Chapter 8
Chapter eight
I STILL FEEL HIM
Ornella
Everything was numb except for the flutter in my chest, like a butterfly trapped under my sternum.
We had only just established the connection, and now it was stretched so thin that the gods only knew where Sage was taken.
But the bond was still there. Some small piece of him was still thrumming away in my chest like a second heartbeat, and I clung to it desperately. Terrified to let it slip away.
I could not get our final moments together out of my fucking head.
I could not unsee the hateful expression on Riordan’s face as he faced off with us.
I could not unhear Rian’s screams or forget his utter determination to protect his cousin.
And I could never forgive Amira’s inaction as Sage was dragged away from me…
Why did the Tithriall make me save her? Why did I meet my anam after all this time only for him to be ripped away from me by the friend I thought I could trust?
Why was I being punished again?
There was no answer from the Tithriall. Nothing but a silence that seemed to mourn all that had been lost. Sage. The Spring Court. Millions of lives just… gone…
I heard the sound of liquid sloshing against glass and snapped out of my semiconscious haze.
I flipped over in bed with my claws extending instinctively in preparation to defend myself.
Only to find Rian sitting on the floor, his back to me, leaning against my mattress.
One of his arms was slung over his bent knee with the neck of a bottle clenched in long fingers covered in jewelled rings.
His other hand leisurely stroked Serafin’s head where the black vargr lay on the ground next to him with his chin resting on Rian’s thigh.
“What the fuck are you doing in here?” I demanded, wincing from the ache in my throat and the way my voice still came out so thin and rough from screaming.
It was on the tip of my tongue to demand how he managed to sneak up on me, but I clamped my mouth shut.
I did not want to think about how oblivious this anguish was making me.
Rian did not turn, which was probably best since the silk sheet had slipped down my torso. I didn’t usually think twice about nudity, but I knew the aes sídhe were more sensitive to it, so I covered my breasts again.
“I came to see if you’re ready to leave this bedroom,” Rian replied, lifting the bottle to his lips again. The scent of apples and cinnamon drifted to me as he tipped the liquor into his mouth.
“Are you my new chaperone now that Sage is gone? You still don’t trust me in your encampment,” I guessed.
The defensive accusation had been flung at him before I could stop it, and I instantly felt a crushing regret and frustration with myself.
I hated that my first instinct was still to be cruel when I was hurt, especially since I had thought I’d gotten much better at controlling the impulse.
Perhaps only Sage would ever coax that softness out of me or perhaps it was to be expected when anyone felt like a rabid beast had shredded their insides apart.
Either way, I was determined not to regress into those terrible habits.
Besides, every ounce of the vitriol churning within me needed to be saved for the real enemies.
“I am sorry,” I forced myself to whisper.
Rian released a long-suffering sigh and offered me the bottle over his shoulder.
After only a second of hesitation, I grabbed it from him and lifted it to my lips to chug the wine even though it stung my raw throat.
When I finally lowered the bottle, I saw Rian had turned slightly to look up at me from over one broad shoulder.
“We agreed to get him back,” he reminded me with a patient tone that reminded me too much of Sage.
Tears instantly stung my eyes and an ache worked its way up my throat at his words, so I turned my face away from him to focus on Pyrope who lay beside me. She had shifted closer again after I flung myself around to face the Autumn Prince, and her red wing rested across my legs.
“Please tell me you still… feel him,” Rian pleaded.
The anguish in his voice only fed the growing urge to start sobbing again, but I refused to cry in front of him or anyone else.
So I extended my claws until they pierced into both of my palms, distracting me with physical pain.
Pyrope whined when the flowery scent of my blood filled the air, but I ignored her as I regained my composure.
“I still feel him.”
Rian closed his pretty gold-and-emerald eyes in relief, swallowing thickly before he turned to face forward again with a determined nod.
“I need to know you are with me, Ornella. I need to know you have the stomach for what we must do next. There can be no hesitation or uncertainty with an enemy like the Sylvan. We cannot underestimate them again.”
Despite everything, there was still just a tiny part of me that resisted what I knew he was asking me.
I wanted to try and comfort myself with the logic that Amira could not have known any better.
She thought I was a hostage, and Balor had clearly told her lies about the Wild Hunt in order to further his agenda.
But no matter how I tried to look at it, regardless of the reasons why it had happened, it simply remained that the Spring Court was gone. Sage was gone.
And that was unforgivable to me.
“I am with you, Rian,” I swore and gritted my teeth. “We have to save him. I will do anything.”
“Good,” he grunted and reached over his shoulder for the bottle in my hand. “So will I.”
I nodded, knowing how deeply he meant that after the way he almost tore the Vale apart trying to protect Sage. Amira had never defended me like that.
“Now, I’ll ask again; are you ready to leave this bed?” Rian inquired.
My first instinct would have been to lash out in guilt over my desire to hide from the world, but he seemed unsurprised when I shook my head. He merely nodded as if it were what he expected and took a swig of wine.
And it occurred to me that everything about the way he had come to me was intentional.
He had not come in tears or with condolences in the way I had been dreading.
He had come bearing wine and a common goal that gave me purpose and traction amidst the unbearable anguish, and I was immensely thankful to him for it.
“I need your help to get Sage back, but that means you will need to face this,” Rian advised me, sounding equal parts sympathetic and pragmatic.
I hissed in frustration and turned away.
I had an urge to snatch the bottle and tell him to leave me alone, but for some reason, I could not muster the will to make him go.
Sage might have been the one who made me start craving companionship again, but apparently that part of me had not gone back to sleep after he was taken from me.
So although the thought of trying to open myself up to anyone aside from my mate felt impossible, I knew Rian was likely my best option. He had been with my brother for twenty years, and he clearly understood my people.
“I do not know… what to say to anyone. They will try to comfort me,” I tried to explain, already cringing at my pathetic excuses. “They will think I didn’t… love him.”
“I won’t allow anyone to think like that,” Rian swore so firmly that it helped me feel at ease.
“I know it is not your way to commiserate, and I can try to prepare them for that. But you must also acknowledge that it is not the way of the aes sídhe to repress their emotions. You will need to allow everyone to feel the way they need to feel this situation. And in exchange, I will ensure that you are given the same courtesy.”
I released a long breath, surrendering a good deal of my anxiety. Tears began to prick at my eyes again as my heart was filled with gratefulness instead.
“Alright,” I breathed reluctantly.
“Carrick needs to go home and explain the situation to his family, but he will not go until he speaks with you,” Rian admitted. He shifted around on the floor so he faced me more directly. “He wanted you to go with him—”
“No!” I blurted immediately.
“But I told him no,” Rian continued calmly, raising his eyebrows at me. “I told him your place was here with us, bringing Sage home, but he needs to hear it from you.”
My panic was like a clawed fist around my windpipe when I thought about speaking to Carrick. The thought of Asha learning what happened to her son made me feel ill. They would be devastated, and I was not sure that I had the emotional or mental ability to contend with their pain on top of my own.
“Will you… go with me?” I asked Rian with a grimace of disgust with myself when my voice wavered.
“Of course,” Rian answered, completely unfazed by my pathetic request. “I only ask that you are not unkind. Carrick is going to be upset, and he knows you are upset, so he will try to relate to you the only way he knows how. And if you are anything like your brother… you will feel inclined to lash out,” Rian pointed out.
It was a valid concern considering our interactions.
“I will be there to mediate,” he added when he saw me reconsidering, so I forced myself to nod in agreement. “Good. I will speak to Carrick. We will wait in the main room for you to get dressed,” he told me as he stood.
“Thank you for understanding,” I whispered.
“It took me twenty years to get it right with Aodhan. Lucky for you,” he added with the hint of a weary smile before he exited the bedchamber.
It took me a few moments to work up the motivation to get out of the bed, but I eventually slid out from under Pyrope’s wing.
She and Serafin watched me walk over to the clothing trunk against the wall of the tent.
I had to set aside a fresh plate of food that Darragh left after taking away the untouched plate from that morning.