Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
A fter leaving the Hellhole, Casey went to a dive bar located just off the interstate where he drank even more and ended up getting in a fight with some big ol’ bouncer wearing a Will Ferrell’s Elf T-shirt who kicked his ass before tossing him out into the parking lot. He lay there with the asphalt biting into his cheek for a few minutes before he got up, limped to his truck, and passed out.
When he woke the next morning, he looked and felt like hell. But he wasn’t ready to go home. He didn’t know if he would ever be ready to go home. Not only because he was pissed off at his daddy for not mentioning he’d been in love with Darla Holiday, but also because he didn’t want to run into Noelle. He felt like shit about how he’d treated her. She was right. He didn’t deserve her. She deserved someone much better.
But if that were the case, why did he feel like someone had sucker punched his heart after leaving the Hellhole? Casey had heard every word she’d yelled at him and watched in the rearview mirror as Reid had pulled her into his arms to comfort her.
She had wanted a cowboy hero and she had gotten one.
Just not Casey.
He thumped the steering wheel. “Dammit, why couldn’t it be me?”
A state patrol car drove past and slowed, the patrolman giving him a hard look. Casey figured it was time to go. He didn’t have a location in mind until he’d been driving for an hour and saw a road sign with the mileage to Baton Rouge. Six hours later, he was standing on his mama’s doorstep.
While Rome looked like their daddy, Casey looked more like their mama. They had the same blond hair. The same blue eyes. The same fake smile. A smile Glorieta pinned on as soon as she stepped into the gaudily decorated room the housekeeper had shown him to.
It wasn’t the first time he’d been to the house. He’d come once before when he’d only been eighteen and looking for a mama. He hadn’t found one then, and he didn’t find one now. She treated him like a casual friend who had dropped by unannounced.
“Casey. How lovely of you to stop by.” She breezed into the room wearing some kind of white loungewear and tons of gold jewelry. She froze when she got a good look at his face. Which must look pretty damn scary between the bruises and bloodshot eyes. Her eyes widened, but she recovered quickly. “Would you like something to drink . . . or perhaps a cold compress?”
“I’m good.”
She nodded and held out a hand. “Please sit down.”
“I can’t stay.” The relief on her face should have hurt, but he only felt a slight pinch of sadness and it was more for her. “Why did you leave Sam? Was it because he was in love with Darla Holiday?”
She stared at him with startled eyes and he thought he’d just put his foot in his mouth. Or a dagger through his mother’s heart. Before he could feel too badly, she started to laugh. It was the first time he’d ever seen her laugh and he was shocked by how much it reminded him of Rome when he found something hilariously funny.
Casey didn’t find it amusing. “So I guess that wasn’t the reason.”
Glorieta sobered and blotted at the corners of her eyes with a tissue she pulled from a gold tissue box. “No. It wasn’t because your father was in love with Darla Holiday—or thought he was in love with Darla Holiday. In case, you don’t know this about your daddy, he always wants what he can’t have. I think he just wanted her because Hank did. Romantic love isn’t something your daddy has time for. He cared about me, but I think he just saw me as a way to get children.”
She hesitated. “He so wanted children. For all his faults, he loves you and Rome more than he loves anything in the world. Including that damn ranch. Which is why I didn’t take y’all with me. I knew he could give you a better life than I could. I couldn’t see two young boys being happy moving from a big ranch with horses and every other kind of animal to the small city apartment I lived in after leaving your father.”
Casey wanted to point out that she hadn’t lived in a small apartment for long. But he hadn’t come to point fingers. He’d come . . . hell, he didn’t know why he’d come. Maybe he was just hurting and wanted to see his mama. The truth hit him hard and he realized maybe Noelle was right. Maybe his carousing had never been about not wanting to end up heartbroken like his daddy. Maybe it had more to do with searching for his mama’s love.
Or any woman’s love.
“So you want to tell me what happened to your face?” she asked.
“I got drunk and needed to be taken down a peg or two.”
She nodded, as if she understood all about getting drunk and needing to be taken down a peg, before she walked to the minibar. When she returned, she had a bottle of Perrier and ice wrapped up in a linen napkin. “Sit.”
He glanced at the white sofa. “I don’t want to get your couch dirt—”
“Sit.” When he did, she handed him the bottle of water and gently pressed the ice to his cheek. “Was it over a girl?”
He sighed and nodded. “Noelle Holiday.”
“Ahh.” She handed him the ice and sat down next to him. “So you have conflicting feelings about falling for a Holiday like your daddy did and having your heart broken.”
He wanted to deny it, but then realized he couldn’t. Mainly, because his heart did feel broken. “I’m scared. I’m scared she’ll figure out that I’m all smoke and mirrors.”
“Smoke and mirrors?”
He ran a hand through his hair and tried to collect his thoughts. “Noelle is special. She has big dreams. Dreams of owning her own bakery and being a social media influencer. My dreams are much simpler. I’m a rancher. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to be. Eventually she’s going to realize that being a rancher’s wife is not enough . . . I’m not enough.”
Glorieta reached out and covered his hand with hers. “Of course you’re enough.”
He looked down at her fingers covered in gold and diamonds. “I wasn’t enough to hold you.”
When he glanced up, he saw that tears had filled her eyes. She quickly released his hand and got up, walking to the huge floor-to-ceiling front window.
He felt like shit for upsetting her.
“I’m sorry.”
She sniffed and shook her head. “No, you have every right to feel that way. And I understand perfectly why you do. I felt the same way when my daddy left me.”
Okay, this was news.
“Your daddy left you?”
She turned around and nodded, tears glistening in her eyes. “And instead of learning from it, I repeated the cycle. You’ll never know how sorry I am for that, Casey. My daddy was the one who wasn’t enough when he left. I was the one who wasn’t enough when I left—or thought I wasn’t enough all based on my daddy’s leaving and on your father’s inability to love me. But what I’m just starting to understand, after many years of therapy, is that I am enough. But only if I believe I am. Thinking you’re not enough can lead you to make a lot of mistakes. I thought I wasn’t enough as a daughter or a wife or a mother so I decided to stop trying to be those things—to just give up. But that’s the biggest mistake you can make, Casey. To not believe in yourself and give up.”
His mother’s words were almost identical to Noelle’s. I certainly don’t want a man who can’t even believe in himself! And that’s exactly what Casey was. He was a man who didn’t believe in himself. A man who thought he wasn’t good enough to run a ranch as well as his brother and father. A man who thought he wasn’t good enough to be a husband or a father. A man who thought he wasn’t good enough to be loved.
“I guess like mother like son,” he said.
His mama smiled. “You want the number of my therapist?”
His mama ended up talking him into staying for dinner. It turned out to be quite nice. The filet mignon was way too small to be considered a steak and the lobster bisque too rich, but he actually enjoyed talking with his mama and her husband, his stepfather. The last time he’d been there he’d been a resentful teen with a bone to pick. Which probably explained why his mama had been so wary when she greeted him this time. Now that he wasn’t as angry and belligerent, he discovered a different person from the arrogant, selfish mama he’d first met. This mama was a charismatic woman who hid her low self-esteem behind a smile and teasing blue eyes.
Just like he did.
After dinner, she talked him into staying the night. She showed him to a bedroom that looked like it belonged in a ritzy Vegas hotel. He took a long, hot shower. When he got out, he discovered his clothes and boots missing, satin pajamas on the foot of the bed, and bottles of water and aspirins on the nightstand.
Since he hadn’t worn pajamas since he could remember, he climbed beneath the super-soft sheets naked. His body was exhausted, but his mind wasn’t. It ran through everything that had happened in the last few days. There had been a lot. But what his mind zeroed in on was his night with Noelle. The moment when she had cradled his jaw in her soft hand and said, You’re enough, Casey. You’re more than enough.
She had flat told him he was enough for her and he still hadn’t believed it. If he didn’t want to end up like his mama—filled with regret and estranged from his kids—he needed to pull his head out and start believing in himself. Maybe he’d never be as good at ranching as his brother and his daddy, but that didn’t matter. What mattered was enjoying the gift God had given him and giving it his best.
That went for Noelle too.
For whatever reason, God had seen fit to put her back in his life and he had ruined it. He had completely ruined it. All because he had let self-doubt and insecurities make him believe he’d end up like his daddy—a pitiful, lonely man staring at a picture of the woman he loved. But he didn’t have to end up like his father. Or his mother. He had the ability to make his life whatever he wanted.
He wanted Noelle.
But what if it was too late? What if he had already lost her?
He quickly sat up and grabbed his cellphone from the charger he’d placed it in before he’d gotten into the shower. He wasn’t going to call her. When he apologized, he wanted to do it face-to-face. But he did want to see if she’d broken up with him on social media. He released a relieved breath when he opened the social media site and saw Noelle hadn’t posted in the last couple days. Maybe that meant he still had a chance.
Her last post was made the night of their rendezvous at the bed-and-breakfast. She was wearing the cherry dress she’d worn that night and curling her hair with a big-barreled curling iron. He tapped on the post and her voice came through his phone speaker, making his heart ache.
“Hey y’all! I know, I know, I should be in the kitchen whipping up my Grandma Mimi’s favorite molasses cookies like I promised y’all yesterday. But some things take precedence over baking.” Her green eyes sparkled. “Like love.”
Casey’s heart beat triple time at hearing the word love from those candy apple lips. He had the uncontrollable urge to lean in and kiss his phone and beg her to say the word again and again just for him.
Just for real.
But it wasn’t real. It was all for her followers. Right?
He watched as she continued in a giddy voice that didn’t sound fake at all.
“That’s right. I’m gettin’ all dolled up for Casey. We have a very special night planned and I have to admit I’m a little nervous. But I know when he pins those ocean-blue eyes on me, all my nerves will fade clean away. Casey has the ability to make a girl feel like she’s the focus of his entire world.” Her smile was soft and captivating. “Isn’t that all any of us want? A man who makes us feel like we’re special—like we’re the other half of his heart.” Her eyes widened. “Oops, I haven’t been paying attention to the time. I need to go before I’m late for our date. But I’ll talk to you soon and tell you all about it. Remember, there’s always something cookin’ in the Holiday Kitchen .”
The video cut off, leaving Casey staring at her image.
His heart felt like it weighed about a thousand pounds. She was the entire focus of his world. She always had been. As a kid, he hadn’t known how to deal with his feelings so he’d teased her. As an adult, he still didn’t know how to deal with his feelings so he’d pushed her away.
He figured he had two choices.
He could continue to be an idiot and lose her.
Or he could prove to her that she was the other half of his heart and become her cowboy hero.