51. Chapter Fifty-One
Chapter Fifty-One
Kat
Ineeded to go. But more importantly, I needed to make sure Henry didn’t know a damn thing was wrong. Because I needed to create as much space as possible, make it seem like I was NOTHING to him. And I knew if he thought something was wrong, he’d push. And this morning?
This morning, I’d break.
I felt fragile. Soft. Like I’d taken five steps backward. And he’d get it out of me.
I couldn’t allow that.
Because he would NOT agree with my conclusion. The CORRECT conclusion. He’d never let me out of his sight. He’d want to try to protect me.
And it wouldn’t work. I couldn’t let that happen. I sure as hell didn’t want anything like that happening to me. And I couldn’t handle the thought of Henry having to watch. And…
And…
What if Donovan was… right?
In the grand scheme of things, Henry’s mind being utterly broken just the same as my body would be were so much more important.
But I still couldn’t shake the terror inside at the thought. Even while knowing I needed to push him away.
What if it made him not… want me? Anymore?
Tears started welling in my eyes. That seemed to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. But I heard Henry’s sleepy voice calling my name.
I wiped my tears quickly, forcing myself to standing. My legs were shaking, and I needed to lean on the wall to get anywhere.
I popped out of the bathroom, a smile pasted on my face. Henry was sitting up in bed, and I was searching around for my underwear and dress. I felt his eyes on me.
“Kat?” he asked, sounding resigned and so very, very tired. I blinked back tears again.
“Hmm?” I asked lightly. I felt him shift to stand behind me. I purposely stepped forward, keeping out of his grasp.
“What are you doing? It’s six in the morning, and we went to bed at three. And your legs are shaking like wet noodles. Get back in the bloody bed,” he said slowly, stepping toward me again. I kept my back to him.
“I have work to do, Henry. I’m still behind. I need to go,” I said firmly. I had my thong pulled up now, not particularly liking the way it felt having dried. I’d located my dress, but my shoulder was wildly sore, and I was struggling to get it on. The ties were going to be a bitch.
I felt Henry’s hands on my hips, but I stepped out of his embrace.
“I’m serious, Henry,” I said, but my voice wobbled. He stepped around in front of me. He looked exhausted. Wiping a hand slowly down his face, he sighed.
“Kat, please don’t run away again,” he pleaded. I recoiled as if he’d slapped me. The tears fell instantly. My hand flew to my mouth, and I realized too late that my legs were too weak to catch me on my back foot. I bumped onto the couch, not even caring. I was stunned.
“Is that what you think happened?” I whispered, looking up at a fuzzy version of him due to the tears in my eyes. He reached for me, but I flinched away. Absolutely not.
“Is that what you FUCKING think I did?” I demanded, much louder this time. He was shaking his head vehemently, tired eyes wide. He reached for me again.
“No. Fuck off,” I spat at him, moving toward the door, dress be damned. If he thought I’d just run away, abandoned him, just like everybody else did… Andrew. His parents. Bex and Tam.
Then what the hell was he doing last night?
Was this just some sadistic, fucked up sexual game to him? Did he get off on laughing at how easily I gave in to him? AGAIN?
I was nearly to the door, knowing I was basically naked and not caring, when firm arms grabbed me around the middle and picked me up.
I kicked, but I found nothing but air. I landed smack back on the couch, with Henry fucking SITTING on me.
He had me straddled, sitting back on his heels and some of my thighs near my knees.
I noticed he didn’t pin my arms down.
He knew I’d lose it at being restrained like that.
But he still wasn’t letting me go. The determined look in his steel blue eyes spoke volumes.
“I bloody well KNOW you didn’t, Kat. I was talking about Vegas, and I shouldn’t have even said that.
But I’m not letting you walk away upset and hurt and alone again, just because you’re too afraid to let me in,” he damn near snarled at me.
I could see his pulse pounding under that thin skin at his throat.
But even now, he kept his breathing under control. My willpower started to falter. Slightly. I blinked slowly.
“Don’t leave. Don’t walk away. Don’t be afraid of THIS. Of ME. And please, please let me take care of you this morning. I NEED this, Kat. Okay?” he asked, his voice breaking on the last word. I could see tears shining in his eyes to match mine.
“I can’t have done that last night without taking care of you this morning. This is still a part of that, baby girl. Yeah?” he asked, his voice softening immensely. I felt a lot of the rigidity go out of my body. The fight, leave my body. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was so tired.
Physically.
Mentally.
Emotionally.
Psychologically.
Tired of being ALONE.
I flung my arms around his neck, trembling, sobbing. His arms went around me instantly.
“There we go, Kat. There we go, baby girl. I’ll fix it. Let me fix it.”
I was sobbing uncontrollably, and I knew I’d traveled backwards in my attempt to leave before Henry figured out something was wrong. But now, something else was wrong. God, I was so fucked up. The land mines were un-dodgeable at this point.
I felt Henry pull back, disengaging from my clinginess. I didn’t blame him. I was a mess.
But he wrapped my arms around his neck again, then picked me up, wrapping my legs around him too. We were immediately back on the bed, leaning against the headboard. He had me in his lap, and despite only one scrap of clothing between the two of us, I wasn’t inclined to move.
I was trying to get my sobs under control so I could talk to him. I needed to know.
I needed to know that he didn’t think what everyone else thought, even after what he just said.
I just… I couldn’t let him think that. I needed to explain.
Even though I hadn’t been able to talk about that night yet.
Not really. I pulled back and placed my palm on his cheek, even though I already had his rapt attention.
“Please,” I sobbed. I took a deep breath and swallowed, trying again.
“Please tell me you don’t think I walked away. Again. Please tell me again,” I begged. He looked so concerned. I couldn’t… I couldn’t fix that right now. I couldn’t calm down. I couldn’t until he knew, until he understood.
“I don’t, Kat. I know you were hurt, badly.
I know you didn’t walk away,” he whispered.
But still. Not… That wasn’t enough. I wouldn’t have walked away to get help.
I would’ve waited. I would’ve made sure I was there.
Made sure the horrific screams Andrew had so kindly left on my voicemail never happened.
“No, Henry, please. You don’t understand. I wouldn’t have left. I didn’t…” I trailed off, the sobs taking control. I dropped my forehead to his shoulder and drew another shuddering breath. Maybe I could say it here, without having to look into those beautiful, kind eyes.
“They put you under while you were still out in the ER with me,” I started, thinking that was probably the best place for it. Whispering, I continued, trying my best to get it all out in one go.
“They tried to wheel you back before but you were combative and inconsolable. So, they put you under while I was still with you. And once you were in surgery, I went to find a phone.” I took a deep breath but forged forward, retreating further into the crook of his neck.
“The ER was busy and it seemed wrong to ask there. So, I went to find a nurse’s station elsewhere to call Tam, because hers is the only number I have memorized.
Then she could call Andrew and your family.
So that you could have the people you love and who love you with you when you woke up.
” I was almost done. I was so close. But I sobbed again, and hiccupped.
“But something was wrong. My legs were sluggish and I was suddenly moving down instead of forward. And that was the last thing I remembered until I woke up,” I finished, not mentioning it had taken five days.
It had taken five days because they couldn’t bring me out of sedation safely.
Because I was screaming in a very similar fashion to Henry on that voicemail. And I was alone. No one to anchor me.
Henry was still stroking my back and my hair, just waiting to make sure I was done. He knew what it had taken for me to get that out. I knew he knew. I thought he was maybe having a hard time talking about that night, and his time in the hospital, too.
“Kat, I’m so sorry,” he murmured. He sniffled slightly, and I looked up to see tears streaming down his face. I hadn’t meant to upset him. I just wanted him to know I didn’t leave him like that; I didn’t leave him when he needed me.
Well, not on purpose.
But those voicemails from Andrew proved his point exactly. The intention didn’t matter. Henry was still left alone screaming for me while coming out of anesthesia and not knowing where he was.
So, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that I hadn’t meant to leave him. The result was the same as if I had.
“But I still wasn’t there. That’s what mattered. That’s the only thing that mattered,” I whispered, looking him in the eye. He needed to know that what Andrew was irate about was mostly true. He needed to stop blaming his best friend for just calling it like it is.
“Absolutely not, Kat,” he said loudly, making me flinch slightly after the quiet of our conversation so far. He grabbed my chin so I couldn’t look away. He knew me. He knew I would.
“Kat, you collapsed. You literally almost died making sure I didn’t that night. I can’t-fuck Kat!” he croaked desperately. He sobbed once and pulled me fully to him, shoulder to hip, no space between. His head fell to my shoulder even as mine returned to his.
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” I whispered in his ear. “I just wanted you to know I didn’t abandon you on purpose. I didn’t leave you alone on purpose. I would never have done that. Ever.” My good hand found its way into his hair, holding on tight. He pulled back to look at me again.
“Kat, do you think I don’t know that? I don’t remember most of that night. There are huge blanks and fucking haziness through the rest except for a few crystal-clear moments. But what I do know? What I do remember?” he rushed, only taking a breath when he paused.
“I remember your voice. Through the pain. I remember your voice and your face, calling me back from unconsciousness on the floor. I remember you talking to me about what we were going to do AFTER. Even as I tried to tell you I didn’t HAVE an after.
And you wouldn’t let me die. I remember that,” he said fiercely.
I did look away, now. And mercifully, he let me.
“And I remember holding you on that rock. And thinking that if that was my time to go, it wouldn’t be the worst way to go.
And the last thing I can clearly remember is asking you not to give me pain meds.
And not needing to explain. And you making good on that promise,” he continued, his voice softening to only the slightest register above a whisper.
“You gave me my life. You gave me my career. And you’ve given me so much more. You’ve given everything, Firecat. I see that. I see YOU,” he breathed. I couldn’t look at him. And I couldn’t stop crying.
The last thing I remembered was that I shouldn’t have any tears left.
But they were still falling when everything faded to black.