Chapter 9 #2
“No,” I answer truthfully, sliding out of the booth. “Can you watch the kids? I need to hit the restroom.”
After Gianna nods, I keep my gaze averted as I rush past Leo, speed-walking around the restaurant to the other side.
For once, I’m relieved at the setup of this place, because it puts me as far away from Leo as physically possible.
I head into a stall, thankful this restaurant has actual toilets with lids, and I close it quietly.
Sinking down to sit on the lid, I let out a pained breath.
Maybe I should move. I won’t sell Purrfect Books.
But moving out of Eternity Springs would at least give me a little more distance from Leo.
The Santo family is basically royalty here, and right now, he’s everywhere.
So many years have gone by, and I’m still not over him.
How can I move past the love of my life when I’m forced to be near him?
I sniff, feeling the telltale sign of a sob moving up my throat, and I struggle to hold it in.
I don’t know how thick these walls are, or when some other patron might come into the bathroom.
If I’m caught crying while Leo is in the restaurant, it’ll be on The Eagle Has Landed before bedtime.
Hell, maybe within the hour. It’ll be some ostentatious headline like “War Hero Refuses Rekindling with Disgraced Bookstore Owner” or “Leo and Ella, Part Six?” I really don’t want to be on the front page of the website. Again.
When I hear the door open and close, but no detectable footsteps, I know he’s followed me in here. The door locking reverberates across the tile floor.
“Ella.”
I sharply inhale, his gravelly voice dragging across every inch of my skin. God, I hate how I respond to him. “What?”
“Come out here.”
“No.” The word comes out with a stubborn snap, making Leo chuckle.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because I need to see your face.”
“No, you don’t. I’m fine.”
“Funny, that’s what you said the last time, and you most certainly were not fine.”
“Well, I lied that time.”
“And you’re lying now.”
“No, I’m not.” I pause, waiting for his rebuttal, but nothing comes. “Alright. I’m lying a little.”
His loud laughter makes me jump. “Get out here, Ladybug.”
Grumbling about how he’s being an alpha male asshole and demanding shit, I slowly stand.
Opening the door, I find Leo leaning back against the counter, arms crossed across his chest, and unlaced boots crossed against the floor.
He’s smirking, but it’s not one of victory or control. It’s one of peace and acceptance.
I stand at the entrance to the stall, not allowing myself to step even one foot closer to him.
I have an overwhelming desire to jump him, latch my legs around his waist, and tell him to make me forget all of my problems, if only for tonight.
I know I’d regret it tomorrow, but I’d certainly enjoy it right now.
“Why’d you run in here?” Leo asks quietly. “Tell me the truth, not some bullshit about you wanting to avoid me.”
“I did want to avoid you,” I answer haughtily.
The corner of his mouth turns up, but he doesn’t speak.
God dammit. This man could always out-patience me.
“Honestly? Gia said something, and it made me remember that time you took me to dinner in Denver so you could tell me how you’d reenlisted.
I knew you did it there so I couldn’t make a scene.
Looking back, I knew at that moment our relationship was doomed.
I’d never factor in your life decisions, and I didn’t like that.
I didn’t want to be an afterthought in your world, Leo.
I wanted us to make decisions together, and you constantly took that opportunity away from me. ”
His eyes widen with my admission. “You thought I didn’t take you into consideration with decisions I made?
Baby, you’re the only person I ever thought of.
Yeah, I could have handled things better.
I didn’t intend to blurt out about the reenlistment at that dinner.
I was going to ask you to move in with me.
Every month apart was slowly killing me.
But I loved my job, and I truly thought I was making the world a better place, as cliché as that sounds. But I wanted you there. Always.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that, then?” I ask quietly, so quietly I wonder if Leo even hears me.
He gives me a weary smile, his shoulder slumping. “Maybe I knew you’d never move to North Carolina. Or maybe I feared you’d break up with me. It was easier to keep the status quo than rock the boat.”
I look down at his boots, at the familiar pattern of stitching on the sides. “Did I get you those?”
He nods with a chuckle. “Yeah. Finally got them broken in.”
“Leo, I gave those to you ten years ago.”
Leo winks. “Took longer than I thought it would.”
I sigh with an exaggerated huff. “You know, for someone with years of military experience, it’s shocking that you’ve got them unlaced. You’re bound to trip and break your neck one of these days.”
His smile drops slightly. “It’s hard for my leg to bend at the knee sometimes. So it’s easiest if my shoes are all basically slip-ons.”
My heart jumps to my throat. “You can’t bend it?”
“Not really, no. My calf is all fucked up, and I’ve had so many surgeries on my leg that I’ve got a lot of scar tissue built up. It’s not the prettiest.”
“How have I never heard about this? Did everyone hide it from me or something?” I ask, hurt evident in my tone.
Leo’s eyes meet mine solemnly. “Besides Gia and my parents, you’re the first person I’ve told any specific details.”
I gasp, hands coming to my mouth in shock.
As tears fill my eyes, I do what I wanted to do only minutes ago.
I rush to him, throwing my arms around his neck, and he lifts me so my legs can wrap around his waist. Burying my face in his neck, the familiar scent of his cologne filling my senses, I’m overcome with emotion.
His arms tighten around me as he rests his head against mine.
It’s been ages since I’ve been in Leo’s arms. One of the only places I ever felt was completely safe, and irrevocably mine.
I can’t remember the last time I’d even received a hug from a man.
Possibly with my brother at my sister’s funeral.
Before that … well, probably the last time I was privileged enough to be held by the man holding me now.
I never truly understood how perfectly Leo’s embrace was until I couldn’t experience it anymore.
Even when he was deployed, I knew he’d come home.
There was a stopwatch counting down, letting me know I’d experience it again.
And now, as I feel a tremor rack through Leo’s body, I wonder if he’s feeling the same way.
How has he gone this long without telling anyone about his injuries?
Why did he keep it bottled in for so long?
And why the hell did his family let him get away with it?
Anyone can see he’s hurt. Leo has always held emotions in, and he’s not one to admit when he’s hurt.
Surely I can’t be the only one to see the pain in his eyes or the limp as he drags his leg.
Tears fall as I think about this poor man, feeling lost and alone, finally admitting to me that he’s been in pain for years.
“Why?” I finally rasp, squeezing my arms around his neck tighter, then shivering when his hot breath hits my neck.
“Who would I tell?”
“Your siblings.”
I feel him shake his head against me, sending another shiver when his lips brush against my skin.
“They wouldn’t have handled it well. Too much chaos at home.
Hannah and Arianna were new moms. Dom’s ex-wife was causing trouble.
Alex was struggling. Knowing the extent of my injuries would have been salt to the wound.
All they knew was my calf was messed up. ”
I raise my head, pulling back to look in his eyes. I used to get lost in his irises, mostly dark brown but with golden specks toward the outside edge. I could always see love there. Now it’s mostly pain, confusion, and sadness. “Why haven’t you told them that you’re still struggling?”
His mouth opens and closes once, then his eyes dart to the side as he forces out a loud breath. “Because they’d look at me with pity, and I can’t stand that. I hate feeling like I’ve let them down. I’m supposed to be the strong one.”
“Is that why no one knows? Because you think they’d feel sorry for you?” I ask quietly, and he nods. “They’d hurt for you, Leo. That’s what loved ones do. They’d want to take away the pain from you if they could.”
His gaze snaps back to mine. “I don’t want that either. I just want to feel normal.”
“Then why did you tell me?” I utter.
“Because you’re the only person who has ever accepted me as I am.”
This poor man. “Leo, that’s not true at all. Everyone in your family loves you so much. You could have been honest with them. They have to know something is going on.”
“They never ask, so I don’t tell them.”
“You’re holding it against them that they’re respecting your boundaries?
” I ask incredulously. I try to unwrap my legs from Leo’s waist, but he clamps his hands down on my thighs, holding me in place.
His fingers flex against me, and I struggle to keep my breathing normal.
“You’ve always held things in. Everyone knows this.
So they’re waiting for you to come to them. They don’t want to push you away.”
His forehead drops to mine, and I wait for him to respond.
It’s been years, but I know how his brain works.
He’s working out every available answer before he’ll choose what he thinks is the best one.
“Everyone has enough on their plate, Ladybug. I don’t want to add to the stress.
I’ve got sixteen nieces and nephews now.
Sixteen! I honestly don’t know how my parents keep track of them all.
Shit is constantly falling apart at Everlasting, and I’m the one that has to put it back together.
Alex and I were talking about getting a woodworking business together —”
“Oh my God,” I interrupt, delighted at that last detail, “you’d be so perfect at that! You always loved messing around with woodcarving. What would you guys focus on?”
A tiny sparkle comes back in his eyes as he lifts his head to look at me, a peaceful smile popping onto his face. “Cabinets and furniture, mostly. But I think we’d be open to some custom projects, depending on the customer.”
“I still have that jewelry box you made me for my twentieth birthday,” I tell him, grinning. “It’s been locked for a few years, because I can’t remember how to open it anymore.”
Leo chuckles. “That doesn’t surprise me in the slightest. Your ability to follow directions leaves a lot to be desired.”
I gasp in mock surprise. “I’ll have you know, I singlehandedly put three of the bookshelves together in Purrfect Books.”
“Aren’t there around fifteen or twenty bookshelves?” he asks.
“That’s beside the point. I did three by myself. I deserve accolades, dammit.”
His grin widens. “Alright. Well done, El. You’re doing an exceptional job at adulting.”
“You know what? I fucking am!” I shout gleefully, getting a bark of laughter from Leo. “I’m keeping two children alive, I haven’t burned any food this week, and I haven’t had to sell my business. I’m peak adulting right now.”
“Burning food?” he asks, letting go of my thighs, and I reluctantly slide my legs from around his waist. The fact that this entire conversation has happened nose-to-nose is surreal, but I’ve always felt more comfortable doing just about anything with Leo than I ever wanted to feel away from him.
“Okay. I’m honestly not the best cook, but my oven is also a bit temperamental.” I look up to find his grin gone, and the intense Leo back in place.
“Define ‘temperamental,’” he says, with air quotes.
“Well, half will be burned, and half will be uncooked.” It’s aggravating to cook something that may work out or may not.
I’m thankful Violet is still on mostly formula, and Oliver is in a phase where the only acceptable foods are dinosaur chicken nuggets, macaroni and cheese, and fresh fruit, so I’ve basically stopped using the oven.
If it can’t be cooked on the stovetop or in the microwave, I’m not making it.
“The heating element probably went out, or is going out, but it’s an easy fix. If you tell me the model, I can get a new one for you,” Leo offers.
“Oh, is that it? I can probably handle that. Does it just plug in somewhere in the oven?” I ask, frowning when he bursts into laughter.
“No, Ladybug. It doesn’t plug in. I’ll handle it. Just text me the model number.”
I stare at him in disbelief. I assumed Gianna was mistaken. “Do you still have the same number?”
He nods. “Kept it in case you ever tried to reach me.”