Chapter 15 #2
“Just sad for a second, bud. I’m okay.” Standing, I walk into the kitchen to grab Leo’s clothes. As I grab them, his wallet falls out. “Shit. Glad I didn’t wash this —”
I bend down to grab the wallet, but a group of papers falls out of the pocket.
I’m shocked to find my own picture staring back at me.
What the hell? It’s an old photo, one he took when we were in our early twenties.
I’m smiling gaily at him, and I remember him kissing me right after.
He was home after one of his first deployments, and so happy about his decision to join the Army.
I was blissfully ignorant of how much anxiety his deployments would cause me, and still thought he’d only be active duty for a tour or two.
I drag my finger along the worn edges of the photo.
I can remember every detail about that day.
How we daydreamed about the future, and the promises we made.
Most of those were broken within a few years.
I thought he’d be back home, we’d be married, well on our way to a kid or two.
He promised to always be truthful, never make any big decisions without my input, and be the kind of partner we’d both witnessed with our parents.
How many times has he pulled this out of his wallet? Has he pined for me all this time? Did he have any regrets about that period in our lives? We were so different, yet somehow the same.
“Ella,” Leo says quietly, standing before me wrapped only in a towel. I raise my head, letting the tears fall. Violet sighs against me, and I realize she’s fallen asleep. Crap. I should fully bathe her, but I know it’ll throw off her mood even more, and decide I’ll bathe her in the morning.
“Please tell me you just put this back in your wallet, and that you haven’t had it in here the entire time,” I blurt out tearfully. “Please, Leo. I don’t know if I can take it if you tell me you’ve kept this in there, and you looked at it often.”
He approaches me slowly, reaching up to push an errant piece of hair behind my ear. “There was a time when I promised you I wouldn’t lie to you.”
Scrunching my eyes closed tightly, I drop my chin to rest on the top of Violet’s head. “Shit.”
“It’s not that bad, Ladybug,” Leo says with a light laugh. “I’ll admit I’ve taken the picture out occasionally. But honestly, there were many times I forgot it was in there.”
“Then why didn’t you throw it away when you did realize?” I ask. “I can’t even imagine what other girls thought about you having my picture in your wallet, Leo. That had to have led to some really uncomfortable conversations.”
He shakes his head. “First of all, I haven’t dated. No woman has seen the inside of my wallet. Second —”
I interrupt him. “What do you mean you haven’t dated?”
He blatantly points to his leg. “Kinda been busy. May I continue?”
I slam my mouth shut, and nod.
“Alright. I left the picture in there for a variety of reasons. Regardless of what status we were, you’ll always be my first love.
You’ve inspired me, and challenged me, and I don’t ever want to forget that.
And I figured if I ever even thought about dating, I needed to be reminded that you set the bar incredibly high.
So if I didn’t think a woman would come close, it wasn’t worth my time. ”
“Leo,” I whisper, overcome with emotion.
“And last …” he trails off, his eyes darting down to look at Violet.
When he finally meets my gaze again, he gives me a lopsided smile.
“There were a number of times over the past decade when I thought things couldn’t get any worse than they were.
Times when I wondered if I’d make it through.
Your picture reminded me that there’s always darkness before the dawn.
There might be a storm, but the beauty after the rain is worth it.
When I passed out after the IED blew up the convoy, your face was the last thing I saw.
For a moment, I was pissed that our time was over, and that you’d be finding out from someone that I’d died.
But then I was so fucking thankful, because I got to experience you.
I was loved by you. And no matter what life brings me, I’m so fucking grateful I had that privilege. ”
I’m speechless.
I don’t think. I step forward, plastering myself against his bare chest, careful not to jostle Violet.
Sliding an arm around his waist, I hug him as tightly as I can.
He doesn’t speak as he loops his arms around me, and rests his chin on my head.
Closing my eyes, I listen to the steady beat of his heart.
I’d forgotten how eloquent and poetic Leo can be.
Quiet, introspective, and focused, but also romantic and thoughtful.
I was the lucky one who’d had the privilege of being loved by him.
“Auntie Ella,” Oliver calls out from the living room. “I tired.”
Regretfully pulling away from Leo, I keep my gaze cast downward. “I need to get him into bed.”
“Do you want me to take Violet?” Leo asks.
“No, I’ll put her in her bassinet, then put your clothes in the washer.”
“Any chance you have any more of my shirts in your closet?” Leo jokes, making me blush.
“There’s a chance you might find a few more in the bottom righthand drawer of the dresser,” I confess.
Looking through my lashes, I watch as Leo grins.
I follow him into the living room, watching as he gives Oliver a fist bump.
Motioning for Oliver to walk ahead of us, I stare at Leo’s back.
More shrapnel scars. This sweet man. I’m heartbroken for what he went through, and how my absence may have played a part in his recovery.
We have a lot of trauma to dig through if — or when — we think about a possible redo of our relationship.