I transitioned to quiet time instead.
It gives me a little time to breathe. On weekdays, when Oliver is out of school, he hangs with my nanny, Lauren.
Since today is Saturday, he’s grumpily trudging along beside me.
Entering the restaurant, I find Gianna and Carson already at a large booth. She waves energetically when she spots us, and I amble over with Violet’s car seat on my arm, dragging Oliver behind me. He didn’t want to come tonight. I’m hoping his sour mood improves once he sees Carson.
When I see Carson duck behind Gianna, I’m aware that tonight may not go according to plan. “Yours isn’t happy either?”
“No,” Gia sighs. Her tight curls bounce all around her face, giving her a youthful look, but I see the bags under her eyes.
“I guess even older kids can have sleep regression periods. He’s been waking up at three in the morning.
I end up going to work by five because I can’t sleep, then crashing in a spare room at the hotel after lunch. ”
“What if there aren’t any vacancies?” I ask as I carefully place Violet’s car seat against the wall, then slide into the booth. I grab Oliver’s arm, dragging him in beside me, so I’m able to reach both of them whenever needed. Oliver glares at Carson, who buries his head in his mother’s shoulder.
“I will sleep in my car. I have no issues with that. I’m too tired to care most days, and our house is too far away,” she laughs, sliding an arm around her son, patting his back. “Carson, this is Oliver. He’s four. How old are you?”
“No,” Carson replies.
Gia looks at me with a lopsided smile. “Can’t fault him for that answer. I don’t want to tell anyone my age either.”
“That’s because we’re old,” I complain. “Honestly, I don’t judge you one bit for sleeping in your car. My lunch break three times this week was a nap at my desk. Violet is getting up a lot right now as well.”
“Is there something in the air? Mercury in retrograde? A sun spot? Leap year? Something?” Gia wonders aloud.
“Whatever it is, I’m tired, and I don’t have the energy to research it.”
Our server comes over to take our drink orders, and we resume chatting. Neither of us push the boys to interact. We wait until they’re ready. Carson has the guts to speak first.
“I’m older than you,” he says.
Oliver glares at him. “Well, I’m taller than you.”
“No you’re not!” Carson shouts, making Gia slap a hand over his mouth.
“No shouting!” she hisses, eyes darting from side to side as she watches to see if anyone is listening. Her face screws up in distaste as she removes her hand, wiping it on the front of Carter’s shirt. “He licked me.”
Gross. I stifle a laugh as I look down at Oliver. “Bud, Carson is probably taller than you, but mostly because he’s older. When you’re both adults, you might be taller. Or you could be the same height. And it really won’t matter who is taller.”
“Fine,” he grumbles. “Do you like Bluey?”
Carter’s eyes light up. “I do like Bluey!”
I pull out my phone, opening the Bluey app. Carson stands at the edge of the table, as both boys whisper about the game and show. Honestly, whoever came up with Bluey is a damn genius. It’s the only surefire way to settle Oliver down when he’s really overstimulated.
After we order our food, Gia leans over the table, lowering her voice. “How are you doing? Are things better now?”
I shrug. “I guess. Nothing better, nothing worse. That’s really all I can ask for at this point.”
“Have you talked to Leo yet?”
I shake my head. “After I unceremoniously kicked him out, I’m not expecting an unplanned visit. We don’t even have each other’s phone numbers.”
Her eyes widen. “You changed yours? Wait. You didn’t. I’ve called you.”
“No, mine is the same, but I assumed he’d have changed his by now.”
“Nope. Still the same. He even kept it on for that entire last deployment, which I assume was for you to call if needed. Usually he turns it off, and only texts our family chat. He’d call occasionally, but it was pretty rare.”
“I’m well aware of that,” I mutter. The word “deployment” leaves such a sour taste in my mouth.
Sometimes I’d go a few weeks without a word from him.
I knew he wasn’t doing it purposely. He was on a mission, or somewhere in the country where they didn’t have communication set up.
But it drained me, both emotionally and physically.
I’d usually lose twenty or so pounds with every deployment, because I couldn’t stomach food.
“Why didn’t you tell either of us you were suffering so much?” Gianna asks quietly, reaching over to lay her hand over mine.
“What was I supposed to say? It wouldn’t have changed anything. Leo couldn’t come home, and it may have screwed up his mission if he wasn’t completely focused.”
“What about me?” she asks.
“You were newly in a relationship at the end. I wasn’t going to butt in with my problems.”
“But what about all the other deployments? El, he was gone half the time. I know you could have talked to me about it.”
“I didn’t know how,” I confess, my eyes welling with tears.
“I couldn’t comprehend my own emotions a good majority of the time, so I didn’t know how to express them to you.
Plus, I figured you’d tell Leo anyway, and I didn’t want him to worry.
He also kept telling me he’d get out of the Army after that deployment, so I thought the end was coming.
I wouldn’t have to admit I was struggling, because he’d come home. And then he’d reenlist again.”
“He told you he was going to get out?” Gia asks, her voice low.
I should note the danger in her tone, but I’m too caught up in a memory.
The final time, when I truly knew it was up, was when he’d taken me to dinner.
We were in the center of the restaurant, a swanky place in Denver, and I’d hoped he was about to tell me he was moving home.
How maybe the gossip website was wrong, and he’d propose on the spot.
Instead, he announced he’d reenlisted for four more years.
I’ll never forget that feeling, knowing he’d told me in public so I couldn’t react how I wanted.
“I knew I’d never be first in his life. And that’s fine.
Really, it is. I’m glad I found out when I did.
Leo never made me feel like his job was better than mine, or it was more important than me, but what was I supposed to think?
I certainly can’t tell him not to go liberate a town that had been taken over by the Taliban, now could I?
But I had to think about things. Because if we’d gotten married, and had kids, where would they fall on his priority list?
How do you explain to a child that their father loves their job more than them?
” I shake my head bitterly. “I just couldn’t do it anymore.
I wanted a partner, not a guy who swings into town a couple of times a year.
What we had wasn’t sustainable, no matter how much I’d hoped it would be. ”
“Should have made sure there was an icicle in that snowball,” Gianna mutters. “Maybe it would knock some sense into the jackass.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Oh, well, what do you know! Speak of the devil!” she grins wickedly as she waves to someone behind me.
I turn to find Leo staring at us, the color draining from his face.
My heart squeezes just seeing him. In a worn pair of jeans, a henley, and a red checkered flannel, he is the epitome of sex appeal.
I know what he has under all of that, and I can only assume it’s gotten better with age.
“Leo!” Oliver shouts, running to him, his arms outstretched. Leo quickly catches my nephew, hugging him tightly. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too, buddy,” Leo answers, his eyes on mine. The scene is too poetic, too poignant, and I turn away. What I wouldn’t give to see Leo hug our child. The child I lost.
Leo looks over to where Carson is completely focused on the Bluey episode. and chuckles. “Good to know where I stand in Carson’s heart.”
“He never gets screen time, so he will pick it over anyone,” Gianna answers, then turns to me as she lowers her voice. “You okay?”