Chapter 29
T he evening air swirls in through the open castle windows and bites at me as I wrap my shawl tighter around my shoulders. The halls are quiet as, thankfully, the night patrols are made up of about half the guards as during the day, and I make my way towards the greenhouse via several winding hidden passageways.
The hall leading to the narrow, spiral staircase is lined with the outline of where several paintings used to be. I wonder if I could convince Theo to let me hang one of my paintings. With a jolt, I realise how foolish the thought is—the king is on his way with an arranged bride. This is not my home.
I press on, head down. When I arrive at the greenhouse, Theo is already waiting for me.
“Shivani.” He inclines his head, but I barely hear him. I gawk at the scene he has created.
Lit candles litter the ground, sitting on small brick platforms. Fresh flowers surround us, bundled together in bunches of various shades of pink and red. In the middle of it all, the table has been pushed back to make space for a den of thick blankets and pillows, cushioning us against the hard ground. A basket of biscuits, sandwiches and assorted finger foods sits patiently.
“What is all this for?” I laugh incredulously, walking up to him. Theo takes me in his arms. They are strong and firm around me.
“For you,” he replies simply. “Because I…”
He falters, his mouth half-open as though the end of his sentence is lodged in his throat. I blink up at him expectantly, but instead of speaking, he swoops down and kisses me.
After a moment of surprise, I snake my arms around his neck and kiss him back. His tongue slips deftly over mine, and a familiar warmth spreads through my body. I pull him closer and graze my teeth over his bottom lip. He moans into my mouth and draws back, breathless. He stares at me, eyes wide.
“What?” I breathe. “What is it?”
“N-Nothing,” he replies, but he is shifting uncomfortably. “I just…require a moment. To cool down.”
Confused, I look around.
“But we are in a greenhouse.” I laugh. “It is warm in here.”
“No, Shivani.” He shakes his head with a grin. “Not in…that way. I was…I mean to say, my body was…responding. To us. To you.”
“Oh,” I say softly and glance down. I am amused to see his cheeks turn pink, although my face also grows warmer. “Well, then…shall we eat while you…” I gesture vaguely at him. “Cool down?”
“I think that may be for the best,” he agrees, letting out a relieved breath.
We sit on the blankets, tucking ourselves together while we tear through the basket of food. We quickly make use of a flagon of snowberry wine and spend the next few hours talking and laughing with ease. The anxieties of the last few days begin to dissolve.
“I have the impression you think me a na?ve soul, Theo,” I tell him before taking a final bite of a cucumber sandwich.
“Not at all,” he replies, reaching over me to take the last slice of fudge. “Why do you think that?”
“Earlier, when you could not find the words to tell me you were…well…” I look him up and down. “Hard.”
He chokes on his fudge.
“S-Saints,” he splutters, thumping his chest to dislodge it from his throat. I laugh, whacking him on the back to help.
“Are you quite alright?” I ask as he recovers his breath. His cheeks are flushed, although I am unsure if it has to do with what I said or the near- death experience with his fudge.
“Yes, thank you.” He takes a deep gulp of air. “Apologies.”
“No, no, the apologies should be mine. I did not realise you were so delicate.”
“Delicate!” he exclaims, laughing. “Hardly so. Rather, I am a gentleman. A gentleman who was not expecting his lady friend to be so crude.”
He grins, nudging me with his shoulder.
“It is not crude for a lady to know what to expect.” I sniff, although I cannot stop myself from smiling back.
“True, but with the way you have been with me…I suppose I did make an assumption.”
“In what way?”
“Well, every time we have been together closely, you are…” He casts his eyes skywards, thinking. “Overcome.”
I stare at him, wondering if I should be offended.
“Would you be so kind as to elaborate?” I ask sweetly. Theo catches my look and gives a contrite smile.
“I do not mean to say you have no effect on me because I assure you, you do. There have been many times where I have thought about…” He trails off, glancing at me, and clears his throat awkwardly. “Anyway. I mean to say, you allow me to take the lead often.”
Seemingly satisfied he has explained himself well enough, he looks for my reaction .
“And you believe that is due to inexperience?” I query, one eyebrow cocked.
“An assumption,” he repeats. “Which was wrong of me. Regardless, your experience or lack of experience matters not.”
“Indeed,” I say, pausing. “Admittedly, I have not accepted many suitors, but…I have never quite felt the same way with anyone else than I have with you.”
Theo looks sideways at me.
“Romantically?” he probes.
“Yes.” I swallow. “And other ways.”
His face breaks into a sly smile.
“The feeling is mutual,” he replies, turning towards me. “Truth be told, I have only ever felt something similar to this with one other person…but that was a long time ago.”
“Oh?” I say, intrigued. “May I ask who?”
Theo tilts his head up, looking at the stars through the glass. For a long time, I do not think he will reply. And then he sighs and slides back until he is lying down, his arms tucked under the back of his head.
“I was seven and ten,” he says, eyes fixed on the night sky. I lay on my back next to him. “I became friendly with one of the guards. Or…well, he was a guard-in-training, I suppose. The same age as me.”
Something familiar twigs in my brain, but I ignore it and listen.
“He was often stationed outside of my chambers, and eventually, we would make small talk, and then it would move onto…something more than everyday conversation. It was the first time I felt like someone was on my side, an ally, and the conversation flowed so easily. I began to look forward to seeing him. He would accompany me on trips to the gardens or when I could not stand to be around my father any longer and took my meals in my room…he would be there. He…he was my first kiss and my first love.”
Theo’s throat bobs as he swallows before taking a deep breath.
“Anyway. The rest of the guards did what they were there to do, which was to report what I was doing to my father. I knew something was wrong when he left without saying goodbye. For days, I thought it was something I had done. I had said something or-or done something to offend him and drove him away.” He blinks away tears, his eyes fixed on the sky. “And then my father had me watch him walk to the guillotine. He was bruised a-and bloody, and Saints knows what they did to him in those three days in between because he was a shadow—” Theo’s voice breaks, and he takes a moment before he continues. “He was a shadow of the person I knew.”
Tears slide down his temple. He sniffs before wiping them away.
“His head was on a spike until the crows pecked it clean. I have one window in my chambers, and my dear, dear father put him on the spike right outside.” He spits these last words bitterly.
My heart aches listening to his tale, but I know it is nothing compared to how Theo must feel. I put a hand on his arm and squeeze.
“I do not have the words to console such cruelty,” I whisper. “I am so sorry, Theo.”
I go to him, wrapping an arm around his stomach. He responds, turning and holding me tight.
“I do not fear my father’s wrath on me,” he tells me, his lips moving against my neck. “I fear his wrath on you. I will not let him touch you.”
I do not respond, allowing Theo this space to grieve. But a storm roils inside my chest, so strong it makes my hands shake. In my mind, it is certain—for what he has done, it is my wrath the king needs to fear.