42. Kendra
Kendra
Holly came and picked up Wren shortly after Eli left. The house was too silent and still without them. I looked over at my house—my beloved cabin. Then I looked back at the studio. I have not been able to go into either space, and I feel like an incomplete shell of my former self.
Needing to get away from the too-quiet house no matter where I went and the trauma nipping at the edges of my mind, I text Lainey.
Kendra: Up for a visitor?
Lainey: Yes! Always!! But do you want me to come to you instead?
Kendra: No. Need to get out of this place.
Kendra: Where are you?
Lainey: The new house, looking at paint samples. Come on over.
Kendra: Be there soon xo
The once-scorched, empty lot where Rem and Lainey’s old house used to be is now home to their beautiful new sanctuary. A two-story Craftsman in stormy blue with stone details, a welcoming porch, and wooden door with stained-glass inlaid flowers, of course, is now the shining jewel of the street.
A knock on the new door reveals my gorgeous best friend, her kind smile, and a gentle hug welcoming me to her space.
“Hi! Come in, come in,” Lainey says excitedly.
I laugh and follow her inside. “It’s looking amazing. Different every single time I stop by!” My eyes sweep over the open construction zone that will soon be a happy home.
“Yeah, they have been working like crazy and got even more done when we were away on our trip.” She leads me to the main living room that has five paint cans laid out, sample swatches on the largest wall for us to examine.
“What do you think?” Lainey asks, gesturing to the differing shades of soft cream.
“Hmmm.” I step closer and take my time with each one. “I think it’s between two and five.”
Clapping her hands, Lainey does a little shimmy dance. “I knew it!”
“Where’s Ash?” I was hoping to get some snuggles from their German shepherd black lab mix today. He is the sweetest dog and normally sticks to Lainey like glue.
Frowning, Lainey says, “I left him at the apartment so that he wouldn’t get into the paint. I knew that there was zero chance he would give me enough space to get this done so that Remington could see those samples on the wall after his shift.”
“Good plan.” I nod.
“Speaking of . . . This is Eli’s first time back since Wren was born. How’s he taking it?” Lainey glances at me.
“Um, it was hard for him to leave her, but Holly promised to bring her up to the station for a visit, so I know that helped.” I bite my lip, trying to keep my secrets and feelings to myself, but my best friend knows me too well.
“Spill it, girl! I have been giving you a lot of time and space, but the sand has run out. Now I need details. The only thing Remington will say is that Eli told him at the hospital that you and Eli have ‘history’ and it’s complicated.
Eli hasn’t even given him a lot of details and Remington wanted you to be able to give me the story yourself.
And now you are living with Eli? After you told me time and time again how much you absolutely hate him with the fire of a thousand suns and only tolerate being by him because you have the deep misfortune of sharing friends!
That’s a direct quote, Kendra!” Lainey is out of breath after her very out-of-character rant.
I can tell that she is not only frustrated but concerned for me after everything that happened the night of her wedding. I’ve shut myself away at Eli’s, thinking that the seclusion I created was the best thing for everyone, but obviously I was hurting my friends by not being honest with them.
The secrets I had been holding on to for years are finally about to come out, and there is a scary relief to that reality.
“I think Sutton should hear this too,” I blurt out.
“Okkkay.” Lainey takes out her phone and starts texting furiously. “She’s at the store today but says we can go hang out there if we want to.”
Half an hour later Lainey and I walk into Brooks and Books laden down with coffee and pastries from the Sugar Cube. I am going to need all the caffeine and sugar possible to get through this, and probably some wine afterward.
Lots of wine.
And maybe a pizza.
“Hey, ladies!” Sutton says cheerfully from behind the antique wood counter she uses for a checkout. “Oh thank the caffeine gods! Come to mama! Kins kept me up all night.” She greedily sips on a to-go cup that Lainey handed over to her and groans.
“Does Mom have her today?” Lainey asks.
“Yeah, she was way too cranky to bring along. I think she is cutting a new tooth. Plus, I’m only here for a few hours before my other staff comes in, and I figured Kinsley could get a good nap in at my parents’ . . . hopefully,” Sutton says with crossed fingers.
Normally I don’t feel any kind of unease or trepidation around my best friends, but right now I wish I could sprout wings and flap away.
I can feel their blazing stares on me as I continue to look at the very interesting spot of lint on my leggings, picking at it mercilessly so I don’t have to look up into the savvy eyes of the two women that know me so well.
“Kendra?” Sutton says tenderly.
“It’s so hard,” I whisper.
“Start when it was easier,” Lainey suggests.
So I do . . . I tell them everything about my past with Eli. Even the things I never told anyone. Including the fact that I think the reason I have hated Eli so much all this time is that I have never been able to stop loving him.
By the time I’m done, all three of us are sobbing, hugging each other, and Sutton has to rip open a fresh box of tissues. A customer walked into the store, saw our weeping mess, then turned right back around and high-tailed it out of there.
“Oh no, I’m so sorry, Sutton. I am scaring away your freaking customers.” I blow my nose and cry harder.
“I could care less about that right now! You just rocked our whole world with what you told us. We always just thought you hated Eli because the two of you had crazy sexual tension that would eventually snap one day. This changes everything.” Sutton rubs my back, and Lainey goes to Sutton’s office to get us each a cool bottle of water to add to our drink choices.
“Seeing him with Wren, it’s so hard,” I admit.
“Of course it is!” Lainey exclaims.
“Why are you still living with him?” Sutton asks.
“When I couldn’t go back home after the attack and Eli insisted I stay with him, it just felt like the easiest thing to do.” I wring my hands and bite my lip.
“But there’s more . . .” Sutton pushes.
“I don’t want to be by him as much as I don’t want to be away from him, and it’s really confusing. He . . . I can’t even find the right words because saying he broke my heart doesn’t even feel big enough.” I drop my face into my hands.
“It’s not wrong to feel more than one thing at the same time, it makes you human.” Lainey rubs my back. “You also have been going through a lot these past weeks.”
“You need to give yourself some time, but also if you really want to have a chance with Eli, you’re going to have to tell him what you told us, Kendra. All of it,” Sutton whispers.
I just nod, because I know they are both right. And that terrifies me.
Putting roots down in a place that held tragic memories took a lot of strength in Lainey and Rem, and seeing their place again today reminded me of that.
Of the importance of not allowing the evil in the world to win, to take away the spaces from us that we hold sacred.
A tear slips down my cheek as I realize that I had been letting my fear paralyze me for weeks.
I am Kendra-fucking-Powell. I don’t let the bad beat me, literally and figuratively, to keep me down and keep me from what I love, from what gives me life, comfort.
And what does that most is my home, the cabin that my nana left me and knew would be my own sanctuary.
I refuse to let another day pass letting that one awful day dictate the rest of my life.
I miss my space, my home, myself.
The phone rings several times before a deep voice answers, “Hello, this is Easton of East Shore Construction.”
“Hey, Easton, it’s Kendra . . . Powell, um, Keller’s friend. I’m not sure if you remember me?”
“How the hell could I forget? How are you?”
“I’m alright.”
“What can I do for you? What’s going on?” he asks.
“My nana left me her house a few years back, and I have been slowly remodeling it,” I start to explain.
“Sorry to hear about your nana,” Easton says.
“Thank you. Her house, well we always called it her cabin, but anyways, it’s in Fox Grove. I had a contractor that was going to come look at the kitchen to help me with a renovation, but I would feel more comfortable if it was you.” I squeeze my eyes shut, praying I am not making a fool of myself.
“We don’t normally take work that far outside of Norfolk, but I’d do anything for you, Kendra.” I can hear his flirtatious smile through the phone.
“Really?” I ask, disbelieving.
“Of course! You know I don’t bullshit. Keller would kill me if I jerked you around.”
“Well, now I have to be honest. The project was originally going to be just the kitchen, but I recently had an incident happen, and I need to have the whole living room redone too. I was only really saving up for the kitchen, so we need to be creative with the budget.” I pace back and forth on Eli’s deck, the sun warming my skin.
“Oh shit, water damage or something?” Easton worries.
“Uhh, no.” I’m trying to decide how honest I should be, but I am not going to let the actions of someone else make me feel ashamed.
This is step one of taking back my power after all.
Name it. Move forward. Reclaim my home. “Actually, I was attacked by a guy that I was dating. He beat me, and that was where it happened, so I’m trying to take back the space.
I want to be able to walk into my space again, Easton, and not immediately think about that night. ”
My whole body is slick with sweat, not from the sun beating down on my skin.
“Oh my God, Kendra. Are you okay? What else can I do?” Easton’s voice is thick with concern for me and anger toward my attacker.
“Please just help me make my house feel like home again, Easton?” I whisper.
“It will be my pleasure.”